What If Our Father Were Not a Man: Change the Outcome of Your Children's Lives and Change How Your Story Ends

Copyright © 2012 Geneva Turner PhD, RN, LTC (Ret, USAR), MABC

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

ISBN: 978-1-4497-6449-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-6448-7 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-6450-0 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012915754

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WestBow Press rev. date: 10/09/2012

Contents

Part One:

Chapter1   Introduction: There Is a Need

Chapter2   Potential Plan Wreckers: Your Children

Chapter3   The Chatterbox and Cusseta Road

Chapter4   From Humble Beginnings

Chapter5   Our Family Life - Let’s Be Clear

Part Two:

Chapter6   The Best Thing a Man Can Do For His Kids Is Marry a Wife

Chapter7   Marry a Man with Eyes

Chapter8   Choose you this day whom you will serve (Joshua 24:15)

Chapter9   Have Your Freedom Now or You Can Have It Later

Chapter10   You Are Going to Be Leaders One Day

Chapter11   So You Are Running Things Around Here?

Chapter12   Your Gift Will Make Room For You

Chapter13   You Can Learn From Anything

Chapter14   You Must Learn Who Your Friends Are

Chapter15   Let Your Word Stand for Something

Chapter16   It’s a Mighty Poor Rat That Ain’t Got But One Hole

Chapter17   A Hard Head Will Make a Soft Behind

Chapter18   Use Your Head for More than a Hat Rack

Chapter19   People Put Their Britches On the Same Way You Do

Chapter20   Don’t Have a Pot to Piss in or a Window to Throw It Out

Part Three:

Chapter21   Georgie Porgie, Pudding and Pie Connie Turner

Chapter22   I Wish Everybody Had a Dad Like Mine! Milton Turner

Chapter23   Be Like the Little Engine! Yolande Burch-Daniels

Chapter24   My Granddaughter Helped Me Build It Yvonne B. Marshman

Chapter25   Don’t Whine Through Life Bessie Silmon Smith and Lois Jean Silmon

Part Four:

Chapter26   Take Your Place

Chapter27   What Changes Will You Make?

Chapter28   Send Your Children out into the World Armed

Chapter29   George and Mollie’s Legacy

Chapter30   Even in the End

Chapter31   Conclusion: Transformation Time!

Appendix A Summary Guidelines for Family Vision Plan

Appendix B Guidelines for Family Meeting

Appendix C-1 Family Meeting Agenda Example One: My Family

Appendix C-2 Family Meeting Agenda Example Two

Appendix C-3 Family Meeting Agenda Example Three

Appendix D Home Bible Study and Discussion

(Explanations adapted from commentaries)

Appendix E Hymn Lyrics

References

Also by Geneva Turner:

How to Plan a Spectacular Family Reunion: Discovering Relationships

Fathers Cry, Too: A Revelation of Hidden Tears

The effort contained in this writing is dedicated to the memory of our parents: George Robert , Mollie Bell Nelson Turner and to the memory of my husband Ronney Revis. Also, it is a tribute to current and future parents and caregivers of children all over the world, and to the infinite number of fathers who have an opportunity to reshape the outcome of their children’s lives and then change how their story ends with a vision and a plan (Then the Lord answered me and said: Write the vision And make it plain on tablets, That he may run who reads it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Habakkuk 2:2, NKJV).

Names included are from our life experiences. Some names have been changed as deemed by the author. Any association with same-named persons is unintentional.

Preface

This book is offered to you as a spring for inspiration. You will read about our father, as a grandfather, uncle, and father-in-law—not to mention many other roles—who thought about the quality of life for his children when he was just a child himself. Dad made a decision for his future children in the midst of devastation, while his father was roaming in and out of his family’s life.

Not only did he shape the lives of his nine surviving children (all with the same mother), but he also influenced the lives of his grandchildren, other relatives, friends, coworkers, church attendees, and acquaintances. He offered positive alternatives for life’s challenges to anyone who asked or to anyone who was in a crisis and didn’t have the energy or wisdom to rise to a higher state of consciousness. Raising children was his gift—pointing us and others in the right direction seemed to be his purpose in life.

