A Day in the Life of a Storm

Contents

Prologue

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

About the Author

To my Mom who taught me how to weather the storm.

Prologue

December 31

This is it, the last day of the year. Let’s review my resolutions; I have lost thirty pounds, I exercise more and I have a job I enjoy. So I have accomplished many of my resolutions. However, I lost my husband in the process. My entire universe has been turned upside down. I had to start all over. I did not want my story to end this way. I wanted to give you a happily ever after. An ending that will make you believe in fairy tales. However, life is not a fairy tale and happy endings are subjective. I believe life is a storm. A storm that is to be relished and enjoyed. As I write this I look outside and it is storming. The irony of it makes me smile. The storm, you see, is like my life. I learned very early to embrace the storm. I turn my face towards the sky and I feel the rain on my face. I stick out my tongue and taste the raindrops. I feel the thunder as it rumbles its wrath through my soul. I dare the lightning to take me away to a higher place. Afterwards, I see the rainbow and I hold its promise close to my heart. Life is a storm with only smatterings of sunshine and happiness. Those who wait on the sunshine will never survive but those who learn to feel the ecstasy of the storm, will not only survive, but thrive. I chose to survive. So instead of a happily ever after, I give you a storm. Guess what? It is better, than happily ever after, it is life. Live it. Love it. Survive. Evolve.

January

5 Years later

January 1

Stormy

Angry, grey, billows of clouds engulf the otherwise blue sky, lightning streaks across the horizon, thunder rumbles its wrath. These are signs of an approaching storm. My adrenaline begins to flow. Such is a storm. Such is my life.

I was rid of him. Then like an idiot I took him back. It was stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. So I am here again, right in the middle of a storm. I was happy five years ago. I was evolved and he came back. I took him back and now he wants rid of me again. He told me so last week but then he took it back. So I will stay and gather my strength. Stay; until I can no longer take his indifference then I will leave. He says he is tired and we have grown apart. I know there is more to it but he refuses to tell me the truth. I will wait because I know the truth will rise and perhaps with the truth I will have the courage to leave. This time I will not take him back. If you leave once shame on you, twice shame on me.

Monday

January 2

Rainy with big massive rain clouds

I am gathering my strength and waiting for the right moment. There is this part of me that does not want to give up hope but I have. How can you fight something when you do not even know what you are fighting? I know there is a component that I am missing but what could it be? I am fighting this invisible demon.

There are worse things than hate. Indifference is worse. That is where I am with my life. I am in an indifferent relationship. He does not care if I stay or go. How can you treat someone like that when you swore to love them forever?

I suppose there are many couples that are okay with just living their day to day life without being that close. I am not one of them. We will have a real relationship or nothing. I cannot live in this abyss of indifference.

Perhaps I should introduce myself. My name is Sara and I am thirty eight years old. Sam and I have been married for over twenty years and we have two children, Sean and Eva. Sam has weathered the years well physically and he is handsome. Personality wise he has not weathered them so well, he is only a shell of the man I fell in love with all those years ago. I miss the Sam I fell in love with and sometimes I see glimpses of him but it only adds to my sorrow. It would be easy to leave the man he is now if I could forget about the man he once was.

January 3

Tuesday

Rain with periods of sunshine

In many ways my daily life has not changed. Sam and I do all the things we have done for the past twenty years. We get up, get ready, kiss each other, say I love you at the appropriate times. We vent to each other about work, I serve him his dinner and snuggle into him at night so I can sleep. We even have the same amazing sex that we have always had. The difference is the manner in which he does these things. It seems forced and contrived.

Sometimes I feel as if I am on the outside looking in at our lives. From the outside it looks so normal, almost happy. But on the inside we are just going through the motions. I am sure that everyone thinks we are fine, happy, they believe we have defied the odds. When I complain to my friends it sounds ridiculous. How can you describe something you do not understand? I cannot say that he beats me or yells. It would almost be better to describe a fight or an argument. How do you describe indifference?

I realize there are many women that would envy my relationship with Sam. They live in a much worse environment and think I am crazy for complaining. Maybe if we would have always had a bad relationship I would not know the difference and I could just accept it and move on. However, I know the difference and I refuse to settle for mediocre. Why do we think we should settle?

January 4

Wednesday

Sunny but I can smell the rain

We have two children together, Eva who just turned eighteen and Sean who is twenty four and lives on his own. Eva is going to college to be an engineer or a draftsman. Her father got her interested in that line of work. It pays good and there are plenty of jobs out there in the field. Sean works at local grocery store and likes his job. Both of my children are doing well and I hate to disrupt them with my marriage problems.

Eva is dating her boss from work. He seems to be a nice guy and he has told me from the first day I met him that he will marry Eva. His name is Paul and I think he will be good for her. Maybe that is wishful thinking on my part. My life feels like it is teetering out of control so I want her happy and secure.

On the flip side I wonder if she just wants out of the house. If maybe Paul is her way out. I am sure that she can feel the tension when Sam and I are in the same room. I do not want her to make a huge mistake just because I did. How can we stop our children from making the same mistakes we did? I guess we cannot. We have to sit by and smile while they do stupid things. That does not mean I have to like it!

