Maniac Manifesto

© 2018 Derek Thompson

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

ISBN: 978-1-54-393831-9

INTRODUCTION

In 2008, I was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder, Type I, featuring psychotic manic episodes characterized by thoughts of grandeur, delusions, and hallucinations. Often when I open up about that to someone who knows me, I get, What’s that like?

I guess I don’t exactly fit their perception of someone with a mental health issue. I’m not like that person they see in the media, the one who lives with something like bipolar disorder and all its negative stereotypes and stigma. I like those conversations I get to have with them afterward to try and explain what it’s like for me to go manic, to show them a peek behind the curtain into what I experience when I’m psychotic.

The main reason I like those conversations is that I know it’s nothing like they think it is. They come in with this idea that mental health issues, including psychosis, are a cookie-cutter diagnosis. That somehow, we’re the same as the people they see in the media committing unthinkable acts. But for most us out there fighting, it’s nothing like that.

So, what I’ve decided to do is try and recreate those conversations for you by writing a piece of fiction about what it’s like for me to have a manic episode. I wanted to show you, to the best of my limited literary skill, what it’s like to experience psychotic elements that blur the line between fantasy and reality—taking you into the Spin, where my manic life is chaotic, hectic, unpredictable, and seemingly out of control.

Contrary to popular belief, my psychosis does not make me evil. In fact, when I’m manic, I believe I’m fighting evil for a good cause. Very much like other manics, my mania is filled with a shitload of spiritual elements and symbolism. I’ve taken elements from these manic episodes and layered them on top of a favorite story of mine. I hope this will convey some sense of what it’s like in my manic mind right before I get committed.

Like manic episodes that can come and go seemingly when they will, this story doesn’t have a traditional beginning, middle, and end. During my first manic episode, I went to bed seemingly fine one night and awoke seeing and feeling so much crazy shit that I thought someone had drugged me with hallucinogens. The next couple of weeks felt like a couple of hours, with that story ending abruptly when I came to in the suicide watch wing of a psych ward in Denver.

This story is short and hopefully comes at you fast, with no real answers in the end. Leaving you with only a weird, ambivalent anticipation of what will come next. The same feeling I have after coming back down from my psychosis.

I also talk to myself constantly when I’m manic, so you will see a lot of internal dialogue to give you a sense of that state of mind. One last thing: I really wanted to imitate the feeling of my mania running wild in my mind, so I added short bursts of mixed memories from my past episodes—manic flashbacks. This also ties all the episodes together, just as the episodes during my psychosis in real life are tied together.

I’ve planted a few other surprises to give you as close to a manic experience I can. My hope is that this story will help change the negative stigma and stereotypes that are still strongly out there about mental health issues. I hope that showing what my psychosis feels like will help others out there to keep fighting theirs as well.

Perception is reality, and we need to start trying to change that toward the positive for mental health issues. This is my contribution to that cause. So, without further bullshitting: This is what that’s like.

CONTENTS

TRINITY

Chapter 1: Dr. Marvel

Chapter 2: Lyman

Chapter 3: Hunk

TERNION

Chapter 4: Billie

Chapter 5: Morgan

Chapter 6: Hickory

TRIAD

Chapter 7: Locasta

Chapter 8: Nikko

Chapter 9: Zeke

DEDICATION

For the young in heart

TRINITY

Chapter 1

DR. MARVEL

HYPNOSIS IS THE CONNECTION THAT LINKS US TO

OUR DEEPER MIND TO SHAPE OUR DESIRED REALITY!

I’m not sure why this particular poster keeps drawing my attention, but it does. I mean, there are at least half a dozen other ridiculously propaganda-filled promo posters all over the front of the 20th Century Theater, all of them hyping the amazing hypnotic gifts of the Acclaimed Royal European Hypnotist Dr. Marvel. But for whatever reason, I can’t get away from this one. So seeing how my date has yet to show up, I decide to take out my phone and note it down. It’s a weird tendency of mine, I know, but I’m a manic and have quirky crazy habits like documenting my life and talking to myself.

I don’t even believe in this mystical madness of hypnosis, but something is telling me to write it down anyway. Besides, at this point I already look pretty pathetic waiting outside the theater all by myself for this damn show. This is what I get, I suppose, for using one of those online dating services: stood up on my first weekend back in Cincinnati. I hope my mom’s happy, because I’m definitely blaming this one on her for the guilt trip she recently laid on me on my birthday for not dating anyone.

Thinking about it a little bit though, it has been three years since my last date, and like six years since my last girlfriend. So maybe, on second thought, my mom probably does have a little bit of a point, and it can’t hurt to see if my date is already in there and sitting at our seats. I mean, we didn’t say in our emails where exactly we would meet, just that it would be at the show. Yeah, I’ll just poke my head in to check real quickly. I owe at least that much to my mom. Hell, and more importantly, I owe it to my nonexistent sex life.

I slip in quietly through the back door. But the show has already started, so I walk down the aisle searching for my row. A deep man’s voice is booming out.

Many ailments, difficulties, habits, compulsions, disorders, neuroses, and even mentally generated illnesses involve some part of the subconscious. A cure is possible, but first you must accept that a change is imminent. To shift your subconscious and accept real change in your life, change must be welcomed as a desired effect, not feared. Using the acclaimed royal European techniques of Dr. Marvel for self-hypnosis will allow your mind to shape the reality you so desire!