The story line is brimming with antics of his rambunctious children growing up in the South during the 1950s and 1960s in a loving, organized Christian home housed adjacent to a honky-tonk on a street with colorful characters who participated in illegal gambling and alcohol to make ends meet. We were closely juxtaposed to all these negative influencers that could have happened in our lives—but did not.

It is our hope that as you read What If Our Father Were Not a Man, you will accept the challenges and assignments at the end of each chapter to make this year better for yourself and, ultimately, for the children in your life. We are living during a time in society when the family unit, of all varieties, is leaning toward a questionable existence. The next generation will look back soon and speculate on today’s lifestyle and marvel at our classic and seemingly out-of-style behavior. The demise of values and family life are unfortunate consequences because if fathers and mothers do not seize an opportunity to recapture their households, the current generation of young children will suffer as they attempt to succeed in society without a clue about essential survival skills regarding life and living.

We share many facets of our lives with you simply because varied data, including news reports, provides evidence that implementing our parents’ principles may decrease problems in families. As adults, my siblings and I are often amazed how our lives were protected and guided in spite of our neighborhood. We even ask: What if our father was not a man during our early years? Where would we be now? George Robert Turner’s love for God and for his family is presented simply for you to examine your own story and accept the challenge to change how your story ends.

Overview:

This book is not a manual on child psychology nor is it about informing men regarding the intricate parameters of manhood. It contains information about the escalating obstacles during the 1950s and 1960s that concerned parents encountered in their environment. Approaches used then are still viable for the current generation of parents, grandparents, young adults, and children. In these pages, we have provided a vivid description of happy children raised by loving parents adjacent to a thriving and booming nightclub—a honky-tonk. Our intent is to motivate parents, especially fathers, to make changes in the way they experience and implement parenting so their children will have a better chance of succeeding as adults. Activities are included that will assist you in completing components of your family vision plan. The activities are easy to complete. If you follow the suggestions and guidelines, you will find your way to a vision plan that is specific for your family. If you are willing to do the work, change is on the way.

Most chapters in this book begin from the perspective of a seven-year-old—me. The story line is designed to provide you with insight into the mind of a child when parenting instructions are provided. Think your children hear everything you say to them? Think again! Children have their own method of interpreting what you say. The shenanigans compiled herein are guaranteed to make you think about your own childhood and the antics of children in your life.

Part One: Where there is no vision, the people perish (Proverbs 29:18)

Chapters 1 through 5 evolve around the setting at our family home, the Chatterbox, and other locations along Cusseta Road. This portion of the book offers a description of the challenges that George and Mollie faced. They had success in mind, and their children had a different view: getting to know about everything that was off limits. Kind of like today’s children. However, what we did not know is that our lives were mapped out prior to birth.

Part Two: When you teach your son, you teach your son’s son (The Talmud)

Chapters 6 through 20 are brief summaries of some of Dad’s lessons. You will find it amusing how we interpreted his well-intended instructions. A structured foundation of growth for children can only lead to improvements for the next generation. The outcome of part two: change for the better is generational.

Part Three: Let Him Speak Who Has Seen with His Eyes (Zaire proverb)

Chapters 21 through 25 offer personal experiences with Dad from a few family members. These chapters include memorable encounters that made an impact on their lives. Each person shares significant pointers from his or her perspective. This section emphasizes the importance of personal time with a child. Challenges are included, focusing on the theme of each chapter.

Part Four: First, say to yourself what you would be and then do what you have to (Epictetus, Discourses)

The pivotal point of the entire book is summarized in this section. What If Our Father Were Not a Man encourages you to get to work right away and initiate changes in your life as a parent and in the lives of your children. With each chapter in part 4, you will evaluate your actions as a parent. Specifically in chapters 26 through 29, the content guides decision making and encourages action to facilitate environmental changes that make a difference for your children. A summary, comments, challenges, and significance of each chapter regarding fundamental concepts are included at the end of each chapter.

Appendix A digests challenges included for each chapter. More activities are included specifically for completing a family vision plan. Appendix B is a guide for conducting family meetings. Appendix C includes three examples of minutes from actual family meetings with my children. Appendix D provides scriptures, explanations, and key terms for home Bible study and discussion.

