Memories of the Light: A Story of Spiritual Existence Before Physical Birth

One

BEFORE THE BEGINNING

I was born with unusual memories of an existence in heaven as a spirit before my physical birth. I’m the first to admit that stories of near death experiences or visions and haunting can teeter slightly on both ends of the scale; some believe them to be spirituality and others consider them a symptom of a chemical imbalance depending on the person who has an opinion. Both medical science and religion claim to give a clear answer as to the individual circumstances, but for me I was going to have to figure that out for myself. I didn’t know what these types of memories where called when I was little, but have found them to be described as pre-mortality or pre-birth memories. Is it possible that someone with a spiritual gift could be mistakenly medicated by doctors claiming they have a diagnosable condition? For the family in America that I would later leave behind as an adult, this was the big question. Is she spiritual or delusional?

As a child I had memories of existing as a soul before my birth and this may sound somewhat unconventional to some. In reality, it was a beautiful gift but it was not going to be an easy thing to live with in the nineteen seventies in Bible Belt Tennessee. The answers I would find within my own life would one day bring me to a stronger faith and a very firm belief in my soul’s existence before my birth, but I wouldn’t get there without going through one hell of an emotional ride. It would take years to put all the pieces together and send me on a trip to the other side of the equator later in life.

It is now time to put all my experiences and memories on the table, no matter how strange they may seem, so anyone can have the opportunity to see and feel my life based on the truth as I have seen it. I’ve got a lot of answering to do for a lot of people who need some kind of closure for things I have done that others I love did not understand. The only hidden agenda will be my first public revelation of the answers I have found regarding the unconventional spiritual laws I live by. I have accumulated these lessons through years of writing down and assessing my memories and experiences; both pre-birth memories and life experiences. It is time to remove the weight from my shoulders and show the path I’ve taken in this life.

Since my childhood, it has sometimes been suggested that this life may not be the beginning of existence for us. For me, the possibility that we existed before we were ever conceived is not just a topic for consideration and their presence in my life has caused me on occasion to asses not only the validity of my own memories, but my own sanity as well and somehow the self doubt just makes the story even more interesting. I would eventually have to loose my way in order to find myself, and this would lead me eventually to discover that I’m not the only one with such memories.

As a very young child I simply had faith in my own ability to remember these unique moments of planning and discussion about a future physical life. I accepted them as memories of life in heaven and as the years would pass, I would think about them daily. Their unusual presence would alter my thoughts and decisions in interesting and complex ways which no one seemed to understand but me and the thought as a very young girl of someone disapproving of me because of them, used to scare me often. Mine was not a usual childhood.

Having to battle my own inner and outer demons as a teen would also never be a figurative assessment of my life. It would be better described as a literal manifestation within my growing years. Whether I brought these things into my life or was destined to endure their presence is anyone’s guess except mine. I don’t have to guess how they came to me anymore. I believe I’ve now figured that out, and I intend to present the process of how I found my way to my own answers one little experience at a time.

The truth for me as I have seen it is all I feel obligated to tell and have no expectation of being believed or doubted. However, there is an expectation for me that the truth will somehow set me free and allow me to feel free to be me. We are all individual and that is what makes this life so exciting. There also seems no better therapy for me than telling the story without interruption but, there will be a shift back and forth between the stories of my life as I grew older physically and my pre-birth memories as well as other spiritual experiences. They are so inner connected that one cannot be explained without the other.

The beginning as I know it was not at my birth, but well before. It was a recollection of serenity and love, which would later become a far cry from the reality of the self made hell in which I would gradually be found to reside in within my physical life. These memories might be all the more interesting once a foundation is established.

Within my pre-birth existence I recall being shown things that would happen to me as a child and later to me as an adult. I would think about these moments often in my future early childhood as they would give me peace in this physical life.

