The Religion

Chapter One

1

Josef Zane was relaxed in his favorite recliner, about to crack open his favorite author’s newest novel when the chime of the doorbell sounded. Annoyed, he looked up at the clock. Ten in the morning.

Holy fucking hell, he thought. There had better be a damn good reason why my doorbell is ringing so early in the morning. And it had better not have woken up Valerie.

He waited a second before getting up, hoping that whoever rung his bell would go away. But that wasn’t likely. Just for the simple reason that he lived back in the hills with most of the town’s other rich people; a place where most salesmen made their commissions. Josef had brought up the idea to his neighbors that they should fence in their little slice of heaven on earth with a large wall and post a security guard at its entrance. They were all in agreement of chipping in for the expense, but they never got around to it.

The bell chimed again.

"God damn it!" Josef uttered, rising to his feet, looking at the clock again. Now it was five past ten. He strode across the marble floor in his socks, sliding to a stop at the front door. He considered himself pretty youthful at the ripe old age of forty-four, which, he thought, was a very good age. But it seemed every year he thought this. Most people, when they reach forty-four, have their careers going and are heading toward retirement. Some forty-four year olds, if they are destined to be rich, have just begun to be rich. They want to be super rich by fifty. Josef had made his first million at age twenty-five because of his incredible brilliance. He was listed as a scientist and an inventor, but he considered himself many things: astronomer, philosopher, counselor, historian, and amateur politician. Given his kind of wealth, he lived quite modestly. He had a big house—not an extravagant one—with only the bare essentials: indoor and outdoor swimming pool, tennis/basketball court, home gym, small theater, (because he loved movies) five-car garage (to hold his vintage cars and his everyday driver) and a two-thousand square foot basement where he conducted all of his experiments and did his job. Every once in a while he’d get up early to read a book or magazine, hoping he could do so uninterrupted.

But not today. His fucking doorbell was going apeshit.

He peered through the peephole, conscientious every time he did so because one day he might look through there and be staring down the barrel of some lunatic’s gun.

But today, there was no gun. Instead, there was a man and teenage boy, quite possibly his son. They both were in dark suits and bright ties. The boy was holding some type of magazine and the man was holding a black leather-bound Bible.

Cocksuckers, Josef exhaled, wondering if he should pull the door open or not. There were two types of people he despised: one was poor people looking for a handout; the other was Bible thumpers, each of them despicable in their own right. Sometimes he liked to have a little fun with these people. But only if the mood struck him right. And right now, his mood was shifting from very agitated to a sickening kind of humor. It also depended on how they looked. These two men struck him as a father figure who depended on the Lord for everything and a son who wished he was somewhere else.

Smiling, Josef pulled the door open. The first thing he noticed was how blue the sky was. Next, was how manicured and green the lawn was. Mother Nature sure knew how to bring out the color in things. It was a beautiful morning and his smile couldn’t help but grow.

Mr. Zane? said the man, leaning a bit, not sure how to address Josef. He seemed totally aware that Josef was a prominent figure in the community.

Josef’s eyes shifted from the beautiful scenes of nature to the man’s face. On his lapel was a white button with black lettering: AMBASSADOR FOR CHRIST. He looked over at the boy, who wore the same button. It took everything in his power to keep from laughing.

The man smiled back. Josef quickly noted that one of his front teeth was discolored, which was irritating as hell! The notion of punching it out of the man’s feeble head quickly settled over him. But he shook it off.

My name is Chad Howard, said the man. And this is my son, Chase.

Josef shook their hands, saying nothing. Judging from Chase’s bored expression, his future did not entail going door to door preaching the good news with his father any longer than he had to. Can’t wait til I’m eighteen that look said.

You always make a habit of disturbing people while they’re sleeping? Josef asked.

Chad’s face reddened. He stooped a little as if in some kind of awkward bow. We’re so sorry about that, Mr. Zane. It’s just that our church is very interested in you and I seemed like the only one dumb enough in our congregation to try and get your attention.

"You mean your church is very interested in my money."

Oh no! said Chad, shaking his head, holding up his hand apologetically. Mr. Zane! Of course not! I was merely referring to your atheistic beliefs. He paused, then said, Forgive me. But it’s a public fact that you are an atheist.

So you’re here to convert me? Josef tried to remain serious. This was going to be more fun that he anticipated.

No, said Chad. We’re merely here to give you some literature about us and invite you to our church this coming Sunday.

Josef peered up at the bright blue sky again, squinting against the sunshine. He exhaled loudly.

My son and I were also wondering if we could spend a few moments with you to discuss the man who changed the world … Jesus Christ.

Josef had an image float across his mind. He thought of Chad reciting that very phrase, but with a different name at the end. My son and I were also wondering if we could spend a few moments with you to discuss the man who changed the world … Josef Zane.

Josef nodded, stroking his chin as if trying to decide if he truly wanted to go on with this charade. Okay, he lamented. Why not? He offered them a seat on his porch furniture. It’s a beautiful morning. Why not sit out here and have a genuine discussion about the good Lord, eh?

Chad looked up into the brilliant blue sky. Yes, he said. "God has blessed us with a beautiful morning, hasn’t he?" He and Chase both sat down.

I believe this is Mother Nature’s doing, said Josef, taking a seat across from them.

Chad situated his literature beside him. Mr. Zane, I know you have given some lectures about Darwinism and other related subjects, but I always have trouble with people who seem to be so stubborn as to not believe in God and his promise.

Enlighten me, Chad. Please.

"If you should ever repent of your sins and accept Jesus as your personal savior, then you will come to know God’s promises. He has great things in store for you. If you would just open up and let him in, you’ll see how much he can amaze you. He’ll bring an opportunity across your path that would be greater than you can imagine. See, God rewards people that seek after him. I have a little saying: do your best and let God do the rest. You don’t need favor with everyone, just the right one!

