One More Miracle: A Story of Love, Loss, and Triumph

Chapter 1

Last night’s storm had been a surprise, a sleeping giant that no one expected; the kind that shut down the whole city. Anna O’Reilly loved everything about it. She especially loved that its ferocity seemed to dull the razor sharp claws of anxiety that tore away at her insides, bringing her a strange sort of relief. She rolled over and turned on the radio and listened for a while to all the closures, then pulled the covers up to her chin and let the sound of the wind roaring around the corner of the house and the snow beating its constant rhythm against the bedroom window lull her back to sleep. If she had only known then the way her life would eventually unfold, how different she would have felt.

Lethargically wandering into her living room a while later, she stared through the window at the bare branches of the maple tree being whipped mercilessly by the wind. Outside, in the aftermath of the early November storm, neighbors were out in their yards, most armed with shovels, the few lucky ones with snow blowers, bravely tackling the waist deep snow that would overwhelm less seasoned mortals. A few called back and forth to their neighbors, but most had their heads down, their stance showing the dogged determination they would need to handle what looked insurmountable to Anna. Among them was Jack bravely piling snow on the already high snow banks that lined the drive. As he stopped for a minute to talk to little Johnny next door, she could see his smiling face and realized with shock that he was still a handsome man. She shook her head in bewilderment. At what point in their marriage had she lost sight of that, she asked herself.

As she stood watching the outside activity, her mind wandered back to this morning and what must be their ten thousandth argument. It’s always the same, she thought. She doesn’t understand him. If it’s not about money, it’s about sex. Jack never seems to have enough of either, and her refusal to continue with the endless discussions about it means that they live much of their lives in uncomfortable silence. It wasn’t that they didn’t love each other anymore, she knew they did, but they just didn’t seem to like each other much. What in God’s name happened to them, she wonders like hundreds of times before?

No need to wonder anymore, she mumbles irritably, reaching for the ringing phone and glancing at the incoming number, the answer to her question instantly apparent. Alice. Should she answer and listen to the litany of complaints and problems that never change? Or should she let it ring, knowing the calls will just keep coming until she does. Reluctantly she answers.

Hello.

Mom.

That’s me.

I don’t feel good. I’m depressed again. I think I’m going to kill myself.

Here we go again, Anna thought. How many times has she heard this? Ten? A hundred? She’s lost count. She can’t even remember how long ago it was since she stopped worrying about that threat becoming a reality. How is it possible that I can hate someone I love so much, she wonders again and searches her soul for an answer that never comes.

Mom, are you there?

Yes, I’m here.

I wish I didn’t feel like this. I started getting those urges again last night. But I didn’t follow up on them. I didn’t do anything I’m not supposed to, but I wanted to really bad, Alice continued.

I’m glad you didn’t. I don’t think you’ll be any happier in prison than you are right now, and you know that’s where you’ll go if you break the rules of your probation.

Yeah, I know, Alice replied, obviously bored with that topic. I just got out of bed.

Anna glanced at the time recorded on the screen of the phone that she had come to hate with a passion completely out of proportion with the way one should feel about a phone. 12:40 pm.

Not surprised but slightly disgusted she replied, Perhaps it’s time for you to get washed and dressed and try to do something productive with your day. I think that would make you feel better.

Yeah alright, I suppose. But I wish I was better.

I wish you were to, Anna said this with feeling that rose from the depths of her tired soul. Bye.

She stood for a very long time, a woman petite in every sense of the word, her blond hair cropped so that it was just the right length to tuck behind her ears the way she liked to wear it. She wasn’t really thinking anything in particular just letting thoughts and feelings roll over her. She didn’t seem to have the energy to focus this morning. The years of worry and the stress of losing her beautiful child to mental illness showed on a still pretty face, but the blue eyes that once sparkled with excitement and fun had long since lost their glow. Just for a moment she wondered what it would be like to be free. To be excited and happy again, to look forward to the ringing of the phone instead of dreading what was coming from the other end. To live a life filled with just routine day-to-day problems and challenges. God, what she wouldn’t give. She tried her best to imagine that kind of peace, but the weight on her shoulders and the gnawing in her stomach wouldn’t let her.

Finally she turned with a quickness that surprised her. She had to shake this.

For God’s sake, Anna, she said impatiently, give it up. Come on girl. Lose the self-pity.

