Naked & Not Ashamed: Hard Lessons but Better Choices

© 2013 Sabrina Nottage. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 5/9/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4817-4900-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-4899-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-4898-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013908083

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CONTENTS

I Believe I Can Fly

Acknowledgments

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1

The Long Way Home

Me

Chapter 2

What About Me?

Saving Sabrina

Chapter 3

Saving Sabrina

This Love

Chapter 4

Uncovering The Mask (Part I)

Hit & Run

Chapter 5

Uncovering The Mask (Part Ii)

Naked & Not Ashamed

Chapter 6

Songs Of An

Ugly Duckling

This Day Too – Will Past

Chapter 7

The Price For Change

Chapter 8

Price For Change Part Ii

Where Are All The Men

Real Men

Maturity

Chapter 9

I Come Too Far

To Thy Ownself Be True

Chapter 10

Challenging Transition

Let Go

Chapter 11

Pandora’s Box

Quiet Storms

Chapter 12

Pandoras’ Box Ii

Crossroads

Chapter 13

Take The Pain Out Of The Box

I Stand

Chapter 14

Unveiled Plans By God

Looking At Me

This Chapter

I Call You – Mother

Rising Above It All

As It Rain

A Prayer For You

About The Author

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

A butterfly is beautiful with many colors and that is the way I see myself: multicolored and beautiful as my name. I have many different attributes on my wings, which expresses my versatility, personality, character and my charisma. I am able to fly only because I have been in the cocoon —that is the purging, fire and pruning of my destiny—from a caterpillar to a butterfly. From being lock up, tied up, and in a shell for so long, to being an awesome creature with beautiful colors on my coat of armor, never seeing the layers of construction from the shell, but seeing the beautiful creature that God has intended for me to be.

Before a caterpillar can become a butterfly it must go into its cocoon and there it is made sure to soar beyond the white outer shield it represents. There it is being made and taken through layers of reconstruction and there it is being formed into something more than a worm, so that it can be beautiful as its name.

You can’t fly unless you are willing to go into the cocoon, because there in the cocoon you must also face death. A caterpillar while it is in the cocoon, doesn’t know if he will survive or not, because anything can come along and eat it while it is being made. Anything can happen while it is being develop, but while the caterpillar is in its’ cocoon it finally understands the purpose of why the cocoon was made; it is then that it realizes that it was intended to fly.

Written by Sabrina Nottage

In loving Memory of

Jerelean Alberta Williams Burns

George Nathaniel Burns

Granville Nottage

Princess Louise Forbes

Uncle John Alfred Burns

Aunt Irene Vasti Burns

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ from whom all blessings flow. For this wonderful gift that he has given me and for sticking with me throughout my whole life to prove to me that he is my only source of completion.

Thank you for the times I wanted to give up and the times that I couldn’t lift up my head you were my source and my strength during all those times. Thank you for my healing and the healing of others that you place in my life to be a part of this puzzle. Sweet Holy Spirit was my song of praise in a strange land. Thank you for being the Life giver of my life. Thank you for the wisdom, knowledge and the struggle through all life circumstances it was well worth the wait.

To my beloved mother who has been there for me through thick and thin. Mom you are a survivor and I am glad that you are my mother, because it is through you that I have become stronger in all that I face in life. To LaVon, Frank, Felicia, Will, Wilhemena, Latrese, Charles, Cassandra, Deitra, Dave and Willie for without all of you there would be none of me and I thank you all for giving me hope, help and happiness throughout the years, you will always be a part of me – no matter what we go through WE ARE FAMILY.

To my nieces and nephews: Amos, Veronica, Precious, Reniya, Ziporah, Zekyiah, Joseph, Alfred, Frankiel, Shaddasha, Wilcari, ShanDequanl, Keshawn, Shawnterria, Franklin Jr., Jasmine, Deoandra, Tranaria, Ranissa, Tyrese, Dummarian, Jamiyah, and Canira.