In Hebrews thirteen-five, God says, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ That’s God’s promise. You see? All you have to do, Mr. Zane, is repent of your sins so that you can be saved and live an eternity in his holy presence.

Sins? said Josef, cracking another smile. "What if you don’t have any?"

Chad chuckled. "We all have sins, Mr. Zane. Even us, he said, pointing to himself and his son. But Jesus has forgiven them for us. That’s why he died on the cross. To wash away our sins whenever we ask him to. That’s what being saved is all about. He shivered, then held his hand up in the air. Thank you, Jesus."

Which sins? said Josef. You talking greed, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, pride and lust?

Chad nodded. Yeah, those’ll do.

But how can you call those sins?

They’re sins of the flesh and they all lead to damnation.

"We have flesh, don’t we? Josef asked. Last I checked, we were human. Are we not?"

Chad nodded, silent, while his son leaned back seemingly enjoying every minute of the discussion. There was the slightest hint of a smirk on his face.

How is it that these natural human feelings are sinful? Josef asked. "According to scripture, God made us, did he not? So evidently he gave us these feelings."

The Bible teaches that these sins must be repented and that only through Jesus can they be forgiven.

He was repeating himself.

"Ah! The Bible! Josef exclaimed. Chad, I’m so glad you brought that up! Tell me, real quick, who wrote the Bible?"

Moses, King David, and a few prophets wrote the Old Testament. The New Testament was written by several of the disciples, plus Paul and John. His smile was large. It was as if he was back in school and had just answered the toughest question of the year.

"Chad, I absolutely love people like you! Love them! You know why?"

Chad shook his head.

Because all of you type of people are fucking schmucks. Josef said this as calmly as he could. But Chad recoiled as if he had been bitten by a snake. "Yes, I know it’s a bit harsh, but it is what it is.

"Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature. The Bible was written by men. The first five books proclaim they’re the books of Moses, but they were actually written by some guy who lived hundreds of years after Moses, see? The same is true of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They were men who wrote about Jesus’s life decades after Jesus lived.

"The Old Testament, then called the Torah, thrived for a couple thousand years as a way to control the people. The Torah was their constitution, if you will. It was their government, their way to control people … as I’ve said. It is so easy to control illiterate, dumb, fearful people. And that’s just what they did back then. Moses just made up the Ten Commandments, most of which are unnecessary. Because the people he led out of Egypt were so easily manipulated, he could get them to believe anything! They were Egyptian slaves. If you get some guy who says he’ll lead you to a land where you won’t be a slave anymore, what do you think the people are going to do?

"Then this Jesus person comes along and has this grand scheme to get those same dumb ass people to follow him. And if a person believes the lie for so long, then he himself will begin to take it as truth. Just as Jesus did. He was so fucked up in his thinking and his pride that he actually allowed the Romans to capture him and string him up on that cross."

It’s all about faith, Mr. Zane, said Chad.

Nope, sorry, said Josef. Faith is for the ignorant. Religion is nothing more than a great hope for the poor. Since they’ve led such miserable lives here on this plane of existence, they hope the afterlife fulfills them with what they didn’t have here: riches, health and happiness. Forever and ever.

I was saved many years ago, said Chad. You just don’t understand until that Holy Spirit thrives inside your body.

Josef swung his finger at him. Somehow, I knew that would come up. He looked over at Chase. "Have you been saved, young man? Do you know of this great feeling your father is talking about? This Holy Spirit thing?"

Chase looked over at his dad, unsure of what to say.

Go on, son, said Chad. Tell him the truth.

Slowly, Chase nodded. Yes, last year I was saved.

You don’t sound convincing, Chase, said Josef. It’s almost as if you’re ashamed of it. Your friends make fun of you?

Chase shook his head. I kind of had to get new friends.

But they’re not as fun as your old friends, right?

Chase smirked, lowered his head, then shook it. No, but it’s all right.

No, it’s not, said Josef.

His new friends are better for him, said Chad. Better for his salvation.

"And who made that decision? Josef asked, looking at Chad. You?"

Chad didn’t answer.

"The point I’m trying to make here, guys, is that you are the ones to choose what type of lifestyle you want to lead. He looked at Chase. So what if your friends say fuck every once in a while? Will that really prevent you from going to Heaven? If so, then I think it’s time to reanalyze the criteria you Christians pose on getting into Heaven.

"Not to get off track here, Chase, but when you got saved, did you really feel the Holy Spirit engulf you? Or did you just think you did?"

Chase nodded. I did.

What did you feel?

Truthfully?

Josef nodded. That’s why we’re here—to tell the truth. He looked over at Chad, who was seething. He seemed seconds away from standing up and bolting from the porch.

I didn’t feel like I thought I should feel, said Chase. I didn’t want to jump around and scream and all that.

And do you know why that is?

Chase shook his head.

"Because when adults get saved, they think they have to shout at the top of their lungs and carry on like a bunch of lunatics. What that is is not the Holy Spirit. It’s merely a manifestation created in their own minds. See, the human brain is a tremendous instrument. Scientists have only scratched the surface on what it can do. It can actually create feelings based on what it perceives to be right. Something as powerful as God, in your mind, should totally submerge you in goose bumps and swallow you up in comfort and all that happy horseshit. Based on what you’ve seen before, your brain prepares you for this going in. So when your brain gets caught up, it actually creates these feelings. And in some extreme cases, it may even project images across your field of vision. That’s where all these ghosts and other crazy shit come into play. It’s just a trick of the human mind. But very powerful stuff!"

All I can say, said Chad, is that millions of people, past and present, can’t be wrong.

Let me ask you this, said Josef. What happens to animals when they die?

Chad shrugged. I don’t know.

You don’t really think they all go to heaven, do you? Even the ferocious animals that have killed humans? What about the dinosaurs?

I wouldn’t think so. We as humans have a special place.

