Frederick

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Epilogue

List Of Characters

Chapter 1

I finally decided to tell the story of my life being fully aware of the fact that the project that I am embarking on, which I have become so obsessed with, will not be a simple one. To retell pieces or scenes of our existence sometimes ends up being counter-productive, or maybe we need to remember some distant and past event so that we do not fall into a dark hole, like this one that has taken me so long, and I have had to struggle so hard to get out of. Perhaps, in this way, it might help to alleviate my conscience from the negative episodes that weigh so heavily on me. They never stop tormenting my ever so tired memory!

To be German carries its weight, I can attest to that. Some persons have their own preconceptions which end up creating distance by a certain sector of the population. We constantly and repeatedly hear how we should not make differences between races: Racism is cruel and absolutely wrong. The mere fact that we are all so different is a frightful discovery. How many times have I found myself in a strange place and suddenly realize that I was not the same as the rest of the people around me. It is not a pleasant experience.

After all, I do not regret it. I have lived a full and interesting life. I built up my strength and had determination which, in turn, gave me the inspiration to survive. I am German by birth, and proud of it until the day I die.

I was not curious enough to ask my family about who our ancestors had been, what their origin was, or how many generations had been German. In our family, we were not that analytical. We lived with our daily chores, routinely carrying out our obligations. Our lives unfolded without major ups and downs, without great expectations or huge disappointments. Our minds were occupied with events revolving around home life and the family. I was physically strong but, nonetheless, vulnerable to certain experiences. We were happy, in our own way.

Being the boy from the countryside that I was, did not prepare me for the life and the changes that I would live to see…I suffered the loss of my country, my family and my home. It was an adventure plagued by chance.

I was brought up in an attractive, simple, isolated home, surrounded by pine trees, almost completely hidden among them, in a house that was built of stone and brick. There were pots hanging from the windows where we would have seasonal flowers, and wooden shutters painted in green that would open up on either side, with an opening in the shape of a heart. As spring arrived, the narcissus would grow along the fence. I loved my home, always neat and tidy and with the aroma of delicious food. I felt safe there; surrounded by the people I loved the most. It is possible that everything was even more beautiful than the way I remember it. I can still feel that love and harmony that we had.

My story is not one of the most pleasant ones, nor is it congenial or sweet. My strong desire to survive and not abandon myself to absurd circumstances, to which I was exposed, will be read between the lines. The mood was of chaos and insanity. Dreams withstood the cruelty of the moment, in the quest to find good reasons to preserve and love life.

I had a brief vision of a future that never happened. I was absolutely sure that my destiny should be similar to that of my parents. I would conduct myself in a correct and intact, natural, orderly and decent manner. I needed to prepare myself and learn everything about the countryside and the pig farm, which is where the formation in our lives had taken place.

On one occasion, as we were leaving church, I heard one lady speaking to another. Pointing at us, she said: This family is very peculiar, they are a little strange. Could that be the general consensus our neighbors had of us? I thought to myself.

If I began to analyze those concepts today, I must admit that Albert and Margaret, my parents, had a mind of their own. They were non-conformists. They expressed what they thought without hypocrisy, even though they were attached to tradition. Basically, we were Roman Catholics. Nevertheless, we attended religious services of other denominations including a Jewish Orthodox Synagogue. On other occasions we attended Madame Blavatsky’s conferences regarding theological teachings.

My father did not concern himself with the brutal work ethic imposed on him. When we were young, the only job my sister Helga and I were occasionally allowed to do was to feed the baby piglets.

I used to get along very well with my sister, even though we had different interests. She took care of her cat, and I did the same with my two dogs. I would wake up to go to school and prepare breakfast. She was an eternal dreamer, her goal was to study nursing and marry a doctor. Our lives reflected an innocent and happy period of rural Germany; knowing nothing bad could ever happen…

I did, however, live a difficult moment when I was around seventeen years of age. I was confused, very sad and excited; with moments of great melancholy. I could perceive my mother’s fear, since I was acting on a misguided maturity. One night, I made the announcement to my father that I was leaving home and that I needed to put some distance between us.

