Deadly Dreams and Desires

Chapter 1

Alex could feel the early morning rays of sun touching her face; slowly warming her down to her toes. The crisp fall chill was not welcome today. She hugged her pillow under her head, pulling it closer while stretching, trying to reach the foot of the bed, working the kinks out at the same time. Alex heard her joints pop and creak as she stretched, she opened her eyes to see a beautiful array of colors dancing on the walls and ceiling, she smiled at the cascade of colors. What an amazing idea to put crystals in the windows; what a spectacular way to wake up, almost spiritual she thought as she took a deep breath. Alex rolled over to see Ed’s big brown eyes staring back at her.

MMMMM, good morning handsome, Alex said. How’s my sweetie this morning? It was a purely rhetorical question, Ed was never into mornings; after 5 years together you get to know these things. Come on Ed, its time to get up, she pleaded with as much enthusiasm as she could muster, its time to meet the day; come on Ed, she whined. Pleeeeease Ed, she cooed softly in his ear.

Alex grabbed Ed by his jowls and kissed him between the eyes. She rolled out of her side of the bed, walked around and slapped Ed on the butt. Come on lazy bones, it’s a beautiful day, lets go.

As Alex was getting coffee ready she could hear rustling in the bedroom. The coffee started to brew and the aroma filled the air. She reached up to get a cup out of the cupboard; she heard Ed getting out of bed. When she turned around, there he was peeking around the corner, taking in the inviting aroma.

Well it’s about time sleeping beauty, she said with a grin on her face. Alex poured a cup, lit a cigarette and meandered down the hall to the bathroom. Alex looked into the mirror to see what kind of damage the damp night air had caused. Beauty sleep, yeah right, she said to the mirror, obviously whoever said that never woke up with bed head. No matter what I do or how I sleep, I always wake up looking like I slept with my finger in a light socket", she said tugging on the snarls. Alex walked into the bedroom; turned up the volume on the TV so she could hear the news while doing her morning routine.

Well, walking away from the mirror sure didn’t help the hairdo any, she thought to herself. Well…she hesitated; I have two choices, ponytail or hat. Probably should do both. Alex settled for the ponytail. It goes better with the pajamas; she told the mirror.

•

Alex brushed her teeth and put a hot washcloth to her face. Peeking from under the washcloth, Alex considered make up; no she thought, no make up today. As Alex stared at her face in the mirror, she remembered when she was younger she always had to have her make up on. She couldn’t even walk out of the bedroom without it. Back then; make up made her feel older, sexier, more of a woman. Alex had seen herself in those days as an unattractive, unappealing, Plain Jane; she felt she looked like a little boy. Putting her face on was another way of creating a different person. Alex could care less how she looked now; she was content with herself, except for the God-awful hair she was blessed with. Alex gave great consideration to shaving it all off and starting over at least once or twice a week, but thank God better judgment always interceded. They do make great wigs now, she thought, Get a grip, she said to the mirror.

•

Alex walked back out to the kitchen to warm her coffee. As she stood pouring, she had a funny feeling; her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. Shake it off Alex, shake it off she said to herself. Damn, something’s just not right. Where’s Ed? Jesus, where’s Ed? Oh my God, is he ok, she thought panicking. Alex looked in the dining room, no Ed. Frantically, she looked in the living room, whew letting out a sigh of relief, there he is; my big guy was lying on the couch. Alex’s heart dropped again; butterflies were fluttering in her stomach, what’s wrong, she thought. Ed looked to still; is he breathing? She slowly eased closer, her heart pounding; her own breathing started to shallow. Oh God, Oh God, she kept repeating to herself getting closer. ‘Not again, Oh God Not again, Alex could hear her heart rhythm like a drum beating in her ear. She felt tears welling up as she stared at Ed’s chest. Nothing. She looked away for a second to re-focus; when she looked back, she could see his chest rise and fall; thank God, he’s ok", she whispered. The last time she felt this way, she lost her husband Matt; he was the best thing that happened in her life. Matt was struck down by a massive heart attack; it was extremely sudden; the doctors said he only suffered for a brief moment, which no doubt was suppose to make her feel better. It didn’t. Matt had been such a wonderful husband; her only true friend.

