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    Suicide Note
    Suicide Note
    Suicide Note
    Ebook121 pages2 hours

    Suicide Note

    By Pain

    ()

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    About this ebook

    If someone had told me I would be dead by the time I was thirty, I probably would have put more urgency in trying to accomplish something with my life. A life that I would one day look back on with great regret and sorrow. You never know when today will be your last today, and tomorrow is just an illusion. When the person you planned on calling or seeing is no more than a dream you can't remember. Or a goal that you set for your self now seems so far out of reach. The future can get farther and farther away, while the past can catch up to you in an instant. I suppose I will never know when my tomorrow will end, or when death will call upon me. Unless I take life into my own hands. . . . And I choose the day I die.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAuthorHouse
    Release dateJun 29, 2011
    ISBN9781456769949
    Suicide Note
    Author

    Pain

    PAIN was born September 20th 1970 in Upstate NY. He is an avid writer of dark poetry and song lyrics. He has had a trying life battling depression and Bi Polar Disorder as well as paranoia and physical illness. Most of his work is a reflection of his every day struggle with sanity and the desire to live, and at some point his desire to die. You will find yourself traveling down dark and lonely paths fighting off a beast that wishes to consume his soul. Starting from the time he was just five years old, feeling afraid and lonely, hiding in the darkest corners he could find. To the eventual fall he could not escape. Filled with stories and poetry of his life and finally his early departure from this earth. This is PAIN. And this is his story.

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      Book preview

      Suicide Note - Pain

      © 2011 Pain. All rights reserved.

      No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

      First published by AuthorHouse 6/24/2011

      ISBN: 978-1-4567-6994-9 (e)

      ISBN: 978-1-4567-6995-6 (hc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4567-6996-3 (sc)

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2011908242

      Printed in the United States of America

      Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

      and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

      Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

      This book is printed on acid-free paper.

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      Contents

      Dedication:

      Prelude:

      My Confession:

      Chapter 1: The Beginning

      Chapter 2: The Rain

      Chapter 3: Redemption

      Chapter 4: Fate

      Chapter 5: Karma

      Chapter 6: My disease

      Chapter 7: The End

      Postlude

      About the Author

      Dedication:

      I would like to dedicate is the book to my children, David, Marcus, Nina, Alexa, Devon and Michael. It is because of you I lasted this long on earth it, is not because of you I have left it. It is my hope that you may one day find it in your hearts to forgive me for my absence. And to my beautiful wife Kaylee, you are forever my angel. I do not know how you put up with me as long as you did and I love you. The struggle I have encountered in this life has no one to blame but my self, and I tried to fight it every day. I love you.

      I would also like to dedicate this book to all of those people who have encountered me in their lifetime, too many of which I could name. I am truly, deeply sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. And for some, the pain you still endure to this day because of my actions. It was never my intention to hurt you. Please believe that I hold this pain in my heart and not a day has gone by that I have not thought of you and how much I wish I could take back what I have done. Or do more to repay you for what you have done for me.

      And finally, it would be my wish that no one ever reads this book. It pains me greatly to believe that there are people on this planet who feel the same as I do. Although I have spent all my life looking for you, I have found some peace in believing I was alone.

      I will hold the pain of everyone, anyone who has traveled down this road. Hoping that the sacrifice of my life was enough to pay there toll.

      Prelude:

      I saw my reflection one day in a dream; he was all alone near a pond by my old house. He was in pain that was very clear to see. As I kneeled by the edge to offer some comfort he spoke to me, in such a soft voice, almost a defeated whisper.

      He asked if I would be so kind, not to take him on this journey of mine. He told me he could not take any more, and begged me to set him free. I could see the tears streaming down his cheek, and his blank glare staring off into nowhere. He could not bear to look at me, and I could not believe the pain and misery I have caused. I wanted to help him, help me. But where would I begin. When I wanted so badly to escape myself, how could I expect anyone else to stand with me?

      The mistakes I have made and the losses I have incurred I have projected beyond my own skin. I have chosen to stomp through the heat in bare feet and unknowingly dragged many with me.

      He spoke; I listened, and realized what I have done.