Well, what about the other primates? Chimps and apes, for instance? Oh, wait! Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who doesn’t believe in evolution.

Chad shook his head. Absolutely I don’t believe in evolution!

"How in the world can you not? For real? Evolution is all around us! All mammals have hearts, lungs, stomachs … the same organs we have. Do you honestly believe God created Adam and Eve about six-thousand years ago out of dust from the ground? What such primitive thinking!

At the same time of Adam and Eve, there were people in Africa, China, Europe, South America … all over! Everywhere! Imagine the gall of someone to actually claim that a land roughly the size of New Jersey would be the center of the earth with the most important religion in all the lands! It’s just totally incredulous that people still think that way! Wow!

All of life’s mysteries will be answered when we die, said Chad.

When confronted with hard evidence against what you believe, that’s your answer to everything, isn’t it?

Chad shrugged. It works, doesn’t it? We’ll all be judged in the end. Then maybe we’ll see who was right and who was wrong. Why not live right just in case?

"If you were put into a situation where you could legitimately save someone from death, but you didn’t, for whatever reason, according to the Bible, you would burn in Hell. Yet God, in his infinite wisdom feels no need to use his power to save anyone from a single moment of suffering and in spite of all his inaction he is celebrated and revered. Please show me the moral logic in that. You can’t because there is none."

It’s just God’s Will, said Chad.

That’s just another question dodger.

But according to what Jesus says, you can repent of your sins and still go to Heaven.

"I have a huge problem with that, Chad. Suppose you got this person who lived his life as good as anyone possibly could, but they wasn’t a Christian. They die and burn in Hell just because they didn’t worship God or accept Jesus as their Savior? And on the other hand, suppose you have a serial killer, who killed a dozen people and raped little kids. He’s on the lethal injection table, repents of all his sins, asks Jesus into his heart and is saved. He goes to Heaven and the other doesn’t? He waved his hand at Chad. Get the fuck out of here! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!"

Christianity doesn’t hide, said Chad. It’s worldwide. Whether you chose to accept it or not, that’s entirely up to the person.

"But God didn’t make us, Chad. We made him. Think about that for a second. There are more hate groups around the world because of religion than any other reason; more death because of religion than any other reason. How can any of this be considered good?"

How do you explain the creation of the world? Chad asked. Let me guess: the big bang?

Chad, as you probably know, I’m a scientific kind of guy. I’m into gases and gravity and elements, you know, shit like that. But I’ll have you know, I’m not completely sold on the Big Bang Theory. That’s as simple as the creation story. But it’s way too easy for someone to say that a particular ‘God’ created the heavens and the earth just because he wanted to. It’s like a kid playing with a bunch of action figures in a sand box. It’s just too played out.

Then what about the Rapture? Chad asked, his forehead starting to bead with sweat.

The Rapture, said Josef, expelling it in one long breath. "If the disappearance of a lot of humans took place I would have to blame that on space aliens. And yes, I believe in aliens because this universe is entirely too big not to have any. Quick review: our sun is a thousand earths big. We are ninety-three million miles away from it. Almost all of the stars you see in the night sky are suns much like our own. And each one has their little solar system of planets orbiting around it. We can not see three-quarters of the stars in this galaxy, some smaller, some bigger than ours. Our galaxy is measured at one-hundred thousand light years across. And mind you, a light year is the distance light travels in one year, which at one-hundred and eighty-six thousand miles per second, is six-trillion miles a year. So our mediocre galaxy in this universe is six-hundred trillion miles long. And there are about three to four billion galaxies that have been seen in this universe. Evidence suggests that there might be several universes out there. Is any of this sinking in?"

Chad nodded. But it doesn’t change my beliefs in any way, shape, or form.

"I don’t care what kind of God you are, said Josef. You’re not going to create something that big and something as small as us as the only living things in the entire universe. And another thing I want to comment on is the existence of this earth, which was created four billion years ago. Humans didn’t start to arrive until, according to what you believe, six-thousand to fifty-thousand years ago. That’s like yesterday according to the lifespan of the earth. You really think God waited that long to create humans after creating the earth? Give me a fucking break!

And while my mind is encircling the concept of the rapture, the time when all these people are supposed to be supernaturally teleported into the sky, let me tell you something about that. According to preachers all across the world, in order to be raptured, you have to live your life to a perfect T the way God and Jesus want you to.

Chad nodded.

That would mean about twelve people on this entire earth would be raptured.

Chase laughed out loud. His father shot him a hard stare and Chase promptly shut his mouth.

What about the end times prophesied by the Bible? Chad asked.

"Haven’t you been listening? The Bible was written by people with very vivid imaginations. Every generation that’s come and gone since this massive conversion to Christianity have believed that their generation was the last. They believed they would be taken in the Rapture or some silly thing and the rise of the Anti-Christ would come to pass. This by far is not the last generation of humans. In the future a lot of us will be killed by our own doing, then we will become extinct—just like every other species this planet has ever known. Hey, personally, I say the human race had a good run."

Like I said before, Mr. Zane. It all comes down to faith. That’s all any of us have.

Faith in preposterous ideas are for the weak-minded.

Chad grabbed his Bible, then stood up. I’m truly sorry, Mr. Zane. It is evident that we have different views on religion and on the world itself. But it seems like the only thing I can do at this point is invite you to our church and hopefully God will instill something in your heart to make you a true believer in his promises.

I appreciate the thought, Mr. Howard, said Josef. "But if I do get a wild hair up my ass as to actually step foot inside a church of God, I will definitely be at yours first."

Have a good day, Mr. Zane.

You too, Chad. He shook his hand, then Chase’s. Chase, make sure you get yourself to King’s Island this coming spring. Me and my friend have two new roller coasters coming out. You don’t want to miss out. Trust me.

Chase’s eyes lit up.

