A Full Cup of Joe: Sayings, Sights, Sounds, and Snippets of My Life (So Far)
()
About this ebook
Joe G. Dillard
Joe G. Dillard, formerly of Blue Mound, Missouri, now lives in Columbia, Missouri with his wife (Betty), their three children and five grandchildren (who are all above average). Joe worked 33 years for the Missouri Department of Conservation after getting B.A. and M. S. degrees from the University of Missouri.
Related to A Full Cup of Joe
Related ebooks
Race You to the Fountain of Youth: I'm Not Dead Yet (But parts of me are going fast) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFifty Shades Trilogy by E.L. James (Book Analysis): Detailed Summary, Analysis and Reading Guide Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsUncontrollable Thoughts Through Poetry Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsNatural Bliss: A Collection of Photo-Poems and Essays, Inspired by Nature Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTablets of Emotional Wisdom Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Random Act of Kindness Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGetting to Know You: Improving your Relationship Series, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCaring for the Prostate: A Manual for Men and Their Partners Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWhy Dogs Can't Eat Chocolate: How Medicines Work and How You Can Take Them Safely Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Wise Sayings of Dr. Jones Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAnything Goes When Among Poems, Plays and Essays: Emotional Outcomes Remain the Best of Life’s Games Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWhen Soul Speaks Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMother, Wife, Myself Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/57 Day Prayer Challenge Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Opium of Life Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA One-Sided Always and Forever Love: (How I over Came It) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMonthly Prayers of Gratitude and Hope: Writings of My Faith, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPoems of the Heart Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDepression: The Way I Think, the Way I Feel Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5Poems Of Encouragement Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Men of Different Types and Countries Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGreed Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHow to Have a Faithful Marriage: Marital Infidelity Is Not an Option Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSex Rx: Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsEnvy Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPoems of the Heart Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsNarcissus Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPerfect Sex Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHow to Please Your Loved One in 100 Different Ways: The Magic of Romantic Love Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Could It Be?: Biblical Gems from the Garbage Dump Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Biography & Memoir For You
Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Diary of a Young Girl Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Good Girls Don't Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Jack Reacher Reading Order: The Complete Lee Child’s Reading List Of Jack Reacher Series Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Red Notice: A True Story of High Finance, Murder, and One Man's Fight for Justice Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Becoming Bulletproof: Protect Yourself, Read People, Influence Situations, and Live Fearlessly Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Stolen Life: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Hilarious World of Depression Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Meditations: Complete and Unabridged Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Ivy League Counterfeiter Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Leonardo da Vinci Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Just Mercy: a story of justice and redemption Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Why Fish Don't Exist: A Story of Loss, Love, and the Hidden Order of Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Wiseguy: The 25th Anniversary Edition Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Disloyal: A Memoir: The True Story of the Former Personal Attorney to President Donald J. Trump Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind: Creating Currents of Electricity and Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I'll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman's Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mommie Dearest Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass: An American Slave Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Indifferent Stars Above: The Harrowing Saga of the Donner Party Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Working Stiff: Two Years, 262 Bodies, and the Making of a Medical Examiner Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Wright Brothers Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Simple Faith of Mister Rogers: Spiritual Insights from the World's Most Beloved Neighbor Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Art of Eating Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5People, Places, Things: My Human Landmarks Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Afeni Shakur: Evolution Of A Revolutionary Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Reviews for A Full Cup of Joe
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
A Full Cup of Joe - Joe G. Dillard
Copyright © 2012 by Joe G. Dillard.
Cover art and illustrations by Doug Ross, Ross Art and Graphic Design
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:
iUniverse
1663 Liberty Drive
Bloomington, IN 47403
www.iuniverse.com
1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)
Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-2481-7 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-4759-2482-4 (ebk)
iUniverse rev. date: 05/22/2012
Contents
Introduction
Sayings
Dad-Type Sayings
Old-Timey Sayings
Other Sayings
Sights
My First Technicolor Dream
The Big Green Glob
The Great American Toilet Paper Caper
What a Horrible Sight!