January 5

Thursday

Cloudy

Eva seems happy but I have to wonder if it is a facade. She loved Dan and it is difficult to believe you can recover so quickly. She dated Dan all through high school and they broke up because he wants to travel in the military and she wants to stay here and eventually start a family. She wants to settle down and he wants to wait until he is older to get married. When they broke up he told me that they did not break up because they did not love one another they broke up because they did. I thought they were very mature about the entire situation. More so than I would have been at their age, I always plunged in and damn the consequences. I know I need to stay out of it, she is an adult now. I just hate to sit by and say nothing when I can offer sage advice. Who am I kidding? I am not the go to person on relationship advice. My relationship is in shambles and I just ignore it and hope it goes away.

Sam is oblivious to it all; he is wrapped up in his own little world. The more I attempt to get his input the more I see how little he cares. As if she is almost of age and not his problem anymore. What could be more important than his daughter and her future? How can he just stick his head in the sand and let me worry about it all? I would love to know what was going on in that world. Especially, since it is more important than his daughter. If I could glimpse into his mind then perhaps I could see his side of things. Maybe then I would have my answers.

January 6

Friday

Stormy

Just in case you are wondering about the title of this book I will explain. Storms have always been a part of my life. The night my brother died it stormed as if God was angry at our little corner of the universe. Perhaps he was. When my Step dad almost beat my mom to death the storm was so furious that it slammed through the window and broke up the fight. They represent change to me. Change often requires endurance and strength. Sometimes the change is horrible and I do not know if I have the ability to withstand it but God always shows me the way. So I embrace these storms now. They engage me and make me feel alive. They represent God in his rawest form. I sit in awe of his power and pray for the grace to make it through and see the rainbow.

I love every aspect of the storm. The rain, thunder, lightning and the wind, they are all the components of a storm. The wind saved me once or at least saved my mom. I stopped fearing them long ago, even the ones that cause you great pain. The pain is caused by man’s stupidity and the storm represents God’s wrath at our ignorance. However, he gives us rain to wash away our tears or perhaps to cry with you. The thunder is heard as the rumblings of his wrath. The lightning is present to make us feel our morality more clearly. When it is over the sun will come out again. Then all that is left is to wait on the rainbow.

January 7

Saturday

Misty

My normal Saturday routine consists of cleaning the house, lunch with Eva, grocery shopping and cooking a nice dinner. Our routines are what save us when are world goes crazy. Our mundane tasks bring normalcy to craziness. At least, I can pretend everything is fine. I am the queen of wishful thinking. We are just going through a rut and he will snap out of it and we will be better than ever.

Sam spent his day at his friend’s house. He spends a lot of time there working. I suppose I should investigate his whereabouts. Follow him. Tap his phone. Show up at his work unannounced. Instead I will trust him. That is what I am supposed to do, right? Maybe it is not trust. Maybe it is ignorance is bliss. Maybe I do not want to know.

I checked his cell phone records but to no avail. If he has a girlfriend he is not calling her from his phone. He does not get any hang ups and he does not have a problem when I answer the phone. He has sent me text messages with pictures and I wonder who taught him to do that. He also has a lot of text messages on his bill but you cannot get copies of what he sent and who he sent it to and the time the message was sent. I hate playing investigator. I hate that I feel like I need to investigate.

January 8

Sunday

Stormy

I feel a storm brewing. As I drove home from church, the wind whipped around my car rocking the entire car from side to side. Clouds engulfed the otherwise blue sky in angry shades of grey. I wonder what this storm will bring. Will it bring heartache or just the truth I denied? I feel as if this storm will only bring pain. I have this sense of foreboding before when really bad things are about to happen.

I was so happy when I finally got home. As I walked in the warmth filled me and the panic subsided. I hope that I am just imaging the storm that is coming. Perhaps it will pass without major damage. My instincts are rarely wrong though and they warn me of much more. For now I am safe and I will focus on that instead of the storm to come.

I spent the evening reading and trying to engage Sam in conversation. He just eats, watches television and goes to bed. I ask him about his day and he just grunted responses. I want to shake him and make him tell me what is going on but instead I return to my book and give up.

Books have always been my refuge. I can immerse myself in a book and the problems of the characters and forget my own problems. With a book I can travel to places I have only dreamed of in my imagination. When I was little I could not wait to learn how to read. I have always wanted to read myself and I hate others to read aloud to me. My friend and former boss, Kat used to read to me at meetings to annoy me when I was not paying attention. When someone reads to me it is the equivalent of scraping your fingernails on a chalkboard. Just give it to me and I will read it myself.

January 9

Monday

Stormy

Eva and I had a huge fight over a married guy at work. He lied to Eva and told her he was single. She dumped him when she found out that he lied. Then she started dating Paul. Now this idiot left his wife and children and wants her back. We had a huge disagreement about his ethics. I know it has to be hard for her. The guy is gorgeous and a real charmer. He is swearing his undying love. He has even gone so far as to recruit my help. He has some nerve. He needs to go back to his wife and babies and leave my baby alone.

