You May Now Kiss the Bride: Biblical Principles for Lifelong Marital Happiness

Reviews

Dr. Charles Shepson, author, lecturer, pastor and founder of Fairhaven Ministries (Tennessee and British Columbia)

   "Very interesting thoughts; very practical, too. Your insights and revelations are intriguing! Excellent analogies. God has gifted you for writing.

   "The insights, principles, and astute analysis of issues you set forth in this book are very worthy of consideration!

   May the Lord make this comprehensive book a great blessing to many.

Dr. Harold Berk, now retired, served as a missionary pilot in South America, academic dean of William Tyndale College (MI), owner of Diesel Fuel Systems Service Agency, and publisher:

   Refreshingly simple, yet profound, You May Now Kiss the Bride stands as a testament to the wisdom of God’s revelation to humanity when it comes to marriage. The author focuses on how man, woman, and the relationship of marriage were designed by their Creator to bring maximum joy and fulfillment to mankind. Recognition of this design as well as the understanding that a happy marriage is not automatic, but must grow and mature over time, is essential to the realization of this love relationship.

   Newlyweds will find this manual challenging; long-time happily marrieds will acknowledge the enduring principles found in You May Now Kiss the Bride.

Dr. Harold Greenlee, now retired after twenty-four years as professor of Greek, Asbury Seminary, Wilmore, KY, and twenty-five years working with OMS and Wycliffe teaching in seminaries around the world, was asked to review the author’s treatment of the Greek words found in chapters 7 and 14.

   I’ve read [chapter seven, Gender in Decision Making] and I believe you are saying that the husband is the authority in the marriage but that he should listen to counsel and advice from his wife. I agree.

   As for porneia [in chapter 14], yes, I agree with your extended meaning.

   In a phone conversation discussing the word sigao found three times in 1 Corinthians 14, Dr. Greenlee supported the author’s conclusion that sigao was a directive (Shush!) to prevent disorder that would arise in the assembly if a person with a prophetic message would not yield when another rose to speak, if tongues-speakers insisted on speaking without an interpreter, and if women’s unspecified behavior continued.

You May Now

Kiss the Bride

Biblical Principles for Lifelong Marital Happiness

James M. Riccitelli

Copyright © 2012 by James M. Riccitelli.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001, 2002 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only. Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4497-6390-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-6391-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-6392-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012916952

WestBow Press rev. date: 11/09/2012

Contents

Reviews

Prologue

Chapter 1      THE JOY OF BEING MARRIED Joy Assured, Joy Recaptured

Chapter 2      GOD’S MATH One+One = One

Chapter 3      COMPANION BY COVENANT The Vows

Chapter 4      ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Amen and Amen!

Chapter 5      WHODUNIT? Finding Clues in the Garden of Eden

Chapter 6      MIV ON THE PEDESTAL Authority or Equality?

Chapter 7      GENDER IN DECISION MAKING Complementary, but how does it work?

Chapter 8      PAIRED VALUES Both/And

Chapter 9      THE V-FACTOR The Vulnerable and Their Protectors

Chapter 10      BURNT TOAST Losing, Winning

Chapter 11      DREAM MARRIAGE Healing Words

Chapter 12      RESTRUCTURING THE EXTENDED FAMILY Dealing with the Unexpected

Chapter 13      FINANCES Please Don’t Step on President Lincoln!

Chapter 14      DIVORCE AND THE EXCEPTION CLAUSE Epoxy or Elmer’s?

Chapter 15      LIVING TOGETHER Plenty of Disadvantages

Chapter 16      Q & A Tying Up Loose Ends

Epilogue

What Did You Learn from This Study?

About the Author

THANK YOU, HEAVENLY FATHER,

for your guidance

in bringing to light godly principles

that make lifelong marital happiness possible

for those about to be married,

for those already married and

for those who think their relationship is terminal.

THANKS TO THE MANY COUPLES

who have taught me much

about human behavior,

THANKS TO RUTH,

my beloved wife of sixty-five years,

and to our five children, their spouses, and families

who have sharpened my understanding

of human relationships.

Abbreviations and Credits

All photographs are from the portfolio of

Photographer Kenda Riccitelli Lentz

with the exception of Wikimedia prints:

The Elephant, The Decision of the Flower, The Penny;

and the Thinkstock picture in chapter one.

Chapter heading quotes are adapted from the writings

of Dr. Harold Berk.