I would like to clarify that I was never very close to my father. He had a unique way of loving. He wasn’t indifferent, but he did communicate sparingly…The way he looked at me at that moment was so penetrating, almost as if he despised me. Moving in circles around the room, with his head in his hands, all he could say was: The news you just gave me is too much for me, it is more that I can take…

An hour later, he started complaining of chest pain. The family doctor recommended taking him to the hospital and a few days later, he died of a massive heart attack. Following the funeral, his doctor, Hans Brucker, was making his rounds in our area visiting the sick in our community, as he did on a daily basis. When he passed by our house, he saw me sitting on the front porch. He got out of his car and walked slowly towards me. I felt like a child, very confused and embarrassed. All at once, I was overcome by feelings of sadness and guilt.

Downhearted, I waited. There was a long silence. My expectation was intense; and then, in a slow manner, he said to me: I wanted to tell you, Frederick, that you were not necessarily the direct cause of your father’s death. His heart had been weak for some time now. As the family doctor, I had been treating him for low blood pressure and depression. The fact that he kept it to himself did not help him. He didn’t want the family to know about the state of his health. He was aware of the fact that he was deteriorating day by day. This statement made me think of what it would feel like to open the cover of a manuscript that had been found after a long search.

With the death of my father, I decided to stay. In other words, I resisted the urge to take my trip. I resisted the urge to travel around the country.

Life at home turned to a happier note. There was a lot of work, with the chores of the pig farm and the fields. In a way, I resigned myself to my luck and dedicated myself to learn the secrets of this business. My only sister, Helga, was just twelve years old and I felt indispensable…

Chapter 2

It was 1923 and although there was a high rate of inflation and unemployment in Germany, our lives were very busy. The pig farm and pachthof were not extensive, however, the daily chores were unending and working was more of a diversion than an obligation. Weekend evenings, to my delight, I made my living by playing the accordion at the local mountain restaurant, with a typical orchestra made up of my friends. On weeknights, I attended night classes studying mechanics at the tradesman school. Although my life was so active from dawn until bedtime, my desire to see the world, to know and see everything, was growing inside of me. More so, I felt an urgency to try new things, which meant nothing less than traveling around Germany, with a backpack, accompanied by my friend Fritz…

When we gathered with our neighbors, the subject that always came up and that everyone worried about was the situation our country was in. This is where I would hear stories about World War I. I tried not to be interested or worry myself. I was yearning to live a full life, to enjoy my youth without problems. I tried to adjust myself to the changes caused by my father’s passing. I felt liberated when I played my accordion with my band and enjoyed each moment watching the couples dance to the wildest polkas. Feeling that contagious enthusiasm filled my soul with happiness. My personal issues were safely put away so that no one could detect them. What I was feeling was common among many young people at the time. I was quite handsome and as an amateur musician with talent, I became very popular with my audience and my friends.

This is how the days, the weeks and the months passed. The work on the farm was never ending.

One day something happened that, in a way, came to change my life. My mother announced that her brother, our uncle William, Willy, as we would come to know him, was coming to live with us.

Although I truthfully had already gotten used to the daily life on the pig farm, weekends with the band and the night classes, studying mechanics, that evening at school, my friend Fritz and I got all worked up when we started talking about the possibility of taking that trip we had dreamed of making together. My uncle would take my place for a time with the duties on the farm and ‘pachthof’.

Fritz was my lifelong friend, he didn’t take anything seriously. The war inflicted pain and anguish on him, but he kept it to himself and masked it with indifference and selfishness.

Fritz Wilhern had been born and brought up in a ‘pachthof’, next to ours. He was a tall, thin, and sometimes reserved young man, and a great lover of music. He was very popular with the girls. His bold forehead and deep blue, half shut, bedroom eyes illuminated the countenance of this Silesian country boy. It was always hard to tell if he was just waking up or melancholy. He was a joker and had a great sense of humor.

It was 1935 and we were twenty-three years old. We had never been outside of our little town except for a few short trips to Hamburg. And so, as the days passed, when we had a little free time, we would plan our trip to travel around the country together by bicycle. In a way, I had lost the confidence and enthusiasm I had felt two years earlier. Back then, I felt like a bird, whose cage had just been opened, without knowing which way to go.

What did we know up to that point? Only what we had read in the newspaper or what we had heard on the radio, or rumors the neighbors told us.

