Out of the Darkness: Into the Light

Copyright © 2012 Sophia C. Begay

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

ISBN: 978-1-4497-7157-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-7155-3 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-7156-0 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012919221

WestBow Press books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

1-(866) 928-1240

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

WestBow Press rev. date: 10/29/2012

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Family And Teecnospos

Early Childhood

My Father, Cowboy

Cowboy And Alice

I Am Abandoned By Alice

Alice

Abandonment Of Jones

Farmland

Our Neighbors

Teecnospos Boarding School

Another Baby Abandoned

Carol Abandoned

Ailments

Before Coming To School

My Brother Thom

The Betty And Mary Years

Betty

Jack Begay

Mary Lou Begay

Lost Life In Abuse

Sleeping Quarters

Betty Withholds Teachings From Me

Thom’s Visit

Thom’s Fight With Mary

Our Sister Carol

I Lost My Bracelets

Christmas Dinner At Angie’s January 1956

Precious Playtime Under The Trees

Trip Into The Carrizo Mountain

The Shiprock Boarding School Years

School Bullies

No More Navajo Language

Roll Calls

Dormitory 3

Tribal Clothing

Church Service Was Always A Good Time

Basketball Games, Movies And Dances

Christmas Plays

Navajo Spooky Stories

The Spring Of 1959

Christianity 1959

Betty And Mary Go Crazy

My Father’s Repentant Heart

Never Understood The Abandonment Of Us By Alice

Alice’s Older Sister

Peyote Meeting

New Shiprock Hospital May 1960

Home Alone Christmas 1960

The Sixth Grade Mr. Garner’s Class, 1960-61

My Last Year In Shiprock Boarding School

Achievement Awards Day

The Most Blessed Day Of Our Lives

Forgiveness As My Father Knew It

My Brother, Paul

Moving From Paul

School Out For Summer Break 1962

Riverside Indian School

The Rape

Mental Breakdown

School Refused To Send Me Home

Mental Shut Down

Being Thankful

Riverside Indian School Out 1963

Churchrock, New Mexico Summer Of 1963

John And Lilly Tso

Aztec, New Mexico

Christmas In Aztec

Farmington, New Mexico

Alice’s Hatefulness

Back In The Dorm

Back In The Classroom

Graduation May 1967

Dallas, Texas--1967 With Thom

A Man Named Larry

Meeting James And Linda

Sue And Carla In Texas

Pregnant Again

Life In Oceanside, Ca

Home To Teecnospos, Arizona

Rare Highlights And Comedic Moments

The Traditions And Culture Of Thomas’s Life

Furr’s Supermarket

Another Drunken Outbrust

New Job, New Friend

I Saw Lucy Again In 2002

The Squaw Dance Ceremony October 13-17, 1976

My Father’s Words Of Godly Wisdom

The Death Of My Father

Some Comedic Moments With Our Sons

Thanksgiving, November 1976

A Special Friend Named Claudette

My First Job In A Kitchen

Ben

The Dream That Set Me Free

The Beating That Ended It All

Medical Care

The Ophthalmologist

The Aftermath Of Divorce

Depression And Alcoholism

Freedom And Freedom Again

The Young Boy And The Snake

Christianty

Dreams Of Three White Churches

The End Of My Job In Colorado

Revival In The Church

Livingston, Texas

Glad Tiding Church Lake Charles, La.

The Prayer Meeting At Church

Back In Navajoland

The Name In My Bible Dee Anna

Baptismal In Glad Tidings Church

Back To Work

True Date Of Birth

Start Of A New Job

Carole Ann

John From Newcomb, New Mexico

People In Tribal Offices

The Most Wonderous Dream

Return To Louisiana

While In Your Own Pain, Reach Out To Others

Back In The Little Church

The Other Side Of Christianity

Another Rejection In Teecnospos

Another Church In Louisiana

Excuses

We Are Like Lost Sheep

Critics And Non Critics

Looking Back On Some Things

The Mentality Of Abuse

Forgiveness Of Family

My Precious Children

Life In My Children’s Homes

Retirement From My Job

Alabama

Travel Time

What Love Truly Is

To Know God And Be Ready For Heaven:

DEDICATION

I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who resurrected my life from ashes, who saved me and gave me eternal life. Without His guidance and His hand on this book it would have been impossible to write. He set me free and forgave me for all my sins. To God be the honor, the glory and the praise.

I dedicate this book to the memory of my father, Cowboy Denet Tsosie. He raised us children as a single parent that includes, Carol, Jones, Paul, Thom and me. He brought us through the bleakest and blackest years of our lives. He was the most patient and kindest man I ever knew. He held us together and he served God with fervor and boldness. He prayed endlessly for our lives and I am eternally grateful for it.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To my Children, Christopher, Carlos Tom, Joseph, Dee-Anna, Heidi Danielle and Summer Jaye: God meant for you to be my children, I love you all and I pray for you all every day. May you become blessed children.