Thanks to all of my aunts and uncles on both sides of my family. I especially want to thank my Aunt Irene, Uncle John and Aunt Lenora who has been my parents during my growing process. Uncle John departed from us in 2008 and my Aunt Irene departed February 2011, but they will always be remembered. Thank you for your spankings, your generosity and your warm love it was always helpful during the times that I didn’t know any better. Most importantly thank God for all my cousins, We are a Big Family so I can’t name everyone and hopefully this book would bring us even closer to each other when we have our next family reunion!

To my church family: Ebenezer Worship Center, Inc. Bishop Ted Greer and Mother Mildred Greer Sr., Dr. Ted & Olivia Greer Jr., and Pastor Errol & First Lady Stewart (I love you all so much and thank you for giving me an opportunity to minister to God’s people). To the Core Group: (Sarah’s Daughters) Jonathan & Lillian Mends, Hattie Monegain, Benita Bard, Lesia Harris-Dixon, and Delia Baptist (Thank you for being my Sisters in Christ and spiritual friends that I can depend on) Love you all so much! Pastor Ron & Deborah Jacobs (you are as real as they come- nobody like you! Love you both so much. For being there to share our experiences and our pains for allowing me to see your struggles, triumphs and your walk in God which shape me into a better human being over the years for the Love of God covers a multitude of sins. A Special thanks to: Tracy Mongal, Mrs. Brenda-Riggins, Life Coach and mentor, the late Pastor Brunson, Vivian Nesmith-Smiley (Thank you for all you do and more) and Pastor Lawanda Samuel a good friend (Thank you for always making me laugh no matter how the day seem to go).

****Some names have been changed in this book to protect the identity of those persons that were in my life.

Dedicated to:

Trelanie, Carlton, Kambriel, Jeremiah, Shekinah and my grandson (Love you all)

And

To every person that would read this book who has a story to tell.

We are waiting to hear when you speak. This book is to help anyone that has gone through anything – realize their God given potential!

You can make it!

Sometimes we are more obsessed with our personal IDENTITY that it often overshadows God’s assigned DESTINY for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11). The journey to fulfilling God’s purpose for our lives was never promised to be an uneventful one. Life’s journey may be filled with tough challenges, disappointments, turbulence, heart-brokenness, personal failures and loneliness. Unfortunately, we sometimes allow life’s challenges to define our Identity not realizing all along God’s allowing the building of the character and the experiences needed to fulfill His assigned Destiny for you.

I am truly honored to be asked by the author of this great book Naked and Not Ashamed to write the Foreword. God sent this great, anointed powerful woman of God to our local church (Ebenezer Community Church, Homestead, FL) already full of the Holy Ghost complemented by extensive biblical knowledge, a past filled with pain, a testimony of Victory and a bright future in ministry leadership. Sabrina was immediately transparent with me as her new pastor about her personal history of mistakes, sin and pain and as a persistent victim of abuse. As I began to try the Spirit as Sabrina shared her story, my Spirit connected with hers. During our one-on-one private conversations, each time we spoke, God ushered His presence of love and compassion over me for Sabrina. I knew immediately she was God-sent and that I and our congregation were meant to be a part of her journey of healing, and evolving testimony of Victory ultimately assisting and guiding her on her way to walking and living in her Destiny.

This book and the chapters ahead reveals an honest and opened personal testimony of Jesus Christ’s love, forgiveness and compassion for His children (you and me). This book is a definite must read and a must share. As her pastor, I am terrifically proud of her growth and her love for God and people. Sabrina is now a Minister of the Gospel and a key member of our church’s governing Board and our spiritual leadership team. She has joined me in teaching and preaching the Word of God both internally and externally of our ministry, and is also leading our youth and evangelism ministries.

Sabrina’s past of sin and personal pain of abuse has not and will not hold her back of serving, worshiping and praising her God. She has obtained a personal and deep rooted spiritual strength through the love of her Savior and through the power of the Holy Spirit. I am proud to now join and support Sabrina in her journey as she presses toward the mark for which God has called her in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14) - ultimately fulfilling her Destiny while pleasing her God.

Join me now in this powerful read!

