Love & Gospel Music: What's Wrong with Tellin' the Damn Truth?

© 2011 by Timothy Blaine. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 09/29/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4634-8736-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-8735-5 (ebk)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011915071

Printed in the United States of America

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Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Chapter One

The Relationship

Chapter Two

My Brother Johnny

Chapter Three

The Death of Benny

Chapter Four

California and the World

Chapter Five

Church Boys

Chapter Six

Lost Sheep

Chapter Seven

The Music

Chapter Eight

Called

Chapter Nine

Family

Chapter Ten

Repentance

Chapter Eleven

Better and Worse

Chapter Twelve

Ohio

Chapter Thirteen

A Talk with the King

Chapter Fourteen

Fame

Chapter Fifteen

The Fourth Question

Chapter Sixteen

The Art of Reinvention

Chapter Seventeen

The End

Chapter Eighteen

Destiny

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my Gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters who every day go out into the world and do their part to sing and encourage this beautiful Gospel.

Acknowledgments

I first want to thank my editor and friend of many years Terry Beswick. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve the kind of unselfish dedication that I have come to expect from this man. I can only say that I am deeply and forever grateful that he has taken such an interest in my work and me. Terry helped me put together my autobiography four years ago, and now this. Thank You Brother.

There was an older lady (one of the Elders of our church actually) that really took a likin’ to that first book METH MONSTER. She was always askin’ What you doin’ next baby? When’s it coming out? She made me feel real special, you know. Like wow, somebody is really interested, excited even about hearing what I had to say. Well there came a day when I was able to tell Dr. Doris Lucki Allen that the book was finished. The first thing she said to me was. You need some help with the publishing baby?

Thank you both Terry and Dr. Doris Lucki Allen. This time we were an army of three.

Of course I also want to thank the members of City Of Refuge—UCC. You are the people that unknowingly fed me the stories that went into creating ‘LOVE & GOSPEL MUSIC,’ and which also had me askin’ myself, Exactly, What IS wrong with tellin’ the damn truth.

Chapter One

The Relationship

Dear Mr. JesusFebruary 2, 1968

I want to introduce myself. My name is Dwayne Anthony Brown. I live at 1461 Howard Street and I’m ten years old and I hope it’s okay if I write to you Lord and I’m not breaking the rules or causing trouble again. My momma says that I’m always causing trouble with my writing. I can’t help it, Mr. Jesus, I just like writing things down. Maybe it’s because I stutter so bad. I can’t help that either. The other kids make fun of my stutter. They call me names and laugh at me when I get mad at them and then I stutter even worse. But I don’t care because I write better than anybody in my class. They’re all just a big bunch of dummies and that’s why they make fun and that’s why I hate them. I don’t have any friends.

When I was six my momma caught me writing a letter to Santa Claus, WOW my momma got so mad at me! She said that I knew that there was no Santa Claus and that I was just trying to manipulate her. I wasn’t doing that Mr. Jesus! I promise. I don’t even know what that word means. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty for not spending her hard-earned money on a bunch of junk that I didn’t need and she couldn’t afford. It wasn’t true! I was just writing a letter to Santa like everybody else at my school. So that’s when I found out that there really isn’t a big fat white man sitting up on the North Pole somewhere waiting for Christmas Eve so he can bring me presents. But I don’t think my momma should have been yelling at me just for doing what Miss Reid told me to do. Miss Reid is my teacher and I like her a lot, she always has nice things to say to me. Miss Reid says that my writing is a gift from God, and I’ve never gotten less than an A minus from her class. If Miss Reid knew that I was writing you right now, Mr. Jesus, she’d say Way to go Dwayne! Great idea! I know he’ll read every word. That’s just the kind of person Miss Reid is. Just between you and me, Mr. Jesus, sometimes I wish Miss Reid was my momma.

