2000 Weddings but No Funerals!

© 2011 Les Stubbs & Benjamin J. West. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 11/7/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4670-0729-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4670-0730-6 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Experiences by photographer Les Stubbs and associates.

Contents

Think for a moment!

Foreword

Introduction

In the beginning!

Cameras used up to date.

Wedding Cars.

Bridesmaid

History of the wedding

Famous Quotations

The Wedding Cake

Customs and traditions around the world

Acknowledgements

For Ann, my lovely wife, I couldn’t have done this book without you,

my best friend, my soul mate, my rock through all the ups and downs

and for our wonderful son, Chris

For all enquiries email: 2000weddings@gmail.com

Think for a moment!

This book is dedicated to all those who are contemplating marriage.

(Is it wise?)

All those who are married. (Was it wise?)

And finally all those who are thinking of becoming unmarried (Wise)

But to all of you, Good Luck and Best Wishes.

(You will probably need it!)

Benjamin J. West

Other publications that may interest you!

‘The Eight of Spades: A Law unto Themselves’ by Benjamin J. West,

the first part of a trilogy.

‘Weird and Wonderful Yarns’ by Mister Whitehead,

innocuous anecdotes to stimulate the mind.

Foreword

What can and what can’t

What should and what shouldn’t

What does and what doesn’t

What will and what won’t

It all happens at these Weddings!!!

Benjamin J. West

The anecdotes portrayed in this publication are the outcome of many years of dedicated service to the photographic industry, in particular the wedding sector.

Some stories will tease the mind but they are all of a very true nature, some going back many years, some going back only a few.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty, the stories have not!

This book is a vivid recollection of some of the strange and often bizarre things that have happened over the years, some believable and some very hard to swallow but nonetheless true.

A few fascinating facts have been thrown in along the way to interest and amuse you.

‘Quotes by the famous’ ‘Bet you didn’t know’ and ‘Snapshots’ including ‘Funnybits’ and ‘Trivia’

Also information about matrimony that you probably didn’t know featuring various traditions and cultures from around the world!

Now sit back and enjoy the experience that has taken over forty years to achieve.

Introduction

Les Stubbs was born in Cottingham, nr Hull in the East Riding of Yorkshire in 1950.

He grew up in Anlaby and was schooled locally.

Studying Interior and Exhibition Design at Art College in the mid sixties he became very interested in photography, a great springboard for creating good and interesting pictures.

Early in 1971 he started working for Marshall Studios in Hull who were Commercial, Industrial, Wedding and Social specialists. This was where he quickly learnt all the basics, with a lot of help from Jim Marshall himself, and was quickly plunged in at the deep end photographing the first of over two thousand weddings to date. The very first at St. James Church, Sutton, nr, Hull in April of that same year.

He hastily learnt to overcome his initial shyness when confronted with over one hundred guests to organise into the then traditional style of Wedding groups.

Photographing a Wedding is more like eighty percent Public Relations and twenty percent photographer; in fact a good photographer should treat the technical side as automatic and not worry about it. Instead he should concentrate on arranging the stressed Grooms’ cravat and pinning his corsage, or flower if you come from Hull, on to his shaking collar hopefully without pinning it through his heart!

During his school days he was a very timid pupil always being one of the last one’s to answer teachers’ questions, blushing and stuttering as he did, a far cry from today’s loud, in charge, but with humour, advice and a lot of bulls**t wedding photographer.

The poignant motto is Keep them Happy and Amused and it will and does reflect in the photos. You need to understand that Wedding Guests arrive at the wedding with no brains, co-ordination or sense but they do expect to be entertained, at the reception though, they’re not the least bit interested in the Church, Civil Ceremony or the bl**dy photos.

The ladies arrive at the wedding in what they deem to be the biggest statement in dress and not to mention the photographer’s nightmare, the hat.

All hoping of course that they haven’t been to the same boutique and bought the same little number costing £500 in the sale that lasts twelve months of the year.

Over the forty years of attending weddings your sense of smell is totally wrecked by the ultra powerful, mine is more expensive than yours, perfume and aftershaves the guests submit their skin to.

You permanently walk with a forty degree lean to the left or the right depending on what side you put your four stone camera bag but it is not as bad as Videographer’s though, they have a sixty degree lean and end up two inches shorter due to the humungous cameras that they toted around in the 80’s and 90’s.

Today’s camera’s you can fit one in each pocket and still have plenty of room to spare!

In the beginning!

Back in 1971 on that first nervous wedding assignment two cameras were used as this couple had plumed for the top of the range service consisting of black and white and a few colour shots. Black and white was very much the fashion up until the mid seventies. The cameras used were Rolleiflex 2.8f, a top of the range twin reflex used by none other than Royal and photographer of the famous Cecil Beaton. The colour film went through a complete manual Pentax S1a using a hand held Weston meter.

