The More Things Change, the More They Remain the Same: The Adventures of Sst

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, 

THE MORE THEY REMAIN THE SAME

The Adventures of sst

Tilawan

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© 2012 by Tilawan. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse   07/26/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4772-1915-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-1916-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-1914-0 (e)

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CONTENTS

PART ONE

PART TWO

PART THREE

Dedication

To all the people in my life . . .

. . . In Memory

Of my dear mother, Mrs. Alice Tilawan (1938-2010)

About The Author

Suleiman Saidu Tilawan known to friends by his initials SST, is the writer of the bestselling motivational book on power intrigues; The Laws of the Bosses.

Tilawan known to his friends by his initials SST, had witnessed the rigours of the wars in Liberia, Sierra Leone and the Sudan, he was also involved in conflict resolution of Bakassi Peninsula and that of the Niger Delta Region of Nigeria. The author holds a bachelors degree in chemistry and masters degrees in International Affairs and Diplomacy, and also in Law Enforcement and Criminal Justice. Tilawan had conducted several studies on international conflict resolution and the dynamics of human interactions

". . . seek ye the kingdom of Heaven"

Prologue

The book—as I waka for Naija: The More Things Change, the More they Remain the Same and The Adventures of SST, is a collection of positive comedy stories and inspirational excerpts to entertain and motivate the reader as he reads through.

It involves fictional characters; events and deals on the common happenings in the complex but interesting country Nigeria fondly called Naija by some of its citizens which are portrayed in some areas of the book as Namuland.

Nigeria’s unique way of doing things has been an issue of concern not only to its citizens who are long desirous of seeing a positive change but to the entire world as well which desires to see the great nation discards the shackles that is holding her from occupying her rightful place in the comity of nations.

The book consists of 3 parts; The More Things Change, the More they Remain the Same, The Adventures of SST and Inspirational Upliftment.

PART ONE

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE,

THE MORE THEY REMAIN THE SAME

IN 2007 SENATOR JOHN JASCO WAS OVERWHELMED WITH EUPHORIA ON BEING ELECTED TO THE NATIONAL ASSEMBLY IN NAMULAND AND ON ARRIVAL AT THE LEGISLATIVE COMPLEX WAS MET BY THE ‘INFORMAL CLERK’ OF THE HOUSE WHO WAS GIVING HIM HIS FIRST BRIEFING BEFORE BEING ADMITTED TO THE RED CHAMBERS…

You are welcome sir.

Oh Good morning… mmmh, I can’t remember meeting you here before, and who are you please?

I am the… well, what we call here, the informal clerk of the House, and my job is to let you know how things are really. I mean really done here sir, ok?

Oh? Thank You my dear.

How was the election sir?

Wow! It was not easy! I had exhausted all my resources! What would have become of me if I had lost the election? Thank God for His mercies!

No problem sir, you are here now, there are more of His mercies here than you can imagine! You are now at the living fountain of the showers of blessings, sir.

Really boy?

Of course, sir! But first let me acquaint you on how things are done here, so that you won’t waste effort where it is not needed ok?

Thanks, I do appreciate.

Yes sir, of course. Your first job here is law making, but don’t let the word ‘law making’ scare you senator… no need to waste energy doing what nobody even bothers to obey… So we fashion a good method to ensure you don’t waste your precious energy on what is not needed sir.

And what method is that?

Yes, you will always be given huge volumes of document with a silly notion that you go all through before a session. There is a nice drawer in your office, just dump them there, don’t bother to waste your energy reading through, right sir?

Really?

Of course! Nobody ever bothers to read through, so why should you? When you enter the Red Chambers look out for the speaker’s hands, when you are about to vote in a bill; when he raises the gong with the fingers pointing upwards, shout aye! Ok?

Aye?

Good, and when the fingers are pointing down that’s the time to shout nay! Got it sir?

Aye… sorry nay!

That’s good sir, and that is done! But that would leave you with a lot of good time for the most important issues of life! What is your menu like sir if I may ask?

Well, my wife cooks…

No… You won’t need a wife around here sir, everything is taken care of, tell her it is too busy to come over here, ok sir?

Why?

We have the whole new menu you need while you are here. You won’t need to be eating what you have been eating! Do you like continental or is it the special dish?

Well I don’t know… I take a lot of beans.

You are not getting me sir, I mean continental dish… We get them from the universities, that is why establishing a university was one of the first things we did when we came here.

Really?