Growing up in the state of Tennessee, in a Southern Baptist church with both parents and one younger sister has rooted a set of morals and beliefs within me that could not have been higher in the early days of my life. I was a child of the 70’s and living in the heart of the Bible belt. The smell and sounds of southern cooking wafted through the living room three times a day and Mama offered southern hospitality and her culinary skills to anyone who managed to show up at the back door at the right time. My father was the main bread winner of the family working for the local Government and maintaining a second; income shoeing horses. Gun Smoke was the highlight of his day and he was guaranteed to be found sitting in front of the television if Matt Dillon was in town for a show down.

I did not believe in divorce and really did not even know it existed. Mothers should always be with their children and husband and there was no excuse for any lifestyle contrary to those beliefs in my own little mind. Anyone else would never have guessed anything other than a traditional family life would be mine to accept in those tender years of Sunday church services and yearly Christmas holiday celebrations. All external observations would reveal my life in a down home traditional and beautiful light, but I was hiding something; it was these memories. I’m not really sure of all my reasons back then for hiding them, but the memories were precious and clear to me. They made me feel like I came from somewhere and I was here for reasons purposes. Thinking about them made me feel as if my life was special and I would be returning there when life was over and the amount of clarity and detail within them was significant.

To begin with I was a spirit and my physical body was not yet born. I had physical features and a pure white robe draping straight down to my feet. The only limits I had where those I placed on myself based on my own level of spiritual understanding. I remember standing in a field of tall grass beside a shade tree in a spiritually beautiful location. Light emanated from everything around me and within me to illuminate the field perfectly in which I stood. The wind blew softly and I had a feeling as if I wanted to move on and do something useful. I recall feeling as if I had enjoyed this peace and tranquillity long enough and it was time for me to move on in some way that would help to bring about something God wanted or needed me to accomplish. I then put my hands together in a praying fashion within this peaceful setting of swaying, tall grass and began to pray. Dear God. Please use me for your purposes in any way you see fit. Amen. That is when things began to change for me. This is the moving moment long before I was ever to be born that began my spiritual plans to be born, and strangely enough this is my earliest memory.

I then recall being in a white room or building, with a guide. We were not just beings of light with no form. My guide also had physical features accentuated by a flowing white robe with a gold sash tied at the waist. Within this white area or room we approached a large, glowing, white book with pure white pages containing no words or images. This book, alive with its own presence, seemingly welcomed me, anticipating I would soon fill it with information.

Look into the pages, my guide instructed as we stood before the book. As I began to look at it, I also noticed it was resting on a furnishing that appeared to be similar to a church pulpit or book stand. It had a solid marble gloss texture with light grey swirls in it and a sparkling surface that shimmered.

As I looked into the blank pages of the large, white book I saw something like movies of the future life I would live as the person I am now. We watched the pages play out my life before me as the guide beside me gave tender instruction and prepared me with information I would need at those moments. We could skip through parts that I thought of as uneventful and come to something interesting or funny. In this way, I did not study deeply all the experiences of my life, only the parts that seemed to draw my attention. Sometimes I was entertained by my future life’s decisions.

It was understood that events within my future life could be changed if I made the decision to change them after birth, but effort would be required to do this. As a spirit standing before this life book, I could go backwards through the pages until coming to the parts I wanted to see again. This was quite enjoyable and we stayed there discussing the things the guide and I saw. Later, I would recognize pulpits built similar to this book stand but made of a heavy, decorative wood in churches I would be taken to by my grandmother to visit in physical life.

I was then taken to a platform or a ledge of tiles in heaven where the guide explained to me the ability to travel to earth without assistance if I wanted to. I was not comfortable with this and did not know how to use this ability, so the guide took me by the hand and we stepped off the ledge and began to descend toward the earth.