My momma is not mean on purpose. All the grown ups say that my momma acts the way she does because she’s hurt and mad at somebody else. Momma did just get divorced again but I don’t know why that ought to make my momma feel bad. She ought to be saying, Thank you Jesus! My momma was married to a bad man, a real, real bad man. He hit her in the face and the stomach too sometimes. My momma got black eyes from him. One time I saw that man kick my momma in the head with his big work shoes on! He was always telling me to call him Daddy, but I never did, not even one time. His name is Buck, but I tried my best not to call him anything. Sometimes I pretended to stutter even worse when he was around just so I wouldn’t have to talk to him and I’m very sorry about that, Mr. Jesus, I know how much you don’t like it when people lie but it’s just that I hate that man so much. My momma shouldn’t be feeling bad because that bad man is gone; she should be saying, Thank you Jesus! That’s what the ladies in church would be saying. I wish my momma would go to church with us on Sundays so she could learn how to say, Thank you Jesus! Glory to God and Hallelujah!

My grandma comes to our house every Sunday morning to pick us up—me, my brother and my little sis—. Oh! I’m sorry, Mr. Jesus! I should tell you about the whole family before I tell my story.

First, there’s my momma who just got divorced and never goes to church. Then there’s my brother Johnny, who’s twelve and beats up the kids that laugh at me and make fun of the way I talk. And then there’s my little sister, Sara. She’s only four and reminds me of a little poodle—sometimes I call her puppy. And finally, there’s grandma. She doesn’t live with us but we kids spend every Sunday with her. My grandma never misses church and so neither do we.

Now, please don’t get mad at me, Mr. Jesus, and send me to hell forever and ever. But grandma says that I should always tell the truth when I talk to you, so that’s what I’m going to do right now. It is true that I really do like going to your church every Sunday morning with my grandma. But it’s for the wrong reason. I go for the hot doughnuts and cold milk. And I know that you don’t want anybody going to your church just to get the hot donuts and cold milk but it’s the plain truth—that’s what I’ve been doing since I was a little kid.

And so, now I recent. Grandma says that that’s what you have to do when you do something that you know is wrong. She says, All you got to do baby is recent, then tell the Lord Jesus what you did wrong, and then never do it again. And the Lord will always forgive you.

And then she said—kind of like just because I’m a little kid—that I should always tell my momma or her, too.

So for the last two Sundays I’ve been staying in the sanctuary and listening to the preacher man talk. Our preacher man’s name is Reverend Nicolas and man can he talk! Sometimes I can’t tell if Reverend Nicolas is talking frontward or backwards. To tell you the truth sometimes Reverend Nicolas looks so funny to me up there yelling and screaming and jumping up and down flapping his wings like a big chicken. Reverend Nicolas talks so fast and so loud that most of the time I don’t even know what he’s talking about. Grandma says that that’s why I still have to go to children’s church downstairs in the basement. She says, Don’t worry baby, the Reverend is a Great Man of God. One day real soon you’ll be able to understand him just fine.

Anyway, these past two Sundays I didn’t take any of your doughnuts either. One of the church ladies named Miss Mabel told my grandma that I was only drinking cold water at snack time.

What’s the matter, Dwayne? Why aren’t you eating anything? my grandma asked, pulling me to one side. I know how much you love Miss Mabel’s hot doughnuts and cold milk. Are you feeling all right? Tell your grandmother what’s wrong baby.

At first I was going to say, No, this is just between me and Mr. Jesus. But then I thought, if I say that, grandma’s feelings will be hurt and that will make her sad. I love my grandma, Mr. Jesus, and I don’t ever want to make her feel sad. Besides, nothing makes my grandma happier than talking about you and the Bible and Mr. Moses. I think that my grandma knows just about everything there is to know about God Almighty too. So I told my grandma that I wouldn’t be eating any more of your hot doughnuts and cold milk because I had to stop doing what I used to do that was wrong. I told her I had to recent.

