A Guided Journey: Parenting with Jesus in the Raft

Copyright © 2014 Martha Fletcher.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-5197-6 (sc)

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WestBow Press rev. date: 10/28/2014

CONTENTS

Dedication

Introduction To A Guided Journey – Parenting With Jesus In The Raft

Chapter 1 Is Jesus Willing To Get In The Raft And Be My Guide?

Chapter 2 Does My Guide Speak My Language?

Chapter 3 Guided When I Have Just Left The Shore And Already Want To Get Out

Chapter 4 Guided Over The Rapids Of Discipline

Chapter 5 Guided Through The Rough Waters Of Sibling Interaction

Chapter 6 Guided To Navigate The Steady Stream Of Words

Chapter 7 Guided Around The Whirlpool Of What To Teach My Children About God

Chapter 8 Guided To Understand And Appreciate Others In The Boat

Chapter 9 Guided When My Weaknesses Make It Hard To Paddle

Chapter 10 Guided To Understand The Chain Of Command In The Boat

Chapter 11 Guided To Joyfully Ride Down The River Again With Yet Another Child

Chapter 12 Guided When The River Seems Too Scary

Epilogue

Appendix I Fletcher Family Rules

Appendix II Guiding Principles for Discipline from Seven Things Children Need by John M. Drescher

Appendix III Proverbs on the Use of Words

Appendix IV Personality And Parenting

End Notes

DEDICATION

T o my one and only, my fellow-rafting partner, Michael, with love and gratitude for your steadfast encouragement and support on this incomparable journey. And to my extraordinary children, my joy and crown, Natalie, Andrea, Sarah, Kyle, Lydia and Evan, for providing material for this book.

INTRODUCTION TO A GUIDED JOURNEY – PARENTING WITH JESUS IN THE RAFT

T he world does not really need another book on parenting. Even if it does, I am not called to write it. There are so many excellent books on the subject of raising children, and I am grateful that there are as I have consulted many of them for pointers on everything from potty training and tantrum management to facing fears and letting grown children go.

Over the course of the past twenty years, I have had the privilege of speaking to various parent groups on a wide variety of topics. Often, after speaking some kind soul would come up to me and ask me if I had written a book, to which my reply had been, No. No, I see myself as a synthesizer of others’ information, gleaned from books and gleaned from the Bible. What I speak on is what I have collected and lived out with real children, recounting real experiences with real successes and some real big failures. However, mingled amid the voices of the parents with whom I have spoken, after whatever talk I have given, was a distinctly quiet yet powerful voice that I have come to recognize as the Holy Spirit’s: Write a book. Patiently and yet persistently this impression came time and time again until I yielded and said Yes, Lord.

I still felt that I had nothing unique to offer, nothing that hadn’t been written about countless times, in helpful, informative ways. But rather than continuing to argue, out of obedience, I began to write. It was in the writing that the distinction of this book came clear.

Several years ago our family, all nine of us, took a trip to the Dominican Republic which happens to be the adventure capital of the Caribbean. One of our most memorable experiences was rafting down a rushing Dominican river. In preparation for this event, we watched a video describing rafting. We then were driven to the drop-off site and made to sit in the rafts on land and practice paddling. All of this was helpful but entirely inadequate to prepare us for the actual experience of being in the water and tumbling over the churning rapids. We paddled hard, very hard, backward, forward, left and right but despite all of our effort, despite the video and the practice session, we would have failed at successfully navigating the river if it had not been for our guide. He had been down the river countless times. He understood its turbulent spots and knew what it took to get us through. It was he who gave us directions of when to paddle, which way to paddle, and when to stop. It was he who took us over waterfalls by his own strength when our paddling efforts failed. It was he who hauled us out of the water and pulled us back in the boat when a rogue wave threw us overboard. And it was also he who, when we had reached the calm waters toward the end of our journey, exulted over our success proclaiming loudly, I love my people! When I asked our guide Joel what he liked about river rafting, he replied that he loved that no two trips down the river were ever the same. The river is always changing.

Parenting I’ve discovered is like rafting down a beautiful, rushing mountain river that is never quite the same, always changing. There are places of extreme turbulence, some places that are relievingly tranquil, some places where we have to paddle with all our might to keep on course and even some sections where we feel as if we have fallen out of the raft all together. We can go down the river on our own, looking at the manual as we go to try to figure out how to navigate the course of the river, or we can ask other people what their ride down the river was like. While these may be helpful, I simply couldn’t imagine going down a Dominican river without a guide in my raft. Neither can I imagine parenting without Jesus.

