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    Jayne’S Life Sentence
    Jayne’S Life Sentence
    Jayne’S Life Sentence
    Ebook76 pages3 hours

    Jayne’S Life Sentence

    By By Jayne.

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    About this ebook

    I was born in Londonderry/Derry, into an impovrished mixed religion family during Northern Ireland's troubles. Unlike a lot of tragic characters I was never deeply affected by the countries war ravished casualties. My childhood was set against the backdrop of two aggressive and violent alcoholic parents who loved to end a weekened with an alcohol fuelled, violent domestic. Despite this weekly occurrance, I was a relatively stable and content child who feasted upon the the love given to me by my maternal granny and aunt.
    It was only at the tender age of 6, that my life became engulfed in fear, shock, denial, betrayal and physical and mental anguish. My childhood folly was now replaced with being raped and abused whilst struggling not to give into the lure of suicide.
    I placed my blind faith or desperate hope in the idea that God had a plan for me and that my life would be enjoyable, someday!
    That day came when I met Philip. My life pivoted towards a new direction at that time and although my struggles are daily I can at last feel supported by my family and by God.
    My story unfortunately will strike a chord with too many, and in contrast shock and disgust those previously untainted by sexual abuse.
    I now continue along my path towards happiness and the feeling of inclusion in my own life, rather than as an onlooker or passive bystander.
    With God's help I will continue along life's journey.

    At this time I have neither the confidence nor strength to put a recent photograph of myself within the book as I still hold a great deal of shame and embarrassment. I hope readers and others in my position will allow for my weaknesses.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAuthorHouse UK
    Release dateMar 7, 2012
    ISBN9781467889124
    Jayne’S Life Sentence
    Author

    By Jayne.

    I was born in Londonderry/Derry, into an impovrished mixed religion family during Northern Ireland's troubles. Unlike a lot of tragic characters I was never deeply affected by the countries war ravished casualties. My childhood was set against the backdrop of two aggressive and violent alcoholic parents who loved to end a weekened with an alcohol fuelled, violent domestic. Despite this weekly occurrance, I was a relatively stable and content child who feasted upon the the love given to me by my maternal granny and aunt. It was only at the tender age of 6, that my life became engulfed in fear, shock, denial, betrayal and physical and mental anguish. My childhood folly was now replaced with being raped and abused whilst struggling not to give into the lure of suicide. I placed my blind faith or desperate hope in the idea that God had a plan for me and that my life would be enjoyable, someday! That day came when I met Philip. My life pivoted towards a new direction at that time and although my struggles are daily I can at last feel supported by my family and by God. My story unfortunately will strike a chord with too many, and in contrast shock and disgust those previously untainted by sexual abuse. I now continue along my path towards happiness and the feeling of inclusion in my own life, rather than as an onlooker or passive bystander. With God's help I will continue along life's journey. At this time I have neither the confidence nor strength to put a recent photograph of myself within the book as I still hold a great deal of shame and embarrassment. I hope readers and others in my position will allow for my weaknesses.

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      Book preview

      Jayne’S Life Sentence - By Jayne.

      Contents

      Dedication

      Introduction

      Before innocence was lost

      My apocalypse

      My new existence

      Daily survival and the loss of hope

      The child finally speaks

      My first glimmer of light—Raymond

      Life is good, now let’s destroy it

      The court case

      My mother

      Rachael

      Me, depression and food

      My mother, take two

      Extended Family

      God

      My future

      This is a memoir. While inspired by true events and my recollections, they may not coincide with what others depicted in the story experienced or remember. Therefore, in consideration of that fact and in the interest of protecting their privacy, I changed some names, relationships, locations, or situations.

      Dedication

      To my three little monsters, whose innocent

      happiness lightens my heart.

      To my husband who saved my soul.

      Together they give my life the purpose and

      direction it craves.

      Introduction

      This is not my attempt at a best seller or even a seller! It is simply a way in which I can put my life into some logical order.

      By putting my thoughts and experiences down on paper it helps to clear the mind and know that my memories are not erased but filed away in a place where I can visit when I need to.

      This may appear very strange. Surely if I could erase my memories then I would have cured myself. However if I deleted my true memories then my past would be a blank because to me a happy childhood and pleasant memories are a fantasy that I can’t begin to accept as a possibility for me. I am too damaged.

      I feel like a pack mule travelling along a narrow winding road. This is road I don’t want to travel along, but ahead I see happiness and relaxation at the next bend. Therefore I forge ahead and do whatever is necessary to reach the bend and end this awful journey. However each time I near the bend my chance of happiness and relaxation dashes along the road ahead to the next turn. I am constantly travelling along life’s path but at each twist in the road I have new challenges and direction to achieve peace. I have never yet been successful. This book is simply another stretch along my journey through life and recovery.

      As a child my only wish was to escape my situation, then when I had escaped and was relatively safe from new onslaughts of abuse I wanted my abuser to be stopped as he had gathered new victims. I was almost on a crusade with the firm belief that by getting justice I could move on. And boy was I wrong about that.

      Sure, I still feel going to court was right but it was not the end, merely the next stage. In truth the case almost brought on a nervous breakdown. I really thought this is it, I cannot cope anymore. I did not feel stronger or empowered. I felt weak and vulnerable.

      After the court case, came my wonderful children. Three healthy and beautiful children. Sadly one little girl was destined for the arms of the angels. On the other side of the coin came post natal depression and a surge in my well established eating disorder.

      Now I am at a place where I have learned to survive depression and taken pro active steps to tackle my weight issues.

      It has also dawned on me that although I am getting to a better place in my life I am still running on the wheel and learning to accept that I may never step off.

      I published this book to give others an insight into the mind of an abused child, so that they can help a child in their life. Unfortunately we probably all know someone who can be termed as abused or damaged. I also hope that other abused children who are now adults can relate to my experiences and realise that they are not alone.

      They can see that abuse is real, it is serious, it is sadly very common and it is a life sentence with no chance of parole.

      Before innocence was lost

      I remember my innocence and open naivety as clearly as though it were yesterday. It is in such stark contrast to the rest of my life.

      The images and memories I have are of a large and extended family that all laughed and fought in a safe environment.

      I am the eldest in a family of four and had a score of cousins. I had two younger sisters, a baby brother, and my parents, close family ties with my maternal relations and a less gregarious relationship with my paternal family. Even at such a young age of six I knew there was a difference in my relations, i.e. their differing religions.

      My mother who was a lapsed Catholic had herself quite a devout mother. My maternal grandmother whom I loved was always referred to as Mammy. I really loved Mammy. I felt sympathy for her as I sensed a lot of heartache and hurt. To me she was fantastic. She took me everywhere, sneaked me treats when I wasn’t allowed, told me stories and protected me from my mother when I had misbehaved. She was my main source of safety and happiness. She made me feel good about myself. She made me feel special just because I was me. Something no one else has ever been able to do.

      My highly intuitive senses were already at play by the age of six. Although they made me aware of impending trouble and anxiety they did not grace me with the knowledge of how to avoid such upsetting events.

      I spent a lot of weekends and holidays with my maternal family. I enjoyed the change of running wild in a small town. I was free

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