Cameras used up to date.

Pentax S1a

Rolleiflex 2.8f 2¼ square twin lens reflex with on camera metering, a rarity for the time, using the long standing professional 120 film.

The Hasselblad was not a personal favourite as focusing was very awkward and Flash Synchronisation was dodgy making the possibility of mistakes exceedingly easy.

The Mamiya c330 was a fantastic camera of the time and very easy to operate. Marshall’s had three of these at the time to cope with the famous ‘Baby Boom’ wedding period.

5x4 sheet film cameras were the big commercial machines of the seventies and early eighties Marshall’s using a Sinar and a lovely Linnof that could be hand held and doubled as a dumbbell saving precious time in the gym (yes, it was that heavy).

Moving on to the eighties was a complete change for Les and for Jim Marshall to a larger negative size of 6x7 and the brilliant Mamiya RB. Les was also a big fan of 35mm using firstly the dazzling Olympus system then progressing into the wonderful Nikon range owning models as Nikon F, Nikon F2a, FM, FA and the fabulous F5. As they would say in Yorkshire, ‘they were so tough you could hammer nails in with em’ lad.’

The camera at weddings has always been a status symbol with the keen amateur, lovingly showing off his prize possession (he can’t use it but it looks good).

A wedding in the eighties illustrates this. A very keen amateur guest brought his 35mm SLR to show off only he really wanted to pose with his latest acquisition a 300mm telephoto lens, first making sure that everyone saw it and knew its technical specifications and price. He was spotted across the road from the Church fifty yards away getting some great shots of the Bride and Groom.

Then the wonderful progression into digital. The first being the Nikon D100. Used alongside the Nikon F5 and FA up to present Nikon D200 and the super Nikon D300.

Keen camera spotters will have noticed Nikon’s progression into Digital with the model names moving from F for film to D for digital.

The move into digital was an absolute revolution in photography and appreciated most by those who have served their time in Darkroom’s throughout the long winter and summer seasons feeling more like mushrooms than Artists in Light. It developed such good eyesight you could drive home with no headlights and Bomber Command was constantly on the telephone trying to recruit you.

(Medals and Awards to be presented at this point in the story)

The Fashion and Fad of the wedding is rapidly changing, as speedily as a sports car accelerating down a motorway.

Years ago back in the thirties and forties a Bride and Groom might have only afforded a couple of photographs of themselves, not even getting family groups taken.

They would go along to a photographer’s studio and queue with other couples and have their pictures done with a studio set as a background.

Black and white was king in the early days as colour was far too expensive and not even considered as good, much like the progression into digital, which will never catch on of course! It will never replace film! So they said. How wrong could they have been?

The seventies saw one of the biggest changes and that was the ‘Night Do’ Back in 1971 and before one hundred to one hundred and fifty guests was the norm.

The Wedding reception then was mostly held in the Church Hall or the local pub, generally with a simple buffet and a few drinks. It was more than affordable for all!

There came a time around the early to mid seventies when the reception started to grow in stature and the sit down meal was all the fashion held at the top venues and Posh hotels.

This of course led to much smaller numbers of guests at the reception because of the added costs.

So the ‘Night Do’ was born to include all the not so best friends and distant relatives you only ever see every five years at weddings and funerals, you always forget their names and how they are related to you anyway.

Then of course, the Party itself with the DJ managing to get the old fogies up to dance to ‘Aga Do’ and the ‘Birdy Song’ and Uncle Alf showing off his nifty moves to the Rolling Stones ‘Brown Sugar’

By that time of night the Bride and Groom had probably been on the go for twelve hours from that Noon Church Service, probably falling asleep over the last of the eight pints of Double Diamond or Watney’s Red Barrel and that was just the Bride (Yorkshire only) That was more than likely the demise of the Honeymoon Night.

But that tended to work very well to slow down the national birth rate after the ’Baby Boom’ from the lads coming home and doing what they probably haven’t done for a long time after World War 2.

The Wedding business was Booming (pardon the pun) in the seventies and couples had to book the best venues with a couple of years notice. Most of the cars on the road on a Saturday were wedding cars and mentioning Saturday, that was the day you got married, not on a Monday morning or a Thursday afternoon.

The popular Churches started the Saturday ceremonies at 10:00 a.m. or earlier and continued hourly until the last one at around 4:00 p.m. with the Vicar and Curate taking it in turns to marry the couples.

One very busy Church had in charge a very glum old Canon who took his time with the service even though it was almost time for the next ceremony. This wasn’t a problem though as the young Curate would then take over for the next wedding, his record time was eighteen minutes from start to finish. The Bride and Groom in and out so fast they didn’t know if they’d been married or indeed christened!