To my Grandsons, Kirk Alexander, Chris Lars, Seth, Brett Christopher, Joseph Jay, James Luke, Israel Jr., Dominique Dante and my two Great Grandsons, Gabriel Ryan and Andrew James: You are all gifts of God. May you become a blessed generation. I pray that you all come to know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.

Thank you to West Bow publishing company as they patiently worked with me, even as we lost connections. God made it possible.

I want to thank my children Chris, Heidi and Summer. You freely took me into your homes, you made sure I ate healthy, and gave me a place to sleep. You have blessed me above and beyond. Thank you Heidi for tirelessly editing this book and helping me in big ways, Summer for your financial support and Chris the prayers you say for me daily.

I wish to thank a group of women prayer warriors from the Lake Charles Assembly of God Glad Tidings church in Lake Charles, Louisiana. I personally thank each one of you for your love, patience, kindness, for undertaking me and nourishing my soul. You have been instrumental in the teachings of Godly wisdom, whether it was mental, spiritual, or financial, you were there.

Thank you, Charlotte Hammonds, for taking me into your home and under your wings, you are my angel.

Thank you, Bill and June Cornwell, Louise Powell, and the Thursday morning women prayer group, for the anointed prayers you spoke into my life.

Thank you, Margie Fontenot and Jeannie Miller, for the godly wisdom and the blessings you bestowed upon my life. To Betty Lormand for clothing me in the finest clothing, you always seem to know what I need. To Linda Davis, Dorothy Cooke, Bobbie Thomas, Carolyn Anderson, Mary Jernigan and Thank you to Molly Ferrell for supporting me continually.

To Sarah Lora, of Lora’s Beauty Salon, for seeing to my hair and beauty needs.

Thank you to Jimmy Craven for your prayers for me.

I learned more than I can ever say. And I say to each one of you: I was hungry and you fed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was thirsty, and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you took me in Matthew 25:35.

Thank you to a group of faithful Native American Choctaw Christians Indians from Broken Bow, Oklahoma for the camp revival in the year July 2001. It extraordinarily resurrected my life inside and out, I shall never forget it.

Thank you to the small group of Coushatta Indians of the New Testament Church of God church in Elton, Louisiana. It all began in your church.

Thank you to the First Wash Assembly of God church in Shiprock, New Mexico.

Thank you to Pastors William and Virginia Lee for patiently and kindly teaching us about God in the Navajo and English language. Don’t give up on us.

Thank you to Pastor Randy Joslin, Nick and Lisa Higgins and Mark Johnson of the Oasis Assembly of God church in Farmington New Mexico for your prayers.

Thank you to Pastor Bobby Harjo of the Beclabito Baptist church on the Navajo Indian Reservation for the countless sermons and prayers you spoke into the lives of incarcerated Inmates at the Shiprock jail. Your time was never wasted. May every word of God you planted there, be receive. I pray that you never give up on ministering to the lost no matter what. Keep going in the name of the Lord.

Thank you to George and Linda Henson for the honor of taking me into your home in Sedro Woolley, Washington and the mission trip to San Luis Mexico.

Thank you to my friends in Shiprock, New Mexico, Woodrow and Victoria Dixon. Thank you for the countless times you fed me, prayed for me, gave to me generously, and nursed me back to health when I was sick. You always knew my needs.

Thank you to Joe and Lillie Begay, for your generosity in loving me and blessing me as a daughter and sister in Christ.

Thank you to my friends, Pastors Steve and Laura Nordstorm, of Kansas, for mentoring to me about Jesus.

Thank you to Pastor Ray and Rachel Jones, Glenda and Gail Jones, Joyce Morse and the Johntown Baptist church in West Blocton, Alabama, for the warm welcome in your church. I was humbled by it. I shared with you what God had done in my life and I pray it has encouraged you. Thank you for letting me sing the Navajo gospel songs no matter if I was off key. I wanted to be a blessing to you and that you would experience the personal presence of God in your lives. It will enrich your lives because it’s real. You will want nothing else.

Thank you to Jon Peebles, Bob and Sandy Daniel for your love and kindness as it exuded from you continually into my life. You tirelessly took me to my doctor’s appointments and cared for me as true friends. Thank you for that fried green tomatoes, sweet potato pie and southern fried chicken. That barbeque was the best.

My favorite scripture: Isaiah 1:18 Come now, let us reason together says the Lord, though your sins are as scarlet, they will be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they will be like wool. (NASB)

FOREWORD

Our God

Water you turn into wine, opened the eyes of the blind

There’s no one like you, none like you

Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise

There’s no one like you, none like you

I was blessed by the words of this song, as we sang one Sunday morning at Glad Tidings church in Lake Charles, Louisiana. From this song came the title Out of the Darkness (into the light).