I can feel it, Alex thought. There’s going to be bad news, the only question was when and what. Alex decided to sit on the balcony and enjoy a leisurely morning, to try to escape the ominous doom and gloom feeling she was having. As she walked out the door she turned back, in a gentle motherly tone said, Ed, get your sorry butt off the couch. He complied quickly and went to the kitchen to get something to eat. He couldn’t find anything good lying out so he went back to the living room.

Ed, Alex yelled into the house, come out here and enjoy this gorgeous sunrise with me. Who was she kidding, Ed was perfectly happy lounged out on the floor; although he did raise an eyebrow at the thought of the warm sun dancing on his old bones and the possibility of maybe catching sight of deer grazing on the hillside; he got up and joined Alex outside. An eerie chill wafted over them; they both felt something stirring in the air. Alex smiled nervously at Ed while he vigilantly watched the hills hoping for any kind of wildlife to bark at. As they sat basking in the warmth of the sun, another cool breeze floated across them, goose bumps raised on Alex’s arms. She looked down at the bumps and started to rub them quickly; a shiver went down her spine. They looked into each other’s eyes, Alex broke the silence, they’re coming Ed; everything will be over soon.

Alex finally realized what was bothering her; Ed went to her, put his head in her lap. She reached around his neck with both arms; gave him a long tight hug and a kiss between his eyes. As they sat embraced, they heard a car coming down the road; there was a familiarity about it. The car didn’t belong to a neighbor, deliveryman, or a relative. No, it was familiar in a different sense, from a different time. The distinct whir of the engine and squeaky brakes, it could only belong to a police cruiser. Alex instinctively knew the sound and she knew it well. Maybe they’re going to a neighbor’s house or just patrolling, she thought, no, they’re here for me, there’s no getting around it. Ed got up and went to the window to see who was stopping to visit.

Ed, come back out next to Mom, we don’t have much time, she called into the house.

There were two hard raps on the front door. Alex was startled and she spilled her coffee. She expected the knock, but it still made her body jerk. As Alex set her coffee cup down on the table, there were two more hard raps on the door. Ed went barking down the stairs, scolding the somewhat unexpected guests. They were intruding on his peace and quiet; he didn’t like it or them. Ed wanted them to know he wasn’t happy with their presence and he was doing a pretty good job. Alex grabbed a robe, slipped it over her 49ers football jersey, (sexy pajamas were never her style) she followed after Ed down the stairs. Ed was going ballistic; for such a lovable, warmhearted, creature, he knew he didn’t like what was on the other side of the door. It was trouble for his Mom, they were not only men, they were cops too, and he could smell it.

Ed, quiet down, Alex said. It’s ok, I…I’ve been expecting them. Alex opened the door just a crack; peeked through the small opening, she saw two men standing on her porch. By their frumpy attire, mustaches, potbellies, and haircuts she didn’t need to ask to see their badges, (these two were definitely not Nash Bridges wannabes). Good morning Detectives", Alex said, while grabbing Ed by the collar, opening the door further.

The better looking one of the two looked her straight in the eyes, are you Alex Jordan?

My God, have I changed that much, she thought to herself. Yes I am, she answered. It’s nice to see you again Detective Saunders, and; ……she paused, if memory serves me, it’s Detective Tulley, right? It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you two, how long has it been? How can I help you two? Please, where are my manors, come in; join me for coffee.

Ms. Jordan, this is not a social call, we’re here on official business. We have a warrant for your arrest for murder, and a warrant to search the premises in connection with that murder, Detective Saunders said.

May I see those warrants Detective Saunders, she asked holding her hand out.

Detective Saunders slapped the paperwork into her chest; she grabbed it, turned around and started up the stairs.

Come on up gentlemen, I want to see if your name is here to my list; see who you’ve left off. Ed, let these guys up and Ed don’t be a lollygagger, you get your buns up here too".

Ed looked at the two Detectives and then looked back at Alex walking up the stairs. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, he wanted to protect his Mom; stay by his best friends side but he didn’t want to let these two strangers up the stairs either, what a conundrum he had, Alex was lucky to have such a loyal and loving companion. The wheels were spinning in his brain; he was trying to figure out how he could nudge these guys out the door, without making them mad. He may have been large in stature but he was undeniably a chicken at heart. God love him!

Well, are you guys coming up or what, Alex called down.

