In His Hand: I Know That My Redeemer Lives

Copyright © 2013 Phyllis Keels.

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Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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ISBN: 978-1-4497-8364-8 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-8365-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-8366-2 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013902071

WestBow Press rev. date: 02/15/2013

Contents

Part 1 – Writing in Tragedy

I Was Home That Day

Prayers of the Faithful

The Picture and the Vision

Decisions

The Valley

The Dream

The Donation

Three Verses

Faith

Hymns and Scriptures

Fancy Water and Jellybeans

Only a Shell

Carried

My Good Dog

Alan’s Epiphany

A Cross

A Mother’s Prayer

The Kids Are All Right

The Little Birds

The Basket

Julie’s Obedience

Healing

Sitting in the Ashes

No Regrets

The Garden

Why?

Stay with the Herd

Scars

Julie’s Favorite Photo

Daddy’s Arms

Pack Rat

The Little Mermaid

The Expedition

The Teacher

Cinderella

The Bridge

The Chimney Swifts

Coffee

Thunderstorms

Kindergarten

The Orphanage

Heights

Light

Sandcastles

Beauty

Sunsets

Found

The Sword

After the Rain

Julie’s Room

Ahead of Me

Adornment of Grace

Crowns

Part 2 – Picking Up the Pieces

The Pasture

The Birthday

There is a Season

Wedding

A Masterpiece

Perfume

Blackberries

Come With Me

Lemonade

The Bookcase

Even the Wind and the Waves

Debts

Plowshares

Laughter

A Memory

The Picture Bible

The Tricycle

The Mimosa Tree

Walking Grace

Staying Put

Only Dust

The Fire of Grace

Only a Glimpse

A Ripple

The Ocean

The Seed

Nicknames

Claire de Lune

A Kindred Spirit

Better Days

My Little Supergirl

Eyes of Blue

Welcome Home

Beautiful and Pure

Restore to Me

The Receiver

Especially When It Rains

Resting, Resting

Lamb Chop

The Testimony

The Face

Part 3 – New Life

The Refiner

Happily Ever After

You Matter

The Legacy

The Wind in the Trees

Thanksgiving

A Fragrant Aroma

The Handwriting

Then We See

Be Still

Through the Cross

Past the Breakers

A Tiny Tree

On His Shoulder

A Soft Day

A Clear Bell

The Mourning Dove

Emma’s Picture

Horsetail

Glimpses of Heaven

Oil of Joy

Reason Enough

Smashing Pumpkins

But You

Exceeding Abundantly

The Author of Truth

Before the Foundation

The Gentle Whisper

Tenderhearted

Finished

Doorkeeper

Spilling Out

The Answers Come

Josiah and Julie

A Happy Day

Resurrection Sunday

Honored to Share

Consider the Heavens

An Easy Life?

S.L.O.W.

Warming the Ache

Part 1 – Writing in Tragedy

Even in Tragedy

At this writing, two weeks ago, my daughter Julie died. Even though my heart is broken and full of grief, more painful than I could have imagined, I see that the Lord had equipped us long ago for this tragedy. It seemed that my life and those of my family and friends, were planted with everything we needed before this happened.

There were so many amazing things that the Lord did between Julie’s car wreck and now. There were many more of His miracles to follow. I knew that He would want me to write them down to share with others.

However, in my grief I couldn’t bring myself to do more than make a list of His loving kindness and His wonders. How can I write when I cannot look ahead five minutes from now? How can I do something that has always brought me joy when my daughter is no longer on this earth? I kept telling myself that I should wait until the pain eases or I can bear it – if that time ever comes.

Last night, a dear sister in Christ, unaware of my fear of writing again, sent me a message. She said that while praying for me the Lord impressed upon her to tell me to write. Throughout the day, He kept giving her that urgency. Hoping that I would understand what that meant, she was obedient and told me. There were so many amazing things that the Lord did between Julie’s car wreck and now. There are many more of His miracles to follow. Therefore, I knew that He would want me to write them down to share with others.

I cried as I read her message, and I put that very kindness from Him at the top of my list to write about. What faithful sisters and brothers in Christ I have, and what gentle kindness the Lord shows to me!

Now that I am also being obedient, I can see something I had not seen before. Our gifts not only bless the body of Christ but they are for our survival. Gifts are to be used even in tragedy and suffering. We can probably say they should especially be used in those times.

Think about it. When are we most thankful for water? When in a place where there is no water. Everything important means more to us when we go through suffering.