Acknowledgments

I acknowledge my family members—my mother, each of my siblings, and my nieces, cousins, and other relatives—in our father’s quest to give us an expected and respectable outcome in life. They made growing up in the same home environment challenging, competitive, and amusing, as well as both predictable and impetuous. Also acknowledged are the many kind people who read skeleton drafts of paragraphs, chapters, and book sections, not to mention the final draft: Beryl Joyce Turner (Missouri), Joe Nathan and Vera Lee Carter (Colorado), Carmen M. Stephens Adams (Georgia), Candace Turner (Florida), Christopher and Tisha Revis (North Carolina), Kelvin Tyrone Silmon (Georgia), Ron and Nikki Brooks Revis (Maryland), and my daughter, Gennyce Ashley Nelson Turner (Georgia).

I must acknowledge Dr. April Pitts of Detroit, Michigan, our cousin who shared vital information discovered while retrieving family history. I appreciate Melvin Turner and Vera Carter verifying our family history. Thanks to Alice Turner Burch for sharing a prized picture and her support. I am grateful to my pastor, Vince Allen, who graciously read a draft of the completed work and provided his support. Finally, my friend Nancy Elizabeth McGreevy of Homewood, Alabama, came through for me and read the completed work at the finish line.

I applaud the news media for featuring devastating stories of neglected children, families, and individuals. Reports on children raised without fathers actually spurred me to share this writing. I was saddened to hear how lives were distraught or death occurred because of violence, pregnancies, improper parenting, drugs, illicit sex, and other risky behavior. I heard about people who might have turned out to be different persons if parents and responsible citizens were prepared with a firm hand, a vision, and a plan.

Finally, I acknowledge that God gave me the idea to write this book while I was in the midst of recuperating. Ideas to include and revisions made were orchestrated by guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Part One:

Where there is no vision, the people perish (Proverbs 29:18)

Chapter 1

Introduction: There Is a Need

Let’s begin our journey of change by taking a visit to any newborn nursery waiting area in the United States … and possibly in the world. I observed the initial scene at least thirty years ago when I was a relatively new graduate, yet it was reenacted last week or even today. Somewhere, visitors, nurses, and babies repeat the same scene.

I finally arrive at the hospital. I’d thought I would be late for work, but traffic was agreeable. I race into the elevator and onto the floor where I work. Silence. That means the nursery curtains are not yet open. I have plenty of time to visit with the nurses in the newborn unit before heading to the neonatal intensive care nursery. Looking at my watch and the clock on the wall, I decide to wait with the growing number of visitors eagerly anticipating movement of the plaid peach-and-green curtains. It’s the same old expected conversations as well as expected visitors in a hospital’s nursery lobby. One man is crying with his family. Tears are all over his face. He smiles as someone hands him a tissue. Makes you smile. Another man is here with his girlfriend. They are arguing about how long they will stay. He wants to see his baby, and then they will leave. She is ready to leave now. Wow! It happens all the time.

An older woman tells a disgruntled listener that she hopes the baby looks like somebody in the family. I nod a hello at her. Yes, I heard that. Other visitors meander aimlessly while engaged in conversations on their cell phones; in the past, they used pay phones. Others talk to people in decibels loud enough for everyone to hear. One man has six babies by five different women! He is just a baby himself. Another man explains to weary and questioning onlookers that he has to leave because he was headed into a meeting when he received a call from the hospital. Tell Sandra I’ll return as soon as the meeting is over. He adjusts his jacket collar, and off he goes; those who remain look at each other and shake their heads. So many conversations, both good and bad, that predict the future life of newborn babies. Maybe so, but then again, maybe not.

I open the nursery door to say hello, and the nurses greet me as they continue to check each baby before opening the curtains. The babies are quiet; it’s not unusual for this to occur before the curtain time. The curtains are opened. As we peer out the nursery window, we make jokes about nursing and life. We all laugh and wave to the waiting crowd.