We approached from above, but did not completely come down to the earth. We set down gently on what appeared to be the front porch of a Roman style building that rested on thick clouds far above the ground. We walked in through the wide open double doors to see what was inside. There were others in this building. Some had wings and others were like me. My guide left for a while so I walked around the room looking at the walls and the floors, and stopped for a while to watch as the individuals there with me related to each other. Some would leave as if there were specific time frames they were to follow in leaving the building. Some were excited and happy when it was their turn to leave, and others around them would cheer them on as they exited by way of the front door.

Occasionally one of them would appear to look at this process as if it were just another day to them. They appeared to be familiar with the process of life, so no fuss was made about it. Then I noticed one girl who seemed very unsure about the process so I watched as the Angels rallied around her to explain that there was nothing to worry about. I also felt my own sense of relief when hearing the consolation being given to this girl by her guide. It will not take long, her angel pleaded persuasively for her agreement to proceed. You will be back very quickly. I was comforted by the angel’s words softly said to her advocating for the need for her presence in physical life and the importance of her purpose.

My own previously undisclosed concerns faded with hers as I watched her begin to move forward with the angels while still holding a look of both fear of the experience as well as a look of trust for the angel she held in her face as they made eye contact. Trust in the angel’s honesty; this would allow her to move on in spite of any concerns she might have. She then took her angels outstretched hand and they walked out the front door together.

I didn’t want to acknowledge my own concerns to the angels who were guiding me at this point. I trusted my guides and felt they had a better understanding of the process than me. I felt much like the expression I observed on the young girl also resembled my own feelings within. I was very unsure; however, I believed I would not be lead astray by those who were assisting me in my preparations. After observing her angel’s words, I now also understood that she and I would both be back quickly and comforted myself with this thought.

One of my guides then returned and told me it was my time to leave. We walked out the front door to the edge of the porch like overhang we had originally landed on when we first arrived at this building. I could see only the soft white cloud below the structure that supported the building. The angel with me took me by the hand and we descended through a thick mass of clouds where I began to see fields and buildings below as we descended to what would be the home of my grandparents on my father’s side. We sailed through the wall of the farm house into the back bedroom area and moved through the hallway to the kitchen where I saw what would soon be my mother for the first time.

She was unaware of us standing beside her as she spoke to someone else in the room with her. I wasn’t looking at who she was speaking to and I wasn’t interested in knowing who it was. Can she see me? I thought as I stood directly in front of her looking at her very closely with my guide behind me. Study her features, my guide gently instructed, and remember her voice as she speaks. I was directly in front of her path of vision and it looked as if she was looking straight at me as she spoke, although she was really speaking to someone else. She was already very far along in the pregnancy. Her shape could be seen through the loose hanging seventies style shirt she wore. My guide and I both knew I would reside inside her for a time, and I was grateful for her willingness to carry me. As she continued talking in the kitchen my mother moved her gaze off to a different angle and I again placed myself directly in her line of vision so I could feel once again as if she were talking directly to me. I then stepped forward toward her to look deeper into her soft expression when I suddenly felt a gentle but firm shove forward by the hand of the guide who brought me there. I then immediately felt a quick attraction from the womb as I was pulled into the foetus within. There were huge jerking and banging and shaking and thumping motions within the new body. It felt something like being inside an old tractor that shakes and vibrates while it’s running. The heartbeat and the movement of the blood through my veins was very discomforting and the racketing vibrations of my mother’s heart and breathing, among other things, overwhelmed me. I did not know what all the noise and jerking was from, but it was none the less unpleasant.

This is where my physical memories began and thus also how I recalled residing in my mothers womb. I remember knowing exactly where I was and why I was there and thinking I might not want to stay.

I then heard the voice of my Angel guide speak out softly to me in the darkness. Wait and you will get used to it. I trusted her soothing voice completely. I waited as the trusting voice of my guide had asked, and she was right. It did begin to become more tolerable as time passed. The voice I recall from so long ago, in my mother’s womb was familiar to me even as I incubated within her. It was that of the guide that brought me to her in the first place. That was the beginning of my memories of this life; a soft voice in the darkness of my mothers womb of the female angel I remembered escorting me from heaven, to my mother.