The important thing for me, is remembering the presence of the Holy Spirit each moment. I cannot take a breath or a step without seeking Him right now. It is only by His leading and comfort that we can continue to use our gifts even when we are broken in grief.

Over the next weeks, months, years I will write for you what the Lord has done. Even though we know how much He cares for us, I pray you will know Him a little better through these writings. I pray that after reading each one your love for Him will grow as mine is growing day after day.

I Was Home That Day

I was at home when it happened. When I got the call that Julie was being airlifted to Baptist Hospital. It was a day off from work and I was preparing to leave to have my taxes done.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I dropped to my knees on the kitchen floor, calling out over and over, Father God, help me! My whole body quaked in fear and all I could do was cry to the Living God.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive to Winston-Salem. I could not stop shaking. The Lord brought my brother to mind. I knew he would be home. As soon as I called and told him what had happened, he said that we should pray together before we did anything. Once more I fell on my knees.

As we prayed, I knew that my brother and I were in agreement that God was going to heal Julie, however He saw fit. We were of one mind that anything is possible with God and that He is able to do above and beyond anything we could ask or think.

The trip to Winston was the longest ride of my life, but the Lord had me take it with my faithful brother. We were home, both of us that day. The Father had me covered from the beginning. I knew it even in the shattering fear that formed a red haze all around me. I knew it.

I have never felt the presence of the Lord like I have since that phone call. He was as close as if he were holding me against His chest. He carried me as a shepherd carries a lamb in the fold of his robe, where it can hear his voice and his heartbeat.

My body was broken and my soul was crushed. I was crying in pain, but He held me close to His very heart. I could rest my head upon the chest of the Lord Jesus, who knows what real pain is. If ever I was grateful for what Jesus suffered for me, it was then.

It was an honor to have a tiny inkling of His pain, to know His heart a little better, and the sweet sound of His voice. Through the Comforter, every single time, He gives me more than I need to stand up and walk another step.

I am here to tell you that, He really does never forsake us. Really.

Prayers of the Faithful

While in the ICU waiting room, I already knew we were covered with prayer. I had called two of my closest friends to pray, to spread the word and to pray some more.

The Lord held me while we waited for the doctors to come tell us what was going on. All we knew at that time was – auto accident – critical condition. But I knew we were being prayed for.

The Lord gave me the words to pray for Julie when I could not speak. He reminded me that the Holy Spirit makes intercession for us when we don’t know how to pray.

I can see now that there is no prayer like the cry of the heart. My heart was being torn apart, but the Holy Spirit took that groan of anguish and translated it to seek the Father’s will.

Since that day, when people ask me what I need, I have said prayer.

I have heard it said that all we can do is pray when we have done everything else. I knew prayer was not a last resort. Now, I really know it.

Prayer is a first line of defense. It is the standard operating procedure for the long haul. We should never cease praying.

I understand that now. I have not stopped talking with the Lord about what happened, about what I feel, nor about what He shows me that He is doing through this. I do not want to ever stop talking with Him.

Knowing, from that morning of Julie’s wreck, that the faithful believers where praying for my daughter and my family, was like giving water to one in the desert. It gave me a comfort that cannot be described.

Those prayers were so beautiful that you can almost see the fragrant incense rising up to the Living God (Revelation 5:8).

We were covered in prayer from that day, wrapped in the desire for the Father’s will. And that was right where I wanted us to be.

The Picture and the Vision

There is a print, a touching picture that Julie and I love. It was hanging in a store downtown and we used to look at it together when we were there. The picture is of a woman clinging to a cross on a rock while a terrible storm rages around her. The whole time Julie was in the hospital, that picture came to mind, because that was a picture of me.

I remember days of walking around, talking to people, trying to eat and just sitting. But what I really remember is clinging to the Lord. I knew that the storm would blow me out to sea if I didn’t cling to the only thing sure in my life – the Lord Jesus.

The possibility of losing my daughter was not even something I could consider. If I even looked down that path, that terrifying dark path, I would lose my mind. I knew I would be no good to Julie or my family if that happened.

Also, I knew that if God chose to heal Julie, He would do it. He might choose a miraculous healing in an instant. He might choose to do it slowly over months or years. Either way, I wanted what He wanted. If I was going to make it through this, I had to stand on the only solid ground there is.

Over the next few days, Julie’s condition changed many times. The pressure in her brain went up and down. The doctors and nurses worked to keep her stable. On Sunday night and into Monday morning, they had to take a piece of her skull to relieve the pressure.