Come on, Chase, said Chad. We’ll be too busy doing God’s work to be wasting time at an amusement park this spring.

Josef shook his head as he watched them walk down the driveway, then disappear around the bend of the road.

What a damn shame, he said, walking back into the house.

2

Who was that? Valerie asked, cascading down the stairway. She was clad in nothing but a see-through white top and black and pink boy-short panties. Are they gone?

Yep. They’re gone. Nothing to worry about. I was in one of my moods to give them a piece of my spiritual mind.

Oh, shit, she said. They weren’t Jehovah Witnesses, were they? Her long brown hair hung down the sides of her face. There was a genuine look of concern frozen in place.

"I really didn’t know what they were, said Josef. And I particularly don’t care either. They’re all the same if you ask me. They shouldn’t have been on my porch to begin with."

Valerie shook her head. Oh, dear. They might never be the same after listening to one of your infamous rants about religion. You’ve ruined them. I’m actually kind of surprised the conversation didn’t last longer. Or shorter, depending on that man’s mood.

Josef laughed. It could’ve. The father, a Mr. Chad Howard, wasn’t very defensive of his religion. Go figure! I don’t think I ruined him, though. Just made him think a little. Now the young man, his son, Chase. He might come around. He’s one of those kids who had religion shoved down his throat.

Eeeewwww, said Valerie. Poor kid. I’ve always said having overtly religious parents is a true form of child abuse.

Tell me about it.

"But that’s why you were talking to them, said Valerie. You knew the boy was impressionable. And you had to plant that seed of doubt."

You know me! he said. I have to stir up that controversy!

That’s what you’re good at.

Why do all those Bible-thumpers think God is real? Josef asked. I just don’t get it! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there’s absolutely no proof whatsoever of his existence! It baffles me!

Valerie went over to the couch and sat down, putting her feet up. I don’t know either. I guess they’re just simple-minded people, looking for an answer.

Josef shrugged. Let’s just chalk it up to ignorance!

So how about you getting your sexy ass over here and giving me a kiss?

Valerie shook her head. If you want one, you’re gonna have to come to me for one.

Josef knelt down and pressed his lips against hers. Even after five years together, Angelina Jolie’s lips still had nothing on Valerie’s. Wow. And speaking of her assets, she was close to a perfectly shaped woman. Especially one who was nearing forty years old. Even though Josef was forty-four, and even though he could have any twenty-year-old he wanted, he still clung to Valerie. Because he loved her. She was his everything. And for lack of a better cliché, she completed him.

Valerie had never bared children, and she had never been married. Currently, she was thirty-seven. She met Josef at a feed the children benefit five Christmases prior and the rest was history. They went out on a few dates. Josef played a little game with her at first, pretending he was a poor man because he wanted her to like him for who he was, not what he had or what material things he could give her. He went the whole nine yards, driving a ratty car and living in a ratty (but clean) house. He quit eating at restaurants. He quit buying new clothes. It wasn’t until their six-month anniversary that he asked her to move in with him. After she accepted and after she moved in, he finally revealed who he actually was.

Needles to say, she went ecstatic with joy. She was upset about the trick he played on her, but she got over it quickly enough. Josef had her stuff moved into the nice house and they’ve been happy ever since.

The only wrinkle in the perfect relationship was her bringing up the subject of marriage. Josef was dead set against the tradition—not the idea of totally devoting himself to Valerie—just the religious and legal aspect of it.

"I still think you’ve had your lips done," Josef argued teasingly, kissing her again.

Valerie shook her head. These are what I was born with. She gripped her boobs. "But these … can’t say they’re all mine."

Josef covered her boobs with his hands. That’s okay. No such thing as fake boobs, baby. If I can feel’em, then they’re real!

She slapped him on the shoulder.

He slipped his arms around her and fell into the couch with her. She yelped, giggling like a schoolgirl. He made her feel so young and vibrant … so daggone happy!

What’s on the agenda for today? she asked.

Josef shrugged. "Work and then more work."

"That’s what you do every day," she said.

"Not every day. Just most days. But I guess sometimes it seems like it."

Sometimes you don’t know if you’re coming or going.

Oh, you think you know me so well!

After five years, you would think.

We’ve been together that long? Josef asked.

Seems like yesterday, doesn’t it?

Exactly what I was going to say! he said with a touch of sarcasm.

Smart ass, Valerie shot back. She sighed. "Do you think we’re ever going to get married?"

Here we go. Josef cringed, feeling his insides crawl. He looked down at her. Baby, you know how I feel about that. Why do you keep bringing it up?

Valerie shrugged. Because I keep hoping that one day you’ll change your mind. You know I’m not getting any younger here. I’m closing in on forty, don’t you know?

And you don’t look a day over twenty-nine.

"I know what I look like, said Valerie. I’m just saying. A girl has to have some sense of security, you know? I already told you I’d sign a pre-nup."

I know, said Josef, wishing this discussion would end. It’s just that I’ve been so damn busy lately. You know how hard I work.

I do, baby. She leaned down and kissed him. But I told you … I’ll take care of everything. You won’t be bothered with one detail of the wedding. All you have to do is show up.

I’ll tell you what, he said. When I get finished with this latest project of mine, I’ll give you the surprise of the century!

Valerie tilted her head, her eyes mimicking the phrase, what the fuck?

What?

You’ve invented so many things, she said. "From remote control push mowers, to special toilet seats, to water-powered cars, to jet packs. And you’re the editor of a popular magazine. You got a crazy amusement park ride coming out this spring. You’re partners with Shawn on a big department store deal. What else is there? Seriously?"

I have one more very important invention to create. And then I’ll take a huge break. I might even retire. Me and you are going to travel the world. Paris, Venice, Rome, anywhere you want, we’ll go.

Valerie’s eyes lit up. We will? You promise?