The fight ended when I pulled her door off the hinges. When I told Sam to fix it he questioned what happened but did not get involved. He really does not care what is going on around here. I ripped the door off the hinges and he just fixes it and does not care why we were fighting. Eva and I rarely fight so he knows it has to be serious. Ugh.

When Eva was small she was always so obedient. She never questioned me or argued with me, so it makes it hard when she does not listen to me now. I guess it had to eventually be this way. She is her own person now and she is testing her wings. I can offer my opinion but I have to back off if she does not do exactly what I think is best.

January 10

Tuesday

Stormy

Do you ever feel as if the world is spinning so fast around you that you lose yourself? I wish that I could stop it for awhile and freeze all the things around me, until I can understand where I am on the path. Then I could devise a plan. I could start things back up again, when I understand more where I am going. The problem with that is: what if I never understand. What if I freeze everything and I am still lost?

I wonder if God stops us sometimes. If he freezes the world so we can regroup. You know those times when you feel refreshed and there is no apparent reason as to why you feel so great? Maybe he stopped us for awhile. Perhaps he allows these reprieves that we are unaware of. If I have ever needed a time to rest it is now. So, God, if it would not be too much trouble could you stop the spinning for awhile? Let me devise a plan to save my marriage and make my children deliriously happy. I need things to slow down for awhile so I can fix them. Do you remember that line in Life in the fast lane that states that they are in the fast lane and dying to get off? Well, I want off. A dirt road on a tractor would be nice.

January 11

Wednesday

Sunny (hopeful)

I went to church. We always turn to God when our lives are awry. I wonder if he tires of our behavior. We beg and plead for him to save us. How sad he must feel to hear our pain and know the final outcome. However, he knows the big picture and he already has the conclusion. I know he hates to see us in pain.

The bottom line is I really believe he wants me to help myself. He knows what I am going through. He feels my pain. He knows Sam’s horrible indifference. I can fake it with everyone else but God knows. I believe he cries with me. He knows that Sam is breaking my heart. I do not have to explain it to him, he knows. I believe he is tapping me on the head and telling me to do something. I keep whining to him that it is too hard but really I know that it cannot be any more difficult than staying.

January 12

Thursday

Stormy

Sam came to Mom’s for dinner and he told us this story about this woman at work who told him his wife was a lucky woman. I had to laugh. When I questioned him about her he said she was unattractive and looked like a man. He loved the compliment. I could see it shining in his eyes. A part of me wanted to say that she could have him but I bit back the words. It is hard enough already without me adding fuel to the fire. So, I do my smile and nod thing and go on.

I had to find out whom this woman was and if she was really attractive. This could explain everything. My cousin works with him, so I called to ask about her. He confirmed that she was unattractive. He went on to say that she had fell down an ugly tree and hit every branch. I guess that does not really mean he is not banging her but it is less likely. Right?

January 13

Friday

Sunny

I always look forward to Friday. It is the one day when Sam treats me like his wife. I sense that it is an act but I snatch at it like a starving person would a Big Mac. I relish every crumb of affection he gives me. I dress up and he makes the right comments. He takes me to my favorite restaurant and orders my favorite foods. He pulls my chair out and opens the car door. He is my perfect gentleman on Friday. I lap it up and wallow in his affections. I do not care that it seems forced and contrived. I do not care that in his eyes I see the truth. Right now he is treating me like his princess. As if he loves me like he use to. So, for today I will pretend and fall asleep in his arms.

January 14

Saturday

Bright Sunshine

I am back to reality today and he is his new self. The man that he faked for me last night is gone and in his place is and indifferent stranger. I try to bring him back but he has left until next Friday. He went to his friend’s house to work. I offered to bring him lunch and suggested a picnic but he made it obvious he did not want me there. I will stay home and fulfill my wifely duties.

My sister, Christina has invited me on a trip to Manatee Springs, Florida. Her single friend Ray is going. My step mom and niece are tagging along as well. In a way I am afraid to go because going may give Sam the excuse he needs to throw me out. On the other hand if he needs a reason I might as well give him one. I need to get away and evaluate everything with a clear head.

The reason Christina wants to go to Manatee Springs is so we can kayak with the manatees. Sam and I went kayaking with them last year and she has wanted to go ever since I told her about the trip. Sam took me, before our troubles, and it was magical. The manatees come right up to your boat and roll over as if they want you to pet them. I was informed of this rule by the park ranger that watched my interactions from afar. He kept saying you can’t touch them North Carolina. To which I sweetly replied that I would not dare. Anyway, Christina wants to see them and kayak in the springs. I will be happy to take her and her entourage.

January 15

Sunday

Cloudy

I went to church without Sam. He has not been in so long I have stopped asking him. In a way it feels as if he never went with me. Like our life before did not happen. That feels like another lifetime ago. We used to go to church together as a family and afterwards we would go out for lunch. It was our Sunday tradition. I try to remember what happened that stopped him from going but I cannot. Things gradually fell apart. It was not just one event that occurred it was numerous little things that shape our lives. Something little happens and it bothers us but we do not want to argue so we let it go. Then all these little things pile on top of one another until you are living separate lives and you do not even know when it