The Accidental Bank Heist: How to Rob a Bank Without Really Trying

© 2012 by Judith Slaughter. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 11/16/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4772-9068-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-9067-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-9066-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012921415

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Contents

1.   Finders Keepers!

2.   Bad Boys

3.   The Lady Jeanette

4.   Diamond Noah

5.   Delicious Detective Walker

6.   Devious And Deadly

7.   Lone Wolf

8.   Tell Me No Lies

9.   Calamity Claire

10.   The Puzzle Piece

11.   Prince Of Darkness

12.   Wicked Web Weaving

13.   Liar Liar

14.   The Devils Due

15.   Mickeys

16.   Moving On

17.   Escape To Europe

18.   Loose Ends

19.   All Buttoned Up And Beautiful

A Wild Goose has never reared a Tame Gosling.

Book Dedication: To my dear Norman… .

the fundamental things apply.

CHAPTER ONE

Finders Keepers!

SUNDAY EVENING

Jeanette Pierre walks around the lake every evening planning her next day and reflecting on the events of the present one. She has never done anything dishonest in her life, well maybe a couple of affairs but never stealing. But, tonight she will throw caution to the wind in monumental proportions.

A black car screeches to a halt, a man jumps out and stuffs a canvas moneybag in the oleander bushes by the park! With eyes like saucers, she slips into the shadows, not close enough to see his face but her ability to identify incriminating factors is on steroids. The car speeds away as her big blue eyes scan the area. Not a soul in sight. She roots in the bushes and looks inside the bank bag. Her heart thumps at the realization of the contents. A Bank money shipment still in cellophane wrappers! How on earth did they get this? Her adrenaline kicks in as she hefts the heavy bag into her arms and proceeds back home as quickly as her little feet will carry her. Unlatching the gate, she hides the bag behind the trashcans. Calm down Jeanette! Pulling the gate shut with her shining eyes darting madly about she realizes only two mallards nesting in the park are witness to her dubious actions. Now Police cars are hurling toward the freeway, sirens blaring. A helicopter sputters overhead. Heart pounding, she leans against the gate as lightning speed thoughts flash through her mind. It’s Sunday evening but somehow they robbed my bank! Why rob the bank and then hide the money in the bushes? It doesn’t make sense. They must be planning to come back for it. Big mistake boys! I have it and there is no way to trace this money to me. The Bank C.E.O. just got an eighty million dollar package after driving the bank stock into the ground and trashing my 401K. Why did they reward him? I’m only rewarded when I make my goals! So they have different rules for the big guy, eh? Gentlemen, the rules just changed. Such an ordinary day, who would have thought it was restitution day! This is my golden parachute. Why not? All I have to do is figure out how to hold on to it. I can do it, why should I feel guilty? I didn’t steal it… it just dropped into my lap like a heavenly gift, I’d be a fool to let go of it… .

A creature of habit she continues her walk. October is nippy in the evening, the heavenly fragrance of Plumeria, Eucalyptus, and Pine permeate the night air as she moves briskly along on the inside perimeter of the complex. Lake of the Woods is very safe; however, she carries her pepper spray and a little pink Swiss army knife just in case. She has never seen anything wilder than a two-legged wolf with a dog on a leash. She walks along her regular route for forty minutes. When she returns home to ‘Dolce Villetta’ all is quiet. Claude is sound asleep and the big house is in darkness except for the small answering machine flashing light. The message plays back a booming voice, Officer Bruce Tucker, Lake of the Woods police. Mrs. Pierre, your bank was robbed, please return my call immediately.

His gruff voice and demanding tone sends shivers up her spine. This is the part she fears most, the robbery part. She has been in many robberies, so far, no one has been hurt. Every time she vows to quit this ridiculously dangerous job, but, then just like earthquakes, time passes and one forgets.