Yes sir, we also have the special dish, we get them from across the border. They are more preferred because of their discretion. But you might also love the spaghetti. They have the soft bones, not really matured yet! But they cost a lot sir, because of all these human right noise going on about child abuse or whatever, so we have to look for safe houses for you whenever you need them. You understand me, senator?

Wow… I think I do. Yeah! Good menu!

Good, but of the local dish we only have pounded yam on the menu. Those with a ten year record of service to the House and well pounded are usually moved to that menu side. We normally retire them after a long session but for good reasons now we move them to the local dish side when they reach retirement age. It is a fast profession they are in, sir.

Mmmh… I think I will love pounded yam most times. But a little of spaghetti as time goes on, you know what I mean?

Of course I do sir! It is what most preferred too… being here long enough!

Yes, I can see that my son!

And lastly may I also advice you on how to spend your little pocket money? What they call the constituent allowance that is said you are required to put in projects for your constituency… or whatever! Just don’t let the term deceive you to do the wrong thing with your good take home, sir!

You call it take home?

Yes sir! It would come regularly and it is good you put it in real estate… and eh eh… I mean a year to the next election you might need to go and see how the people are faring back home, right senator?

Yes, my son!

Good! They would understand you have been busy… I mean representing them here, so at the right time we look for a nice location and dig in one or two boreholes to keep them happy back home, ok sir?

I am beginning to like your orientation my boy!

Of course you do sir… I will get the right press to be there when the time comes, and meanwhile don’t worry about the cost, we have the right boys to do the job. The machines won’t last long, maybe a year or so to last into the next election period. We can’t spend so much on such rural equipment when you have more important things for money here in the city, sir.

I am enjoying your talk… now I understand my boy!

Good I am glad you do sir!

But I hope I won’t have any problems with that… mmmh I mean the corruption thing; those anti—corruption agency boys!

Oh! Don’t worry sir. You are not the first to express such concern. You all do when you are new here. But at the end everybody leaves here happy and clean!

But about what happened to the last speaker… I heard there are changes here… there is a new law on corruption or whatever!

Ha! Ha! Don’t let that worry you too sir, you got lot of real good meal on the menu tonight to think about! There is always a new law here, sir and new changes of course! That’s how we keep the people happy and looking away! But all is well at the end sir… because the more things change here, the more they remain the same!

CAMPUS BOYS ARE THE MOST INTERESTING GUYS IN NAIJA . . . AND IN THE UNIVERSITY OF LAGOS, JIMMY, ONE OF THE CAMPUS BOYS, WAS OUT DOING HIS THING . . .

THE CHANGED GIRL . . .

Hey Jane, how are you doing?

Jimmy? Oh! I am fine! Thank you.

Can I talk to you for a while Jane?

Well Jimmy, you know I shouldn’t be seen standing around talking to you… I am a changed girl now. I mean am a new creature, now all things have passed way… including boys! I don’t want to be seen standing around talking to a boy anymore!

But that’s why I am carrying my textbook and opening it in front of you, everyone knows I need help with my academic work. It would only look as if you are coaching me… we can go and seat down on the bench nearby.

Ok Jimmy, but not for long please!

It’s alright Jane. I was just wondering if you can come and see me at my place for a little study.

You know, I won’t want to be seen in the boys’ hostels.

I don’t stay in the boys’ hostels anymore… I stay off campus now.

Well, I only finish my work at 7p.m in the evening. I don’t like walking in the dark.

They put on the security lights along the route these days.

I can’t walk the way out. I always have pains on my leg when I walk for long.

I have arranged with a commercial bike rider that knows my place to ensure he gets you there. You don’t need to walk a bit.

Oh Jimmy, but you know I love to read aloud, I wouldn’t want to go and disturb your flat mates with my reading habits.

I stay alone… nobody will disturb your reading there; there are no students in the compound I stay in too.

But Jimmy, I can’t come, it might be late when we finish reading and I might not get a bike back to campus.

I don’t see that happening, bikes are always around, but if that happens I have an extra new toothbrush at my place.

Mmmh… Jimmy, but it gets cold in the night and I easily catch cold!

I have an extra blanket that I never used too!

But you have just one bed and I can’t share a bed with a man… I told you I am born again… a changed girl now!

I know I do respect your feelings Jane. I always sleep facing away at the wall.

But I have to attend prayers by 5 am in the morning. I am the leader of our prayer group you know!

No problem, I will arrange for a bike to come pick you by 4:30. You will be back even before your roommates wake up. It is usually the time you return to your room after doing a ‘till day breaks’ reading in the classroom… right?

Ok Jimmy If I can’t make it; I will still come down to your place and inform you… I have to be going now. I shouldn’t be seen talking to boys… I am a changed girl now you know!