I always keep my promises. He was even tossing the idea of engagement around in his head. That would be a good thing to do while they were overseas. What harm would it do? Couples stayed engaged for years.

She hugged him so tight, he could hardly breathe. So how long is this latest project going to take?

It shouldn’t be long at all, he said. People invent time machines all the time.

Valerie showered his face with kisses. Good Lord, she said. "Do you realize how happy you make me sometimes?"

I am who I am, he said.

I think you missed your calling as a politician, said Valerie.

I don’t think a person like me can get elected.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Just my views on everything. Me not really being a people person. And I don’t think I could get along with the other politicians. Crooked bastards. They make me sick.

"I think you’d make a wonderful President."

Whoa! President? You’re shooting me all the way to the top, eh? He laughed.

Why not? Nothing’s too good for my baby!

Sssshhhh! We don’t need people hearing you call me that.

Oh, no one can hear us! She looked around, a mischievous look creeping into her face. Or see us, for that matter. She snuggled next to him, her hands fumbling with his pants zipper. She rubbed his crotch for a full minute. He liked watching the playful expressions on her face. She took him out of his pants. Her eyes lit up when she saw how strong and full his erection was.

Josef closed his eyes, his hand caressing the curve of her ass.

Ten seconds later, the back door in the kitchen suddenly came open. Hey! Anyone home? Not interrupting anything, am I?

Fuck me running! said Josef, hurriedly tucking his shit back into his pants, putting a pillow on his lap.

Valerie stood up and pranced up the stairs, giggling. You know where to find me! she called down to him.

3

Shawn Dalton, Josef’s lifelong friend and business partner, came into the room from the kitchen. Was I interrupting anything? he asked. The look on his face portrayed that he knew he was. Shawn was barely over six feet tall with light brown, short cropped hair. Like Josef, he was forty-four, with an average build. He and Josef were constantly arguing over who had the highest IQ. He smiled and pointed at the pillow. What’s with the pillow?

You’re a motherfucker! said Josef. Do you know that?

That’s what they say!

I think what I need is an entrance to my lab from the outside. That way, you can’t barge in any time you want. Ever think about calling first? Or how about knocking and waiting until I answer the door?

I texted you, but you must not have gotten it.

Must have been busy. So what’s up?

I wanted to swing by and make sure all of our ducks were in a row about the meeting with the Japs tomorrow.

Yeah, I believe so, said Josef. Ray has all the charts and shit. He’s making the presentation. All we have to do is sit there.

And contribute a little money, said Shawn.

Like that is going to break you, said Josef.

Shawn looked up, smiling. Yeah, I know. Imagine! Running Wal-Mart out of business with Z-Mart.

Z-Mart was going to be a huge retail store that had all your shopping needs under one roof: department store, grocery store, automotive store, home improvement store, video store, hair salon, bank, arcade, and various fast food restaurants. They were even going to provide each shopper with a motorized cart. It was a no-fail idea.

We should have done this years ago.

We were just too busy with our other shit, said Shawn. "Man, the Japs are going to jump all over this! And just think! Our roller coasters will be opening this spring at Kings Island!"

Life is good, my friend! said Josef. Would you please tell me, right now, how it could get any better?

Well, just settle your mind on the day our masterpiece inventions are finished!

Josef exhaled tiredly. Don’t I know it! Whew!

Who would have thought, said Shawn, that I would be close to transporting humans and you would be close to inventing a motherfucking time machine?

It’s absurd! Josef lamented.

And no one knows about it, right? said Shawn.

Yes, I’ve kept it a secret. You know as well as I do that people ask me all the time what my next ‘big’ invention is going to be. But I tell them they’ll just have to wait.

That’s what I do, too, said Shawn. Sometimes it gets irritating though.

How close are you on yours? Josef asked.

Shawn shook his head. Nothing major. I’m transporting bacteria and stupid shit like that. I might try something more solid in the next month or so. How about you? Can I call you Dr. Emmett Brown yet?

Josef laughed. Yeah, sure. A wave of goose bumps shook him. Things like this aren’t supposed to happen, are they? Especially for two guys who grew up in northern Kentucky.

Yeah, said Shawn. "But if you totally dedicate your life to something, no matter where you’re from, then you should be able to reap the rewards!"

No doubt! said Josef, playing with his pencil as his mind wandered to Valerie, who was upstairs waiting on him. So, how’s the love life? You still working on that one girl?

Shawn shrugged. Yeah, I try to talk to her, but I don’t think she’s into me much.

You know why, don’t you?

Shawn shook his head. No, but I have a crazy feeling you’re going to tell me.

Because she’s too hot for you.

"Too hot for me? What’s that supposed to mean?"

Josef smirked. He always liked to get into these kinds of debates with Shawn because he was such a good sport about it. Not many guys could take their manhood being dragged through the mud like he did Shawn’s. She’s the kind of girl who likes party boys slash pretty boys. I don’t think you quite fit that bill, my friend. Yes, you’re richer than hell, but you told me yourself that you don’t like to have your money do the talking for you. You want to meet a nice girl the exact way I did. So based on this!—he moved his hands in front of Shawn, indicating that his body was less than godly—I think she’s cool! He laughed. "And you rarely go into the sun like you’re some kind of fucking vampire. And to top it all off, you’re Shawn fucking Dalton, weird science guy who has a collection of horror movies that Robert Englund and Kane Hodder would be proud of! Yeah, that doesn’t impress many chicks, dude."

Hey, I can’t help it if all the hot chicks aren’t into the things I am. That’s what makes me special.

No, said Josef. That’s what makes you not score any hot tail.

Fuck you, man.

"No, fuck you."

Whatever.

So, any questions?

Yeah, how come the poor guy act worked so well for you?

"Well, throwing luck aside, there are nice girls out there who are just looking for love. No matter what your bank account looks like. But you also have to factor in the simple fact I actually know how to talk to girls. Whereas you do not."

