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    How to Survive Abusive, Controlling and Addictive Relationships
    How to Survive Abusive, Controlling and Addictive Relationships
    How to Survive Abusive, Controlling and Addictive Relationships
    Ebook124 pages55 minutes

    How to Survive Abusive, Controlling and Addictive Relationships

    By Cynthia Kelly

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    About this ebook

    Domestic violence is not new to the human condition; it is as old as mankind itself. It showed its ugly head in the first family that God created. Adam and Eves two sons brought it to form when Cain slew his brother Abel in a fit of jealous rage. But the answers to the problem are as old as mankind as well, and the author believes they are found not only in the pages of this book, but also in the pages of the book of books, the Holy Bible. It is her hope and desire that those who read it will find the help, wisdom, and ultimately the safety and survival it ascribes.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherWestBow Press
    Release dateJun 8, 2012
    ISBN9781449751838
    How to Survive Abusive, Controlling and Addictive Relationships
    Author

    Cynthia Kelly

    C. Kelly is the mother of three boys, Larry, Deke, and Josh, and the grandmother of three girls, Ce Ce, Savannah, and Le Le. She jokingly comments that she’s just six college credits away from an AA degree in general education; she still hopes to reach those educational goals and more. A self-proclaimed late bloomer as an aspiring writer, she describes in this book all the madness of her battles endured in her chaotic marriage. She outlines many of the strategies that she found useful in overcoming countless times of despair and struggle.

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      Book preview

      How to Survive Abusive, Controlling and Addictive Relationships - Cynthia Kelly

      Copyright © 2012 Cynthia Kelly

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

      WestBow Press books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

      WestBow Press

      A Division of Thomas Nelson

      1663 Liberty Drive

      Bloomington, IN 47403

      www.westbowpress.com

      1-(866) 928-1240

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

      Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

      ISBN: 978-1-4497-5182-1 (sc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4497-5053-4 (hc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4497-5183-8 (e)

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2012909060

      Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

      WestBow Press rev. date: 06/04/2012

      Contents

      INTRODUCTION

      CHAPTER 1 Abuse in the Raw

      CHAPTER 2 New Relationship—Warning Signs

      CHAPTER 3 Co-Dependent on the Drama

      CHAPTER 4 Stewing & Roasting:

      A Fight Recipe Or How Does

      This Relationship Make You Feel?

      CHAPTER 5 Decide

      CHAPTER 6 Leaving vs. Staying

      CHAPTER 7 The A B C’s of Mountain Climbing

      CHAPTER 8 The Ten Commandments of Love

      CHAPTER 9 More of My Story

      EPILOGUE

      DEDICATION

      I would like to dedicate this book to my faithful sons, Joshua, who was my bodyguard, (smile) thanks son for all your help, and Larry, who waited patiently and prayerfully for me to work out my own salvation. I’ll always love you both. And to my loyal and loving brother and sister-in-law, Bruce and Jaunyta Kelly, who selflessly aided me by letting me find refuge in their home many nights, days, and even weeks, while I worked through my dilemma and all my toxic emotions during my volatile relationship. They never closed their doors to me, even though behind those doors lived, not only their four birth children, but four adopted children as well! They have two of the biggest hearts I’ve come in contact with and I love them dearly. Their unwavering support, counseling and prayers will forever be appreciated. Thank you both. Your kindness and all your help will never be forgotten. May all God’s best forever be yours to enjoy.

      INTRODUCTION

      Most people’s perception of abuse is that it’s wrong treatment of one’s self or others, or by others of you, and that’s correct. Because one can carry out actions against him or herself by cutting, burning or starving, or vomiting food purposefully, and thereby depriving one’s body of vital and necessary nutrients which can lead to illness and even death. But whether self-inflicted or perpetrated upon us by others it is just that; abuse. The dictionary defines it as maltreatment; to use wrongfully or improperly, to treat a person or thing harmfully… the sense of inflicting injury, usually physical and often with intent to do harm… wrongful or unreasonable treatment by deed or word.

