Happiness : the Better Choice

Happiness:

The Better Choice

Raymond Mercier M.D.

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© Copyright 2012 Raymond Mercier M.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

Printed in the United States of America.

ISBN: 978-1-4669-2244-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4669-2246-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4669-2245-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012905683

Trafford rev. 03/29/2012

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Why I wrote this book

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

Why not be happy?

Dedication

To my patients

Who allowed me the privilege

Of being their physician

And

To my teachers and colleagues

From whom I have learned much

And

To my wife Miriam and

Children Claire, Danny and James

Who make my life worthwhile

And

To God Almighty,

The source of all happiness.

If this work be of men,

It will come to naught;

If it be of God,

You cannot overthrow it.

Acts 5: 38-9

Acknowledgments

I am grateful to thousands of patients who shared their tragedies, joys, sorrows and surprises with me. Knowledge is learned from either one’s own experiences, which are narrow and limited, or from the diverse vicissitudes of others. I have been privilege to be a voyeur of others’ life journeys, and this has taught me plenty about this experience called life. My college of life-long learning has been my clinical practice observing how others respond to all types of events.

Special thanks go to several patients for their encouragement, advice and criticisms. Thank you Joe, Linda, Ken, Craig, Sally, Scott, Mike, Cyndee, Ron and Dan. Their assistance in shaping the book is very appreciated.

Just the opportunity to intimately interact with others by itself will not produce knowledge. One must have instruction and guidance in knowing what to look for, the significance of the findings, and what course of action that is needed. I was privileged to be exposed to several outstanding educators in my psychiatric residency. In particular I want to thank Elliot Luby for sharing his wit, knowledge and compassion, Garfield Tourney for providing an extensive historical approach to psychiatry, and Shirley Dobie for her skill in teaching the art of psychotherapy.

Why I wrote this book

My son’s simple question prompted me to write this book. Seeing many sad persons in the shopping mall that hot summer Saturday, he asked: Dad, why are there so many unhappy people? I thought about that for a moment; I told him they were troubled with distressing thoughts that interfered with their happiness. Knowing I am a psychiatrist whose work is to assist troubled persons, he challenged: Can’t you do something to help them?

The purpose of the practice of medicine is to serve mankind. In my lifetime I am able to reach only a small number of persons in my office. To provide some practical and helpful suggestions to the many others I may never meet face to face, I have written this book.

More than forty case examples from my own practice, plus numerous other cases, are used to illustrate key points. Many of us will quickly recognize ourselves in these examples. This book is designed to help each one of us overcome distressing feelings, such as fear, anger, guilt, shame and loneliness, and without psychiatric medications.

To cure sometimes,

to relieve often,

to comfort often.

Hippocrates

1

Experiences

Most persons are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Abraham Lincoln

Happy. Content. Peaceful. Joyous.

OR

Sad. Miserable. Troubled. Distressed.

Are you aware that you have a choice? One might expect everyone would choose to be happy rather than sad, but actually many persons elect (perhaps unwittingly) to remain stuck on their distressing feelings at the expense of happiness. Might you be one of them? Just what does it take to be happy?

As a starting point, feeling happy requires being free of crippling emotions such as fear, anger, shame, guilt, sadness and loneliness. Each of these emotions results in misery. I call these the six thieves of happiness. It is a simple truism that when you feel bad, you do not feel good. This book focuses on these distressing feelings and how to overcome them. I will share with the reader numerous techniques I have developed over my thirty years of treating psychiatric patients to expell bad feelings.

When we are overwhelmed by intense emotion, we cannot think or reason properly. Our responses to stimuli become entirely emotional, thereby short-circuiting our problem-solving abilities. Emotion without thought results directly in action. This type of response, popularly called fight or flight, was described by the physiologist Hans Selye more than eighty years ago. Powerful emotions, such as terror or rage, are swiftly followed by impulsive behavior.

The Six Thieves of Happiness

Fear

A terrifying event will produce a prolonged fearful response. One sunny afternoon, A.B. found himself the victim of an episode of road rage. He was driving his commercial truck northbound on Interstate Highway 275 outside Detroit when a car traveling in the opposite direction was suddenly launched airborne, slamming into the hood of his truck. A.B. escaped unharmed, but the driver of the other vehicle was not so fortunate. After screaming in agony for two minutes, he perished—in clear view of A.B., who was unable to save him. (As it turned out, the cause of the accident was mundane and easily avoidable. Two drivers had sought to merge into the same lane at once, neither willing to let the other in first. Both sped up, and one vehicle rammed into the rear bumper of the other, sending it soaring over the median where it crashed.)

The image of the victim’s agonized face and the sound of his terrifying screams would haunt A.B. for months. Fear of encountering a similar situation prevented him from driving his truck. Several months of psychotherapy were needed to help A.B. cope with his nightmare. His mind had unwittingly reasoned that if a crash like that could happen once, it could surely occur a second time. To avoid a second mishap he stayed housebound where he was still tormented regardless.

Anger

Anger precludes happiness. When angry we think only of the injustice inflicted by others. We focus on what they did and feel like a victim of their wrongdoing. These angry thoughts produce angry feelings. By altering our thoughts we have the power to change the way we feel. We then are capable of changing our emotional responses. It is better to focus on our reaction to what others have done instead of their deeds. We are able to change ourselves much easier than changing others.