At first my grandma just looked at me like she was confused. And then she smiled all big like only grandma can and said, Well now, young man. First, I want to say that your grandma is very proud of you. You have a heart that seeks to please the Lord Dwayne, and that’s the most important thing. But now tell me what you did that was so bad that the good Lord wouldn’t want you eating his doughnuts and drinking his cold milk.

So I told my grandma the whole truth, Mr. Jesus. I told her about how I never listened to the Reverend when he was up there on the stage jumping up and down talking about sinning and recenting. I told her about how I was always fooling around in Sunday school and children’s church and never paying attention and never learning about the Lord’s business. I even told her about how me and some of the other kids laughed and made fun of Miss Mabel and some of the other church ladies when they would get happy and fall out on the floor.

I know that I have done wrong, grandma, I said, tears stinging my eyes. Miss Mabel is a big woman and when she hits the ground she hits it hard! She could hurt herself bad when she falls down. It’s not funny! And I shouldn’t be laughing at Miss Mabel and the church ladies upstairs and then come downstairs and take the good Lord’s hot doughnuts and milk from the other church ladies. It’s not right, grandma! So please don’t tell me what a good little boy I am and pat me on the head for telling you this. I have to recent!

Okay, okay, Dwayne, now I understand, but please at least let me go and speak to the Lord about it. You run and play with the other kids for a little while, your grandma needs a little prayer time.

I went and sat on the front steps of the church, where my grandma came and found me about twenty minutes later. Well young man, she began, you know that I don’t play around when it comes to spiritual matters, Dwayne. So I’m not going to say that I heard the voice of God telling me what to say to you. To tell you the truth, I’m never absolutely sure of what the good Lord is saying to me or when He’s saying it. I’ve been wrong more than a few times, like when I married that good-for-nothing grandfather of yours… Anyway, grandson, we both know that I’m an old woman and I’ve been walking with the Lord since I was a little girl. Him and me go way back. So I’m just going to have to tell you what I think the good Lord would have to say on these matters. Is that okay, Dwayne? You don’t mind if I jump in your business just a little bit here, do you?

Of course not, grandma, I said. I trust you. I know you’re very smart about God.

"Well then. First of all child, I wasn’t just saying what I said earlier to make you feel good. Having a heart that seeks to please the Lord is very important, Dwayne. I think that’s just about the most important thing a person should learn. The second thing I want to say to you, baby, is I think you may be wrong about never paying attention in Sunday school or children’s church or when Reverend Nicolas is preaching. How do you think you know so much about repentance, sin and all of those Scriptures that pop out of your mouth from time to time? Lord knows you didn’t pick it up around your momma’s house. And even though you and me talk about the Lord quite a bit, Dwayne, I am forever being amazed at some of the things that come out of your mouth. Baby, I’ve raised six children of my own, help raise five grandchildren so far, and taught Sunday school for close to fifteen years. I’ve known more than my share of ten-year-old boys in my time. Do you think any of those other little rascals were having this kind of conversation with me at your age? Well the answer is no. I think that the Holy Spirit has already come alive in you, Dwayne! That’s why you feel bad for laughing at Miss Mabel and the other ladies when they fall down. When God’s Spirit comes to live inside of us baby, it changes the way we think and that changes the way we act.

"That’s a big part of the reason that the Lord had to go to that old wooden cross, Dwayne. Jesus had to change from being a man to being a spirit. If the Lord had stayed a human being he would only have lived a few more years—no more than fifty I would think—but because he is now a spirit, He lives forever. That’s why we’re still talking about Jesus two thousand years after He was killed baby. Do you understand that the Lord never really died, Dwayne? He’s still alive, baby! And Jesus is even more alive today than he was way back in the Bible days. The spirit of the Lord wants to lead and direct our lives, baby. He wants us to be better people than we are because he loves us so much.

Now that brings us to our current situation. Dwayne, I think that the good Lord is leading me to instruct you in this way. Do you understand what I mean when I say that I’m going to instruct you, baby?

Sure, grandma I said. That means you’re going to tell me what to do.