Much appreciated is the sharp eagle’s eye of friends,

(Drs.) Harold, Charles and Russel

who with much patience and diligence

reviewed the manuscript

and made valuable suggestions.

Prologue

The big day has finally arrived—the day both bride and groom have been eagerly looking forward to! It will mark the moment when the two will become one. No matter how long or short the courtship; no matter all the myriad of details involved in planning for the wedding, the reception and the honeymoon, that is all history now. Anticipation and expectation are about to become reality.

The processional begins. The bride comes down the aisle, never looking more beautiful and resplendent as she does in her wedding dress. The groom can hardly contain his pleasure as her father takes her hand and places it in his. Hand-in-hand, they stand silently as the soloist sings the song especially chosen for the occasion. The minister exhorts each with words of wisdom. The wedding vows are spoken. Wedding rings are exchanged. The groom eagerly responds to the long awaited phrase You may now kiss the bride. He turns, draws her in to himself, and in this moment of ecstasy, kisses her.

With this public expression of their new relationship together, history forever records their presentation to the invited guests as husband and wife—two individuals now sharing that unique oneness called marriage.

The minister presents them to the congregation as husband and wife. They tingle with excitement as they hear those words for the first time, husband and wife. There is applause as the recessional begins.

Going back down the aisle, they have the biggest smiles, but lost in their excitement, they barely hear the applause. Their joy propels their steps along more quickly than when the bride walked in on her father’s arm. They enjoy another quick kiss in the foyer and then, turning around, begin to greet their guests.

After the hand shaking and hugs, they run to a limousine amid rice, bubbles, balloons or confetti, and drive off with horns blaring, heading for the reception. They spend a delightful evening with their many guests. Then slipping away for a change of clothes, they are finally off to the long anticipated honeymoon.

During the next few days, the euphoria of the wedding continues. It is enhanced by the intimacy intrinsic to marriage. Their first impression of marriage? The thrilling experience of all things new is beyond their wildest dreams. They keep talking about the highlights of the wedding—even though the details are a bit of a blur.

They recall the minister welcoming the guests (they don’t remember a word he said) and offering a prayer (they remember he said Amen). She does remember the minister asking, Who gives this woman to be married to this man? She remembered her father choking up when he said, Her mother and I. They recall the moment when the groom, all smiles, accepted her hand. They won’t fully realize until later that, by this symbolic act, a father was giving notice to witnesses—and to the world—that the responsibility of providing for his daughter was now transferred from parents to the groom—a man they didn’t know all that well but their daughter told them she loved him and he loved her. What her father and mother saw of him during the courtship seemed to bear that out.

They remember saying their vows. The groom says, laughing, Remember how hard it was to light the unity candle! Nodding her head in agreement, his bride laughs too. They remember that first kiss, shared passionately, and then the second reassuring one in the foyer!

The pleasure of remembering their special day is almost overwhelming. The details will have to wait for the DVD.

As the honeymoon comes to a close, practical aspects of life together begin to intrude on the happiness experienced during the first few days of life together. They return to the apartment they rented and enjoyed furnishing. If he’s a traditional groom, he carries his giggling bride over the threshold into their new home.

They are no longer living in separate apartments and their new kitchen belongs to both of them. Who decides what they will have for supper? His suppers consisted mostly of hamburgers. Salads are her first choice. Who sets the table? Who washes the dishes after supper and puts them away? How will they spend the evening? These little questions are all new. Bigger questions will come a little later. They resolve that first menu problem by ordering in pizza. After supper, they cuddle on the sofa. He puts his feet up on the coffee table and she raises her eyebrows. That puzzles her but she says nothing.

After a few days, he does it again so she asks him Do you always put your feet on the coffee table? It is his turn to be puzzled. Sure, he responds. We always relax this way at home. No big deal, he thinks. He dismisses her question as unimportant and turns back to the TV screen. She continues to mull it over. She can’t remember him doing that over the months they were courting. Her mother would certainly disapprove!

Over the next few months, other differences will come to light. In time, after so many little differences surface, a question begins to form in the back of each of their minds: Is this the same person I knew and loved while we were courting?

