Cross-Examined

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Preface

Introduction

Prologue

Chapter One – Guilty or Innocent

Chapter Two – Beginnings

Chapter Three – The Journey

Chapter Four – Our Recipe for Change

Chapter Five – The Cross Truly Sets Us Free

Chapter Six – Reflection

Chapter Seven – The Specialist

Chapter Eight – King Me

Chapter Nine – Location, Location, Location

Chapter Ten – People-Pleaser

Chapter Eleven – The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter Twelve – The Fly in the Ointment

Chapter Thirteen – The Attachment

Chapter Fourteen – I Listened, I Heard, I Couldn’t

Chapter Fifteen – The Imitation of Christ

Chapter Sixteen – Cain and Abel

Chapter Seventeen – My Six-Step Program

Chapter Eighteen – Resist and Ignore

Chapter Nineteen – Snap or Spew

Chapter Twenty – Flip This Marriage

Chapter Twenty-One – My Desert

Chapter Twenty-Two – Rumpelstiltskin

Chapter Twenty-Three – True or Faux

Chapter Twenty-Four – Me

Chapter Twenty-Five – The Key

Chapter Twenty-Six – The Beginning

Conclusion

Epilogue

About the Author

THE GIFT OF THE SPIRIT CRUCIFIX

As we look upon the image of our Lord Jesus Christ, we are invited to receive from His extended hand the gift of His Holy Spirit.

This awesome gift enlightens, empowers and enables us to examine our sinfulness and give back to His extended hand our offenses, knowing they are covered by His Holy Cross.

Dedication

I dedicate this book to my grandchildren, and grand they are – my daughter Kelly’s awesome son, Ryan Patrick; my son Tom’s three precious daughters, Caitlyn Jean Elizabeth, Sara Anne and Lauren Grace; my son David’s darlings Taylor Ann and Conor James; my stepson Rick’s adorable Freya May and Oscar Eric Joseph; and my stepdaughter Jolene’s newly arrived delightful twins, Delilah May and Roman Gabriel. They all take my heart to a place of love too marvelous for words.

I pray as they read and understand the path that their grandmother took, following her beloved Lord, that they, too, will choose the way to unconditional love and acceptance in Jesus Christ our Savior.

Acknowledgments

With a grateful heart, I wish to thank my husband, Richard, for his faithful support, wisdom and prayerful suggestions.

I thank my dearest friend and companion, Barbara Countryman, for her encouragement and love as she listens and hears my heart as I attempt to share this awesome journey.

My gratitude to my wonderful friend, Ann Walseman, for her questions and suggestions as she reads and edits my words.

In appreciation of author, editor and motivational (religious) speaker, Dr. Susan Blum Gerding, who edited and published my first book, Not My Way, and whose trusted discernment confirmed my call to write.

My thanks, also, to my family and friends who share my life, blessing me with their love.

Preface

CROSS EXAMINED by Andrea Blair, D.M.H.G., is inspired by the Word of God and how one woman responded to the plea of David. In the second verse of Psalm 26, David cries out to the Lord, Search me, O Lord, and try me: test my soul and my heart. (NAB). The Catholic Living Bible translation uses slightly different wording, Cross-examine me, O Lord and test my motives and affections, too. (CLB).

The author was personally challenged by this verse and asserts that it is the universal petition in the heart of everyone whose desire is to walk in God’s love and trust in His ways. Cross-Examined is the result, in which the author examines her own sinfulness, which she describes as the attitudes, beliefs and actions that have caused her to behave in a manner detrimental to her Christian walk.

Without being demanding or condemning, this autobiographical account of her faults and failures continually leads her to the Cross for healing and forgiveness. As she shares her journey, we see our own sinfulness emerge, and we are invited gently into our own private cross-examination of our thoughts, words and actions. For the individual reader, it becomes a loving and sensitive Examination of Conscience.

While it is not an easy read, neither is it didactic, boring or condemnatory. It is thought-producing as the author chronicles the events of her journey, sometimes in surprise, sometimes in humor, but always with respect for the reader and his or her relationship with Jesus Christ.

Andrea Blair becomes a modern-day John the Baptist, doing nothing less than calling people to repentance, forgiveness and salvation: Prepare the way of the Lord… Repent and be saved, she cries in gentler contemporary tones, always using her own faults and failures as teachable tools. Like the prophet Baruch, she teaches us how important it is to …make straight every valley and make low every lofty mountain. We all have crooked paths in our lives, and the author reminds us of our need to straighten out our own ways of thinking and acting. Those valleys, when we allow ourselves to get into behavior that is either self-destructive or at least non-productive, need to be filled in. Those valleys of isolation and empty hearts are longing to be filled with God’s love and forgiveness. And there are times when we allow high mountains of pride, anger or frustration to stand as obstacles in the way of peace.

Through many tales of her own crooked paths and high mountains, the author assists us to be more and more aware of our own, but does not leave us helpless or hopeless; she continually leads us to the Cross, a painful journey, which is the only answer as we seek reconciliation with our loving and merciful Savior, Jesus Christ. Due to her God-given gift of writing – clever, clear, fresh and crisp – we find ourselves pondering, rereading and devouring every powerful word and thought.

A voice cries out in the wilderness… could well be the subtitle of this gentle, reflective invitation to grace and growth, as we continue on our own endless journey to Heaven.

Susan Blum Gerding, Ed.D., President

Jeremiah Press, Inc.

Isaiah Ministries, Inc.

Introduction

Dismiss all the charges against me, Lord. For I have tried to keep your laws and have trusted you without wavering. Cross-examine me, O Lord. And see that this is so; test my motives and affections, too. For I have taken your loving-kindness and your truth as my ideals. Psalm 26:1-3

In my book, Cross Examined, I have talked about my sins. Sin is the word I have chosen to identify my attitudes, beliefs and actions that have caused me to behave in a manner which I believe is detrimental to my Christian walk.