The writing of this book was born in 2009. At my last job, I witness many heart wrenching domestic violence. Many people were suffering from the ill effects of consequences of bad choices they made. I longed to reach out to them to comfort them with a word of God.

I fed them lunch; I gave them clothing and money but it was not enough. It was their spiritual lives that I wanted to touch upon. I wanted to tell them God still heals. He still does miracles. That He loves and cares for them. One day my friend, Victoria, exclaimed, A book! With those words in my head, I pondered, mulled and chewed on it for some time before I received it in my spirit. So it began.

It was not as easy as I envisioned it to be. I had to be willing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Ultimately, this is the only way I could speak out to multitudes of people. For what is burning in my heart, for the hurting and the lost. To share and introduce to them to a loving, caring God. To tell them God loves them so much, that He sent His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for them. They can freely come to Him for healing and salvation. Many people see incarcerated people as incorrigible and a waste of time but God doesn’t think that way. Neither do I, no one should.

When my friend, Victoria Dixon, blessed me with a computer and she set it up for me, I knew it was time. In the beginning of the book what I began writing was disconcerting and I questioned myself if I could even do it. Doubts would creep into my mind even so I began to write. It did become hard and I got discouraged many times. I came to the point of breaking down and sobbing all night on revisiting the darkest moments of my former life. Some moments were hard to write because it renewed the pain in my heart. This process forced me to see the stark ugliness of my sinful life. Until recently I never share with anyone the abuse I was going through. Surely not in my workplace not even with people I drank with or people I met in churches. Many people witness certain scenes but most of it was behind closed doors.

Every time I felt discouraged I reminded myself what I was doing it for and keep to going. I had to think of others, not myself, and remember that God is with me, He is not willing that any should perish. It became lighter and easier. The more time I spent writing, the more I began to see and understand the chaos of my life. I clearly saw the cause and effects of it. Amazingly, it began a healing process in my mind and heart. I truly didn’t expect that.

I also began to see the horrible impact it had on my young children. I realized I wasn’t the only victim that my children suffered also. I am glad for the sake of others that God has enabled me to go back into my former life, no matter how bad and painful it was. Many times I had to reconstruct my stories through certain individuals, but I stayed close to true and actual events. There are some names I changed to protect certain individuals and/or their children.

This is my story and it is a true story. It makes my life an open book. I have written it to the best of my memory. Basically, this story is about a life without God and a life with God. It is also about my own personal relationship with my biological parents. The way I saw their lives exclusively; it is solely my opinion based on a close or a non-existent relationship with them. I share no one else’s views, comments or opinions. It is as I saw it.

The intent and motive of this book is to reach out to people, never to judge, condemn or accuse, but to make things right. It is my intention to help people deal with the same problems I had, for them to see how I dealt with it. This is still the life of many people today. I longed to help them, but I needed to help myself first. By speaking out I want to spare people the heartache of walking through needless pain. To divert them from the foolish path I tread.

I write from a place of experience and I learned that hidden areas of my life are forms of bondage. It kept me from living a peaceful life of true freedom which is not possible without God. Exposing those areas was embarrassing; although, I am no longer that broken person. Reliving the horrible pains of verbal, emotional and physical abuse in my life was like turning on a light switch in a dark place. Suddenly you see cockroaches running for cover. The memory of it remained buried in my mind only to resurface and cause havoc in my life time after time.

My early experiences of abuse remained a powerful influence on my maturing brain. The repeated abuse in my life was caused by neglect and abandonment. They manifested themselves in bad choices I made throughout my adult years. Many times I didn’t want to live, but yet I didn’t want to die. I lashed out at life explosively and radically, blaming the world for my misery and not being responsible for my own actions. I didn’t know how to deal with the pain or even try to explain it.

For years I lived a humiliating, demeaning life, there was no moral ethnical values instilled in me to draw strength from. Except for the times I was briefly reunited with my father. I would try to remember what he last said to me. That he loved us (his children) no matter where we were. I never question his love for us, I just believed he did and I clung to those words. If I can help even one person with my story it will be all worth it.

When I came to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ for forgiveness of my sins, I learned that a wonderful life with Christ was possible. I realized this is what my father experience when I saw the visible joy and peace on his face as he talked about God.

Today there are many women and men trapped in abusive marriages and relationships whether it is verbal, physical or mental. However, it is not always the men abusing the women, there are many women abusers who prey on men. It is just as pathetic and pitiful to see.

I am not a highly educated person so I use the simple terms and words of the English language and never perfume it. Many times I was encouraged by the incarcerated inmates that identified with my life. I felt I became a voice for them. I’ve always been a behind-the-scenes worker and in my last job people seemed to take their secrets to the back room. There I have seen all kinds of corruption committed by high ranking, college educated officials both male and female. They have highly attached names in respected work places.