With all my love, respect and support,

Reverend Dr. Ted Greer, Jr.

Overseer, Ebenezer Community Church

Homestead, FL

International General Overseer

Fellowship of Christian Churches, Inc.

Miami, FL

I have known Minister Sabrina Nottage as a friend and co-laborer for many years. Sabrina has always been sensitive to the Lord. She’s honest with God. Therefore Naked & Not Ashamed has been her way of life with the Lord.

God knows everything about us. He sees everything (Psalms 139). Therefore if he knows all, then it’s best to be honest with him and truthful. God is love. He doesn’t stop loving us because of ugly things that happens to us. He can cause those difficult things to work together for our good.

Jesus knows what it is to be bruised. He can handle it, if we let him in; we can be healed (Isaiah 8:22). He’s a physician who wants to do a complete work. God wants us to have peace with our whole spirit, soul, and body.

I recommend this book to everyone because it shows how good God is in the midst of our lives. Test and Trials happens to all of us. We can trust God with it all, because he is trustworthy. Let the physician in, you won’t regret it!

Pastor Deborah Jacobs

I thank the Lord for this tremendous Woman of God, Minister Sabrina Nottage who has known the meaning of private pain, abused even in the hands of those who were supposed to love and guide her. Thank you for letting us into your world then and into your world now, may God bless you for sharing.

Minister Nottage was introduced to me during one of Sarah’s Daughter’s prayer meeting at my house over 3 years ago. Ever since that time, she has become a member of the Core Group which is the leadership of Sarah’ Daughters.

Sarah Daughters is non-profit 501 C 3 organization(s) reaching out to women of all ages. We come along side to help carry some of the burdens of life for women who are going through trials. We pray with and for one another and families, mentor women, partner with other ministries such as women shelters to assist with needs and provide assistance during the Christmas season to needy families etc.

Minister Nottage was our key note speaker for our first women’s conference in 2011 and did a great job in impacting lives in the conference. She is a minister of the word and also Director of the Youth Ministry at Ebenezer Community Church under the leadership of a great man of God, Pastor Ted Greer who is also Sarah’s Daughters Spiritual Father. She loves the Lord and is faithful to her calling of being a Minister of the Word and also a true Worshipper. I know her to be diligent, passionate and committed to whatever is asked of her. One can count on Minister Nottage to be a sister, a friend and mentor at the time of need. I thank God for her contributions to the operation of Sarah’s Daughters.

Lillian Mends, RN BSN and the Founder of MCNCR and Sarah’s Daughters, of South Florida.

PREFACE

MEMOIRS OF A SURVIVOR

GENESIS 1:1-31, 2:1-25

When you look at the water in the sea, it’s large in its multitude you kind of even wonder if there is an end to where the water stops. And as the ships makes its’ sail from one end of the coast to another, it takes smooth sailing and hopeful currents to get to its’ destination in tack. Even as the sun that beats upon my face and the sand that feels like silk against my feet; there my thoughts are calm because of the quiet waters all around me. Although, there are a lot of problems in our lives too big in number, there is peace even in the midst of the trouble sea. There are ships as well as trials that lead us from one end of the coast to another. And you never know how the weather is going to be each time you sail, but you have hopes that it would turn out the way you had planned.

As the birds sing with songs of expectancy, as the trees blow because of its life, and as the butterfly flies because of its freedom, then I rejoice with you always. I spoke to God today and I said to him, "God the birds don’t stop singing because of trials, tests and the trees does not stop standing or fail to produce fruits on its’ vine, because of a bad day; neither do the lilies of the field stop growing because its’ not satisfied with life. Everything that God has made, were made to rejoice in His creation and God has fashioned them to be what they truly are.

All that God has made were made to worship him. They were made to rejoice in his presence and they were made to produce the same of its’ kind. And since, God has made us in his image we are supposed to produce the same characteristics of God. To produce a child, is to produce life–in what God gave us– life. The word in the beginning, shape us into who we are —to who we were in the beginning. In the beginning, there, the spoken word was called into existence you were called before you were born. Before your mom and dad ever named you, God knew your name and he knew your address. I think about my children how they can come from my womb, too small to picture, but producing the characteristics of me as we produce the characteristics of Christ.

