American Prefabulous

Chapter 1

It was Monday morning, and he was ready to seize the day. It was a new day in Jake’s life. The alarm beeped for only a heartbeat before his hand launched out from under the sheets and silenced it. That alarm clock sound had tormented him throughout all his growing up days, from zero period choir in junior high to even earlier hours in high school and college. While all his previous alarm clock days were dreadful, somehow this day was different. He had to pinch himself to make sure he was feeling real, genuine excitement.

On this day, he would waltz into his first day of work. It wasn’t the work itself that he was excited about. Rather, it was the absence of school. There would be no tests. There would be no boring lectures. Most importantly, there would be no homework. At the end of the day, he would come back home and do whatever he wanted for the entire evening, and he knew exactly how he would spend his evenings. For a long time, he had wanted two things in life, freedom and someone to love. Now was his chance to get both and to be happy.

He moaned a loud yawn and stretched his arms as far as they could go. He had slept for nine hours and felt well-rested, but the yawn was for good measure. While his roommates were scampering around the apartment trying to establish some sense of routine, Jake was already prepared. His clothes were lined up on the floor as if a ghost of his size was already wearing them. From toe to neck, there were dress socks, khakis, a white shirt to go underneath a jazzy button-up, and a black leather belt to boot.

He hand-waved the pretend ghost away and slipped into his clothes. He sniffed his pits and checked that off the box. The Ladies Beware scent was strong enough to outmatch his especially odorous perspirations.

There was music in the air, or at least there was in his mind. It seemed like everything was dancing around him to the music of the world. It was like spring time in Bambi. There were birds chirping and horns tooting as his feet grooved down the hallway toward the kitchen where both breakfast and one of his roommates were.

The design has way more than one function, and the colors don’t pop.

Already at it, Tank? Jake said.

Tank ignored the distraction. He was more determined than anyone, and it manifested in every part of his life. He was driven physically as both his giant biceps and endless appetite indicated, but, even more so, he was professionally driven. He wanted to ascend to the top of their software tech company, and he was prepared to leave his roommates and everyone else floundering at the bottom.

Did you save any for me? Jake said as he opened up the fridge and the cupboards, hoping that Tank didn’t destroy all the food already with his furnace of a stomach.

The counter was lined with two bowls of cereal, a stack of waffles, and a peanut butter and banana sandwich, all being devoured by Tank alone. Luckily, there was a leftover muffin that hadn’t been eaten yet. Jake snagged it and walked over to the living room where another one of his roommates was video gaming.

You’re gonna play before work every day too, huh? Jake said.

Can’t afford to lose any time. Gotta play before work and after. During work too if I can swing it. Oh, come on, ref! He was all over him. How is that not a PI?

What’s a PI?

Pff, you don’t know what PI means, Jake? Where have you been all your life, bro? Juice said as he sipped the liquid sugar of his juice box through the side of his mouth.

Juice got his name for his love of juice and for his sugar-induced, energetic personality which was an overcompensation for his tiring Sickle cell anemia condition. He was a premier gamer. His ambition was to be the best Madden NFL gamer in the country, and he dedicated his entire young life to it. He would have played in the NFL if his frame wasn’t so wiry. Since he couldn’t make millions on the field, he was determined to make millions off the field by winning the prize money from the NFL Madden championship hosted at the Super Bowl.

I don’t get why you kick the football to the other team so much, Jake said with a mouthful of muffin and a brain empty of football knowledge. Don’t you want to hold onto the ball?

Juice slapped his own forehead. It’s called punting, duh. And of course, I want to hold onto the ball. Come on, Jake. Get it together. Oooo, muffin.

Juice snatched the muffin out of Jake’s hands. Jake would have cared, but he took it as a sign that he should proceed to the final stage of getting ready for the day…brushing his teeth. He had to make his mouth smell just as good as his pits.

Ladies beware of my sensational smelling pits and fresh breath. You won’t be able to help yourselves from falling in love with me, Jake said to himself.

The bathroom was cut off from any light that came through the windows or from the hallway. When he switched on the light, Kareem, his other roommate, jumped out at him.

Jake!

Agh!

The toothbrush jumped out of Jake’s hand almost as fast as his heart jumped out of his chest.

You scared me!

You gotta try my latest cream, Jake. I worked on it all night.

Kareem’s dream was to start his own business called Kareem’s Creams. He didn’t go to school for dermatology or anything medically related, but he liked the pizazz of the business name and the idea of controlling his own business destiny. He was broke and had no skills in the art of creams, but he had his mind set to sell lotions and other creams. Nobody was going to thwart his ambitions, just like nobody was able to take his smile away. He was like a soulful Santa Claus.

It smells a little funky, Jake said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can fix that. Don’t worry about it. Just feel the textures on your skin.

Jake took a dollop of the brownish-green cream and spread it into his arm as much as he could.

It’s better than Kareem’s Cream 51.0, but it’s too oily, Jake said. My hand feels like butter or just plain oil, and my arm is slippery.

Hey, well you know best, Jake. Just wait until Kareem’s Cream 53.0. It’ll soothe your skin and your soul. Hey…that’s a good slogan.

Kareem wrote it down in his book of creams. He said the slogan out loud with stars in his eyes.

Kareem’s Creams, it’ll soothe your skin and your soul.

Hey, let’s go everyone! Tank shouted down the hall with the last heap of food in his mouth. I want to be extra early today.