Family members press against the window; others peep around heads and point out their newborns. The father of six lightly taps on the nursery window to get his baby’s attention. His new son, positioned in the second row of bassinets, erupts with a wailing scream. Some of the babies follow suit and squirm from side to side. If they could run, some of them would be out of their well-protected cribs. Almost all the babies scream at the tops of their lungs as though protesting: Look at that guy. What does he know about being a father? Look at that other guy. Is he your father? What are we in for? It only takes one crying baby to get the entire group of them going. The crying father gets a big smile and a poked out tongue from his treasured baby girl as she moves her head to feel the warmth of the snug blanket around her. He smiles back and points her out to his family. Maybe she knows she will be okay.

Off to work I go, leaving the nurses to attend to a room full of crying—or are they actually protesting—babies? Kind of funny when you think about it, but it happens all the time. Babies respond on queue as if to say, You’re not sending me home with these people are you?

It is amazing to me that right from the start of their new relationship, none of these fathers would admit that it was their intention to do any of the following: (1) be absentee fathers; (2) raise their children to feel bad about their existence; (3) put their sexual immaturity before the physical, mental, and spiritual health of their children; (4) ensure their children grow up without restrictions in their value systems and risk becoming future criminals; or (5) raise hurting children who might succeed in life but who have emotional hurdles to overcome. The nursery lobby scene is almost a daily occurrence in any hospital in the United States.

What If Our Father Were Not a Man addresses life lessons from the children’s perspective. Chapters include segments of conversations with our parents, especially our father as he taught us about life and living. As I remember a similar nursery lobby scene, I also remember asking my father during one of his lessons, Aren’t all men the same, Dad? I mean, aren’t they all just men? This was my childish response to my father’s declaration that a man is not a man simply because he wears pants and was born male. In this book, you will discover that our father—actually, both parents—did not leave family life and learning to chance for their children. No topic was left untouched.

I was stumped recently in a grocery store. A young mother meekly stood by as her toddler refused her attempts to tear him away from items stacked on a shelf. I was in a group of concerned older people who warned the young mother of impending danger. One lady suggested, Make it easy on yourself honey, and put him in the cart.

The child’s mother said, But he doesn’t want to get in the cart. With that announcement, several of us left the scene. I heard someone tell her, It’s for his safety and for your sanity. She attempted, but the little boy was not hearing it. No! I don’t want to.

What does a toddler know about safety, life, and living? What does any child know about raising himself to the point of becoming a respected adult? In fact, what does anybody actually know about life without wisdom? How can a two- or three-year-old child be the boss of the home? Parents seldom have a clue about child rearing, and a child certainly knows nothing about the topic. If this child’s behavior continues, many joys of family life will be dimmed by overwhelmingly stressful behavior, and it could possibly lead to volatile teen years. Then again—maybe not.

What If Our Father Were Not a Man will help you reassess your approach to parenting, family life, and life in general. Information is included to provide you with opportunities to rethink how you live this precious and short period of life as a parent. As you read about our lives, you will soon realize that happiness for children is not always a measure of financial abundance or gifts. Happiness is the result of love, security, and safety guided by a vision and a plan used to aim our lives. As you read this book, you will soon realize that it’s possible that your children are, in a creative and abstract way, sharing with you what they might become in the future. You have to see them now with your clear-thinking head and heart.

As I observe today’s world from my position in the South, with travels to various states and countries, I naturally see it from my father’s perspective. In the ’50s (and until his death), he announced to anyone with ears, This country is going to hell in a hand basket as we sell it off brick by brick. Many of Dad’s spontaneous lessons were designed to guide us to become independent, God-fearing, vote-conscious adults.

As far back in time as I can remember, many of Dad’s declarations were eventually enacted before our eyes as irresponsible and inexperienced people regrettably learned life’s lessons the hard time-wasting way, with trials and many errors. His prophesies of destruction about the American economy now cause me to reflect on his comments and sigh. The success of his children speaks volumes about his commitment, dialogues, and consistency in our home—despite the ominous presence of plan wreckers in our community.

Dad announced reasons for possible hard times for this country and for wasted lives of thoughtless persons. His favorite topic was why Americans don’t buy American-made products. However, his passion was for children. He talked about

1.   children having children and trying to raise them without any forethought or one tiny bit of wisdom;

2.   families crippling their own children with emotional turmoil; and worst of all,

3.   men who shirk their responsibilities and become sorry excuses for fathers without a clue about what to do with or for a child, and the doggone thing about it—they keep making them.