It worked very well though; the Canon could have a sandwich and a cup of tea in the Vestry whilst the Curate did his stuff. Then the Curate had his snack whilst the Canon took the next service. It always seemed unfair with only eighteen minutes the Canon only managed to get the top of his thermos undone before he was back in the pulpit.

The Curate of course managing his snack and even getting the weekend groceries and a quick look at Saturday Grandstand on the tele before his next turn. No wonder the Canon looked so glum, he never got anything to eat or drink.

Back in the seventies the couples and their guests would be whisked in the front door and expelled out of the back door via the vows, prayers, words of wisdom and ‘All things Bright and Beautiful’ and of course the warning of not to throw confetti in the Church grounds as it would mean the Verger having to sweep it up (garden vacuums not being invented then). Bells and choir being for snob value as they were extra to the marriage fee.

Not having bells was a relief for the poor photographer as he’s trying to organise the family group with Auntie Mable (aged 88 last month) with her Zimmer frame at the front next to the Bride (she does well for her age though doesn’t she).

Trying to make himself heard over the newly restored Doomsday Bells only ten yards away (paid for by the parishioners).

The louder the photographer shouts the more welly the ringers give the B****y Bells and just when you think they’ve finished they go for the big ten minute finale.

A tip for aspiring Wedding Photographers always have Fisherman’s Friend or Hacks as a vital accessory to the camera bag to ease the sore throat and all because Bill and Nora could afford the bells.

Wedding Cars.

The current trend with wedding cars is very much the Stretch Limo introduced by Elvis and Las Vegas in the nineties, this can be anything from stretched Lincolns to 4x4 hummers, they all have indicators that make a ‘Bling Bling-Bling Bling’ sound. They often come in a very tasteful shade of Shocking Pink. One or two of the smartly dressed Chauffeurs carry romantic ‘Our Lass’ tattoos to remind them of their wives sat at home, some can actually speak fluent text and often are heard to say ‘Init’.

There are a few who make the visit to Hull for the first time in their lives as bookings are made via 0800 numbers, they can frequently be seen on the side of the road asking for directions to the Church.

It is always a nice surprise when the Bride arrives to find not only the Bride and father, Bridesmaids, Mum, Auntie Betty, Gran plus Kylie, Tamara, Shania and Becky from work accompanied by the sounds of Dizzy Rascal at two thousand decibels.

The Bridal party announcing its arrival from a two mile radius, repeatedly hopping up and down the speed bumps uncaringly flipping the passengers from one end of the car to the other.

The driver can, and so frequently does, if he times it right hit two speed bumps at the same time, that makes the occupants all hit the roof simultaneously.

Photos taken inside the Limo need to follow a set pattern. Father needs to jump out to allow the Bride to swiftly move into the corner, this will give Mum, Gran and Auntie Betty the chance to slide along the left hand seat and fall head first, one at a time, onto the pavement as they each trip over the inside sill.

The final move is made by Tamara and Shania helped by Becky who has not had so much of the free champagne.

Shania mentioning to Tamara that maybe the size 10 dress was left wanting a little and that she could see the pavement between the dress and cleavage thus giving the photographer the Shot of the Day.

This clears the way for the photographer to crawl to the far end of the Limo, the father can then move into the seat next to the Bride for the requested photo.

With the photo taken the father again alights the car giving the photographer space to crawl back and out onto the pavement only to be met by the registrar looking at her watch because the photo had taken a whole ten minutes to perform.

On a positive note it was actually a lot quicker than the week before as one of the guests Brittany Mary Lou caught her six inch pink stiletto heel in the carpet and dived unceremoniously head first into the Bob, the Brides fathers lap. This brought a glimmer of a smile to Bob’s face which momentarily alleviated the pain of the £300 it had cost for the hours Limo hire and experience.

Back in the seventies the cars were also very large but incredibly grand at the same time. Van den Pla Princess, Humber, Mercedes and of course the timeless Rolls Royce but almost always in black. Black of course was the choice of the Funeral Director who not having anyone to get to the Church on a Saturday for a different reason made the most of the opportunity by hiring it out and undertaking (sorry) Weddings.

On one particular Friday wedding the very smart suited driver pleaded with the guests not to throw confetti inside the car as his next job was a funeral that very afternoon. He could be seen quickly removing the plastic roses from the back window and stuffing the white ribbons from around the bonnet into the glove box after hurriedly dropping the couple off at the reception.

The transformation from celebration to mourning complete as the drivers face changed from sardonic smile to placid sympathy in ten seconds flat, practise making perfection.

These cars of the time were incredibly classy though and exceptionally spacious, the perfect car for the Bride to be to arrive in.

The Rolls Royce was the desired car of the late seventies and eighties, always the Bride and Grooms’ car, this time though always in white, although very occasionally in rust and white.