Shit! I know how to talk to girls!

Mmm, hmmm! It amazed Josef to witness Shawn’s game. There was nothing quite like watching a white guy with an IQ of 160 try to act like a gangster in front of a beautiful woman. Hilarious!

All’s you got to do is roll up in da club like my homie, 50 Cent, lay the smack down on some hoes and blah-dow! Your dick bound to be around some pussy by midnight!

They both laughed.

You might need to lower your standards, said Josef. That’s all I’m saying.

Have you done lost your motherfucking mind? I can’t lower my standards. I know what I like!

"Then you obviously need to learn the art of talking to these higher standard women—not scaring the hell out of them or making them think you’re weird."

So teach me then, old Mr. Wise One! Teach me! For the love of God! He fell to his knees and held his hands out in a begging gesture.

Josef tried to hide his laughter. I don’t feel like it right now. His gaze went to the top of the stairs. Valerie. Valerie. Valerie.

All right, then, said Shawn. That’s cool. So let’s change the subject. We’ll come back to it in a bit. Let’s discuss your invention for a moment. I know we’ve talked about it in the past, but what do you plan to do once you get it in operating mode?

Josef stared at his friend for a long moment. You know what I would do.

Remind me.

I’d watch the Pyramids being built and maybe the Great Wall of China. He paused a moment. I wouldn’t mind visiting Rome in its Hey Day. Maybe I’ll even watch a few dinosaurs. From a distance, of course!

Shawn shook his head and wagged his finger. "Oh, no. I don’t fucking think so, dude! I know you better than that! You will have, in your hand, a device capable of enabling you to change the natural course of history. Do you really expect me to believe that all you would do with it is go back to watch a couple of fucking prehistoric animals walk around or watch a load of uneducated nimrods pull and hoist on a couple of blocks? Like I said … I don’t fucking think so!"

Josef smiled. Okay. You got me. But let’s be reasonable here.

"I am being reasonable! Why try to hide or kid yourself? I mean, for Christ’s sake! If it’s safe to say that. You’re on the verge of becoming a god!

Josef grinned. I wouldn’t go that far.

Shawn shook his head. "Why not? Who else would be above you? Don’t tell me you suddenly believe in a god. Just imagine all the people who would come to see it! Top celebrities; top government people. Even the goddamn President! Hell, in ten years’ time, you would be so popular, you could even be President yourself! And you know we’ve talked about that since the first grade. You’ve always wanted to be President."

Not anymore.

Don’t give me that bullshit.

Only time will tell, said Josef. "Besides, I have the life I want. Why mess it up with all the shit you’re talking about? I just want to see and experience things—not change them."

"I’m talking about power here. You’d be so goddamn powerful you could do anything you wanted. Anything! Imagine being powerful and President!"

Josef smiled at this. He always liked to hear about power. He admired power. Ever since he was little. And Shawn knew this.

"So now tell me where you would really go with a working time machine?"

No need. I’ve already told you.

Tell me again. I like hearing it.

I just can’t shoot off back to the time of antiquity. It’s a nice thought, but it would be far too dangerous.

How so?

"What if something happens to the time device? I’d be stuck there. And I don’t want to be stuck there. 1955 and 1885 for Michael J. Fox is livable, but year one in Israel is not. I wouldn’t be able to survive. I’d end up killing myself.

And not only that, said Josef, "if I did something drastic in the past and changed the natural course of history, I’d also be changing the future—our future. Our genealogy would be affected. Who knows if we’d even be born? It’s the butterfly effect, man."

You worry about a lot of shit, don’t you?

Josef nodded. I have to. It’s my job. Should be yours too.

Nevertheless, said Shawn. "We’ll prepare you. We’ll research the shit out of first century Israel. We’ll teach you Aramaic if we have to. Whatever it takes, right? Hasn’t that been our mantra since we were six?"

Yeah, said Josef, not wanting to put up much of a fight, especially over something that hasn’t even been invented yet. Absolutely.

Hells yeah, said Shawn, slinking his arm around Josef’s shoulders. "What do you say we go out tonight—only for a few hours. I think me and you need a break. Besides, I want to see if your women skills can get me laid!"

Josef laughed. On the eve of our big meeting?

What’s the difference? Like you said … Ray will handle everything. They just need our money, remember? You won’t be so drunk that you won’t even be able to write a few numbers on a check, will you?

Josef shook his head.

I’ll have you back by one. I promise.

Why don’t I believe you?

Chapter Two

1

That night, as Josef rested his head against the pillow, his thoughts took him back to the previous few hours. It turned out he was able to put his talking talents to work for Shawn. He was able to land him a fairly hot woman by the name of Tanya. She looked similar to Valerie but was just a bit younger with slightly smaller boobs and a little belly to her. Wasn’t anything he would chase, but she was perfect for Shawn.

Josef played up the idea of turning their group into a threesome had it not been for Valerie, who tagged along for the outing. (It was all part of the flirting. The name of the game was making the woman feel special). All he was really looking for was a blow job because her mouth just looked so inviting! He would’ve laid her on her back with her neck stretched over the side of the bed and shoved his dick so far down her throat, she’d either gag or puke. According to their short conversation, she would’ve let him do anything he wanted to her. Those were always the best ones. He hoped Shawn had fun with her.

Josef saw a flash of light from outside the bedroom window. Someone had pulled into the driveway. He hoped it wasn’t Chad and Chase coming back with an entourage of preachers. That made him laugh out loud. Valerie was downstairs somewhere. If it was them, then Valerie could deal with them. That also made him laugh out loud.

He heard the front door open and then voices. Whispering. Then quiet laughter. He frowned, hoping Shawn didn’t bring his drunk ass to his house. He hated when Shawn was drunk. Partly because Josef had always looked down on drunkenness and partly because it signified carelessness and loss of control. Getting shitfaced was for the weak. Josef had never done it himself. He had set a higher standard for himself.