By now I have found my seat in the half-empty theater. Just as I suspected, the seat beside me is empty. Honestly though, I’ve gotten pretty used to dating disappointments, so that is the furthest thing from my mind. Almost like a voice inside me, something is pulling my attention onto the stage and Dr. Marvel. I am completely fixated on his words as I frantically type notes into my phone.

Just then a strangely familiar feeling overtakes me, a kind of intuition. Like I am supposed to be at this very show, at this very moment, just to hear this very speech. Dr. Marvel is talking directly to me about my demons, about my mania and about my fight. As if he has a crystal ball and is looking directly into my life.

He stops talking for a moment. I stop taking notes, gripped by anticipation for what he’ll say next.

Have no fear, for it’s the media that has unfairly conditioned you to believe that hypnosis is some form of brainwashing. That couldn’t be further from the truth! If it were, I’d be talking to you all in a sold-out arena rather than this less-than-occupied theater right now. No one, and I repeat no one, can do anything against their own self-will while in hypnosis. This being said, all hypnosis should be viewed as what it is. The truth is that it is a pure and natural form of self-healing.

I can’t believe, after all the desperate searching I’ve done over the past few years, that I’ve missed this somehow. This could be my way to finally be free from my mania, the elusive answer. But then again, it could just as easily be some mystical madness. Dr. Marvel’s voice booms out.

It’s widely misunderstood, but so is the mind, and even more so the link between our consciousness and subconscious. But it is here, within this connection, that the symptoms of pain and suffering are created, and it is here that they must be cured. You can free yourself of these symptoms and allow your mind to reach new levels of self-awareness through hypnosis by freeing yourself and attaining your ideal empowerment.

I notice the few people seated around me shooting me glares and grumbling under their breaths about the light coming from my phone screen. Seeing as I’ve already made my fair share of a scene in here by coming in late, there’s no need to advertise my craziness too, so I put my phone away. Before I do, though, I sneak in one last note from Dr. Marvel. It’s really resonating with me, for some reason.

The energy of the mind

is the essence of life.

As soon as I get back home, I sit down at my computer and start researching hypnosis. Although I don’t know much about the subject, its potential as a way to control my mania has me really excited. I dig through my notes and notice that Dr. Marvel mentioned that he believes all hypnosis is self-hypnosis. That he, as the hypnotist, is more of a guide. So I decide to focus my research efforts solely on self-hypnosis.

Since my bipolar diagnosis, I have spent countless hours researching ways to be free of my mania, desperately looking into religious and spiritual methods, scientific efforts, counseling, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, family, friends, and just about every other imaginable way.  But nothing has worked.

To say I’m desperate is the understatement of the year. So this self-hypnosis treatment method of Dr. Marvel’s is more than a little intriguing. I’m so over my life being filled with delusions, hallucinations, psychosis, and random bouts of severe depression. At this point I’m willing to try just about anything.

I continue my research deep into the night, starting more and more to believe in this self-hypnosis thing. Not only do I believe in it, but I also start to think it just might have a chance to control my mania. That’s beyond crazy, considering I’ve always thought of hypnosis as purely mystical madness and hocus pocus. I click on a URL.

The subconscious mind is the center of feelings, thoughts, urges, emotions, impulses, and memories that are outside your conscious awareness.

It’s starting to make sense. My manic symptoms undoubtedly reside outside my consciousness, although they are not just my thoughts, urges, emotions, impulses, and memories. It’s more a conglomeration of them all to form an altered desired reality complemented with fantasy. They have to reside in my subconscious, because if not, I could be aware of them in my consciousness and I could control them. But obviously, none of that is happening. That has to mean my mania resides in my subconscious. Now all I have to do is figure out:  How do I to get into my subconscious? And where do I go once I’m there, and then, how do I control my mania? Sounds easy enough. Shit.

I guess, though, if self-hypnosis can help me do all that, maybe I can even pass that knowledge on to others like me out there. I mean, if we all share very similar manic symptoms like thoughts of grandeur, feelings of oneness with everything, timelessness, spiritual enlightenment, fantasies, delusions, and hallucinations, then maybe we are all connected through this in some way. If I can find a way into my subconscious mind, then why can’t I show others how to do it as well?

Right now, though, the main issue I’m facing in trying to control my mania is my trust issue. I don’t trust doctors, or nurses, or counselors, or anyone who doesn’t experience what I do. I don’t trust that they can really care about the fight as much as me, be fully invested in it. Their stated commitments are just not good enough for me. I mean, honestly, who can better understand and help me than someone else who is fighting along with me? It seems clear: If I’m the one administering the hypnosis to myself and I’m alone, then the trust issue can be avoided. Shit, I trust myself; well, most times at least. I refocus back on the website and the next topic line of the article:

In self-hypnosis, an image is worth a thousand words and is why creativity and imagination play a vital role.

Any manic can attest to having creativity coming out of their asshole, so this is just another confirmation of a positive fit. My manic night of research, combined with the words of wisdom from Dr. Marvel, is making me begin to believe this can work. I still do have some skepticism though, seeing how I got this idea from a man who only sells his book in the lobby of the show beside the concession stand. But a man’s gotta make a living, I suppose. I read the last topic line on the site:

Logic works with the conscious mind, but imagination is the language of the subconscious. With belief, conviction, and expectation, change through self-hypnosis will be