She hated self-pity and the people who wallowed in it. She hated it more than the weight that she carried around with her, that knot of fear, dread and sadness that awoke with her in the morning and went to bed with her every night. It was the longing to be free of its hateful grasp, she supposed, that fueled her need to be in motion. She had to move, to find something to feel good about. Sadness made her feel weak and she valued strength of character above everything else. Trouble was that lately she caught herself sliding into sadness more than she used to and finding the strength to pull herself out was getting harder and harder. Still giving in to it wasn’t an option.

She reached in the closet for a warm coat and decided on her favorite, a black hip length Far West jacket that she believed flattered her while it kept her warm even in the coldest weather. She decided to add a bright red scarf, gloves and hat whose vibrant color and soft fuzzy texture kind of cheered her up.

The phone rang again.

Jesus. Alice again. Anna debated whether to answer it. Survival instinct and guilt battled for a moment. Guilt won out.

Hello.

Hello mudder. Alice responded.

Anna clenched her teeth. What’s wrong now? she asked reluctantly.

Dr. Johns forgot to add my Luvox to my new prescription yesterday.

Oh dear, well you’ll have to call his office and get him to phone it in to the pharmacy.

But he is gone on vacation for two weeks.

Do you have any pills left?

No.

Anna felt the tension rolling in her stomach. There was nothing she could do about it. And without her pills, Alice tended to spiral out of control. When that happened everybody’s life was thrown into even more chaos than usual.

Perhaps there are some refills still left on the old prescription. Why don’t you check with the pharmacist?

Oh, Pat already did that, Alice said.

Thank God for Alice’s caregiver, Anna thought with relief. She felt some of the tension drain away.

Were there any refills left? she asked with what patience she could muster. Losing her patience with Alice rarely led to anything good and always left her feeling guilty.

I don’t know. Alice replied matter-of-factly.

As she often did during her conversations with her daughter, Anna wanted to scream. Just for a moment she envisioned Alice’s expression if she gave in to the overwhelming urge to scream with frustration and then rip the phone from the wall and throw it through the window.

Oh well, I’m sure you and Pat will figure it out. Anna said, her calm exterior completely at odds with the turmoil inside.

I suppose, replied Alice.

I have to go now, Alice. I was just about to take Oscar for a walk.

But I’m bored, Alice moaned in her most pitiful voice.

I’ll talk to you later, Anna said ignoring the blatant attempt to play on her guilt once more.

Yeah, came the reply.

Anna hung up the phone and grabbed the bulldog’s leash from the hook.

Come on Oscar. Let’s get out of here before that damn phone rings again.

She didn’t have to ask twice. Oscar lived and died to hear those words. After all, Oscar reasoned, a dog’s life is pretty boring and an opportunity to sniff his way around the neighborhood was as close to high adventure as he was likely to get. He loved walking with his mistress, in fact, he loved everything about her. She was his world. She always took good care of him, and in return he did his best to take care of her. When she cried, which was more than Oscar would have liked, he did his best to comfort her, putting his head in her lap so she could wrap her arms around his neck till the storm passed. He wished he could do more, like chase away whatever it was that hurt her, but he didn’t know what that was so he just did what he could, but he was always relieved when it was over and she held his face between her hands and kissed his wet nose. He knew that he had helped when he saw the love shining in the eyes that looked into his. Ah, he thought, he really was a lucky dog, and he wasn’t one to take that for granted.

As they strolled out the snowy driveway, they passed Jack. Sometimes Jack took him for his walk, but although Oscar wasn’t one to complain, he didn’t like it so much. Jack was always in a hurry and expected Oscar to practically run all the way around the block with no time for sniffing. Oscar was a browser at heart and the fast pace didn’t feed his doggie soul the way a stroll did. Jack talked louder than Oscar liked and, although he wasn’t unkind, his energy held a tension that Oscar could feel; and, truth was, the fierce looking dog with the pussy cat’s heart preferred spending time with his mistress. And there was something else about Jack that bothered him. He couldn’t understand why Jack never helped him out when Anna needed comforting. Instinct told Oscar men were supposed to do stuff like that. But Jack never did. Oh well, he’d… . His soul-searching was brought to an abrupt halt by the sudden appearance of the neighbors’ cat. He knew Anna wouldn’t let him chase her, but a guy could dream!

