I Won't Do Wrong

Book 1

Actualities

Gone Missing

I had just come back from London and decided that I would still kill myself. I had three pounds twenty to my name. This included a brand new two pound coin that had been minted in celebration of the Commonwealth Games, which had been a total success in the summer of 2002. But I felt no need to benefit from its charm. So with only the clothes I was wearing and the one pound twenty I had left after placing the Commonwealth coin on my side board, I picked up my car keys and headed to the door.

My car was an old BMW 316 a car that I had become quite attached to whilst tinkering about under the bonnet, mending and servicing it. It was to be my chariot for my final journey, of which I knew little about except that it was a conclusion to a nightmarish existence of crazy cross wired thoughts. I had filled up before travelling to London and figured I had enough to get to the car park I was willing to jump from.

Being a person whose thoughts are concerned with people, animals and the transient world, it became clear to me that the skies were beckoning me away from where I had planned to conclude my journey. Reading the clouds was perhaps the only reason why I never made it to the car park.

Having been fully prepared to end myself and being totally in awe of the powers of nature and of the interaction of God in my everyday life, I decided to fulfil a destiny mission and to do this, I was to drive until the petrol ran dry.

I can not remember where I drove but that it was countryside and I was following whichever road that seemed to offer the most escape to the freedom of a promised land. A promised land that every man has the right to journey for.

It was still morning when I came upon the town of Warwick and I turned into St. Nicholas Park. Here I decided to pay for a parking ticket but planned to sit the day out in a most beautiful park. The sun was out and there were three or four park attendants who were busying themselves watering the many flower beds.

Dr. Dolittle had entered my veins and I felt that being guided by the animals would lead me to some success. Magpies have significance to relationships, hence the rhyme ‘one for sorrow etc’. This was confusing as the thought I had been aware of when seeing a single Magpie, had been full of the hope and love that came when thinking of a young lady I had fallen in love with. Perhaps they were right, as this relationship was not to flourish and blossom as I had hoped it would.

So here I was in the park with a Magpie eagerly suggesting that I should talk to one of the gardeners. I walked over and introduced myself as a magician. He turned out to be an art student, which at the time I was also. It was all quite well and I wondered for a moment if this young man was the key master. By knowing him could my life turn around, and with that thought a void entered my being. I wished him well and luck in his course and moved on to the river where I could set down and wait for nightfall.

The day seemed to have no end. I sat by the bank of the river and watched the boats glide by to and fro from a small jetty positioned on the other side of a road bridge. It was a perfect day and only my loneliness slowed it down.

There were Canada Geese, Ducks and Swans on the water but it was the Geese that took my attention. It was very strange, they looked at me and then at the water dipping their bills as if to encourage me to take to water. This went on for some time and I was beginning to wonder what they thought would be the benefit for me to be wadding into the water. The thought of walking on water occurred to me and perhaps they were filled with the sincerity that it was possible. They were acting on my thought and maybe in their position… . I don’t know. I did place my feet on the surface of the water and did experience a strong sensation of firmness, it was however clearly not possible for me to walk here, but I did admire the Geese for their will to help. Maybe to take from the land and to take from the water are two contrasting ways of living and the Geese seemed to be expressing the clear alternative could be to head to the waters (passing thought).

This I contemplated for quite some time. The importance of a dove flying over across the water and a pigeon with white wings set my mind on the crossing. I lay my feet over the side and felt the cool water fill my shoes.

There was a group of children of nine or ten years of age who were playing, they had started to wade into the water, probably because I was, and this was of course not without danger and as one came to me I suggested that they should not wade in the water. Their excitement was more than I could quell but I recommended they enjoyed the sun instead. As they seemed excited by the danger what I said fell on deaf ears. However they were safe, and I was much pleased when a man, with a strong deep voice projected from a passing boat, the words of safety that persuaded them to abandon any river crossing ideas.

My attention was then drawn toward a young couple. They were not far from me but I walked over and introduced myself. I was in telepathy with the young lady who thought she was in telepathy with the young man. God bless them I thought. I crossed my heart and wished them well.

By this time, the day had lasted forever. I weighed up the odds and decided to really run out of petrol. The fuel warning light had been on for some time and although the park was a nice place it was not my space. I was set on finding a better destiny. So I walked to my car, turned the ignition and headed for the exit. It was goodbye to Warwick for the time being.