Birth is a blur, but I adjusted quickly and my memories of early communication are all in the English language. I understood their English, but I did not always understand what they were referring to such as the mention of a tool or certain buildings or descriptive words regarding other processes in the physical world. I understood the layout of the sentences and the tones or moods of the words as well. It was just a matter of seeing what item or subject they were referring to at any given moment within their discussions and I would have caught on quickly. Although I did not understand bad moods or why they existed, I found this life and my family was full of love for me and I for them. Life was good.

We all forget little things on a daily basis, but it seems that sometimes we experience a high point that stays within our conscious memory for life. Without writing these little things down from daily life, even those high points can tend to slowly fade from the forefront of our thoughts, but I understood the basics of what was going on in complete English fashion in my early days.

I also recall as an infant after birth becoming very interested in the mechanics of my new body. I practiced opening and closing my hands often. Sometimes I could get my physical fingers to obey me but mostly I could not. When I looked at my arms, it was as if I had two on each side to focus my eyes on. I could see my spiritual arm moving and feel my physical arm moving in a completely different direction. They didn’t know how to work together.

It seemed odd to me at the time to feel my spiritual fingers opening and closing and still not feel my infant fingers obey this request. Sometimes my body would be doing something my spirit had not even told it to do. Often I would try to touch a specific feature on my physical body and my aim would be off. My arms did not always go where I intended. I felt like two different living creatures within the same space.

I recall lying around in a cloth diaper in the living room floor of my grandparents’ house thinking about a choice I made as a spirit before conception to come to my mother’s womb and all the work I needed to do while I was alive. I recalled buildings and communicating with other spirits that helped me decide what I needed to do while living in a physical body. I then thought, How am I going to get everything done when I can’t even walk yet? Those words in my mind were a high point for me. They helped me remember this moment so far back in my childhood even after time had faded it into bits. That memory and the strangeness of such a question in my infant mind, at such a young age, always pulls the remembrance back easily for me. The fact that this question existed in an infants mind makes no sense the physical world without the understanding of the memories I held in my mind of heaven. Its existence has always kept me intrigued enough to hold the memory of it well and it makes no sense without recollection of the memories that made me ask the question to begin with. It was as if the very question, I could use as a trigger to refresh my memories of heaven as I grew and became more physical each day. I can only say these small parts of infancy which I have always kept. The rest has faded with time.

As a toddler I could replay memories of what might be called the book of my life back and forth within my memories of heaven. I could see myself standing before that large book stand with an Angel guiding me to see things that would occur in the physical life I was now living. This was something I would think about sometimes when I had nothing else to do as a toddler but sit quietly in the living room floor while waiting for time to eat. I enjoyed the silence as a child and was rarely ever upset.

As I grew I would need explanations of what items were connected to some of the words I was hearing from the loved ones and friends around me and often this would lead to something I would say which I thought made perfect sense, but the adults around me would find very humorous. I would say something and have no idea why adults thought I was funny, that is, until later as an adult when I understood how a child processes the lessons. It would then occur to me how I could be quite entertaining at times.

As this strange combination of a little girl and an old soul I could clearly see the memories again any time my young mind chose, seeing the trees and perfect buildings of that heavenly existence as if it were on a D.V.D. and each time, the picture was still very crisp and fresh. I would sometimes replay the memories of myself standing before the large book of my life backwards until I came to the spot within its pages which showed me my physical life from the point I was now moving through in my family life. I could then reassess the pre-birth discussions of the reasons for some experiences with the Angel guide who stood close by my side in this pre-existing memory. My childhood mind could recall this book in order to give myself a deeper acceptance of what was happening to me at any given time. I was living a quiet and peaceful childhood which seemed only to exist with love and purpose. There seemed to be no reason to behave in any way other than calm and happy.

Through my toddler and early adolescent years it felt very normal to me to occasionally think