She laughed and then looked at me over her glasses. "Well, more like I’m going to teach you something that I was taught a long time ago. Dwayne, baby, we can’t pay for our own sin. If we had to pay the price for our own sin then that means that you and me and everybody that we know or will ever meet would have to lock ourselves up in prison and throw away the key. Because we are all guilty, Dwayne.

"Yes, even your sweet old grandma—as much as she loves the Lord—is continually falling short of God’s high standards. In this life grandson, and especially here within the walls of the church, you are going to meet many people who will tell you that they live righteous and holy lives. And, bless their hearts, I know that many of them are doing their very best. But the Bible that I read tells me that, to God, ‘all of our righteousness’—that means our very best efforts—‘are as filthy rags.’ Oh, and by the way baby, even if we did decide to lock ourselves up in prison and throw away the key in order to pay for our own sins that would not be nearly enough. For the wages of sin is not prison, it’s death.

Well, you know the rest of the story, Dwayne. God sent us the Christ. Our merciful God worked out a plan that would satisfy His hunger for perfection. Jesus, is our righteousness, baby. He’s already paid the price for every sin you or I will ever commit or think of committing and that includes these concerns you’re having right now. That’s why we love him so, Dwayne, the Lord has taken care of our ongoing problem of sin and being right with God. As long as you believe this baby, you’ll always be right with God.

And then she smiled again and held my face in her hands.

Now, as far as these doughnuts and milk young man. Unless you can convince me that the blood of Jesus covers everything except little boys who don’t always pay attention and sometimes giggle when the ladies get happy and fall out on the floor, I would go back to enjoying your snack time. But, don’t let me hear about you telling anybody that your grandma told you that it’s okay to sin, because that is not what I’m saying, Dwayne.

It sure sounds like that’s what you’re saying, grandma.

Help me, Lord, she said then, looking up to you, Mr. Jesus. "Here’s what I’m saying baby. The spirit of the Lord spoke from somewhere deep inside of you, Dwayne. He told you about something that you were doing that was not right. When you heard this Voice (even though I didn’t hear you call it a Voice), it made you feel bad about something that you were doing. And, instead of ignoring the Voice, you repented—that means you felt sorry for what you did.

"And then you went the next and maybe the most important step baby: you turned from your sin. These past two weeks you’ve been paying attention and asking questions down in children’s church. And, I’ve noticed the difference in the way you act up in the sanctuary too. Sitting up there in the fourth pew looking so handsome and well behaved! I am so proud of you.

"I believe that this is what the good Lord wants from us more than anything in the world, Dwayne. He wants us to hear his Voice and to follow Him.

"Spirituality is not just about following a bunch of rules and regulations. Religion can be a good thing, baby. Lord knows, we can all use some good old time religion in our lives. But, your grandma doesn’t want you to be confusing the two. Just because a person is religious doesn’t mean that they know or have any kind of a relationship with God, baby. In fact, you don’t even need God to be religious. In biblical times, the Pharisees were probably the most religious people who walked the Earth, and yet they didn’t even recognize God when he was staring them right in the face. No, all you have to do to be religious, baby, is to read The Book and at least try to follow the laws. I know in my heart that God wants more than that from us now.

If reading the scriptures and obeying the laws were enough to satisfy God Dwayne, then what would be the point in sending us, The Christ? We’re not the Israelites and these are not Old Testament times. God has given us a brand new Testament and a brand new way to live. When you hear the voice of the Lord speaking to you, baby, you pay attention to what he’s saying and then follow his instructions.

"And when you trust and believe in him enough to continually pray and talk to him about all of your problems and concerns, it means that you and God have a relationship. Of all the relationships you will develop in your lifetime, Dwayne, this is the most important one. That means that as much as you may love your momma, your brother and little Sara, or as much as you may love me or anybody else you will ever meet, love God more.