Guilt

Guilt will interfere with happiness. Avoidance of anything or anyone reminiscent of a guilt-inducing situation is a common response. A.C. was an attractive, well-mannered 18-year-old woman whose first sexual relation was with an aggressive man on their fourth date together. Plagued with guilt, she never wanted to see him again. Recognizing her virtuous character, the man asked for her hand in marriage. She was taken aback by that suggestion and urged him to leave. In response, he threatened to tell her mother what they had done if she would not consent to marriage. No, no, anything but that, A.C. pleaded. Soon thereafter they did marry. I chuckled as she told me this story. She asked, What’s so funny? I told her it is usually the other way around: she threatens to tell her father if he won’t marry her (she has given me permission to tell this vignette). A.C. eventually realized that avoiding her lover was her way of purging herself of the guilt of having premarital sex. Through therapy, she learned to be more forgiving of herself.

Shame

Oftentimes people feel shame not as a result of a personal wrongdoing but due to life circumstances beyond their control. Ben Hooper was born to unmarried parents and never did know his father. As a boy, he was regularly taunted because of his family status, and often chose to spend recess time alone. In public, he sensed that everyone was looking down upon him. When Ben was twelve, a new minister arrived at his church. Ben had developed the habit of slipping out of church early to avoid talking to anyone, but one Sunday the minister interrupted his departure. Placing his hand on Ben’s shoulder, he asked, Who are you, son? Whose boy are you? Ben felt the burning sting of shame as even his pastor seemed to be putting him down. But when he did not respond the minister flashed a knowing smile, saying: I know who you are. I see the family resemblance. You are a son of God. Patting Ben on the back, he continued: You’ve got a great inheritance. Go and claim it. Later, Ben would state that this was the single most important phrase ever uttered to him in his life. His entire self-image changed after receiving these comforting words. He would eventually be elected governor of Tennessee. Each of us has an inheritance to be happy and successful, if we care to claim it.

Sadness

Sadness sabotages our capacity for enjoyment and causes us to form a pessimistic outlook on life. A sad or discouraged person will distort the world by looking through his brown colored glasses making everything look like excrement. He expects everything to turn out badly. He needs to look out a different window to see the beauty of life. By altering his thought pattern using cognitive therapy skills he can improve his feelings.

Loneliness

Loneliness is a self-inflicted curse. According to Dear Abby, it is the ultimate poverty. A lonely person will shun human contact only to find the sense of isolation to be intensified. When we think of loneliness we usually think of separation from loved ones, but for many persons they are also separated from themselves and their feelings. Emotional loneliness is very painful. Such persons are strangers to hemselves. How can one be happy if one does not know what he wants?

Experiences

When an event elicits a strong emotional reaction in us, it becomes an experience. Experiences shape our lives and personalities by changing the way we interact with and interpret our environment. Past events will continue to influence our future lives. Past becomes prologue.

The significant emotional event can be a sudden or dramatic one, such as a death in the family. On her fourth birthday, A.D. received a beautiful new coat. Unfortunately, the first time that she wore it was at her mother’s funeral the following week. From then on, receiving new gifts made her feel sad. In therapy A.D., who was now an adult, came to understand that she was subconsciously associating the gift of the coat with the loss of her mother. As a child, she had believed that requesting the new coat had killed her mother, and though she later came to understand that the two events were not related at all, her youthful acceptance of blame had lingered, on a subconscious level, ever since. Sadness had become her punishment for desiring anything. Therapy allowed her to realize how irrational the link between wanting something new and the loss of her mother truly was. Since then A.D. has been able to enjoy receiving gifts. Two experiences may occur within a short time of each other, but that does not mean that the first led to the second. They are often coincidental, and not causal.

Sticks and stones may break our bones, but—contrary to the conclusion of the schoolyard rhyme—words can often leave a lasting emotional wound. Incidental, off-the-cuff remarks can often have long-lasting hurtful effects on their recipients. Each of us has probably heard discouraging lines such as You aren’t very good at this or You’ll never learn how to do this from an authority figure, such as a parent, teacher or coach, about a skill. As children, inexperienced in so many aspects of life, we can be highly impressionable and tend to accept what our authorities state at face value. Negative statements such as the ones listed above may just be an expression of the adult’s and not the child’s frustration, but they can prove prophetic if the child takes them to heart. They can become etched in the child’s cognition and accepted as universal truths without question. Victor Bloom, a psychiatrist, explains that people who utter these criticisms are usually referring to themselves: When one gives unsolicited advice, one only hears the problems of the advice-giver. The speaker is talking about his experiences and not yours.

Many of us find ourselves unwittingly repeating these unhelpful criticisms. At times, I find it necessary to turn to the Executive Teddy Bear I keep in my office. This ingenious creation will provide a confidence-building statement whenever its string is pulled. Examples include You’re on your way to the top, There is nothing you can’t do, and my personal favorite, You’re a winner: Teddy knows. This bear can help us become aware of the ways in which we unknowingly deprecate ourselves. My patients often find the bear to be very comforting in addition to humorous. You can create your own teddy bear by writing encouraging sentences on 3x5 cards and reading them when feeling discouraged. During my training period whenever I had a particular bad day I would resort to my collection of thank you notes from former patients to remind me that