They had concluded while courting, they were very compatible. They both liked bowling. After one such occasion, while heading home, he suggested they stop at a restaurant. It was after midnight and she was tired, but she brightened up and said Sure, that’s a great idea! Seated, they asked each other What shall we eat? and, laughing, both decided to order breakfast. She ordered eggs over-easy with Canadian bacon and he quickly said, Ditto. He didn’t particularly like Canadian bacon, but knew if he ordered what she ordered, she would be pleased. When served, he reached for the ketchup bottle and asked, Ketchup? She looked at his plate and mustering up a smile, responded, I guess. Thanks.

During courtship, she discovered he liked to attend sports events. When he suggested they attend a game, she agreed because she enjoyed being with him, not because she cared a lot about sports. She had fun watching him enjoy himself. Then she invited him to a concert and he said he was happy to go and be with her—but classical music was definitely not his thing.

Are they compatible? He had assumed she liked sports; she had assumed he liked to go to a concert of the classics. They both ate eggs and Canadian bacon with ketchup, and both liked to be together. They decided the ‘chemistry’ was good between them. They discovered they really loved each other, and after a proposal of marriage, set the date for their wedding.

Now, as the days pass, they discover that the joy they felt on their wedding day and during the honeymoon was being subtly reshaped by the reality of trying to relate together in the everyday experiences that make up married life.

You May Now Kiss the Bride describes what a couple may encounter after their solemn vows have been sealed by ‘the kiss.’ There can be much joy, but there will be inevitable yet unexpected and unpleasant potholes and bumps in the road. Those are warning signs and they are saying Slow Down and Pay Attention!

Principles explained in this manual will enable husbands and wives avoid potholes, repair breakdowns, and preserve marital happiness. Common to all newlyweds is the discovery that the intimacy of marriage uncovers many differences. At first thought, differences may seem undesirable. But differences are healthy because they contribute to the formation of an exciting new union that will be uniquely theirs. Of course, this is assuming they are able to resolve their differences satisfactorily. Differences do not need to cause an ever-widening chasm because there are godly principles available and, if followed, guarantee a lifetime of happiness and joy. You May Now Kiss the Bride explains how this can happen.

To those about to be married, I say it is better to take time now and acquaint yourself with tried and tested principles that God has given in His Word. It is exciting to know that God always stands behind His principles. He is the original Promise-Keeper. You will find these principles presented and illustrated in You May Now Kiss the Bride. As we all know, being prepared reduces a workload by at least half.

Married already? If so, you have already found the journey is not an easy one. To walk along determined to do it, My Way, as Frank Sinatra used to sing, is to stall your journey dead in its tracks. But it is a blessed journey for those who press on hand-in-hand, determined to do it God’s way. If you have been married many years and your marriage seems to be stalemated, please note that this manual will help you bring your mountains back down to easily navigable molehills.

This is a must manual for those about to be married as well as for those who, already married, are struggling because the principles that guarantee a long life of marital happiness still elude them.

Chapter 1

THE JOY OF BEING MARRIED

Joy Assured, Joy Recaptured

God designed marriage for the purpose of bringing human beings

into the highest joy and earthly pleasure possible,

permitting those sensitive to His voice

to experience the fullness of His intent even in this broken world.

The kiss, the receiving line, the reception, the honeymoon, a new apartment! This is pure joy! Could it get any better? Yes, it can, but under a new set of rules. Rules in marriage? Sure! Remember, two have become one, and that calls for a new kind of togetherness. There were rules when he roomed with two fellows before marriage and she and a friend had an apartment together. The rules were understood and usually not written (except perhaps the date the rent was due). They will soon find that two boys living together or two girls living together is quite different from a husband and wife living together.

The gallant knight-husband has to get beyond reveling in the fact he has been victorious. Yes, he, the pursuer, has caught his prize. Yes, his arrow hit the bull’s-eye. But this is not to reduce marriage to the commonplace nor to a crass hunt-and-capture-the-prey game. No, marriage is nobler than that! But man is a hunter, and a bride feels blessed she has been caught.

When newlyweds wake up on their first morning together in their new home—the dynamic between them begins to change. And it should. New behavior patterns acceptable to both spouses must be learned, while old habits that are found to be annoying to one’s spouse must be reevaluated, adjusted, or discarded. All this takes time, but it begins with an open mind on day one.

Since the pursuit was taxing and time consuming, they must now settle down, he believes, and be real people. He sheds his shining armor quickly. For him, the thrill of getting married subsides and becomes a quiet contentedness. It is now time to give one’s attention to other things, to the more practical things in life.