Back then I knew that there was a certain level of sophistication in Berlin which, unlike the rest of Europe, granted an exciting experience with wonderful sites, places to visit, museums, theatres; the city was a diamond. I knew it was a cosmopolitan metropolis, fit for international tourists and businessmen, and we were just young men from the sticks, naïve and lacking experience. We needed to fit in and try to use some of the well-known sense of humor the people of Berlin were known for, something that was unknown in the rest of the country. We also did not count on having a lot of money. We only had the tips we had saved up from playing the accordion, and a little from what they paid us which was included in our course study as aviation mechanic apprentices.

Everything coincided with the fact that in one month, we would finish our classes and receive our diplomas.

After a few days, my uncle Willy, who was not exactly the most enthusiastic or direct person, called me over saying, Ever since you decided to leave on your trip, you look worried. What’s the matter?

There are a few things on my mind, Uncle. I replied.

Tell me the truth and be honest with me. How can I help you, Bub? He continued.

It’s just that I’m feeling the anxiety that you get before leaving on a trip. The idea of going far away from everything familiar to me, the expectation of what I’m going to see and learn…and convincing myself that I will be strong enough to pedal my bike that much. I said.

There’s nothing to be worried about. We will communicate with you from time to time by telephone. He reassured me.

Uncle, I also have my pride, I don’t want to cry about my problems. I know that when I go, Mama and Helga will be in good hands. That makes me feel good. I added in order to calm him down and convince him.

The life that I was given to live during that time was not easy. Everything we heard was disheartening.

May 16, 1935, Hitler announced to the Reichstag and to the world that Germany was initiating the universal military system and that the German army would expand to half a million men. This went completely against the Versailles Peace Treaty.

Hitler promised to wipe out unemployment, to free Germany from the consequences of the losses from World War I, to bring back liberty of movement towards progress and avoid the shame brought on by the signing of the Versailles Peace Treaty, which had punished a fallen nation. It was surprising to see how easily the people of Nazi Germany fell into what the regimen had ordered them to do. All this, while the country grew in military strength, keeping in mind the devaluation of the monetary system and the economic crash that took place in the 1920s.

Chapter 3

With respect to religion, Hitler was a Catholic, but not a practicing Catholic. He made an agreement with the Vatican, which only lasted five days, guaranteeing freedom to the Catholics and rights to the Church. It started with the dissolution of the Catholic Youth League, which I belonged to, and I was forced to join the Hitler Youth.

This created a problem for Fritz and me since we were counting on the support of the League and now we would be more isolated and disconnected with these unfamiliar circumstances. On the other hand, with this trip we would acquire experience, knowledge and maturity. It had taken weeks to prepare our itinerary and our gear. The day of our departure finally arrived.

Before you get all your gear and leave, Uncle Willie started, I will be perfectly honest with you without lecturing or beating around the bush. He continued: We want you to have a good time! Use your common sense and come back with a lot of interesting anecdotes. Have a great trip, boys!

I could feel a knot in my throat the size of a walnut as we started to pedal our bikes off, away from the farm. My mother, my uncle Willie and Helga looked gloomy as they watched us, after we had said our good-byes amid hugging, patting on the back, advice and tears. They waved at us until we were completely out of sight. Our trip had been delayed longer than we had planned because we were waiting for the weather to clear up and the rain to stop. We were already in the month of May and didn’t need much in the way of warm clothes; the days were longer and warmer.

I was right in thinking that with this excursion, and the distance we put between ourselves and our families, began a meaningful new period of our lives. Sure enough, it was more than a great ordeal. By establishing this distance, I could feel my soul lifted. I was cutting the strong links that I had with my mother, Helga, Uncle Willie and my life on the ‘pachthof’.

During the first days of our excursion we covered a lot of ground with great enthusiasm and full of energy, following the itinerary we had planned on the map. We made an extra effort in pedaling and covering the greatest distance. We left behind our memories, opening the way to new emotions. To my surprise, I started to know Fritz better than ever, as he took on a different personality. His actions were now more mature. He was my protector; he was the leader of this adventure. As for myself, I felt comfortable, I did not resist following his lead. I adjusted to his decisions although they were sometimes impulsive. The strangest thing happened when I no longer saw him as a boy. He