      He said, I have stood beside you in silence when all we wanted to do was scream. There were so many days I could feel our lungs taking in air but we couldn’t breath. I have stood beside you while our silence becomes more silent to those we love, and in return, we have made them feel as if it was all their fault. I have stood beside you while we were hiding in avoiding the people we needed, while we made them feel we wanted to be alone, being found was all we seeked. I have stood beside you while our dreams escaped into the night, and above all, if nothing else, we were never alone in this fight.

      He was right. I ran my hands across the water hoping to brush his skin. I am so sorry for all I have done but please don’t leave me now. But in the ripples he just disappeared, I guess he chose his freedom.

      I suppose there is a dark place in us all, whether or not we choose to travel there is what defines us as a person. Whether or not we choose to allow it to control us, is what will define our future. I suppose in my life, I also had a choice. Maybe I chose not to travel there, but instead, it chose to travel to me. Then the choice became; do I allow it in, or do I fight. Will I allow it to take me back to its cold dark dungeon I once found comfort, or will I fight for my life? I guess we will see.

      My Confession:

      You would not believe what happened; I came out the womb scrapping

      Looking for fight the first night, couldn’t breathe and already tired of life

      If I could have ended it right there, could have saved my mom many years of prayer

      No doubt, my so-called dad would not have cared; no doubt, this shit might be for real

      No, fear the tears we sheds for there, lost dreams and nightmares that we share

      You scared, me I’ve lived this here, life’s lessons end up as questions contesting my very presence, in essence most is worth forgetting

      Bless me father for I have sinned, It has been to long since my last confession

      Now what the hell was I thinking, getting hooked on pain pills and drinking

      Smoking weed as if it were free and shitting on those who really did care for me

      Who’d believe that my minds the enemy, who’d believe it would deceive and conquer me, who’d believe that I would never achieve, sanity to set me free

      Now will see if old boy is really hard, maybe he aint, maybe he are

      Who got scars, who trapped behind life’s bars, who got these problems going unsolved?

      Who got game, who tries to reverse the blame, who got shame attached to there real name

      Who got detention in the back of there mind sweating, sitting down for confession.

      Chapter 1: The Beginning

      I started off like any other normal kid, I suppose. I had 10 fingers and 10 toes; two eyes and two ears. I was born September 20, 1970 in a hospital and town in the middle of nowhere. I would be the youngest of six children. My parents’ first child was a boy and they named him Michael. Unfortunately, he died of complications a few days after birth. Then they had four girls, Michelle, Sheri, Maria and Tracy, then me. Obviously, I do not remember being a baby, who does.

      I think my very first memory was kindergarten. I could remember the smell like it was yesterday. It was the smell of white Rice, I do not know why but I remember specifically the school smelled like white Rice. You could smell it from a block away and I did not want to go. I do not remember who dropped me off, just crying and begging them not to leave me. I developed a great distaste for people. Not just certain people, any person that I did not know. I spent all day in school starring at my desk, I did not look up, and I did not look around, just focused on my desk. When we went outside, I would stand by the fence hoping someone would come to get me. Staring off into the distance, as if there was something better to see. I didn’t talk to anyone, I had no friends, it was my first nightmare. The very first time I questioned my existence. I have no idea how long I stayed in that school, but to a 5 year old, it felt like an eternity.

      Some time later, we moved in with my grandparents. The house was very small so it was just my mom and I. I am not to sure, where my sisters were, I think they were staying at my aunts house. I started going to school right down the hill from my grandparents’ house. It was so much better, so comfortable. Maybe it was because I can see my house from my classroom, or maybe it was because there weren’t so many people.

      A few weeks later, my mom told me she was moving but I was to stay here with my grandparents. She told me she would come back for me when it was safe. I had no idea what she meant by that, but I loved my grandpa so much and was so comfortable there, I just said okay. Some weeks would pass and I would see my mom occasionally when she would come to visit, but hardly ever my sisters. I was making friends and playing outside allot. My grandfather would always be there, watching over me. He was like a hawk, hovering all the time as if something was going to happen to me. It really didn’t bother me at the time; I thought he was just there to play with me. I didn’t realize the danger that lurked just down the Hill.

      A friend of mine named David and I would always play on the hill out in front of my house. In the wintertime, we would go sledding, and in the summertime, we would just ride our bikes up and down the sidewalk. The only time my grandpa would let me out of his sight is if I was walking down the

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