What to do! She retrieves the bag and hides it in a garage cabinet behind the Christmas decorations. With trembling hands, she fills the teakettle; thoughts ricocheting through her brain like a hundred tiny pinballs. Think Jeanette, you must have a story. Why talk to the cops tonight? Better to be cool and collected and wait until morning. They will follow procedure, the police will pull the call list and Willy is first up. She is likely there now! What could I add to the dilemma? Of course, I am the manager and have a duty to provide moral support to my team, but I need time to sort out my thoughts. The kettle whistles as she absently places a tea bag in her favorite china cup. Claude didn’t hear the phone or just didn’t answer… he often does that. She cuddles down in her leopard lounge chair, story, hum, where was I tonight? Let’s see, I came in from my walk, didn’t notice the message on the phone… and… the telephone jangles… . it’s Willy Ann. Damn. Don’t answer Jeanette. I can’t go to the bank right now they will have a million questions. Hell, I have a million questions! How did they get into the vault? There’s a time lock, maybe they got in before the girls locked up on Saturday. No, they wouldn’t have waited until Sunday night to tell me! Maybe they forced one of the employees to stay… . one person can’t open the vault… but if it was never closed… . Maybe they kept Margaret and Willy, perhaps the vault was never locked… no, it would need to be locked by seven o’clock or the alarm would ring. Perhaps they got in and out before… no… damn, I wish I knew what happened. How could they rob the bank on Sunday? I wonder if anybody got hurt, stop it, speculation is a waste of time! I shouldn’t be here, what if Willy comes by? I better go to the market, that’s it. Do we need milk? Plenty of milk, but I need cottage cheese, bran muffins… Tylenol PM.

The market is almost empty at this time of night, I will pick up a few things and drive by the Bank on the way home… . The bank is lit up like a Christmas tree, cops everywhere… I better get out of here, I’m not ready for them yet. What the Hell are you doing Jeanette? I must take that money to the bank in the morning. If I do, what will I tell them? I found a bag of money. Where did you find it? How did you find it? What did you see? Why didn’t you call us immediately? Were you planning to keep it? The F.B.I. will interrogate me and I will crack like an egg! I should put it back where I found it, this is crazy. No, why should I? I’m sure nobody saw me… . all that money… . I’ll just go home and have a strong gin and tonic and cuddle with Cleopatra on my chaise. I’m in the thick of it now. It’s time to Plot and Plan!

Cleo greets her as she enters the kitchen. She puts the groceries away then rubs the purring cats ears, Yes, my black as sin darling. You are my gorgeous furry secret keeper and I have a whopper for you tonight. The house is in darkness, the damn phone rings again… Willy’s excited voice fills the dark room,

Jeanette, where are you? The safe deposit area was burglarized, they got a lot of money and emptied Mr. Siegel’s box. I’m home now… . Damn it, I hate talking to machines! Call me, I’m going in early to meet the auditors and the F.B.I., they left armed guards in the bank all night. I don’t care what time you call me back, just call me, trust me, I won’t be asleep.

Good. I wonder how much money is in that money bag. I’ll find out soon enough, it looked like all hundred’s. That would be sweet. Thank God Willy’s home and nobody was hurt. Willy has been through robberies before, she’ll be fine. I’ll go to the bank early tomorrow morning, not a good idea to talk to anybody right now. I need to unwind, enjoy my drink, take a Jacuzzi bath and have a deep snuggle in my big fluffy bed. Yes, that’s what I’ll do, I have to be well rehearsed for the F.B.I. and my plan must be perfect!

Wilamina (Willy) is a no nonsense bank officer who rarely completes a sentence. Just too busy for chat! Multitasking is her way of life; she has good instincts, never misses work and seems to have eyes in the back of her head. Makeup is not a priority, lipstick when she thinks of it or when Jeanette reminds her. She wears her thick brown hair in a tumble of curls and her pale amber eyes miss nothing. She eats her lunch on the fly usually running around doing her personal chores. She spends her evenings at home with her husband and teenaged daughter and rarely attends social functions outside her church. Dependable, predictable… Salt of the earth. So very unlike her social butterfly boss.

The house is perfectly quiet, even the pesky ducks on the lake have turned in. Jeanette has no trouble falling asleep.

CHAPTER TWO

Bad Boys

Minutes after the robbery, Jackie Collins, Hector Rodriguez and Billy Wilbert pull off the freeway and quickly disappear behind a large industrial complex adjacent to the John Wayne airport. They successfully lost the police and evaded the Helicopter. Amazing luck!

