The Reinvention of Me: A Journey Of Self Discovery In A Disenchanted World
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About this ebook
Everyone on this planet has a story to tell and unfortunately some people endure more than others. How much of your emotional and physical well-being would you sacrifice before you broke your silence? Donna's first book on self-discovery is about how she has reinvented herself into a strong, independent, brave woman, after many years of abuse, social neglect, bereavement, and fractured love. From the very tender age of just 5-years-old, Donna's daily life involved witnessing unimaginable horrors of which have sadly stayed with her, even up until today. Such harrowing incidents of being made to watch your own mother 'self-harm' whilst the rest of the family were out of the house. To not know from one day to the next if she would experience and be subjected to the sharp, silver, razor blade that became one of her mum's best friend's? Throughout Donna's adolescent years', she hoped she would be able to come to terms with the psychological abuse that was unashamedly inflicted upon her during childhood. But unfortunately, time was to unravel that the events of Donna's childhood were to become the very foundations upon which the rest of her delicate life were to be built upon.
Take a step into Donna's very personal journey into the unknown. The unknown which has become life-changing due to a wealth of experiences - enduring such heartache over the year's Donna even questions herself as to 'how I am still standing'? But in 2014, Donna found her 'inner voice' and 'inner strength' that slowly guided her on to her chosen path. 'I feel like I am finally learning to come to terms with the shocking and despicable behaviours from people in my life. People close to me that I never thought would be capable of inflicting so much pain, anguish, hurt and abuse on to me. My story is a very sensitive, open, blunt account of my life so far. How many other people in this world are living in mental anguish, desperately trying to leave the situation they are in, and to seek refuge elsewhere?'.
What will it take for you to finally break your silence and have your voice heard? Surely, you deserve a better life, just like everyone else?
Donna Anne Pace
I am a busy mum of 6 children, a Published Author, International Guest Speaker and a Social Justice Entrepreneur. I was thrilled to publish my first ever book in March 2018 'The Reinvention of Me' - a journey of self-discovery in a disenchanted world. This self-help, inspirational book, provides support, guidance and empowerment by way of sharing my own personal experiences of life events that I have either witnessed or endured, since childhood into adulthood. I am currently working on my second book for female survivors of domestic violence and abuse, to give a voice to survivors who are currently too scared to find their own voiceI set up my own small business in 2018, 'OneVoiceMyChoice.co.uk', of which I set up single-handedly.The mission is to provide motivational workshops and coaching sessions, with a desire to help you achieve your dreams - perhaps you've always wanted to write your own book but do not know where to start? Or maybe you need guidance with setting up your own website? I believe that we all have our own unique story to share with the world! You can only achieve change if you are willing to take yourself out of your comfort zone, and face your fears!"Never allow the negativity of others to define who you are, or who you choose to become".
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The Reinvention of Me - Donna Anne Pace
CHAPTER 1
alpha & omega - АΩ
'PUSH…..PUSH, THAT’S IT, KEEP BREATHING. The next time you get a contraction, push down deep into your bottom, the head is out, nearly there'! ‘Aarrrgghh’, went my mum with such ferocity and strength, pushing as hard as she could to bring me into the world. ‘That’s it, push push push, the head is out, one more push come on’. ‘Arrgghhh, oh my goodness, oh my goodness.’ It was at that point in January 1972 that I made my journey from the darkness into the light. Little did I know at that time, well, how could I, that my parents would be handing me over to my mum’s Doctor and his wife for them to look after me for the first two weeks of my precious life. There was to be no celebrations when I arrived home from my older sister and older brother to greet me, cuddle me, or kiss me. There was to be no mother-and-daughter bonding - the smell of my mother’s skin against my little nose. The first taste of my mother’s milk which would have provided me with not only the nutrients I needed for growth and development, but also lots of precious antibodies (Immunoglobulin IgA). IgA would have enabled my tiny little body to absorb and digest my mother's milk to help build immunity from the harsh environment of the new atmosphere I was born into.
* * * * * *
Mum, why didn’t I go to school today? Can you take me please? 'No Donna, you’re staying home with me, I need you here with me'. 'Do you love me Donna, do you love me?'. Erm, yes of course mum. 'Ok, come with me', my mum said. Where are we going mum, what you gonna do? 'Just come with me'.
My mum took my hand and walked me to the bathroom, a cold, silent, fearful walk I took many times a week, a month, a year. Who could I cry out to? Who would save me from the horrors of what I was about to witness, and not for the first time. I was only 5 years old and yet my mind felt like it was maturing at an advanced rate, beyond the realms of what a childhood should be about or how it should feel.
My mum was drunk, as usual, and knew that with no one in the house, I was not about to run off in to the arms of my dad or siblings to seek comfort or refuge. Neither was I going to scream out for help, after all, who would hear the haunting screams of a 5 year old girl?
My mum picked me up under my arms and sat me down on the edge of the bath, before she walked over to the other end of the bath to perform an act of self-harm that I was sadly all too familiar with. I sat with dread in my heart thinking that the silver, sharp razor blade that she was holding in her left hand would be the tool of my demise. That I was going to die at the hands of my mum after being slashed continually across my body.
These harrowing thoughts should never be a part of any child’s thought processes. No child should have to suffer that kind of psychological abuse, at any age. Instead, my mum grabbed the razor blade in her hand and proceeded to slice and slash her wrists, deep red blood trickling from her arms on to her clothes and on to the bathroom floor like a punctured carton of milk. My mum’s demeanour was strange, as if it wasn’t her in the room, but the soul of someone else, someone sinister, emotionless and cold. How could this woman sitting in the bathroom with me, be subjecting herself and me to such trauma, and yet she carried me for 9 months and brought me into this world? Where are the maternal instincts? Where’s the sense of love and protection that any mother would provide for their young?
I sat terrified on the edge of the bath just wanting to run to the door and out of the house. I never knew where I was going to run to, just run. I was a quiet, timid child and my mum used this to her own advantage. I was kept from school many times as my mum knew I was never going to tell anyone – not my dad or siblings, what she was subjecting me to every week. I knew in my heart that if I ever told anyone, she had the potential to take my life, and at the tender age of 5 year, I was not prepared for that, not mentally or physically.
My mum used to cover up her arms and wear clothing that hid the physical scars from all the family, yet I had to bear the brunt of the mental scars that were invisible to all. Everyone just thought I was a quiet, shy child that always refrained from getting into any conflict or arguments with anyone. Little did they know the reasons for my quiet nature and why I was so very scared to speak up for myself. The sofa in our home proved to be a good hiding place for me when my siblings were home from school and my dad home from work.
I needed to seek refuge somewhere out of the way from everyone so that any eye contact with any family member was limited. The eyes are the window to the soul and I knew at the age of 5, that if my eyes depicted the horrors of what I was being subjected to, my wrists would be the next to succumb to the silver razor blade that had become one of my mum’s best