"We’re all going to leave this world some day baby—every single one of us. Maybe we’ll all be reunited on the other side and maybe we won’t; I don’t pretend to know. But one thing is certain, whatever awaits us on the other side, baby, God will be there with us. The Bible tells us that as long as we put our trust in, Jesus Christ, He will always be with us baby, not just for the seventy or eighty or ninety years that we’re kicking around this old planet, but forever Dwayne. Forever is more than thousands and thousands and thousands of years. Forever, never ends baby!

"Now do you see why our relationship with God is more important than anything else, grandson? Everything that we experience on this planet is nothing when you compare it with eternity.

"God is our real father and heaven is our real home—now that’s a whole other teaching—but for right now I just want you to understand that your relationship with our Creator is the most important one that you will ever have, Dwayne. The fact that you’re already communicating with Him is a great privilege and a great honor. Be happy when the Lord corrects you, baby. He only does it because He loves you so much.

Oh, and one other thing, grandson—the word is repent with a p. R, E, P, E, N, T. It means to feel sorry for your sins.

Chapter Two

My Brother Johnny

January 12,1970

Oh, Lord! How I do need you now!

Lord God Almighty! God, this is just too much! I hope I can at least write it out, because I feel like I can hardly breathe! The police just left our house, and now they’re looking for my brother, Johnny. But, so much has happened in the last two days, Lord.

It all started when my mother’s ex-husband, Buck, showed up at our house drunk at around 2:30 in the morning. Everybody was asleep of course, but we all woke up at exactly the same time. The first thing I remember hearing was my mother screaming, Call, 9-1-1! Call, 9-1-1!

Then, everything started moving so fast it almost felt like I was on a runaway roller coaster. A roller coaster on its way to hell with no breaks. Buck was banging on the front door hard—really hard and really loud! It sounded like firecrackers going off inside my head. Calling my momma all kinds of horrible names and saying over and over that, this time I’m gonna kill you woman!

Momma was pushing everything she could reach against the door—chairs, tables, lamps, the vacuum cleaner. She even managed to get the big sofa over to the door, sort of… I think she was trying to build a barricade from the door to the wall so Buck couldn’t get through after he broke the locks.

I got on the phone with, 9-1-1, but Lord, Sara wouldn’t stop screaming and my stuttering was so bad that the, 9-1-1 lady, couldn’t understand what I was saying. She kept yelling at me, I need the address! I need the address! Sir, you’re going to have to try to calm down. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me your address!

All I could think was; Why is she calling me ‘sir’? I’m only twelve years old.

And I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with, Johnny. Why wasn’t he helping her? He wasn’t doing anything! He was just standing there at the foot of the steps, staring at the door.

And then, all of a sudden, the banging stopped, and everything got real quiet. Even Sara, stopped screaming and was trying to figure out what had happened when… BANG!

The back door flew off its hinges, and in a flash he had his hands around my momma’s throat. You sent me to prison, bitch! he kept yelling. You sent me to f—ing prison!

And that’s when I saw that Johnny was holding something in his right hand, and in that very instant my brother raised up the gun and delivered the first blow directly to the side of Buck’s head.

And then, Lord, I saw something in my brother that I pray I will never see again. Johnny climbed on top of Buck and hit him with the butt of the gun again, and again, and again. He wouldn’t stop hitting him!

Momma and Sara were screaming their heads off, and I had Johnny by the back of his shirt and was trying with everything that I had in me to pull him off of Buck, but the shirt ripped and I fell backwards and hit my head on the steps.

Sara tells me that it was only when my brother saw me lying at the foot of the steps that he stopped hitting Buck. Fortunately, I was not really hurt, only a little dazed. But Buck was in bad shape—real bad shape.

And before any of us could even check to see if he was still breathing, the police were banging on the front door! Momma screamed and grabbed the gun, wrapped it up in Johnny’s torn shirt and ran up the stairs.