Ed nudged the door shut with his nose and then went barreling up the stairs; he sounded like a heard of thundering elephants. The glint in his eyes said he was very proud of himself. The Detectives were still standing by the front door, mouths agape, eyebrows furrowed. They weren’t sure what to do.

Did we just get locked out by a dog; better yet, did she just say compare names, this is too bizarre, Saunders said. Alex Jordan, wow, I knew the name sounded familiar, but until I put the name to the face, I never made the connection – I would have never expected the person we were here to arrest to be someone I knew or worked with.

Tulley nodded in agreement and disbelief on all accounts; as he slowly turned the doorknob to crack open the door.

Hey guys, you want to come up here and go over the names or what, Alex called down again impatiently.

What have we got to lose, they both thought to themselves? They looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, Tulley pushed the front door open, (Ed wasn’t perfect; he left the door unlocked in his haste to get next to Alex), they proceeded up the stairs.

Saunders thought to himself as he walked up the flight of stairs, damn a spontaneous confession, this will be an open and shut case. It won’t hurt to humor her though, get as much information as possible to help the conviction stick. How lucky can this be!!! Saunders was getting excited; he always liked things to be easy.

Tulley on the other hand had thoughts of his own as they walked up. I hope we can get more information because we really got nothing going so far. Tulley still couldn’t figure out how Saunders got a Judge to sign the warrants, he must have had some good wood on someone, Tulley muttered under his breath.

As they approached the top of the stairs, Tulley radioed to their back up, S4 code 4, 10-15 with one. Which means they have their person in custody and everything is ok. A garbled voice shot out over the radio, copy S4. Cop talk for, ok we understand.

You guys want to sit at the dining room table or would you prefer the living room, Alex asked.

How about the dining room table, Tulley responded.

Fine with me, I’m gonna go slide into some clothes, if that’s ok. Make yourselves comfortable, there’s fresh coffee in the kitchen, get what you want, Alex said slipping down the hall. When Alex came back out, both men were walking around the house, inspecting everything very carefully. Ed had made himself comfortable at the top of the stairs; he figured if he had to let them in, he wasn’t about to take his eyes off either one. His brow and jowl lifted simultaneously every time Tulley or Saunders touched or lifted anything in the room.

Are you looking for anything in particular, Alex asked.

Startled, Saunders said gruffly, We do have a search warrant for the premises.

No, no; Tulley said; just looking at all the interesting things you have on display.

Well you won’t find any incriminating evidence like pieces, parts or bits of bodies, if that’s what you’re looking for. Now do you want to get down to the business of why you’re here and what you want from me? Alex heard both men suck in air, hold it, then blow it back out; it was the sounds of two very frustrated men.

Ms. Jordan, we’re not here to play games, we’re here to arrest you, take you into custody, and book you into County Jail for murder, you are under arrest! We’re also here to search your house for evidence, Saunders said methodically, sheepishly setting down a chotsky. Now that you’re dressed, please call someone to take care of your dog, or we’ll have to call animal control to take him away. And before you say anything else, let me read you your rights.

As Saunders began reading Alex her rights, all she could think of was how this guy was the epitome of cop-dumb. When she knew Saunders in his younger days; he was not a handsome man like Sean Connery or impishly cute like Mel Gibson but he didn’t make her want to toss her cookies either, although Saunders thought he was God’s gift to women, which in Alex’s eyes made him very ugly. She remembered how he used to wear black racing gloves before they became a safety issue and dark mirrored glasses morning and night. Saunders thought all this corny crap made him look cool and mysterious; a real chick magnet. Alex remembered those days; she remembered thinking; jeez this guy needs to take a realistic look in a mirror; talk about needing a reality check. He would be so much better looking if he hadn’t been so full of himself. Saunders let the cop groupies go to his head, the job had made him a cocky, arrogant, womanizer; he had too many opportunities; way too much time. Alex took a close look at Saunders; he had not aged gracefully since the last time she had seen him; his self-absorbing attitude had enlarged even beyond the norm for cops and it read like a book on his face. Saunders broke a lot of hearts and marriages both young and old in his day; there was not a shred of evidence of concern or culpability for his actions. He would have been a prime candidate for Alex’s list, she was sure he was on more than one other tortured tormented souls list, it was inevitable. I wonder if these guys will ever learn, Alex thought, no, their egos won’t allow it. They think they’re invincible, not doing anything wrong, women were nothing more than a tool, a toy, or a plaything to use, abuse, and throw away. Now Alex looks at Saunders and thinks he’s just another slob in a cheap suit.