Yes I know, see you then Jane, I am going now, bye girl!

ON THE WAY…

Hey Jimmy my guy!

Yah Paul!

Saw you talking to that religious girl Jane… since the girl became serious with religion she changed her dressing, changed her character, she don’t talk to boys no more. In fact changed everything about her, how did you got to seat down and talk to her?

Well, you know Paul, things change here always in the campus… and from our experience we know the more things change the more they remain the same… Right?

JUST COMING OUT OF AN ACADEMIC BACKGROUND AS A LECTURER IN THE UNIVERSITY, IN 2003, MR JOHN AMINU YAMUZA WAS APPOINTED A MINISTER IN THE NEW DEMOCRATIC REGIME OF NAMULAND AND AS HE SAT IN HIS NEW OFFICE A YOUNG MAN FROM HIS STAFF ENTERED TO TEACH HIM HOW THINGS ARE REALLY DONE IN GOVERNMENT

Good morning sir.

Yes, morning, please… do I know you?

Sorry sir, I was away for an assignment outside the country when you assumed office. I am the senior personal assistant at your service sir.

Oh! You are welcome.

Thank You sir… mmmh it is normally my duty to brief newly appointed ministers on how things are done at the ministry sir.

Yes?

How was the confirmation hearing at the National Assembly sir?

My friend it was not easy, you can’t imagine how much it cost me to just get a few persons to shout aye!

That’s how it is sir… that’s why we always say democracy is an expensive system of government… but don’t worry, whatever you spend, you just planted a seed, sir.

A seed?

Yes sir… from now you are going to enter an endless harvest season. You get what I am saying sir?

Mmmh, well, maybe!

Good! I need to discuss something with you, sir.

Yes?

This morning as I was going through the files and I saw you approved 500,000 dollars for the annual conference expenses sir.

Yes?

That’s very expensive sir!

Very expensive? But the record showed the last time it was 765, 237.98 dollars that was spent by my predecessor.

Yes sir, the boys didn’t brief you well… mmmh it is when you get in too many zeros in the summation that it is expensive sir.

Too many zeros?

Yes sir, when the zeros are many it raises unusual suspicion. It looks like a cut up sum… sir!

How?

Mmmh… Well sir, when dealing with such figures for expenditures, you need to create an impression of showing you did a thorough ground check and arrived at an exact figure… So, in that case let us just put it as 867, 765.87 dollars. The least the zeros in your submission, the more realistic and less expensive it appear. It is not about the actual sum here sir… at this level; it is appearance that does the trick sir! And of course you know that we cant spend more than half of that amount for the event, leaveing you with some little change, sir!

Yeah, I think I love that! 867, 765.87 dollars is less expensive than 500,000 dollars! Right… good!

Yes sir.

Thanks… anything more you observed, my good friend?

Yes sir another thing… I saw you approved Estacode for only five people to escort you to attend the annual leadership course overseas sir?

Yes, I saw my predecessor approved Estacode for ten people. I can’t carry all these people along with me… how would it look?

It would look just normal sir, because you would be accompanied by just five also sir.

How?

Well sir, the other five Estacode is for two of the usual… mmmh should I say ‘comfort after a hard day’s work at the conference that would come along with you, sir.

Comfort after a hard day’s work?

Yes sir, we get them from our contacts at the university, they will leave the country before you do and wait for you at a hotel in London… let’s say a day before you leave? We don’t want you falling into the wrong hands over there sir. The five Estacode are to cover for their services.

But you say they would only be two, so why are we booking for five Estacode sum for them… can’t they have a piece of the sum of about 3,000 dollars for their… mmmh services?

You know sir… mmmh it is different when you are at this level, the eyes of the press is on you… You need to pay these little girls to mmmh… to open their legs… You know what I mean sir?

I think I do my son.

And you also need to pay them to close their immature mouths too sir! You are a big man sir. We don’t want some stories to go out and mar the good work you are doing for the nation sir!

So they get double Estacode for their efforts right?

Yes sir.

And the remaining one Estacode sum?

I said they are students sir… they needed to be in class by the time they are with you abroad—write exams, assignments and all that boring students’ stuff… we won’t want them to cover that from their take home pay, so the extra Estacode is what they would need to take care of their lecturers and colleagues that will assist with their class work in their absence… is it ok with you sir?

If you say so… that’s beautiful! I guess you are aware of how things go here!

Yes I am sir… this is my twelveth year here… advising all our new ministers sir.

Good I’m happy to hear that!