      DV, or Domestic Violence, or IPV, Intimate Partner Violence is a worldwide problem. It’s as widespread and vast as the cultures and nations in which it’s found, from Egypt to Switzerland, Australia to Turkey, India to South Africa, and Canada to the United States. DV is an issue many have encountered or will encounter during his or her lifetime, either directly or indirectly. It reaches the very young to the very old, and crosses the sexual genders. Some psychologists argue that women are just as violent against men as men are against women. Some cultures even deem it a right or an issue of honor to abuse and even kill an erring or disobedient wife or daughter who may try and rebel against cultural traditions.

      While the names to describe it may be different, such as road rage, which we all know entails losing one’s temper while driving a vehicle and subsequently doing some stupid, violent act in a fit of anger and rage! Domestic violence is part and parcel of the same origin, the same type of reaction, in that it’s basically a self-centered, hot headed reaction to not getting one’s own way, or being somehow disrespected or ignored, taken advantage of, embarrassed, or made a fool of in front of others.

      There are multiple reasons why humans abuse humans. The first created beings, spoken of in the Bible, Adam and Eve, the first family God made to dwell on earth rendered a son who killed his own brother in a fit of jealous rage! So domestic violence is nothing new, it’s as old as mankind. And the answers to it are as old as mankind as well.

      CHAPTER 1

      Abuse in the Raw

      How to Tell if You’re Being Abused

      Abuse can be physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, or even financial. It occurs at all levels, ages and stages of human development and growth or span of life, it transcends all socioeconomic levels, all racial and cultural spheres. It can occur at any age; from the very young to the very old. Child abuse is at an all-time high, as is elder abuse. Obviously these two groups must have proper care and supervision, provided by competent and trained professionals or loyal and trustworthy family members who should report any abuse they may know of or suspect. I will be focusing on romantic relation-ships primarily.

      Verbal Abuse

      Let’s start by looking at some examples of abusive speech or verbal abuse. It is very demeaning, characterized by harsh criticism. And it doesn’t necessarily include cursing or profanity; it can be words such as…

      You’re stupid!

      You’re ugly!

      You’re such an idiot!

      You’re crazy! You can’t do anything right!

      These statements are an attack on your personhood, self-esteem, your mental capacity or capabilities. Oftentimes an abuser will belittle you, who are but a mere human being, by attempting to bestow upon you god-like attributes. He’ll say things like,

      How come you forgot? I told you a thousand times!

      You should have known… ( some future event would occur)

      Didn’t I just tell you the answer to that question? (being human, you forgot, maybe you’re under a lot of stress for any number of reasons, maybe you’re so tired and burnt-

      out from working sixty hours a week, in order to pay the bills he’s not paying, because all of his money went to buy drugs or alcohol.

      Physical Abuse

      Physical abuse is obviously any attack on your body. It involves any pain or violence upon your person such as, pinching, pushing, shoving or rough handling; arm twisting, choking, biting, hair pulling, kicking, slamming, dragging across the floor, slapping or hitting (open handed or closed fisted). I include spitting in the face in this list, also things being thrown at you like hot water; (or cold) or pressing objects into your body, like lit cigarettes.

      Child abuse is severe discipline of a child beyond what is considered normal or healthy. I grew up in the spanking generation of the fifty’s. We got whipped with hand slaps on the butt or with belts or switches which we were made to fetch from the back yard’s trees of ill repute ourselves. We were careful to choose our instrument of punishment so as to get the one thought to be least painful. If we picked out one that was too thick, it seemed to hurt more from surface to core upon impact, but if it was too thin, it would wrap around your legs as you’d jump around in attempts to avoid the repeated stings. And granted, some whelps were left on occasion, however, they always healed and it wasn’t considered abuse, just good old fashioned Bible discipline of, he that spares the rod spoils his child. No abuse intended, and none given.

      Anyone using spanking, or what we used to call a whupping, in such a way that goes beyond discipline and which leaves more than a little hurt feelings and sore

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