After moments of restlessness, Josef decided to go see who was downstairs. But before he could get up, Valerie opened the bedroom door. The hallway light revealed a glimpse of her sexy red lingerie. I hope you’re not too tired to finish what we started earlier.

Josef sat up, putting his back against the headboard. He shook his head, wanting it more than ever now.

And I hope you don’t mind … she said, opening the door all the way. I brought a friend.

Standing next to her, wearing black lingerie, was Tanya.

Josef suddenly found it hard to swallow, wondering if it was his birthday. Ultimately, it didn’t matter. He could certainly pretend it was his birthday. During their five years together, Valerie had brought another woman home with her only twice before. Josef shook his head again, unable to speak.

I could see it in your eyes, said Valerie. So I thought I might surprise you. Are you surprised?

Josef nodded. It was totally like Valerie to choose someone less attractive than she was. He guessed that made her feel better about the threesome. Then he wondered if Tanya had just finished having sex with Shawn. If so, then he couldn’t do this. No way.

Tanya shook her head. You can relax, she said to Josef. I hooked Shawn up with one of my friends. I think they’ll both be happy. At least for the night. She smiled.

Thank you, he said, his mind now at ease. But his heart pounded wildly away in his chest.

Valerie led Tanya by the hand across the room to the bed. She eased herself down onto her back, pulling Tanya with her. Their lips pressed together into a soft kiss.

It had been so long since Josef experienced this kind of thing. Every time, though, it was nice. Refreshing. Every sex doctor in the country would advise putting some spice into a deadened sex life. This was healthy! He put his hand on the back of Tanya’s knee and slid it up to her ass, his fingers delving into her crevice, feeling the wholesome warmth of her pussy.

Tanya cupped Valerie’s boobs, kissing the swell of them, then slid her tongue over her nipple. Josef leaned over and grazed his lips over Tanya’s smooth ass. The sweet smell of strawberry lotion sent his senses into oblivion. He rubbed himself until he started to stiffen, then pulled his shorts off. He wondered how his life could be any better. There wasn’t a single thing he could come up with. It was in that moment he knew he should marry Valerie.

Valerie reached down and gripped Josef’s cock, her touch like that of a silk scarf. Tanya bent down, swirling her tongue around the head of his dick. My God, she whispered to Valerie. "You were right … his cock is huge." She throated him as far as she could manage, almost touching her lips to his base.

Valerie positioned herself so she could lick his balls while Tanya sucked him.

Josef shivered in ecstasy.

Tanya looked up at Josef with pleading eyes. Fuck my mouth, she said. She was begging for it. Josef gripped her head and pressed his cock firmly against the back of her throat for several seconds before pulling back. If he didn’t quit soon, he was going to explode.

Tanya moved beneath Valerie, lowering her hips to her mouth. Now Valerie was groaning. All three remained in that position for a while.

I want to watch you fuck Tanya’s pretty little pussy, said Valerie.

Tanya was on her back, fingering herself, ready for Josef’s throbbing member to enter her. It was now time for her to utter those two words every man loves to hear from a beautiful woman’s mouth: Fuck me.

With pleasure!

Valerie guided Josef’s dick into Tanya’s cunt. Every so often Valerie would pull him out, suck on it, then put it back in. Tanya lifted her head, watching Josef’s cock thrust into her.

After ten glorious minutes, Valerie announced it was her turn. Josef laid back and Valerie impaled herself on his throbbing erection. Her cry filled the room. Tanya put her boobs in Valerie’s face.

The way Valerie was able to flex her pussy around Josef’s dick, he felt himself nearing climax. I’m going to come, he grunted.

Not yet, she demanded, lowering her face to Josef’s. She kissed him hard, nearing her own orgasm. Finally, she climaxed, her orgasm muffled in Josef’s mouth as her breath filled his lungs.

I can’t hold it, he said.

Valerie jumped off him and both girls put their mouths on his cock while Valerie jerked him off. Josef let out a long lust-filled scream, spraying his cream over both girls’ faces. They swallowed, then licked each other clean.

Afterward, he was so spent he couldn’t keep his eyes open. His legs were shaking and his heart was still beating fast. He laid down and then felt Valerie curl up under his arm.

Goodnight, baby, she said. I love you.

He murmured something similar and fell into a deep sleep. He dreamed; he always dreamed. In this one, there were rattling chains creeping closer and closer just like in Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol. The chains grew louder as they scraped across the hardwood floor. There was a small moan, but it was full of pain. He looked over to Valerie’s side of the bed and found her missing. He thought maybe she was trying to play a trick on him, but doubted it because she rarely did those kinds of things for the simple reason she hated them done to her.

The door knob to the bedroom door squeaked as it slowly turned. And then the door inched open, creaking on its hinges. The light from the hallway was much lower than it should have been. But Josef was able to detect a tall figure standing in the doorway. He tried to locate the chains, but didn’t see any. The figure moved into the room and the sound of dragging chains came with it.

Josef saw the figure clad in a hooded cloak, much like his vivid depictions of the Grim Reaper. As his heart rate increased, a crazy realization occurred to him: Maybe one of the Devil’s Angels have finally come for me. He thought he was being targeted for being a celebrity atheist. Maybe Chad Howard had prayed for something like this! To guilt him into attending church services. Much like Scrooge was led through guilt into giving to the poor.

The hooded figure raised its head, two bright blue eyes shining lucidly at Josef. Please, Josef begged. I’m not ready to die. Please, don’t kill me. He really did not know what else to say. His begging was so cliché, even for a dream. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do. Was that worse? Or was his mind spinning in circles, repeating what one of the girls said to him during their threesome?