Julie’s Dad and I took shifts during that weekend so that someone would always be with Julie. Just as the Lord was staying with me, I stayed with my daughter. When I was not at the hospital, I prayed for her, for her healing, for the doctors and nurses to have Godly wisdom, and for Julie not to be afraid.

Sometime during the day on Monday, I was alone with Julie. I laid my head on the side of her bed, held her hand and asked the Lord to comfort her. Please don’t let her be afraid, Lord. I was sure Julie could hear everything going on. I did not want my baby to be afraid, but to know that the Comforter was there.

As I was crying and asking the Lord’s mercy, He gave me a vision. I have not told many people about it because it sounds so unbelievable. However, now I know now He wanted me to share my vision.

In my mind I could see Julie lying on the bed and me beside her, praying. We appeared just as we were in that moment, only seen from above. Then I saw the Lord place his hands on our heads. First His left on Julie, then His right on me.

Only His His hands and forearms were visible and they were golden, and full of warmth and light. They were like living fire.

Then I felt His hand on my head. It was the warmest comfort I have ever known. I wept with gratitude. How kind! How loving! How faithful He is!

I was sure that He was healing Julie that day. I was convinced even before He had given me the vision . He was going to heal her.

I know now that the vision was for something else. I had been praying for Julie not to be afraid. He was showing me that He was with us. Later, a friend said that this may have been when He took Julie home.

Whatever the reason for the vision, I am sure of this: the Living God had His hands on us. He held us and gave me the gift of His presence in that room.

I have never felt peace like what He has given me since Julie’s accident. Unwavering, constant, solid peace, even when I break down in tears.

The peace is there because in the midst of the storm, the Rock does not move. He will not move, because even His name is Faithful and True. All we need to do is cling to Him.

Decisions

When Tuesday came, at first, it seemed no different than the other days Julie had been in the hospital. But over the morning, things kept changing.

The doctors wanted to do another CT scan of her head to check the pressure in her brain, but the machine was broken. The monitor they had inserted in her brain was not working correctly. The IV catheter in her chest had come loose, and on and on. They did a chest x-ray and found she had a partially collapsed lung.

During all the chaos, the doctor pointed out that if Julie’s heart stopped during any of the procedures, he would recommend that no chest compressions or shocks be done to revive her. He said those two methods would cause more damage to her brain and harm to her body.

I almost fell on the floor. Why were we talking about do not resuscitate details when God was going to heal Julie?

I called a dear friend, asking her to pray with me. Please pray that my faith does not fail! As she prayed and I wept, the Lord gave me the clear assurance that the resuscitation would not be necessary. I was so happy because I was sure that meant Julie was healed. Again, I was overwhelmed by His kindness.

I waited hours to see the doctor. I wanted to make sure they were fixing everything that was not working. Finally, at two o’clock in the afternoon the doctor told me that at some point since (or in) the accident, Julie had a stroke. In the accident, part of her brain had been damaged beyond repair. The rest of her brain was damaged by the stroke – beyond repair.

There was not any brain activity other than brain stem, which is for breathing, internal organs, and some twitching movements. No brain activity…

I could not breathe. I couldn’t move my legs to sit down. How could this be? Lord, take me instead!

The doctor said they had done everything they could do. If Julie survived she would always be like this – lifeless – her body kept alive by machines.

While I shook and whispered, No, no, no… the nurse held me. My best friend phoned Julie’s dad for me so we could make the decision. We had to tell the doctors what we wanted. What I wanted – was my daughter the way she was the week before.

My friend took me downstairs and had me eat something. She said it was going to be a long night and that I needed my strength. I can never thank the Lord enough for this friend’s calm, her wisdom, and her love for me and for my family.

Julie’s dad and I were united in our desire for what was best for Julie. The Lord gave us the same heart during the time since the wreck. Each time the doctors asked of us to make a decision, our agreement was seamless. This time was no different. We had to let her body go.

My brother said a very wise thing that day. He told me it was as if the Lord said to him, You have asked for what you want and I have heard you. But what does Julie want?

Julie was already with Him. My brother knew it. I knew it as soon as the doctor told me what our choices were. I just couldn’t believe that she was not going to be healed. My brother said that once we are in the presence of the Lord, why would we ever want to come back?

I knew that what I was looking at was a body, a shell. Still, it was my baby’s shell. Even then, the Lord gave me the strength to do what was right for my daughter, though it was the most horrible thing I would ever endure.

If the Lord had not held me during that time, Julie would not be free, and I would not have the undercurrent of peace that still resides in and all around me.

I am sure that this is about as difficult to read as it was for me to write.