One wedding in particular the car hire company couldn’t get a white one so they decided at last minute to get their old burgundy coloured Roller into the spray shop over Friday night, bearing in mind that this was a hot July. The fresh, gleaming white, Roller was brought out of the ‘Spray Jobs ‘r’ Us’ paint shop (or the big green shed round the back of The Fawcett Inn pub near the back gate of the local chippy).

The full, intense, sun taking only half an hour to create a wonderful crocodile skin texture to the whole car having a remarkable likeness to a White Incredible Hulk.

The red faced, embarrassed driver was left to inform the Bride not to lean against the car as it wasn’t fully dry yet.

The car virtually restored itself to its former original burgundy colour over the coming weeks as most of the white paint flaked off, scattering white paint particles anywhere from John O’ Groats to Lands End.

The abused car sadly met its end about one year later when it was taking a Bride and father to Church one Saturday morning. A fire broke out under the bonnet leaving a wake of black belching smoke for the following motorists to tolerate, the driver frantically trying to make it the last half mile to the Church.

The car had been aptly named a ‘Rolls Canardly’ it could roll down the hill but can hardly get up the other side.

There are still a number of lovely Classic cars available for hire, a fantastic range of extremely enthusiastically run Humber’s are very popular, with a team of drivers who can’t help enough.

One of the drivers even had to make an emergency detour to a Chemist one Saturday Morning to purchase a box of tampons for the Bride to be who unfortunately had picked the wrong week of the month to walk down the aisle.

The red faced driver returning to the car with the said goods, still managing to deliver the Bride and father to the Church on time.

Further details of the Morning were not available!!

The horse and carriage is still used now and then, they always look spectacular and can create some great photo opportunities. They tend to be used only for the shorter journeys with time and hot meals waiting being against any longer trips.

They are usually transported by truck near to the Venue or Brides home were Dad can be seen nipping out with a shovel to collect the residue from the horses exhaust, always a plus for Dad’s prize Roses.

The home visit by the photographer is frequently requested by the Bride before the final trip to the Church as a Miss. These can be a real eye-opener, Bridesmaids flying all over the house in various states of dress and undress and mostly in the undies that are a surprise for the boyfriend later on. The funny thing is they’re totally unaware of the photographer even being there, it is as though you’re just supposed to be….. Mustn’t grumble though eh!!

Quite often the Bride is the most organised in the house, Dad like most of us men calmly getting ready twenty minutes before the car is due to arrive and with ten minutes to spare, the Bridesmaids still running around the house in their scanties shouting look my hair, it never goes right.

Gran is sat in the corner of the settee watching little Granddaughter Chardonnay (they called her that because she wined a lot) pulling the cats tail and spraying it liberally with Victoria Beckham ‘Dream of David’ perfume.

Grans do have lovely smiles at weddings don’t they. Granddads tend to smile like they had a vindaloo and a bad pint the night before.

Grandson Blaze (named after his conception on Guy Fawkes night after a supper of hot dogs, burgers and eight cans of lager) is having a final kick of the football in the garden when he falls head first into Dad’s newly created re-cycling compost heap. Dad feels it’s time to go green even though he drives a Subaru Imprezza which has been chipped at ‘Pro Drive’ by the way, it’s wicked! And Mum takes the kids to school in a long wheelbase Toyota Land Cruiser fitted with full snorkel in case she has to cross the River Humber.

So the car arrives and the photographer is off to the Church to get the Groom, Best man or men (anything up to four Best men is not a surprise nowadays) and ushers out of the ‘Queens Legs’ pub before the Bride arrives.

Getting their picture done before the Vicar comes out of the Church door, looking at his watch, is the next mission for the photographer.

The Grooms bravado is starting to wear off now, the most nervous is the Best man as all he’s got on his mind is the speech.

A Best man recently, whose name was Mike, opened his speech with ‘Hello my name’s Darren’ which in fact was the Grooms name.

Meanwhile back at the house the car has whisked the, still moaning, Bridesmaids off to the Church, the one having a bad hair day was told to ‘shut it’ by the Chief Bridesmaid Waynetta who lost it after getting dog s**t on her new shoes as she crossed the grass verge to the car.

Baby Chardonnay is fast asleep by now after being woken at 6:45 a.m. to get ready, well there isn’t much time; the wedding is at 3:00 p.m.

The Bride finally emerges from Mum and Dad’s house that sadly looks like the back room of a charity shop complete with yesterday’s knickers and bra hanging on the banister for everyone to see.

She is greeted by all the neighbours who weren’t lucky enough to get an invite and the Plumber’s van goes flying past with a mixture of wolf whistles and ‘don’t do it luv’.

Bridesmaid

Bridesmaids have varied in amount from none to the most being sixteen!!

The sixteen at a wedding with only fifty six guests. The sixteen were made up of two in blue, two in pink, two in green, two in lilac, two in lemon, two in magenta, two in orange, and lastly two in white, all in pastel colours though