Sir, I also saw you approved the staff leave grant for the year.

Yes, I saw that the workers are being owed allowances for three years.

That is rather too hasty sir… they had been managing on their salaries all this while, a year or two with you here won’t kill them.

You mean we don’t pay them their leave grants?

Well, sir you may not get to do that… usually such allowances are paid when the labour union people organize one or two strikes. We won’t want the embarrassment then, so we would pay them if it happens. But the labour hardly does that in two or three years, so if you are lucky no strike takes place during your tenure, good, and no payment of leave allowances! But if they do, we can get the bank to release the money. But that would end up denting your large parting gift at the end of the day. So, we pray fervently against any strike for leave grants during your tenure sir.

So, we don’t pay when no strike is called for leave grant by labour during my tenure, son?

Yes sir!

I see, I see, maybe I was being too hasty as you said, thanks for educating me my son! Mmmh… my son, what is actually my work schedule here, no one really briefed me about what goes on, they just kept bringing files every morning, is that all?

Sir, you don’t need to worry about all that collation of papers, I will handle it. You only need to be giving us your signature once in a while, in the papers that really matters here!

What papers really matters?

Sir the contract papers!

Contract papers?

Yes sir, but some of the firms that would carry out your most important contracts would be your firms and that brings me to the most important item… You need to have some companies established but not in your name. We have some people that would lend us the use of their names for your companies… all that is to get things in order.

But what about the ‘auditors’ won’t they go through the papers?

Oh! I forgot to let you know, amongst the congratulation cards on your table; some are from the auditors themselves sir.

Yeah?

Yes, they are a part of the house too sir!

But don’t they change the auditors… I thought that is the normal practice?

They do that sir… But it is better for us here, because the more things change here sir, the more the situation even remains the same!

THE NO-NONSENSE MR KUMZA KAMANZA WAS POSTED FROM HIS FIRM’S HEADQUARTERS IN ABUJA TO TAKE CHARGE AND RE-ORGANISE THE BRANCH OFFICE IN LAGOS AND ON ARRIVAL HE WASTED NO TIME IN TRYING TO GET THINGS STRAIGHTENED OUT

FIRST WAS BY CALLING IN THE DIRECTOR OF FINANCE FOR A HARD DRESSING DOWN . . .

Director, I am sure you must have now finally accepted the true but hard realities that I am your new branch manager here, no more business as usual, understand?

No doubt about that sir!

And, you know I was posted from Abuja to the Lagos branch because you people are not making good profits here… right?

Yes sir!

And you must have heard of my reputation of being a straight forward and a no—nonsense man… right?

Yes sir!

Good! I have wasted no time in going through the records and there are some things I just don’t like… it looks as if you people have been playing with the company funds! My goodness! I need to make some quick changes if we are to move forward here!

And what is it sir?

I don’t see how three Mercedes Jeeps are kept as standby vehicles and money is spent on them daily when we are lacking equipment at the site!

Sir, one of the jeeps is for your wife’s use, the other is for what your children might love to use and the last, in addition to your official car, is for your evening leisure ride when you leave the office!

Ok ok director, I see… mmmh what about a certain one million naira being paid to a hotel for leisure? Is that not a waste of the company funds when we have dared operational needs?

Sir… that hotel is the best that offers what I call discreet night service… it is exclusively for your personal use sir.

Mmmh I see, I think am clear about that… But what have we got to do with the NYSC programme that the firm donates 100,000 naira to every month, is that not a loss of focus on your part?

Sir, the donation is to take care of the magnanimity of the NYSC Director in allowing you to make a personal choice at every orientation camp of your… mmmh I mean choice of three unofficial female confidential secretaries for the service year sir!

Ok ok ok, no need to waste time on that… Let’s go further please! And I saw a certain half a million paid to a catering firm to take care of staff lunch. How can we be spending so much a month feeding a staff of 500 men… aren’t they paid salaries!

I am sorry sir, I did that for record purposes, actually it is meant to take care of your family needs… I just added that under the general sub-head because of the need to hide the huge cost. I can remove it if you…

No, no! Don’t be too hasty young man! . . . mmmh, well, I think it is rather too early to start making too many changes here yet, let me go through the records and I will get to you later, have a nice day, director!

Thank You sir!

ON THE WAY OUT

Director, the new chairman has been looking for you?

Thanks Clement, I just saw him.

He seemed so annoyed this morning, anything wrong sir?

No cause for alarm Clement. They all seem annoyed when they first come to the office. But all gets back well when they settle down and understand how we do things here!

Yeah? What’s that sir?