She wonders why he doesn’t tell her he loves her after the honeymoon is over and why he doesn’t kiss her as eagerly as he did in courtship. He has already done all that before the minister and a crowd of witnesses, he thinks. She knows I love her. Why would I have to keep telling her? That’s all behind him now! Mr. Newlywed-to-be (and all married men), think again! Joy in marriage is fueled with unexpected kisses, even if they are a peck on her cheek or on the back of her neck.

The pleasure of being pursued by a knight in shining armor was so delightful and the memories of it make her feel so good that she keeps telling herself it ought to go on and continue into eternity. Didn’t he commit himself to a pattern of attentiveness in courtship and, when standing before the minister, vow to love her until death do us part? That gives her goose bumps just thinking about it. Since that made her feel so good, why wouldn’t he think such good things like that ought to continue? Especially with those three delightful little words, I love you!

There are couples that continue to experience the blessings of a satisfying marriage because they have found the secret that makes it so. We look at them and say, That’s what marriage ought to be! The ecstasy of courtship seems to have become married bliss for them. Hear ye! Hear ye! It didn’t come that way without work!

Courtship ecstasy was achieved because two people worked at loving one another. Marital bliss is a result of a commitment to work at moving from the emotional love of courtship to a love that wills to love whether one’s spouse got out bed happy or grumpy. It is loving as God loves. Happily, God explains what His love is like and has given us principles to follow along with wisdom and strength to implement them. Joy in marriage doesn’t happen because a magic wand was waved over you on your wedding day!

Here is something I found that nudges love along even after sixty-five years of marriage: when she gets up in the morning and hasn’t had time to run a comb through her hair, give her a gentle hug and a kiss and say quietly, I love you or, Thank you for marrying me. She might not be so willing to accept a compliment at that hour in the morning. She may say, You can’t love me looking like this, to which you respond with something brief like following the kiss with the words, I still think you are my beautiful bride. If she starts to protest, say it anyway, and kiss her on the top of the head. (If, like my wife, she is shorter.)

Ms. Bride-to-be, you will begin marriage somewhat exhausted because for months, you, along with your mother and sisters or girlfriends, labored hard and long preparing for the wedding. It was all very exciting but emotionally draining. There is more work to do? Yes! But remembering all the good things you have just experienced, your joy will more than compensate for the notion that it is work.

Mr. Groom-to-be, do you think your work is done in the romantic department? You have it all squared away. You wooed this woman, and now it is time for relaxation and TV watching while you enjoy the fruits of your labors. There is more work to do? Yes! Remembering all the good things you have experienced through courtship and now the wedding and honeymoon, your joy will more than compensate for the notion that it is work.

A happy marriage requires work, and it starts with a new marriage-togetherness philosophy," a philosophy that requires each of you to lay aside my way and work on developing our way. Our way may mean an agreed upon decision to do it the way he suggests, the way she suggests, or a new way that reflects the creativity of you both.

Marriage is not a ho-hum affair, and the blessings far outweigh the input of labor.

What If …

Marriage begins with the thrill of the bride wearing a beautiful wedding dress and the groom, looking handsome in his tux. Hearing the oohs, ahs and applause of invited guests puts the new Mr. and Mrs. On the proverbial ‘cloud nine.’ After all that and a few months of married life, must your marriage settle down to the humdrum? The answer is an emphatic no, even though many married couples you know seem to major more in faultfinding than in showing they are pleased with one another.

Is boring inevitable? No, it is not! The principles that follow, if practiced faithfully, will keep your marriage fresh and exciting. Joy will come to stay in your home, and your joy will be contagious.

When a relationship becomes one of bickering, unkind words, and tit-for-tat behavior, it is sliding downhill to disaster. Joy cannot thrive in that environment. When catastrophe is straight ahead, can a couple apply the brakes, stop, and recapture the joy of being married? Yes! Are marriages heading for the rocks salvageable? Yes! What if they say, I don’t have any feelings for my spouse anymore? A couple may feel their love for each other and their joy in marriage are irretrievably lost. Does that mean it is better to terminate the marriage? No! No! No! The remaining chapters in this book explain why it is not necessary (in fact, why it is wrong) to terminate a marriage and how you can experience a joyful marriage.

Courtship is fragrant with ecstasy and is called by some the most unnatural period in two people’s lives. My definition is different: courtship is the period in two people’s lives that is more Christlike than any other time in their lives. Why? Because in courtship, each takes time for the other, honors the other, and