I have read many instructional rafting manual types of books, and I will reference throughout the chapters of this book how I have been greatly helped by insights and pointers from these authors who served as mentors. I have also studied many of the passages and principles in the Bible on raising children. These have been irreplaceable beacons of truth and anchors of hope, many of which I will share with you. I have conferred with fellow parents, both those at the same place on the river and those further downstream to glean from their experiences. But, nothing has been more necessary for this journey than my relationship with and reliance upon my Guide, Jesus Christ . Only He has been in the boat with me each day, day after day, raising six children. Only He knows my family better than I do, just as the river guide knows the ever-changing river: Natalie, Andrea, Sarah, Kyle, Lydia and Evan, and their parents, Martha and Michael. He knows what we really need since He created us and unconditionally loves us. He also knows that this journey, whether it is raising one or ten, requires more than any one person can know and give. He has offered to get in the boat with me and offered for me to parent in relationship and communion with Him.

This book is a recounting of my twenty nine year rafting ride as a parent in communion with my God and Savior, my Guide. The chapters of this book are in essence conversations with Jesus that led to recognitions and revelations which have fundamentally altered my course as a parent. Some of these conversations came as a cry for help in the midst of raging rapids when everything I tried to do to get the raft on course was failing. Some came as I realized that the only way I knew to paddle was no longer working. Some were conversations when I was at a place on the journey to pause and reflect before entering the next stretch of white water.

But if all there was to this book was you reading about my journey and saying, Good for her that she had those encounters, I am happy for her, then I would have failed in communicating. I am sharing with you my account of these engagements with Jesus and the practical impact they had on my parenting, not so that you could applaud me, nor to inspire you to parent exactly as I did, but to serve as an example of what parenting with Jesus in the raft can look like. My hope then is that you would invite Him into your raft and enter into earnest conversation with Him about your children, whom He knows by name and you whom He loves and this journey that you are on. I believe that Jesus wants to have this kind of intimate relationship with each of us. He made this clear when He offered Himself in our place to remove the great obstacle to conversation and communion, our self-sufficient independence, our sin.

It is with this confidence and for this purpose that I write this book, praying that it would be for God’s glory and for your blessing. Through this account of my journey, hear in it the beckoning voice of Jesus offering to step in the raft with you and lead you as He shouts exultantly over you, I love My people!

CHAPTER 1

Is Jesus Willing To Get In The Raft And Be My Guide?

I grew up in the now infamous town of Newtown, Connecticut. We lived in a small house perched on top of a hill and accessible only by a precariously steep and narrow eight-hundred-foot driveway. Our location separated us physically and relationally from the town that lay below. Raised in this environment, I learned not to borrow sugar or anything else from my neighbor. We were independent, self-reliant, and I adopted this spirit as my basic approach to life.

This mentality carried over when I first became a mom. I thought that this new role was mine and my husband’s to handle, and that I ought not go looking for help. After all, I reasoned, now that I am a mother, God expects me to figure out how to carry out this responsibility, and I mustn’t disappoint Him by messing up the children that He has entrusted to my care. It would be irresponsible of me to expect Him to do my job for me. So I endeavored to do my utmost to raise my children for God, but what I soon discovered was that I couldn’t. I couldn’t do this job without Him. I needed Him in my raft to teach me what to do; I needed Him to change me to be the patient, loving mom I wanted to be but couldn’t be, no matter how hard I tried.

I entered into parenting with the confidence that God’s presence is real and personal, but I never needed Him as desperately as when I became a mom. But was it okay to ask for His help?

When my kids wanted to play at someone’s house, I would tell them that they couldn’t merely invite themselves over. They must wait to be invited. Have I been invited to knock at Jesus’ door and ask Him for help? And not just a little help, and not just to borrow a little sugar when I get in a bind kind of help but daily, hourly, and at times minute-by-minute help? Is it all right to ask Him to come into my raft and be my guide?

In Matthew 11:28–30 Jesus says,

Come to me all you who are weary and carrying heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (NRSV)

I took and continue to take great comfort that this is an invitation that is as valid today as when it was first given. What a relief to hear Jesus issue this invitation, Come to Me. I am not disturbing Him or imposing upon Him or being presumptuous or irresponsible if I come to Him; He has invited me to come as I am.

Come to me all who are weary and carrying heavy burdens. Doesn’t that sound as if it is written for young moms? Weary? I never knew weariness until I experienced the long nights and endless days of caring for a newborn while potty training a toddler during the time my husband was traveling, with no extended family to help out. Burdened? I never really understood the meaning of carrying a heavy burden until I had the responsibility of raising these six little souls in a loving, academically enriched, spiritually vibrant, harmonious, organic, stimulating, toxin-free environment. Each day these lofty and yet seemingly non-negotiable goals fell unfulfilled. Yet each day, I would get up and try harder, try to be more patient, try to get on a schedule, try to have healthy meals, try to clean up the messes, try to get out of the house on time, try to get to the museum, the play group, the music lessons,