Webster’s Dictionary defines sin as:

1. a. an offense against religious or moral law

b. an action that is or is felt to be highly reprehensible

2. a. a transgression of the law of God

b. a vitiated state of human nature in which the self is estranged from God.

To sin is to commit an offense or fault. For me to be aware, truly sorry, and desirous of forgiveness for my behavior, I choose the word sin. It puts emphasis on my negativity and causes me to show repentance and a true desire to attempt change in my life. Perhaps not all are comfortable with the word sin, understanding the human condition and its imperfections, but for me, the word makes me more accountable.

I believe I am forgiven.

I believe I have been washed clean by the precious blood of the Lamb, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe He died for the purpose of covering my sins, thus allowing me eternity with my God.

I believe I am loved unconditionally.

I also believe, for me as an individual with a personal relationship with Jesus, that He has led me to cross-examine myself. I felt a strong conviction in my heart and soul when I read Psalm 26:1-3, and have chosen this way to walk in my life with Him.

Each relationship is unique and individual.

What will remain the same for all of us is the forgiving, merciful, eternal and unconditional love our heavenly Father, God, has for each of us.

Allow His way to become yours. It is the answer to the quest we find within our hearts and souls.

May God Bless You.

Andrea L. Blair, D.M.H.G.

Initials after a proper name indicate identification. I choose my most valued – D.M.H.G. – Daughter of the Most High God.

Prologue

This is not a story. It does have a beginning, but I cannot tell you exactly when I realized it was happening. It does not have an end – it is ongoing. It is about my journey. It may not be of interest to anyone. The only reason I am writing this is because I believe I was inspired with a book title. I figured if I was given a title, l was supposed to do something with it.

I am a Christian. I met Jesus and He changed my life. I wrote my first book, Not My Way, because the circumstances to do so were compelling. I’m grateful that I did. I am told that it has been a blessing to those who have read it. It was a blessing to me to write it. I found it healing and extraordinary that I could even do such a thing. It is about my personal tragedy and how the Lord revealed Himself to me to enable me to survive and prosper.

Now this. I have many faults and failures, but the one redeeming aspect of my personality – the reason I am attempting to put this on paper – is obedience. Obedience is a requirement to those of us who have agreed to allow Jesus to become Lord and Master.

My faith is simple, childlike. Sometimes I question why I don’t question this, but this is my walk with Him and accepting who and how I am is part of that walk. Sometimes I wish that I had a more intellectual approach to my faith, but I don’t. If I believe that the Lord is speaking to me and revealing Himself for one reason or another, I pay attention and do my best to respond appropriately.

The title Cross Examined is powerful. To me, it is my experience of growth, change and love. It is death and resurrection – my own.

Chapter One – Guilty or Innocent

Dismiss all the charges against me, Lord. For I have tried to keep your laws and have trusted you without wavering. Cross-examine me, O Lord. And see that this is so; test my motives and affections, too. For I have taken your loving-kindness and your truth as my ideals. Psalm 26:1-3

Cross-examined is a familiar term to anyone who has ever watched a television program or read a mystery novel where a trial is portrayed. A court scene and drama unfold. The process begins, and the accused are examined and cross-examined by lawyers who argue their cases; evidence is presented, and guilt or innocence is deliberated. Fate rests in the verdict of the 12 carefully selected for the task.

If innocent: freedom. If guilty: an appropriate punishment is determined. Thus, justice is served. In our legal system, each and every one is declared innocent until proven guilty.

In God’s kingdom, the exact opposite is true. In Romans 3:23, we are told that all men have sinned and are deprived of the Glory of God. Each and every one of us has already been declared guilty by God. We are all sinners – no one is exempt. As Christians who believe in God, we acknowledge that we have all been born with a sinful nature and are all, without question or exception, guilty. There is no deliberation with God to change the verdict. The Supreme Judge has already declared we are all guilty.

But with God, the sentencing is different. As Judge, God is just and must punish sin. But as our merciful and loving Father, He does not want us to perish because of our offenses. God solved this problem in the person of Jesus Christ. God sent His Son, Jesus, to enter the world to overcome the separation between God and mankind that sin caused. Jesus took upon himself the consequences of our sin. (Romans 3:24). The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23 NAB). It is unbelievable that anyone would choose to cover our debt, but by accepting the free gift of Jesus’ sacrifice on the Cross, our sins are covered and eliminated; our debt paid. What is our reward? The freedom to spend eternity in heaven with God. We are assured that Jesus’ death and resurrection atoned for all our sins.

The Cross truly sets us free.

It does not, however, give us permission to act in an unloving and detrimental manner. We are to be aware and responsible for how we live our lives.

In this book, the cross-examining that I will attempt to share is my own. It is my personal recognition of behaviors, attitudes and beliefs that prevent me from experiencing the freedom that has already been atoned for. I do not have to continually suffer because of former actions. But I do have to recognize and change some erroneous, self-sabotaging beliefs to receive the joy and freedom that Jesus died to secure for me.

I want to know how I can be healthier.

When reading Scripture, this Psalm spoke to my heart. It said so clearly what I believe God is requiring of me, and I repeat it again:

Dismiss all the charges against me, Lord. For I have tried to keep your laws and have trusted you without wavering. Cross-examine me, O Lord. And see that this is so; test my motives and affections, too. For I have taken your loving-kindness and your truth as my ideals. Psalm 26:1-3

This Psalm is the inspiration for this book. It is the petition in the heart of everyone whose desire it is to