JACKIE Collins is the ringleader. A rough, tough cream puff from the mean streets of Hollywood, Jackie has always wanted to be an actor. He has the looks, the ability, the ego, but no patience. Johnny Depp is his idol, but unlike Johnny, impatient Jackie couldn’t stay out of trouble and concentrate on his craft. Jackie’s a consummate con artist, intelligent, charming and manipulative. He is an opportunist and a habitual liar who stars in his own head.

HECTOR Rodriguez is a street gang criminal, plastered with tattoos. His face tells the tale of his many knife fights in and out of prison. Hector is the guy you never want to meet in a dark alley! He has gangland connections and drugs are his game. Hector ruins more lives in a week than Al Capone did in a lifetime!

BILLY Wilbert is a big, brawny black boy from east L.A. He had a chance at a football career, drugs made it not happen. Billy is angry, bitter, dangerous and simple minded… but, he does as he’s told.

None of them trust each other. They are hardened criminals who met in San Quentin. Billy and Hector were gang members, low life drug runners, taggers with little ambition and limited abilities. They looked up to Jackie; he had fencing connections and ran his own show. He considered himself an expert on home invasion, he could crack any safe and security systems were his specialty. He bragged to them how in broad daylight disguised as a window washer or a pest control employee, he would enter unnoticed and rob the place blind. He played down how he had overreached and ended up in jail for a smash and grab jewel robbery in the Galleria Mall. He knew his mistake and when he got out things would be different. Gradually he convinced them he knew how to pull off a bank robbery. They were all going to get rich. True, the caper had been easier than they dreamed. Now all they had to do was lay low… except they hadn’t planned for the one snag… . they had to go back and recover the money!

Jackie is the thinker and considered the ‘Brains’ of the outfit. He planned the entire heist, a legend in his own mind he’s now orchestrating the finish.

We got away, all we have to do now is ditch this car and go back and get the loot.

I don’t get why you threw it out in the first place, why’d ya do that Jackie?

Billy, just shut up and do as I say. If we had been caught with that money we’d never see daylight again. I do the thinking and I know what I’m doing. We need to switch cars and go back and get the bag. It will be right there safe in the bushes waiting for us. I’ll park behind these empty office buildings and we can get some sleep. There still may be cops cruising around, there won’t be in a few hours.

Hector was jumpy…

I think it’s dangerous to hang out around here, too much activity at the airport.

Exactly, nobody is paying any attention to us. All we have to do is case out some guy leaving town, he ain’t going to miss his wheels till he gets back from his trip. Like I said, let me do the thinking, I’ve done pretty well so far haven’t I?

I don’t like it Jackie, this neat conservative county gives me the creeps. Cops don’t put up with anything around here and we sure as Hell don’t want to get caught in this town.

"That’s what I like about it; they’re all so very nice and so naïve. Hey, they’re the hard working Capitalists who make the money for us to steal so don’t hate them too much. Relax, in a couple of hours we’ll snatch some wheels at the airport, go back, and get our booty… .

Hector was agitated,

This wasn’t the plan. We were supposed to split up the money and part company. You’re too squirrely for me, that cop in Glendale was all you Jackie and there’s no way I’m going down for it. This was going to be my last caper. I should be in Mexico by now, I got guys to meet, things to do.

Hector, keep your shirt on, the first thing they probably did was alert the border patrol. L.A. is the safest place for us for a while. Hiding in plain sight, I’ve done it for years, trust me, I’m a pro. Besides, I couldn’t fence diamonds in Mexico and neither could you. Just cool it for a couple hours, I got a plan. Leave it to me.

Billy was thick as a plank but he knew he didn’t like Jackie’s plan.

Jackie, did ya notice so far you’re plan ain’t goin so well?

Two hours later Jackie drives into the John Wayne Airport parking lot,

Jackie, you’re crazy man, there’s cops all over this place. You live too dangerous for my blood.

Hector, see that guy with the brief case, grab his Cadillac, it will be fast… . let’s go.