Jake finished brushing his teeth, and then he batted his blue eyes in the mirror and waved his fingers through his wavy, blond hair. Some people thought he looked pale, but it was just his natural skin tone inherited from his Norwegian ancestry.

When he was finished spending quality time with his mirror, he grabbed his beat-up backpack and put on his shoes. That backpack had lasted him throughout all his high school and college years, and he was prepared to wear it all the way up to retirement. It had no sentimental value. He was just cheap, and he didn’t like to spend money if he didn’t have to.

Let’s go, Juice, Tank said as he unplugged the game controller.

Juice shrieked in a high-pitched voice as his running back fumbled the ball and there was nothing he could do about it. He fidgeted and pressed the buttons on his controller maniacally even though he knew it would do nothing.

Come on, Juice, Kareem said.

Wait, guys. I’m not ready, Juice said.

Everyone was already out the door on their way to the car.

Guys…guys, wait.

Goodbye, Juice. See you when we get home, Tank taunted.

A few moments later, Juice finally leaped into the backside of the car alongside Kareem just after Tank had shifted the car into reverse.

Whew! Just in time. Haha. Hahaha, Juice breathed heavily from running. "You guys were going to wait for me, right? Right, guys? You were…you were gonna wait, right?

Everyone intended their silence to be a resounding No, but Juice didn’t take it that way.

Good to know I have such good roommates, man. You guys are the best.

Tank was the only one who had a car. Everyone else had gotten through college by walking or taking public transportation. Most of the time, they had been too poor to eat, let alone to buy a car.

Tank, on the other hand, had rich parents who bought him a Land Rover. Sometimes, he referred to the car as his baby. Other times it was his girl. But on all days, it was his most prized possession, and nobody was allowed to touch anything with any part of their body with the exception of their butts and the seats.

Wow, first day, guys. Can you believe it? Juice said.

While Jake and Tank were the quiet ones, Juice and Kareem filled the void of sound without any effort, Juice with his words and Kareem with his singing and humming.

Can you believe it, guys? Juice said, trying to establish a dialogue.

There was no point in trying to engage, however. Everyone knew that Juice was about to have a conversation with himself.

I’m just like, wow. Can’t believe it. You, you, you, me. Me and you, and you, and you. The four of us. You, you, me, you. How many combinations can I get?

4, Tank said.

You’re so good at math, my brotha, Juice said. I can barely count to four myself. It’s a wonder how I’ve gotten this far in life.

Oh, no. This is the last thing I need, Tank sighed.

They hit heavy traffic. They weren’t the only ones who wanted to get to work early that day. Tank honked and banged his head on the back of his seat. While he saw traffic as a nuisance, Kareem saw it as a chance to soak in a little more life. He hummed a soulful tune.

Oh my gosh, Kareem. Is this really happening? Tank whined.

Hey, you can’t silence a brotha, Juice said, rushing to Kareem’s defense. Brotha got some soul that he needs to get out. We just need some music to sing along with…that’s what we need.

Juice reached for the radio volume, taking his seat belt off so that he could stretch far enough.

Hey! No touchy. No touchy! Tank said, slapping away Juice’s hands.

Hey, man. When you slap my hands like that, you’re slapping my feelings too. It’s like you think your car is more important than me or something.

Tank was silent.

Hey, wanna try my cream? Kareem said to Juice.

You know I do, brotha. I love all your creams. Kareem Cream me up.

Nobody really liked to test Kareem’s creams, nobody except Juice. Despite all the failed trials, Juice was positive that the next one would be the winner.

It’s gonna be a little oily, Jake warned from the passenger seat.

Hey, no, Tank said. I don’t want oil all over my car. Just wait to try it when we’re a mile away from my baby.

Juice mouthed my baby in childish defiance. When he was finished secretly sampling the cream, he grabbed the lid to seal it, but he dropped the bottle, spilling the cream all over the backseat and the floor. What was once immaculate upholstery was now a goopy, oily disaster.

While Tank was oblivious, still focused on inching his way forward through the traffic, Jake stealthily handed Juice and Kareem napkins from the glove compartment. They frantically tried to clean up the disaster in the backseat, but it just kept getting worse. Kareem’s hands were so oily that every time he picked up the bottle he dropped it and spilled even more onto the floor. There weren’t enough napkins on the planet to alleviate the mess or the deep concern that displayed on Juice’s face. Every time Kareem dropped the bottle of cream, Juice’s face got a little more panicked.

Just grab it, Juice said in his loudest quiet voice.

I got it, don’t worry, Kareem assured him, but he didn’t have it.

Finally, Juice grabbed the bottle. He grasped it for dear life, but it was all moot when Tank exploded in anger at the traffic and accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake. He rammed his beloved car into the truck in front of him. The impact caused the bottle to launch out of Juice’s hands and up to the front of the car where it splattered everywhere.

Jake did his best to hold in his laugh while Tank was miserable and Kareem’s and Juice’s jaws dropped down to their chests.

Chapter 2

Tank’s car squealed into the parking space. The front of it was mangled. Jake didn’t think it was that bad, all things considered. Tank, on the other hand, was living in a nightmare.

Let’s just do this, Tank said.

Let me just bring my… Kareem started.

No. Don’t worry about your cream, Kareem. I want to have a creamless, perfect day from here on out.

Kareem undoubtedly had other creams along with him other than the one spilled bottle.

Jake felt nervous as he got out of the car and stared at the work campus. It was a modern software tech company in downtown Seattle. The