Chapter 2

Ms. Jordan, do you understand your rights that I have read to you? Ms. Jordan…Ms. Jordan! Do you understand your rights that I have read to you", Detective Saunders repeated.

It’s Alex, and yes I understand them. I’m sorry, but you caught me in mid thought. I was thinking about what you use to be like when we were quite a bit younger, Alex answered.

Saunders cocked his head and smirked, his eyes twinkling when his eyes met hers. Yeah – right Saunders; that was a come on. What an idiot, she thought. Jeez is that all these guys do is think about how you wanted to jump their bones, or worse yet, how they can jump yours. This guys is about to hook and book me, Alex thought, but hey, lets see if I can get a piece of ass before I take her to jail or gee, I guess I missed my chance to bag her a few years ago, maybe I still have a chance. Does this idiot not even read his own report on the victim and how he died? Well Detective Saunders, you wait, what goes around comes around, or was it, what comes around goes around. Fuck it Saunders, you’ll get what you deserve in the end!

•

As Tulley approached Alex with his handcuffs out, Ed got up and stood between Tulley and Alex. Alex, call off your dog, Saunders said. We don’t want to have to shoot him.

Tulley bent over and picked up a tennis ball; bounced it down the hallway, Ed could never say no to anyone who wanted to play with him. Tully just made a new friend whether he wanted to or not. Ed lumbered down the hall; picked up the ball; raced back to Tulley, dropping the ball at Tulley’s feet. He raised himself up off the ground; put his front paws around Tulley’s neck; Ed ran his rough tongue across Tulleys cheek, giving him a big wet kiss that only boxers can give. They were looking at each other eye to eye; it was hard not to like Ed; he was nothing more than a big ole four-legged baby. Tulley chuckled; pushed him off and threw his ball again, as Ed ran down the hall, Tulley was able to get the handcuffs on Alex.

You mentioned something about comparing lists or names or something, when we got here, do you have that Alex, Tulley asked?

That’s right, I did mention names and lists, you were listening Detective Tulley, I am surprised. However, I have an interesting proposition to make you, if you’re willing to hear me out, Alex inquired carefully.

What’s your, Tulley started.

Saunders interrupted, No deals, no offers, no nothing, just a ride to County Jail. Make your call for the dog and you can call your attorney once you’re booked into jail.

Tulley, as I recall from when we worked together, you were a fair and reasonable Officer; you knew a good thing when it stared you in the face; now don’t let this idiot spoil what could be very advantageous for you. I know you’ve read the report and you know everything that’s in it; the evidence you have for your warrant is nothing more than circumstantial, and really, in a reasonable person’s thinking, such as a jury, it won’t hold water. You know what you have is weak and how you managed to get a warrant is more than amazing, Alex stated emphatically, knowing she was bluffing, she didn’t have a clue what they had on her. Saunders wasn’t buying any of it; Alex could tell by the look on his face, her comment about him being an idiot didn’t make any points.

You already gave a spontaneous confession when we first arrived, Saunders said emphatically; remember the statement referring to comparing lists or names, yours to ours. No deals honey, let’s go, he said grabbing onto her arm.

•

Alex could see Tulley was thinking about what she had said; the wheels were turning. He had to think fast. Tulley knew Saunders; he knew Saunders could be stubborn and hard headed especially when someone had bruised his ego like Alex had just done. Tulley saw Saunders reaction to Alex scoffing at his flirtation and calling him an idiot. Saunders wasn’t thinking like a good cop, he was thinking like a hurt child. Tulley finally spoke up, Saunders, hang on, it won’t hurt us to hear her out. We’ve got no place to be.

Let’s go get that information you talked about earlier and get going, no deals Ms. Jordan, Saunders said attempting to throw his weight around.

Not a problem, said Alex. It’s in Ed’s room, follow me.

•

Ed’s room was the first door on the left, across from the kitchen, he had a full size bed to sleep on, a toy box full of assorted toys, chewies, shoes, and stuffed animals, food, water, and a great picture window to watch everything going on outside. In the corner a small secretary desk with books and paperwork on it; there were pictures of Ed’s family and friends on all of the walls, his mom and dad, sisters and brothers, kids, and all the people he has touched with his warmth and love. His room was a room most humans would be envious to have; it was warm and comfortable, a room people were afraid to go into however, Ed was very territorial and a bit aggressive towards those who dare enter without his permission.