From Anna’s point of view she couldn’t possibly have a better friend than her Oscar. He was such a laid back kind of guy. She’d had other dogs in her life, several in fact, but at this stage of her life, Oscar was a perfect fit. He loved his walk, and she tried to get him out whenever she could. She knew he loved the relaxing pace. This time with Oscar was for his pleasure and for her to just enjoy nature, to appreciate the sky, the trees, the flowers in season, and most days even the snow.

Today, though, she was out of sorts. Even Oscar’s relaxing presence couldn’t soothe the restlessness in her. Today she couldn’t think of anything but running away. Away from the tension that had been hanging in the air between her and Jack for so long, and away from the phone calls from Alice, away from the wind and the mountains of snow. As much as she wanted to run, she couldn’t for the life of her think of a place that would be far enough to escape her life. Where had it all gone wrong? Would it ever be right again? Oh well, perhaps she was overreacting. Everything would be alright. She didn’t know if it was the wind in her face or the snow swirling all around her, but gradually she found herself feeling better. Her walk with Oscar usually had this effect after a while. And thank God for that. After stopping briefly to pet Oscar, she turned and headed home, stopping often to chat with her neighbors on the way.

Later that night she and Jack were watching a hockey game, when the phone rang for the first time since dinner. It was a pleasant evening, the usual tension between them abated for a while. He had even smiled once or twice. All that changed with the ringing of the phone. It was Kristina calling from her home in Toronto where she had moved for work. She may have gone there to work, but Anna knew that it was not really a case of what she was running to, but rather what she was running from.

Hi Kristina, she said with a smile.

Oh Mom, Kristina moaned. Guess what happened.

Anna’s heart dropped. Now what! She might have known things were going too well.

What? she asked reluctantly.

You know my friends Jason and Tara? They asked me to babysit for them for a few hours this evening.

Yes, Anna prompted her when she didn’t continue.

Well, I wore my new boots and their puppy ate one of them. Can you believe it? The goddamn dog ate one of my new boots. Kristina sounded close to tears.

Oh dear, Anna replied. The really expensive ones you bought last week? I’m so sorry. Did you tell Jason and Tara?

My God, Mom, I couldn’t do that! It wasn’t their fault. How did they know the stupid dog would do that? I don’t blame them, but MY NEW MICHAEL COORS BOOTS!! The raising of her voice left Anna in no doubt about how upset she was with this turn of events.

Anna moved the phone slightly away from her ear and sighed. What was there to say? Nothing really. The boots were eaten. There was no putting them back together. It’s not the end of the world, Anna thought, but she knew that to her youngest child this was big, no not big, HUGE.

She said, I’m really sorry about your boots, love, but like you say it was nobody’s fault. I guess you’ll just have to get a new pair.

Yeah, well… OK. I’m just going to hang up now, Kristina said dejectedly. Talk to you later.

Then she was gone leaving Anna with the impression that once more she had failed in her motherly duties. So much for feeling good. Before she had time to settle back in her chair the phone was ringing again.

Stupid phone, Anna mumbled.

This time there was no indication of who was on the line. Just Private Caller. She thought it must be Gabe calling from his cell phone so she summoned up the smile she always saved for her children and answered. Wrong decision!

Anna?

Yes.

This is Pat, Alice’s caregiver.

Warning bells began ringing in Anna’s head. It was never good when one of Alice’s caregivers called her at this hour of the evening.

Yes Pat. How are you?

I’m not very good, my dear. I just had five police officers and an ambulance at my house because of Alice. I don’t think I can stand this anymore.

What did she do? Anna asked reluctantly bracing for the worst that she was sure was coming.

I have done everything for that girl, but there is no helping her. We had a lovely supper this evening, a birthday party for my daughter. When it was over and everyone went home we sat, Alice and I, and watched TV for a while and then we discussed some activities that she is planning. I guess I must have said something she didn’t like and she went downstairs, locked herself in her room and called the police and an ambulance. Before I knew what was happening they were all at my door. And that’s not the worst of it. I woke up last night to find her standing over my bed slicing her arms with a razor. Do you know how creepy that is? It’s not that I believe she will kill herself, I don’t. But, it’s very weird and makes no sense at all. This is not the first time she has done something like this, but it is the last for me. I don’t know what makes that girl behave the way she does. It doesn’t matter what you do for her it is never enough. I’m tired of it. I don’t think I can do it anymore.

For the second time this evening Anna didn’t know what to say. She had been through this countless times before, so many that it was impossible to keep track. Every time Alice