Caddies are hard to get into without my tools man. How about we boost that Dodge pickup with the crew cab?

Whatever. Just be damn sure it’s full of gas.

Hector hot wires the truck, Jackie climbs in shotgun, Billy struggles into the crew cab and immediately they start arguing. Billy thinks he should sit shotgun, he’s too big to be cramped in the small back seat. Hector wheels the truck south onto the 405,

Shut up the two of you. Jackie, why did you toss the money? That was really stupid. We should have split up by now instead of going on a wild goose chase.

I heard sirens; did you want to get pulled over with the money in the car? This is better, nobody will think we would come back here, they’re probably looking for us in San Diego thinking we headed for Mexico!

They silently head back for Piney Trail. Its eleven o’clock and the streets are deserted. Jackie’s eyes are shining pinpoint black stars, his adrenaline’s in high gear,

Pull around the corner on the inside road, park by that tennis court, Billy, go get the bag, it’s in those Oleander bushes.

Billy folds his big, brawny arms over his chest and puts on the pout,

I’ll go if I can sit in the front.

Alright damn it, get going.

Jackie slips easily into the back seat, Billy lumbers over to the bushes and roots around, he runs back to the truck empty-handed.

It ain’t there Jackie, it just ain’t there.

What are you talking about you stupid idiot? It has to be there. Hector, get out and look.

The two of them thrash the bushes but there’s no bag. Hector sprints back to the car,

Listen Jackie, maybe it was up at the next inlet. I don’t remember these tennis courts, do you?

"I’m not sure; I remember all the flowery bushes. Let’s look there."

Hector wheels the car down to the next entrance to the tract. Hector searches the bushes; there is nothing but small thorny palms, low hedge bushes and flowers. He runs back to the truck.

Nothing, maybe somebody saw Jackie toss it and picked it up.

Jackie is wild eyed; his voice is two octaves higher.

No way, there was nobody around, it has to be there. It couldn’t evaporate into thin air! Gardeners aren’t out at night, who would be looking in the bushes for anything?

Billy is thinking as hard as he can,

Maybe dog walkers, boss, hey this is a ritzy area and they all have little dogs.

I didn’t see any walkers, besides who would walk a dog on the main road with all these grassy areas. The place looks like a park with houses stuck in it. Dogs like trees, there’s a half a million of them in there.

Jackie, somebody must have seen you throw the bag out and then took it, that’s what I think.

Billy, damn it, how many times do I have to tell you, I do the thinking!

Hector is fuming trying desperately to remember where Jackie stopped the car. He was shocked when Jackie stopped, jumped out and hid the bag. It was only for a few seconds, was it by the tennis courts or here? No matter, the damn bag was gone!

Jackie it’s the only explanation that makes any sense. I couldn’t believe you stopped and hid the damn bag in the bushes. I was looking at you, not where we were. If the moneybag had been in the back with Billy and me, I wouldn’t have let you do such a hare-brained thing!

Jackie’s voice cracked as if he was going to cry,

I know it was right here because I turned left at the Bakersfield signal. Somebody must have seen us. Let’s get out of here so I can think!

Hector pulls the stolen truck onto the main road,

Jackie we need to get moving, the money’s gone and if we hang around here we will be headed for San Quentin. I ain’t goin back there, they’ll never put me in a cage again. To Hell with the money, if it’s gone we’ll just have to do one more job.

Do you know how long it took me to set this up? I had to date that bank teller for two months. Just to get her interested, I had to steal a jaguar, switch the plates, wear designer clothes and spend time with her. She had to trust me! I even gave her a gold bracelet from one of my heists. I didn’t mind shagging her but I’m down to my last ten grand and I need that money. Now!

Well, you shouldn’t have thrown it away, asshole! It’s gone, I’m heading for L.A. we need to lay down tracks as far away from here as we can.

Jackie crouched down in the small space of the crew cab. How could this happen? Why did he toss the money out? It was stupid and he wasn’t stupid, but, who would have thought somebody would be watching? There was nobody around, the streets were deserted. It was the kind of neighborhood that buttoned up at dark, people were home glued to the television having their nightcaps. If the cops had got them… . and there was a good chance