•

Come on Ed, Mom wants to get some papers out of your room; Alex said walking down the hall. Ed was lying on the floor playing with his tennis ball, rolling around on his back chewing on the ball. He let it fall out, roll over, snag it back, and roll on his back again. Ed jumped up to the sound of Alex’s voice and followed behind her, Saunders and Tulley were close in tow. Alex made the corner into Ed’s room, Ed came in and jumped on his bed, Tulley followed up behind Ed and sat down beside him. Saunders stood in the doorway, kept at bay by Ed’s curled lip and low and very intimidating growl.

Well where is it, Saunders asked?

It’s over there on the desk.

Well get it! Saunders demanded.

Alex looked at Saunders with a glare; then looked back at Tulley, she rolled her eyes and shook her head, how can you work with this idiot? Alex asked Tulley while gesturing with her head towards Saunders. As the words slipped out from her mouth, Alex thought, ah jeez there I go again, making more points. When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut!

Alex…now, insisted Saunders.

Well the only thing I can reach with my hands cuffed behind my back is my butt and I can guarantee you one thing, I can’t pull any list out of my ass. Now do you want to un-cuff me or do you want to tear apart my desk on your own, Alex responded snidely batting her eyes with the slightest indication of a smirk on her face.

•

Alex could see Tulley was getting a kick out of her ridiculing Saunders, she saw a grin on his face as he turned to look away, trying not to laugh aloud. Saunders on the other hand was pissed, he stomped red faced into the bedroom; brushed past Tulley and Alex; he started tearing the desk apart. He pulled everything out, reading each piece of paper one by one. Tulley and Alex sat on the bed watching Saunders in amazement. Out of the corner of her eye, Alex noticed Tulley reach over and pat Ed; she was starting to like Tulley, he was different from when they first met years ago. Was he actually warming up and getting a sense of humor? Alex remembered him being overly serious, isolated, if it was possible, way to professional. He was so driven back then, a man on a mission. Alex wondered what drove him so hard to be so distant and determined. She took a closer look at him; she noticed quite by surprise that he was actually an attractive man with the most beautiful, warm, trusting eyes. He lacked self-esteem she thought. She could tell by the way Saunders ran the show; ran over Tulley; but Tulley was the smart one, the one who was really meant to be a cop. As Alex gazed at him, she could see compassion and honor in Tulley’s face; she needed him on her side; she had to get him to except her proposal, Tulley was her only chance. Alex knew she needed to confess, but on her terms, in her home. She knew she could get Tulley to understand, but will he be able to assert himself enough to put Saunders in his place…to take charge and make it happen. Oh God, how ironic, she thought to herself, I’m putting my faith and trust in a man again, that’s what started this mess to begin with.

Chapter 3

Saunders had gone through everything in her desk three times, each time getting madder and more irate, his face flushed and sweaty. In the middle of the fourth go around, he impatiently said, there’s nothing in here but a bunch of junk. Quit screwing with us and tell me where it’s at.

Why Detective Saunders, it’s right there in your hand, she said smugly.

Saunders looked down at his hands and saw nothing more than a bunch folded up newspaper clippings. As he looked closer, he saw they were obituaries from several different newspapers around the state. He hadn’t noticed the small articles amidst the recipes and travel articles.

This? This can’t be your, your list, Saunders said as he rolled the papers up in a ball throwing them on the floor.

Yes………it is, Alex replied. It’s mine, I paid for them. I never said I personally wrote out a list stating who, what, when, why, where, and how I murdered people, did I? What is it with this guy; she thought to herself he makes me turn into a complete smart-ass bitch.

Tulley laughed, She’s got you there Phil; so much for that spontaneous confession he said still chuckling getting onto his feet.

Alex whispered in desperation, Detective Tulley, can I talk now, without your trusty sidekick, she looked at him pleadingly.

Sure, why don’t we go out into the living room while Saunders regains his composure and cleans up Ed’s room.

Ed’s ears perked up at the sound of his name; he watched Tulley and Alex walk out of his room; he stayed behind, watching Saunders, Ed didn’t trust Saunders alone with all his toys and food.