Of course, it was hard for the cops to get through the front door because momma had all of that stuff piled up against it. But before I could even go to push the big couch out of the way, they were kicking down the door. That poor door was having a really rough night! Just as it came down, four or five more cops were coming through the back. And then all of a sudden our little house was full of police and medical people and I don’t know what else. It seems like there were a hundred of them but it was probably more like ten or twelve altogether.

In an instant they had Buck laid out on a stretcher. He was moving his head a little and making sounds, so at least I knew that he wasn’t dead. To be honest, Lord, after what I had just seen my brother do to him, Buck’s head moving at all seemed like a miracle.

And then, I saw what must have been the biggest black man that I’d ever seen in my whole life. He was asking my mother questions and writing things down.

Where is your son? Where is Johnny? he kept asking, and that’s when I realized Johnny had disappeared! Momma was trying to explain what had happened and how it was all Buck’s fault, but all the policeman wanted to know was where my brother was. Momma kept trying to turn the subject back to Buck kicking down the door, but the big officer didn’t want to hear about Buck. First things first, ma’am. Now, where is your son?

All of a sudden, momma yelled into the crowd of policemen and medical people. I need to check on my babies! Where are my children? So, of course both me and Sara ran over to my momma at the same time, and as she held us by our heads close to her mouth I heard her whisper, "Don’t say nothing about no gun."

Just then, the huge policeman put his hand on my shoulder. I don’t know what that man’s momma fed him when he was a kid, but his hands were as big as baseball gloves.

Ma’am, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to ask your boy here a few questions.

Alright, officer, momma said, but please, only a few questions. These babies have been through enough for one night.

Now, maybe I wouldn’t have been so nervous if that policeman wasn’t so darned big. But like I said, he was huge, so he made me feel very shaky and right away I knew that if I tried to say anything at all I wouldn’t be able to control my stuttering. Plus, after what momma had just whispered in our ears, I knew that I was supposed to hide something. And you know how lying makes me stutter Lord.

I guess the policeman could see how nervous he was making me. Alright son, I’ll make this easy for you. I have only one question: do you have any idea where your brother might be right now?

N-n-n-no, sir.

After everyone had left, momma went right to her bedroom and closed the door. I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there looking at the mess. Sara started crying again. I began to clean up.

And then, after a little while, momma came out of her room holding a white envelope in her hand. She set it on the table and grabbed me by both of my shoulders. Look at me, boy! Listen up! This is the most important thing that your momma has ever told you to do. Do you understand what I’m saying to you, Dwayne? Do you understand that what I’m telling you to do right now is very important?

Y-y-y-yes, momma.

I want you to go find your brother and I want you to give him this note.

But momma! I said. I don’t even know where he’s at!

Don’t argue with me, boy! Now get your butt out there and do what the hell I told you to do! She put the note in my hand and I ran to get my coat. And one other thing, Dwayne. Don’t even think about coming back to this house until Johnny has that note. Do you understand me?

Well, this must have been when you stepped in, Lord, because the moment that I took the first step out the door, I knew right where my brother was.

The sun was just coming up when I left the house. I decided to ride my bike even though there was quite a bit of snow on the ground. I knew that riding my bike all the way to my grandma’s house could be a little dangerous since a lot of the streets didn’t have sidewalks, but I just had to hope that the snow wouldn’t start up again. If it started snowing again the cars might not see me riding in the middle of the street. My momma would have a fit if she knew that I was on my bicycle, especially going as far as my grandma’s house. But, my momma had said that this was very serious business. I don’t know what the note said, but I was sure that momma wanted Johnny to read it before he spoke to anybody, especially the police. Walking would have taken too long—I didn’t want Johnny getting nervous and leaving my grandma’s basement before I got there.

My grandmother never went down in her basement; she said that the stairs were rickety and unsafe, so she padlocked the door and put away the key. I once heard my brother say that a person could live in grandma’s basement for years and she’d never even know they were there. I also knew that he had been down there with a girl at least one time. Boy, would my grandmother have something to say about that if she ever found out!

When I finally got there, I went right to the back gate. I