Have you ever look at a child once he begins to grow, you can see many traits and characteristics of their parents. Sometimes their eyes can look like the father and the nose can look like its’ mother and with seeing these things that is an indication that both parents recognizes that the child they have is theirs. Once we have been grafted into salvation, you must produce take on traits and characteristics of your heavenly father.

• Sometimes you often wonder why the cards of life fell a certain way that they have or why you had to be persecuted for a cause, but life chose you. You didn’t say mom I want to be born this way, and I want to have it like this, and I don’t want to go through that, because out of all the sperms that your father release (millions to one) to your mother, only one was produce and develop. Only one made it to the outside world and was uniquely made and set aside for such a time as this.

• A million to one someone would change the world with great ideas and new inventions. A million to one someone would change the nation because God knew before you were born who he needed to bring forth his change in the earth.

• There are many profound, interesting, and intelligent people, who are articulate in speech, genius in their professions, and philosophers in their own theories about life, but out of a million of those people, God would choose one, who is insignificant to an environment, who has sometimes had the worst of life and who isn’t looking to be popular among people. He would choose the least in order to impact his best.

• The Lord would chose the least in order to accomplish his will. He would choose someone that has a willing heart and a willing mind to go forth and do what he commands; someone that fears and believes in him. Just because there are intelligent, wise, smart, or phenomenal people in the world, doesn’t mean that God will use them to speak to his people, because if their stuck in pride, arrogance, or self-centerness and not willing to believe in God, then sometimes God has to take the least of those and use them to bring forth his power and purpose in the earth.

• Sometimes God has to embarrass the heady-high mindedness of people who think that they don’t need God or who trust in their theory more than the Supernatural manifestations that God is capable of releasing in the earth (Remember Moses and Pharaoh and the children of Israel). He doesn’t want to be limited in a box, or in a book, because he expands our time, our mind and even our limitations. He wants to go beyond our carnal thinking of him and see beyond the exterior of Christianity and His Love to see the Supremacy, Superiority and Sovereignty of His power, anointing, and Revelation of Him. His Spirit, His presence, His Anointing, His power and His Love supersedes our finite minds. That is why we must seek him and go beyond the gravity of time, space and our condition to see his purpose, plan and pleasure for our lives.

• Look at the many men and women of our past and present in history, whether it is the preachers, the doctors, the politicians, teachers, or even the athletes — out of a million of them only few made it. Out of the many children that are born in the world today only few are save, only few are athletes and only few reach fame. God is a giver of time, life, and purpose so whatever he has purpose for you and me to accomplish on our road to discovery will be reveal once we find out our purpose.

• Only one person was profitable to be born in the world to a woman called Mary and that is Jesus. And out of all the sperm eggs that could have been develop God chose you, he anointed you to go through. He has chosen you to bear the burden and the responsibility for his name and for his glory. It’s a privilege to be chosen because few don’t make it, but when God chose you, he had a plan that you already knew how to get the job done. He knew all about the sin, the mistakes you would make and the time you would be ready to be saved. But God also knew that once you got save, deliver and set free that you wouldn’t sell yourself short and settle for less. He knew that if he turns around your past and brings you into your purpose that you would preach his word with power and authority.

• God knew that you would take back what the enemy has stolen from you since the time you had been in bondage to sin. He knows that you would care for the souls, the ones that are battered and bruise, wearied and confused or lost and forgotten. God knows who to send in your path who knows just the right thing to say. He knows what buttons to push and how much love to give to claim you as his own? He sets up storms, circumstances and situations to convert your soul. He creates conditions in your path so that he can prove to you that he is able to fix every condition. Whatever you are going through in life this day remember that there is a reason and there is also a purpose. Come and journey with me as I take you into a place called hope.