These statements resonate thunderously in my mind. At the time, I thought his words were just time-honored bantering with equally opinioned cronies. Boy was I ever wrong.

Today I realize that I have become like my father (actually, both parents) as I take a retrospective account of my childhood. I know that George and Mollie Turner’s plans have come full circle. As I view young people today, I wonder about the direction and pattern of their trajectory. For years, my vantage point allowed me to question the behavior of teenagers and young adults who dubiously celebrated perceived rites of passage: I’m grown now and can make a baby; I’m grown now and can party my life away; I’m almost grown and don’t need advice! Many are ill prepared to cope with today’s standards, and others have no clue about competing in our ever-changing world, which is scientifically charged with explorations of the future. Honestly, it is not their fault—altogether.

Despite news reports of what is wrong with our country, there are many salient points to extol about its people. However, if you are a parent who wonders about your life story, What If Our Father Were Not a Man offers a chance to make changes in the lives of the people who matter most to you—your children. Inevitably, when your children become adults with an understanding of how to focus, aided by such resource skills as diligence, drive, determination, solid work ethics, and most important, the word of God, they have a better opportunity of attaining their purpose. It will occur if love, concern, consideration, creativity, discipline, goals, rules, and a vision and a plan (plus many other things) balance it. Only then can children become adults who make our country great.

Let me caution you that our behavior may alarm you. Yet if you slow your mind’s pace, you will discover that your children are announcing to you who they will become, just as we were.

Besides me, the characters in this book are my eight siblings: Roland (Tom), Alice (Peewee), Melvin, Connie, Milton, Juanita, Ricky, and Yvette. Significant to our father’s story are numerous nieces and nephews (our cousins), and three are included: Lois and Bessie (sisters) and Cecil (deceased). Supremely vital and consummate in our lives are two of our many amazing nieces, Yolande and Yvonne, whose early growth and development was in line with our own.

You will discover basic principles that guided our parents with bravado. Basic life principles never change, regardless of the span of time they are used. What does change is how those life lessons fit within the context of the current society. This work contains glimpses of the Turner household, which ultimately produced successful adults, despite their community, who were allowed to be creative, menacing, innovative, resourceful, and introspective and had malleable minds.

Finally, many passages are humorous. Most components will stimulate you to action. You will discover joy that erupted even in the worst of escapades while our parents raised and guided us to become productive members of today’s society. Our parents shaped our characters and allowed us to engage in discovery while we were young children. With a plan in their minds and in their hearts, plus measures to overcome obstacles, we were aimed like arrows toward purpose and success. You can do the same in your life and for your children. Accept the challenge to change. Rest assured that the confused and dysfunctional scenes displayed in the nursery lobby area can stop today. Right from the start, protesting babies wage war for change. Enjoy!

Chapter 2

Potential Plan Wreckers: Your Children

It was the summer of 1957, and the next month, July, was my birthday. I wouldn’t have to be seven anymore. Seven! I was the same number of years old as the number of bullets that killed Dr. Brewer. I wanted to be eight years old. I must confess that at the age of seven, I was superstitious, just like most of the kids I knew. Consequently, my beliefs framed the rationalization and perhaps it was a bit of that same superstition posed only by me to explain his death. Kind of in the same way we avoided breaking our mothers’ backs by not stepping on dividers or cracks on the sidewalk. And we actually believed in such nonsense.

I was seven when I discovered that college kids steal clothes when they live in the dorm. My brother Tom had his name written in everything. Connie and I helped Madea do it. We called our mother Madea. The second time our brother’s clothes were stolen, somebody even took his underwear! Uncle Alfred and Aunt Emma lived in the same city. They had to take clothes to Tom because he had nothing to wear except what he had on. The other students even got his Smith Corona typewriter, his transistor radio, and his new Polaroid camera with instant pictures. He was a snazzy dresser, and he loved new gadgets. Now somebody else was snazzy even while wearing his used underwear. What a picture!