The journey to my next resting place was and will remain a mysterious labyrinth of corners big roads and small. None the less I ended up near Birmingham.

Interestingly while I was driving I had a genuine belief that, whatever the speed, I could choose a gear that would allow me to run the car on the transient energies and therefore conserve fuel. It went well and I know for sure that I found a motorway. I drove at a steady seventy mph in third gear. My fuel would last longer if I followed this simple rule. Before long I had found somewhere to stop and this is where I decided to leave the car and continue on foot.

By the time I found a place to turn the engine off I was completely lost. I very nearly left the keys in the ignition but a survival instinct, that I still could not shake off, made me lock the car and take the keys. It would be a long time before I would see it again. So I set off on foot, to rediscover a world that I had long since been isolated from, to find a fresh start and a new beginning.

I climbed the road and headed down a small lane. It was getting dark by now and within a couple of uneventful miles I noticed mint growing in the hedge row on the last corner before two roads met. The narrow road I was on met a larger more driven route. As I walked round the corner, there appeared an entrance to a small overgrown nature reserve, as noted on a plaque near or on the gate. This is where I spent the night.

This resting place turned out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Changing from an ideal place to stay, to the most torturous of places. I remember thinking; ‘This is not as perfect as I thought’. But there was nowhere else and here I was. So I figured it was destiny that I should find such a piece of land where I could rest. I looked around and over behind a central tree, as near to the mint as was possible there was a shallow hollow, this I decided would be my sleeping place.

I noticed negative tree forms, (a fallen branch in the shape of the capital letter ‘E’) and this, with my delusion, knowledge and understanding of shapes, and the metaphoric associations that comprise my world of dual and ultra reality, was not a good sign. There was a crossing of branches that was laid back at forty five degrees, which to me, looked like the apparatus for torture. This was the first part of the conservation area, to the rear of it was the second part. There was only one entrance to this area and there was human faeces in the thinnest part of the joining path (some one must have been caught short). And on walking past this, there was a fly-tipped refrigerator. I decided the first area to be more habitable.

I was picking up on the spiritual side of coincidence and transience. This includes taking notice of shapes and differentiating similar associations. I was picking up bad signs from this ‘den’, but I had to rest. It was sleep that I feared most. You can not defend yourself whilst asleep. I tried to sleep, I would not fail, I knew that.

What was to happen next will remain with me as one of the worst sensations I allowed myself to endure. As I lay on the ground I vowed not to move until the break of day. This was emotionally one of the most costly and an utterly unnecessary experience, because the transient importance that I was vesting in was folly. However I lay down and got positioned to stay still till the morning. Behind my head, it became apparent, was a stone or piece of wood. I felt, after a short time that my head was open and my brain was spilling out. I found myself paralysed. This was a psychic entity but it was strong. As I lay there I began to notice my visual perception altering, I could see that surrounding me was a perfect white light. Brought down by the gods. However about half way through my resting in what I began to call ‘the devils den’, I became aware of a foreign body attached to my head. It was a slug (or at least I thought it was. I know now it to have been a leach (probably)). It was desperately trying to get into my head and it was doing this because my brain was spilled out. It seemed to be that it was part of nature and that was its purpose in life. There was no malice though as its non speak was saying ‘don’t let me in’. But that is exactly what I did. I gave myself this experience. Why? Because I wanted to be as transiently solid and to be as close to God and his will as possible.

So I was there my brain was out and there was a slug entering into my cranium. Anon I finally saw straighter and with a long awaited and abrupt motion I ripped the slug from my head, throwing it some distance away. It felt like half a slug and I wondered if the other half was rattling around in my head somewhere.

This experience might have seemed enough for me to leave the den, but it was still late and I managed to get some more rest, if that is what it was, for I did not sleep and barely closed my eyes. It was from this point that I began to hear voices very clearly, and, with holographic accuracy saw people in my peripheral vision. However I still had the apparition of pure white light surrounding me and this gave me a favourable appreciation from God and gave me incredible strength. It is because of this light that I did not acknowledge the holographic apparitions. What I noticed was that to look at a star, (and there were many out) diminished the light around me, and it was this light that was the only thing that kept me from total despair, so I refrained from looking at them, which was a shame because they were out and looking as good as they ever had done.