INTRODUCTION

A s I wake up in the morning reaching for the alarm clock, I look over and notice that it is 5:00am in the morning. My usual Monday mornings are really tiresome because the weekends took all my strength from going different places for my family. So busy taking my mother and her friends to the grocery store or to the mall just so that they can spend the little chump change that they receive from the government. Normally my weekends are so busy, either I have my children over or have some little form of errands to run for my family members that don’t have a car or a license to drive anywhere. Time to take my sister to work, though half of the time she awaits me by hitting my feet or turning on the light, today I am awaken by my own alarm clock — me. I don’t have to be to work until 8:00am, it’s a sacrifice for me to awake an extra hour to drive her to the metro-rail.

I’ve been living with my mother for over a year now and I’m wondering would it be like this all the time. Fourteen people in the house in a five bedroom and two bath apartment, children are running everywhere and I can’t seem to find anything to wear. It’s like this every day. I had a problem with some of the children from the neighborhood that just invited themselves into my mother’s home without knocking. My mother never attested to the idea for those to give her any respect and to make them understand that they should be invited in, but if you don’t place a demand on it, then don’t expect the children to respect you for it.

There were many things that my mother had to work on when it came to people, because she was just too soft. The discipline that I receive over the years from my mother was far more than what these children receive nowadays. My mother needed help in discerning people’s motive and gaining respect from children that seemed to take her for granted. I was the right one to show her how to stop allowing people to walk all over her – so I thought. I had always been a good discerner of other’s people motives, but when it came to my own, I wasn’t as good, but that all change the minute I started going through my storms of life.

I remember when we first moved into this house it was a mansion compared to the hell hole we were living in on 43rd Street in Miami. It had five rooms, a big living room, upstairs and two bathrooms and finally a big kitchen compared to the size kitchen we had on 43rd Street.

On 43rd Street mom and the rest of us lived in a two-bedroom duplex. Frank, my brother had one room and mom, Cassandra, Willie, Charles, Latrese, Wilhemena, and Will all slept in the other room. I had just moved there after moving out of my ex-boyfriend’s apartment. We all had to pile up on the sofas and the bed-mattresses to sleep when I came to stay with her. You can actually hear the mice at night all scourging for a piece of food. This was the many nights that I had to endure while living with my mother in a tight situation, but we manage as best as we could. This was surely a test of will-power and trust in God to keep me from reneging and going back into the world. Sure you might say that I wasn’t ready, but my question to God was Do I really have to be here?

Finally after taking a shower and putting on clothes I manage to go to work in my Dodge Aries 1983, the one called Special K It was loan to me by my pastor when my car was repossessed. I have been going to this church since 1998. I met my pastor at another church in homestead after one day of hearing her preach I decided to join her ministry three months later. During this particular time, I remembered going through a lot of decision making and I was trying to find out where I fit in as a person and what would God have me to do in ministry. After joining the ministry two months later I became a minister. My journey of finding many missing pieces and broken dreams of years ago begin to be a calling to the unknown that I had to bridge in order to move forward in life.

CHAPTER 1

THE LONG WAY HOME

Psalms 68:6 God setteth the solitary in families; he bringeth out those which are bound with chains;

I was born on a Wednesday, in hot August at Jackson Memorial Hospital. My mother is the only parent that I ever known and for a long time I did not have a father in my life. My mom met a man name Alex in in the 1960s who you could say was our closest relative and became a part of our life from time to time.

My mother was born in Miami also but she is Bahamian descendant. My siblings were: Franklin, Felicia, Lavon, Will and Wilhemena. My mother told me that she fell with me one day outside of her apartment down a flight of stairs when she was just eight months pregnant with me. No doubt she said, "that Alex push her because he was upset with her. She also shared with me that at six months, I began walking and that was unusual for a baby to begin walking at that stage because for most babies they began walking at nine months or more, but she said she knew then that I had a purpose; she just didn’t know what.

Alex was a strange man but very handsome. He was with my mother for the first three years of my life and then disappeared after that I didn’t see him for a long time. Throughout my life Alex became a mystery and a piece of my puzzle that I had to put together because no one seem to have the answers that I needed to go forward in life as a woman.

I went to