Well, my dear young man… all I can say, we have been seeing new chairmen that come and go… and the more things change here, the more they remain the same!

GENERAL A A. AJUN; A LONG ADVOCATE OF CHANGE TO THE ARMY HAD JUST BEEN APPOINTED HEAD OF THE ARMY IN NAMULAND AND HE DID NOT WASTE TIME IN MOVING TO ACTION.

ON THE FIRST DAY; HE SENT FOR A MEMBER OF HIS GENERAL STAFF

Colonel!

Yes sir!

I am sure you are happy that I am at the helm of the army now… right?

Yes sir!

It will give us the opportunity to make the changes to what we have been complaining together for years… isn’t it?

Yes sir!

First; we will start with this old headquarters that we have been complaining about for years… it’s that ok?

Yes sir!

We will build a new headquarters at the site of this old one, good idea isn’t it?

Agreed sir!

But before then, we will bring down this old headquarters completely and use all the materials from the old one to build the new one… good thought, right?

Yes sir!

But first; we would need to renovate the old one to make it a little conducive ok?

Yes sir!

In that case; we will continue to use the old one till the new one is ready… How do you see that Colonel?

Great sir!

Ok; you can go Colonel.

Yes sir! Permission to carry on sir!

ON THE WAY ALONG THE CORRIDOR

Colonel Mamkura, the Chief been looking for you sir?

I have seen him, thanks Major.

Sir; what has he got to say? He seemed eager and motivated since he entered the new office sir… I think we are going to have some good changes like the rest sir?

Major, this is my fifth year and fourth chief I’m working with… They always bring their changes son… But always remember from an old buddy, the more things change here, the more they remain the same!

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE THE MORE THEY REMAIN THE SAME!

BAMI—KUTTAF, FONDLY CALLED BABA BY HIS FOLLOWERS WAS A BANKER WHO WAS LATER CONVERTED TO DEEP SPIRITUALISM AFTER A VISIT TO THE HILLS OF INDIA. HE RETURNED AND STARTED PREACHING FERVENTLY AGAINST THE ILLS IN OUR DECADENT SOCIETY. HIS CONVERSION TO SPIRITUAL UPLIFTMENT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ECONOMIC MELT DOWN REALLY; IT WAS JUST THAT THE PROBLEMS IN THE BANKS COINCIDED WITH THE TIME HE GOT HIS CALLING. HE CHANGED FROM SAVING THE PEOPLES’ MONEY TO SAVING THEIR SOULS . . . BUT THE MORE THINGS CHANGE . . .

AND THIS MORNING HE HAD A VISITOR

Shalom Shana Baba.

Shalom Shana my son.

Baba; I have a guest outside that wants to see you.

And who is that?

He is the director of the Guinness factory nearby baba.

What?! The devilish factory that gives out the satanic liquid?

Yes Baba, I am afraid so…

I am ashamed of you Ammon. Why bring such a sinful man here? You know; I don’t want to have anything to do with those people… You want to taint the soul of the Superior Master!

I am sorry Baba.

Mmmh… And what does darkness come to light for?

But darkness needs light Baba.

Mmmh; yes… You are right my son, maybe he wants to change from his evil ways, after hearing my great preaching, don’t you think so my son?

Very true Baba. No man can pass without being affected by your superior wisdom Baba.

Ok; let him in my son.

ENTERS THE MAN IN SUIT

Morning sir!

Shalom Shana my son, welcome to the presence of the Superior Master, you can seat on the mat by my right.

Thank you sir!

And what brought you to my humble temple?

Baba; I am your neighbour here.

Yes; I know my son. We had an issue with your company last year. You see; we are deeply spiritual people and do not want to have anything to do with liquor! Did you come in relation to my campaign to move out your factory from my district?

No sir, it has nothing to do with that.

Then what brought you to my temple?

Sir; I heard you are raising an appeal fund for a new temple?

In God’s name my son!

Yes sir, I came to let you know that my company wants to make a donation to the cause and…

Abomination! Quiet my son, it is enough! This is sacrilege! We can never have anything to do with satanic money, it is forbidden in our religion, that talk is enough to have your head! Did you come to insult me?

God forbid sir, I am sorry!

You need to ask enough before bringing such a proposal to my sight… and you Ammon!

Yes Baba!

You knew about this and you allowed him in?

Not really Baba, I am sorry…

Please sir, I am sorry too! I must be going; it was not out of a bad intention that the company sent me. We thought that we could assist your temple with a humble donation of 100,000 dollars, but since you feel strongly about it I will have to…

Of course we