It was not yet light and on more than one occasion, during this time of rest, I had felt my life to be on a knife edge, in very physical terms, so I decided to leave.

There was a back entrance to the conservation area that I chose to follow. It led into fields and as it was dark and I needed some more rest, I set out to find somewhere peaceful to sleep. On the way there was a transient ally in the form of a cow peering at me with kindness, suggesting the bungalow would help. This was not ‘me’ I would not burden them and ignored this kindly offer. My idea was of route sixty six, a journey for work and survival. So I left that idea and exited the neglected conservation area, with its two chambers. It had left me disturbed and it was therefore disconcerting to find somewhere similar close by, but once bitten twice shy, so I walked on by. I was much happier in the hedge row of the adjoining field.

Although I did not sleep I was far more relaxed and the non speak of the rats kept me in touch with life. What they were saying I can not remember in detail, but they did ask ‘What are you doing?’ To which I telepathically answered ‘I’m resting’. They were keen to let me know that there was not a problem. This cheered me up and I began to read the clouds, which to me perfectly represented a wizards wand. To be given this gift from the gods boosted my ego and I thought I would plough through the fields in search of that which I was missing, stability, happiness and independence.

As the grass grew longer I became aware that to journey through the fields would be tiresome and almost impossible in the dark, as the hedgerows were impassable and the gates impossible to see. So with some reservation I headed back to the unwelcoming den. It had kept me awake, but the experience was sure to have given me strength. I passed through the den and as I traversed the gate I saw what was to my eyes a porcupine. This, a simple hallucination, was in fact a tuft of grass, however I have had a learned respect for hallucinations and was acquainted with LSD a few years previously.

I shall say that hallucinations can either offer an amused intrigue or a heightened sense of fear. I was matter of fact. I skirted the obstacle and headed the way I had come a few hours previously.

The next forty eight hours would be a real test of physical and mental endurance. Stamina was to play a huge role in my ability to continue. After retracing my steps from the den to the adjoining road only a half mile from my car, I turned right so once again I was headed away from my car and therefore closer to my destiny. I was determined that I should find a life of my own. I was headed toward Birmingham. It is always quite eerie, walking through the most populated places at the still of night. There was the risk of meeting unwelcome situations not to mention encounters with the police and although I was not intent on any crime, I’m sure the authorities would find it in them to sort out my destinies walk for me. In the kindest manner I’m sure, but I was too entranced by my transient senses to be categorised into any institutionalised system. This considered I decided not to go for the city centre, so I headed out of town. After only walking a short distance I came to a path that led me off the main road. I had no idea where I was or where I was headed and that was the part of the experience that kept me going. The path led on for a lot longer than I thought and I grew quite paranoid that it might be someone’s private drive way. I came across a large house and as I walked by a security light seemed to be activated. I was a fair distance away and looking down on it so it seemed unaccountable. ‘This is not what it looks like.’ I could almost see myself saying to the officer in charge. Gladly however the path led on and the imminent immediateness of the situation began to fade away.

The path led onto a main road, after quite some time, whether up onto or down onto I do not recollect. However I was in Aston in the early hours of the morning, walking through the nicer side of town.

Here I saw a sign for hostel accommodation and by this time I was ready to lie in sheets and drift quietly to sleep. I did not find the hostel. Instead I crossed the bridge that passed over the rail line and took up my walk again on the rail line path, which was laid and made good using white chalk stone. This led me to a road at the edge of habitation and I welcomed the freshness of the country air. This road offered one of the strangest experiences I’ve had. It was a road of cobwebs. As I walked cobwebs enveloped me into claustrophobic anxiety yard after yard, the only way to keep sane was to accept them and wipe my face systematically ever few yards. The road became dark and my feet were hurting from the walk. As I passed under a bridge I looked up and saw a farm barn.

Before, during and after this questful walk I did, and do, have transcendental links with an ultra reality, and the voice hearing aspect of such I call the spirit world. This I have explained later on in the book, but I can rest by saying that at this time I was looking at the barn and I was talking to a friend of mine who offered it up as a place to rest.

I climbed the gate and headed to the barn. I was immediately aware of animals already using it, whether they were horses or cows I will never know, but I did know that they didn’t mind me using it. I lay on some straw that had been laid down for the occupants