Even so, I see that it is the ‘little people’ that carry the heavy workloads and they are the ones to clean up the messes from upstairs and still get blamed for the bad news. I learned that being college educated may make you book smart but it does not necessarily make you a wise person. I used to be impressed by their intelligence and now I see that they are just ordinary people. Like any ordinary people prone to corruption that is brought on by the lust in their eyes. Without God in their lives, people in high places hear and listen with their eyes; therefore, they are not sensitive to people in great need. Of course, there are some exceptions but I am getting ahead of my story.

FAMILY AND TEECNOSPOS

I am an elderly Navajo woman from the small community of Teecnospos, Arizona. I am grateful to have been born into the Navajo Tribe of Arizona, where I am a member of the Teecnospos chapter. Although I am proud to be a Native American Navajo Indian, I am blessed to be a born again Christian.

I grew up in and around the small Navajo Indian village of Teecnospos, Arizona. Teecnospos means cottonwood trees in a circle and there are plenty of cottonwood trees. Four miles east is the New Mexico state line. Five miles north of the village is the site of the Four Corners monument. This is the only place in the United States where four states come together at a point allowing a person to stand in Arizona, New Mexico, Utah and Colorado all at once. The monument can be seen amid rock formations that jut out at every angle. Its arid landscape filled with a variety of shrubs, grass and boulders.

In the olden days my father used to take us there and while he cleared shrubs and did general cleaning we used to jump from rock to rock and catch lizards. We ran and screamed when my brother, Thom, slid one down my shirt. My father would just grin from afar. Today, the Four Corners Monument is much more modern. The dilapidated wooden shacks were replaced with cemented booths. And the points of the states are made more visible and accessible. You can see cameras and phone cameras flashing daily.

The Carrizo Mountain lies on the south side of Teecnospos. Navajo legend says the Carrizo Mountain is the leg of the Chuska Mountain which is situated in New Mexico. The sleeping Ute Mountain visibly lies to the north into Colorado. The monument attracts tourist from all over the world on a daily basis.

Local Navajo people use this opportunity to ply their handmade arts and crafts. Displays of beautiful turquoise and silver jewelry line trays in each booth. An array of exquisite beaded jewelry, multicolor t-shirts and life-like drawings filled the shelves. Intricate hand-made sand paintings hang from hooks. The smell of the mouth watering, ever-popular Navajo fried bread permeates and lingers in the air.

One-eighth of a mile north of the monument runs the San Juan River, where we used to build a fire on the riverbank with my father and cook out. We would splash around in the river and afterwards we lazed in the shade of the trees. Teecnospos is also the childhood home of former Navajo tribal chairman, Mr. Peter McDonald.

One afternoon, Jones, my three young sons and I decided to cook out by the river. We asked my father if he’d like to come with us. He asked, Where are you going to cook out? In Navajo I told him, We are going to cook out by the big water (‘river’ when spoken in Navajo a river is big water). With his sense of humor he looked at me wide eyed and said, "By the ocean? The place where the war is? (overseas) We laughed at his joke while he chuckled to himself.

Like most small reservation communities, the humble village of Teecnospos consists of a US Post Office and a trading post run by the Mormons since its beginning. The Mormons still run many of the trading posts scattered throughout the reservation. The first trading post was built sometime in 1905 and it burned down in the1959. A new trading post was built and relocated atop the hill near the main highway. A trading post on any Indian reservation is like a small typical store. Most traders and customers deal in trading, selling or pawn items. Foods sold here consist of fresh and frozen foods, except the prices are higher than stores in town. The trading post is also the social gathering and meeting place for many people. Since people’s homes on the reservation are far and wide, this is where you can find just about anyone.

There are no street addresses in Teecnospos. One may get directions like, turn by the blue house, there is a tire on the side. It is challenging and most roads leading to homes are not paved. The rain season although rare, means mud and lots of it. The winter brings snow and melted snow brings more mud and dust storms are unpredictable but they come.

New rentals houses dwell near the school. A boarding and day school for Indian students, funded by the Bureau of Indian Affairs is still in operation. The local chapter house is funded and run by elected officials of the Navajo tribe. It serves as a public assistance office for the local people. A new hospital was built twenty five miles west of Teecnospos in a tiny village of Red Mesa. It replaced the small clinic that was used for many years. The newer hospital is better equipped to handle the needs of medical emergency cases. That completes the village.

EARLY CHILDHOOD

My earliest memories of childhood include waking up cold and hungry and going to bed each night the same way. I could never get warm enough, like the cold swept into my bones and kept it on chill. My stomach never felt even half full most of the time. I was born a fraternal twin and I was a bony unattractive child and insecure like many others. I always felt something was missing in my life that never righted itself,