All these thoughts about my birthday and Tom’s stolen clothes came to mind as I stood in the middle of the dance floor of the Chatterbox, where Melvin saw Dr. Brewer again when it was being erected. He stepped on a nail, and Dr. Brewer pulled it out of his shoe. We saw him for the first time at Uncle Henry’s house on Baldwin Street. I later learned that they had meetings there regarding voter registration. We didn’t think of him as the fighter for equal rights in Columbus, Georgia. He was the nice Negro doctor who everybody was proud of. Back then, I did not know him by his future titles: the bold doctor who was killed because he organized black voter registration drives and the man who campaigned for black police officers to be hired. Later I learned of his life efforts and of his fate. At the time, though, who knew why he was killed?

I stood in the middle of the dance floor without hesitation or intimidation, as though the place were home. By then, I had come to the honky-tonk during summer breaks and other times for about two years to get Tom, my oldest brother. His real name was Roland Benjamin. When our nieces were born, he told us to call him Roland. When we asked him why, he said that his nieces and future nephews would not grow up to call him Uncle Tom. We chimed in, But that’s your nickname. He told us that it wasn’t anymore. What did we know? Besides, what was the big deal?

Madea sent me to bring him out of there because Dad would be upset. But Tom—or rather Roland—heard yet didn’t hear. I was so dramatic, on purpose sometimes, and I could get him to come home every time.

As usual, I waded through crowds of drunks and kissing people all questioning each other: What is that child doing out here this time of night? Others said, Little girl, go home! You’re not supposed to be in this kind of place at night. I looked at them with a frown from head to toe as if to say, Just what are you going to do tonight, Nasty Person? I looked at someone else and thought, And you, you know what you did last night. I saw you kissing that lady.

I was sent on a mission, so I paid them little attention. I continued inside the turquoise-colored building (on one side anyway), with 7UP and Coca-Cola signs all over it, to search for Roland. I almost gagged each time I entered the building. The combined smell of smoke, alcohol, and sweat were almost too much for me to bear. I did not hide my disdain for their habits. The entire time I searched for him, I did so with an exaggerated frown, a turned-up nose, and sometimes with my hands on my hips.

Dad was on his way home from work. All his children had to be accounted for, and no one, absolutely no one, could get away with being in that place as an excuse. Ah, that would be like sealing the deal for punishment. The thought of it was kind of funny. Who would tell the truth? Not Tom or Peewee, our oldest sister. Her name was actually Alice.

Funny thing? The rest of us did not have nicknames that were used consistently. That’s rather odd.

Actually, something different was happening to me. I was too comfortable inside the Chatterbox. I was not intimidated being around dancing adults. Being there did not seem odd to me—even at night. I was not afraid, nor did I want to leave once I was there. It seemed perfectly okay to me; I had a kind of debate inside my head about why Dad didn’t want us inside. Who knew—maybe in the future when I was grown up, I’d come here at night too! Or maybe I’d sneak over like Tom and Peewee.

The music blasted, and the people swayed to the beat, all of them seeming to have cigarettes hanging from their lips. They didn’t have anything on me. I knew what it was like to smoke because I’d tried smoking Camel cigarettes about two years earlier. I’d discovered Tom’s cigarette stash and took some out of the package. He had plenty left. One evening I went into the bathroom, locked the door, and proceeded to light one of my prized cigarettes. The small room filled with smoke almost immediately. My mouth was on fire, and my eyes and my nose hurt. I couldn’t stop coughing from the smell. I got dizzy and passed out on the bathroom floor. I don’t know how long I lay on the floor or how I even got there. I woke up surprised that I was on the floor. My head was spinning. I guess I got carried away that time. I felt sick to my stomach in my dizzy state.

Somebody knocked on the door and tried to push it open. Whoever knocked on the door left after a few seconds and did not return. The person must have thought that the door was locked from the inside accidentally. We did that a lot; it was our only bathroom at the time. I remember having a headache, and my stomach hurt; I don’t remember feeling any of that before I puffed on a cigarette.

Tom wasn’t supposed to smoke either. When he discovered that cigarettes were missing, all he could do was look at me. He couldn’t tell on me. That was funny. You had to be there to see his face. He knew I took them. He couldn’t tell Madea or