Thor, the Mighty Wonder Dog
Kitten Caper Number One
Kitten Caper Number Two
Soiled Underwear
I’m Black All of the Time!
Black and White
Grab Him by the Ice Hole
Sounds
Splat! Splat! Splat!
Fa Whoosh! Fa Whoosh!
Scritch! Scritch! Scritch!
The Shot Heard around Blue Mound!
The Shot Heard around the Back Door!
What Did She Just Say?!
Snippets of Life
Does it Still Hurt, Son?
The Biggest Bouquet of Flowers
How High Was It?!
Didn’t See a Thing!
Digging Up Holes, Cooking Them, Weighing Them,
and Throwing Them Out the Window
Hold On
Human Popsicles
Sweet Beginnings
Rooster Caper
Workman’s Comp Claim
Whoops! Wrong Car!
The Great Underwear Flip
Flat Tire, Flat Spare
Water Quality Lessons from Blue Mound:
Ground Water Pollution
Water Quality Lessons from Blue Mound:
Surface Water Pollution
Funeral Story Number One:
Mistaken for the Preacher
Funeral Story Number Two:
A Really Dumb Thing to Say!
My Biggest Tip
My Most Memorable Cooking Disaster (So Far)
Used To, But Not Any More
Getting an Education at Princeton (Missouri)
Becoming a Real Guy
Our Wet Basement: A Lesson Learned
My Retirement Tree
Comments about This Book That They Surely
Would Have Made Had They Been Asked!
And all this time, I thought you were my little angel.
—Mother
"That’s my boy
!"—Father
Hey bro, one nut in the family is enough, and U R it for sure.
—Brother
If only he had a membership so we could revoke it.
—PETA
One Read Program? Only in his mind!
—Columbia Public Library in Columbia, Missouri
OMG. Where did he go wrong? I trained him better than this.
—High school English teacher
"If I had known all of this before we got married . . ."—My wife
Is it too late to be adopted?
—Our three kids
I’m the one who suggested he write this book—sorry!
—Jordan Dressler
We are thinking about moving away.
—Next-door neighbors
That dude is not related to us, and this book will not be in our stores!
—Mr. Dillard of Dillard’s department stores
Hey, Joe, funny stories; not bad for a Democrat!
—Joe Scarborough, host of MSNBC’S Morning Joe
Hey, Joe, I know that you were a bit miffed when I corrected you about using the words ‘used to’ in my memoir writing class, but I can’t believe you wrote a whole book just to get back at me!
(see page 88)—Ol’ Clark
Introduction
Life can be, and often is, funny. All you have to do is to watch for it, listen for it, or sometimes just experience it. As we trundle through our lives, many things happen that are amusing, insightful, refreshing, or in some cases laugh-out-loud funny. These events can happen at any time. Most often they are totally unexpected and unanticipated, and some may even be unknown until later. Below, I catalog (with modest embellishment) some of those that happened to me, categorized as sayings, sights, sounds, and snippets of my life thus far.
These are stories I would have told the boys at the local coffee shop, except I never got around to going there. But as you can imagine, the family has heard them over and over again.
After telling yet another story at a recent family event, our grandson, Jordan Dressler, said, You know, Grandpa, you should write a book.
So I asked him, And what should I call it?
He immediately replied, "A Cup of Joe." Well, that sealed the deal.
I had already been compiling some of my stories, but I had been calling it something else. Jordan spurred me into producing this little booklet.
So go to the kitchen and get yourself a real cup of joe, sit back, and enjoy A Full Cup of Joe!
Sayings
395.jpgDad-Type Sayings
Most of these sayings are ones I have heard or read through the years. Some are repeated from others, and some are made up; most are of unknown origin. My kids thought for years that I made up all of them, but I didn’t. I think that they just come with dad-type genes. I even have a coffee mug with most of the sayings on it.
What happened to your allowance?
"Shut