The hooded figure stretched a gnarled claw inside its black cloak and retrieved an object. He held it out, the small thing glowing with a faint white light. Finally, the figure tossed it onto Josef’s bed. It bounced three times and came to rest beside him, glowing brilliantly now—too brilliant to detect exactly what it was. From Josef’s prospective, it looked like a small burning hole in the black sky of the universe.

What is it? he heard himself ask.

The hooded figure leaned forward and uttered a low growl like that of a vicious dog, its blue eyes shining like burning chips of sapphire. Suddenly it spread its arms out, flapping the wings of its cloak like an evil Batman. It rushed from the room in one giant swoop, jumping through an open window just outside the bedroom door. The door itself slammed shut behind him, cracking the drywall around the frame.

Seconds later, the room fell into a deathly silence. Josef looked down at the glowing object beside him. He leaned forward, telling himself not to touch it as his heartbeat thudded against his ears. He uncovered his right hand from beneath the blanket, feeling the cold air settle around it, then stretched it forward toward the object.

What the hell am I doing? Don’t touch it! Why can’t I stop myself?

Because of a little thing called curiosity.

What about the thing called stupidity?

Josef could sense himself floating, which reminded him he was in a dream state, unable to control his actions. His hand hovered inches over the object, blocking out most of its light. But it wasn’t hot. His breathing turned shallow. Suddenly, he held his breath and dropped his hand onto the small disc, anticipating a great pain. But there was nothing of the sort. The object was amazingly cool, like cold metal. His fingers clasped over it. And just as he raised it from the surface of the bed, the bedroom door burst open, smashing against the wall. A gush of bitter cold air blew in from the window and with it came the hooded figure flying through the raging wind, its long leathery wings expanded like a giant bat. Its mouth was open unnaturally wide like the jaws of a lion. It screeched like a seething dinosaur.

Josef screamed, then pissed himself.

Chapter Three

1

Josef woke from his tantalizing sleep only to find himself laying in a wet bed.

Aw, what the fuck? he muttered, not knowing which way to move. He looked behind him and found Valerie sleeping soundly on the other side. Immediately, he accused her of pissing the bed. But as soon as he flipped the blanket back he saw the dark stains on the sheets around him. Jesus H., he said, standing up. Fucking Christ, he finished.

He jumped in the shower, wondering what in the hell could’ve prompted him to piss the bed. He couldn’t remember ever doing that, not even as a kid.

What was I dreaming about?

He couldn’t remember. Probably a good thing.

As he dried off he heard Valerie call from around the bathroom’s open door. Josef! Why the hell is the bed wet?

What was he supposed to say? Sorry! he called out. I spilled my water!

Valerie came into view, smelling her hand. "And what kind of water was it exactly? Piss water?"

Embarrassed, he shrugged. I’m sorry, honey. I don’t know what the hell happened. I’ve never pissed the bed before. I suppose I had to go really bad in my dream.

Valerie shook her head as she washed her hands. I’ll just tell the maid to get the mattress shampooed. She looked over at him. You’re not going to do it again, are you? Do we have to invest in some rubber sheets?

Very funny.

If you ask me, she said, I think you’re just worried about today’s meeting.

Josef shook his head. Not really. It’s not my baby. I’m just along for the ride.

Then maybe you’re worried Shawn will screw it up.

"Now that I can believe," he agreed. He picked up the phone and called Shawn.

What’s up, Josef? You ready to do this?

Just making sure you were up. I know how you do sometimes after a night like last night, which I’m sure you’re gonna tell me all about.

Yeeahh, you know it!

Are you nervous? Josef asked.

Nope. Are you?

"Did you piss your bed last night?" He sort of released a half-hearted chuckle.

Huh?

I pissed the fucking bed, Josef admitted. "Who the hell does that besides four-year-olds?"

Shawn couldn’t stop laughing.

Valerie called for Josef from the bottom of the stairs.

I still can’t believe it.

Shawn said something else and laughed, but Josef was unable to hear because Valerie was yelling his name again.

Hey, I’ll call you back. Valerie wants something.

She probably wants another mattress, said Shawn.

Very funny.

Okay. Remember: two o’clock!

Gotcha, said Josef. He hung up and bent over the railing. Valerie! What the hell do you want?

Could you come down here please?

Josef walked down the stairs and saw a man in black dress pants, a bright blue dress shirt and a red-striped tie. He was clean-shaven and every one of the dark hairs on his head was perfectly in place. He looked vaguely familiar.

Hello, Mr. Zane! the man said enthusiastically, taking two steps and extending his hand. My name is Ethan Maxwell. I’m the Democratic candidate running for State Representative this November.

Josef absently shook his hand and looked over at Valerie, who shrugged.

The maid let him in, she said. But now the maid was nowhere to be seen.

I’m sorry if I’ve intruded, folks, said Ethan. If I can’t have a minute of your time, then I’ll kindly ask you to please read over these handouts so you can make an informed decision at the polls this November.

Josef waved him off. No, that’s nonsense! Please, have a seat. Anything to drink?

Ethan kindly declined.

These kinds of politicians usually fascinated Josef. The kind who wasn’t running for big office, just big enough to seem down to earth and have some clout in the community. Josef himself had always wanted to run for office, but the reward wasn’t much of a reward. The hours were long and the pay was quite shitty, compared to what he was getting now. If Josef was going to run for something, it would be for Congress at least. Or maybe even Governor.

Valerie came back with a soda Ethan didn’t ask for.

So I reckon the million dollar question is, said Josef, why should we vote for you?

The politician’s smile brightened—if that was possible. "I believe you should cast your vote for me because I stand for what is right. I will work diligently to bring all issues from this district to the House for quick resolutions. I will work with all leaders of this district in a bipartisan way. I’m the guy who represents the common man, which is where my roots are.

I have watched every House and Senate meeting of the past two years and have reviewed every Bill and Resolution that has gone before both houses.

Wow, Ethan, said Josef. That’s some boring ass shit.

Ethan chuckled. "Yeah, tell me