Detective Tulley, Alex said, can you please take these handcuffs off so I can get us something to drink; you’re going to need it. You see; I want to propose an offer that will benefit both of us.

Now Alex, you know I cant’ do that, you’re still under arrest and the rules are the rules. We do that for our protection as well as yours, you know that. I could get fired, you know that too.

"Tulley, you know that’s a load of crap, now please take these stupid things off’.

•

Tulley continued out to the living room, he flopped down on the couch, threw his head back and let out a huge sigh. He closed his eyes and rolled his head back and forth; when he raised his head back up and opened his eyes, Alex was standing in front of him, face forward. Tulley stared at Alex’s perky posterior; he couldn’t help it, he just couldn’t look away. At 40, Alex was still as small and petite as she was in her teens; she aged well, and seeing her made Tulley feel 21 again. Her waist was still amazingly tiny and her butt looked as firm and tight as the day he first laid eyes on her over 25 years ago. He couldn’t help but notice her running around the station in those skin-tight jeans and crop top shirts, so many years ago, so innocent and sweet. She had gorgeous long red hair and the sun had kissed her soft white skin, leaving wonderful freckles all over her body. Her personality was fun loving and bubbly; she didn’t have a care in the world and never thought of herself as beautiful, inside or out. Alex was a child in a woman’s body; she didn’t have a clue she made men fall all over themselves. She turned a lot of heads and he admittedly took a second look, but she was just a child. Don’t go there; don’t let that body fool you, he had to tell himself. Now he was having those same feelings and thoughts seeing her standing in front of him, but again, Alex was off limits. She was off limits this time not because of her age, but because she was accused of murdering one of his co-workers. She still had that child like innocence, a naiveté that attracted him to her; that made him want to protect her back then as much as he did now; he couldn’t stop the incredible yearning to help her.

•

It will be worth your while, I promise. Now please, help me out here, she said holding out her cuffed hands.

Tulley shook out the cobwebs and came back to reality; Ok; Ok, he replied. He took out his key ring; proceeded to unlock the cuffs. Once he got them off and into his hand, he stared at them, wondering, what the hell am I getting myself into. Am I thinking with my heart or head…and which head was the driving force. Damn, Saunders is gonna have a fit.

Don’t worry Tulley, you won’t regret this, Alex said stepping forward to face Tulley, her soft blue eyes trying to reassure him.

Yeah right, he thought. He wanted to reach out and touch her, hold her, protect her. What could have made this beautiful, innocent creature commit such a heinous crime that she’s being accused of? It couldn’t be true, he thought. It just couldn’t be true.

Coffee ok? Alex called out from the kitchen

Yeah, black please he responded coming back to reality, surprised she wasn’t standing in front of him any longer.

•

Alex fixed their coffee, grabbed her cigarettes, joining Tulley back in the living room. She took a deep breath, set everything on the coffee table, Alex exhaled hard and heavy as she sat down next to him. She had been preparing for this moment for a long time, but it wasn’t as easy as she anticipated. As she chewed on her cheek trying to find the words to start, she felt his stare. Alex lit a cigarette trying to stall for time.

What am I doing, she asked herself. Ok Alex, buck up, just blurt it out; don’t beat around the bush… just say it. Ok Tulley, here’s the deal, her voice trembling. What I want to do is stay here in the comfort of my own home and answer anything and everything you have to ask. I have a lot of concrete information that would make your case open and shut. If you take me to the station for questioning or book me into jail, I’ll close up tighter than a drum. I stay here, no lawyers, I go, every high priced lawyer I can afford. I stay here; you have closure to your case and more. I go; you know I’ll walk on lack of evidence. Your case will go unsolved; you have to know that.

Why are you doing this, Alex?

I guess…I guess… it’s mostly selfishness she replied trying not to look at him, What I have to say, mmmm confess, is going to take awhile to relate and I want to be comfortable. And you know, she continued, once I’m done, I’ll never see the light of day again; I just want to enjoy my freedom as long as I possibly can. Then there’s Ed and my house; I’ve made arraignments for my niece to move in and take over my life and everything but she had to leave town for a week or two. If we could stretch my… Oh God, she breathed, my confession to last that long, well, I just think it will be beneficial for both of us. She watched Tulley as she spoke, he had compassion in his eyes; she knew she