My Romance with God: Surviving Your Relationship with God

Copyright © 2013 Peter Christian Lee.

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ISBN: 978-1-4497-8925-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-8926-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-8924-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013905244

WestBow Press rev. date: 05/14/2013

Table of Contents

To God Be The Glory

Dedication

Acknowledgement

The Journal

I Rocking My World

II Pardon Me, But I’d Like To Keep My Sanity

III Daybreak

IV Chasing After The Wind

V Wandering Pilgrim I

VI River Of Life

VII Be Still And Know

Our God Reigns

VIII Our God Reigns 2012

IX Wandering Pilgrim II

Why Am I Writing This Book?

What Am I Doing In This World?

Why I Still Believe In God

Misguided Expectations

What Is A Christian?

X The Awakening

Dying To Self

Suffering Can Be A Blessing

Discipleship, Following Jesus

Spiritual Formation—Lost In Translation

Spending Time With God

The Gift

XI Crossing Bridges

Life In This World Is Meant To Be Difficult

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

Sheep Or Goat

Wounded Sinners

XII Revelation

God Understands Our Predicament

Why God Allows Evil

God Needs To Be Relevant

God Revealed

XIII The Last Mile

Faith—Breaking The Sound Barrier

Running The Marathon

Searching For Happiness

Teach Me How To Pray

XIV Postcript

The Power Of Love

Help Me To Love You More

To God Be The Glory

Wait with Confidence. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm… (James 5:7-8 NIV)

Dedication

To Riele, the woman I will always love, cherish and share the rest of my life with.

Acknowledgement

To the people who have helped me along the way in discovering and maturing my spirituality, especially to my spiritual director and pastor, Siang Yang Tan.

Strains Of Silence

I am searching

my heart, my mind, my soul.

Faintly, I hear gentle whispers from my heart

And the stillness of the night overcomes me

until I hear the melodious strains of silence

And I wonder…

I journey far and wide

My dreams take me to the fringes of eternity

I see a bridge beyond me

And the river overflows and obscures my path

And I wonder…

Why are you hiding from the shadow of your destiny?

Is it You? I ask

I am tormented in circles as dark clouds surround me

The sounds of silence grow distant and faint

And I wonder…

Have pity on me, I cry to You

Shatter the silence of my heart

Let me be just like a Tree

With arms reaching for the heavens in complete surrender

With roots touching the depths of every mortal soul

And I will spread my wings and soar

And live ten thousand years

I will be a tower of strength and refuge

A haven for the weak and weary

Search my heart and set me free

Quench this thirst, this ancient tree

I hear the faint melodious strains of silence

It is music to my ears

I rest in Your light

The door is open wide

And I search …no more.

The Journal

The journal was written between the years 2002 and 2005 during a time when I was in and out of work due to layoffs. The first time I was laid off was in July, 2001; the second time was in February, 2002; the third time was in August 2002; and, the fourth time was in December, 2003. During those turbulent years, keeping a journal was my therapy; deep and persistent thoughts that variably formed into words found a home within these pages. Over time, it helped me process and understand the significance and consequences of these events.

I

Rocking My World

January 28, 2012

The rain has been pounding all morning and R had to rouse me from sleep to get going. Ever since I came back from a visit to the Philippines over a month ago, my sleeping pattern has been erratic and often restless. I would consider myself lucky to get six straight hours of sleep on a good day. R told me to go back to sleep after dropping her off at the train station but it was easier said than done. The inclement weather made it easier for me to pray, contemplate and write this piece.

It has been a year and a half since I was laid off and here I am, still searching and waiting for the right job opportunity to come along. Physically, other than a laparoscopy performed last July to remove a bad gall bladder, I have been pretty healthy. Emotionally, the anti-depressants seem to be working and I have been good all year round. As a matter of fact, I started weaning myself of the medication so I won’t have to deal with the side effects. Spiritually, my relationship with God is as good as it gets—meaning, it’s not getting worse. The nagging questions have taken a back seat as I continue to give God the free hand to drive me around. And once again, as the great benefactor did so in the past, all my needs have been miraculously met and provided for even though I am out of work. So I must be living the idyllic life in this Great Recession. No complaints there.

Unlike the storms of winters past, this one is tame though prolonged. I recall the heart- wrenching days of those turbulent years from 2001 to 2003, days of intense soul searching and wilderness journeys, as a hapless victim of four successive rounds of layoffs. Talk about God rocking my world. The harrowing experience led me to rediscover who God really is. Having lost all semblance of control, I finally gave up, surrendered and handed the wheel over to Him.

Following Jesus has come with a price. Just as Christ had to bear His cross to pay our dues, I have had to do the same. The initial experience was just the first round and it did not leave me unscathed. The psychological scars are still visible and healing to this day.

In contrast, the current storm is not even anywhere close to the wilderness paradigm. There were no elements of surprise and the aftershocks were cushioned with a three- month contract to continue working as a consultant. Even as the days dragged to weeks and months, and months to over a year with no job in sight, my faith has withstood the test so far as God took care of the rest. This is not to say that the waiting game does not have its share of stressful days, but worrying is now the farthest thing from my mind.

While it is good to wait on God for direction, I have since learned that God gave us intelligence and common sense to use while waiting. An old Chinese adage, Man plans but heaven makes it happen finds a match in Proverbs 16:19, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps". So I invested some time taking a brief course in medical billing last summer, and most recently, setting up a travel review blog. Unfortunately, after several job interviews, a new career has yet to take off and the blog will take some time to generate income. Meanwhile, I have this unsettling suspicion that for now, none of these efforts will pay immediate dividends.

So life is not picture perfect, but it never was to begin with.

II

Pardon Me, But I’d Like To Keep My Sanity

May 16, 2002

My spiritual life is no different than the stock market. There are good days and bad days. Good days are really good days when something good happens, like a proposal you’ve been eagerly anticipating at work finally comes through. The bad days are really not that bad but more blasé, routine and monotonous. Nothing eventful happens. I guess this is a general description of what we call the rhythms in our spiritual life.

You could say that I am in a period of consolation, enjoying the good graces of God. Come to think of it. Whether it’s consolation or desolation, God’s grace is always present, always sufficient, and always good. Naturally, the experience can be similar just as they can be different. In consolation, God’s grace is more evident and usually taken for granted. In desolation, God’s grace is just as evident but we are too overwhelmed to take notice while buried in the circumstances of our struggles.

How’s my prayer life? Dry. No passion. Why? Maybe I’m not focusing hard enough. Maybe I’m in that dark night of the soul phase again. Does it matter? How should a prayer life always be? Is there a standard we should follow? I think our prayer life is the mirror of our spiritual life. Just as our spiritual life goes through rhythms, so does our prayer life. The absence of activity does not necessarily mean absence from God or of God.

We are complex beings. We are human. We are also spiritual, whereas God is a spirit. There is a dimension to spiritual growth that is different from the physical and this is where we are wanting. Meditation, contemplation, and reading Scriptures all play a critical role in spiritual formation. Prayer alone will not suffice. There are no short cuts on the path towards spiritual growth.

Have I learned anything new about myself lately? Changing for the better is a wonderful dynamic process. But it remains a process. Sometimes, it is frustrating and painful. I would love to become a philanthropist for the rest of my life. I ask myself why God does not allow me to win the lottery. Deep in my heart, I should know better than to ask such a question.

Not by choice, I find myself trapped in a time zone, in a form that is corruptible and decaying day by day, hour by hour. As the clock ticks, my worth is measured not by what I accomplish for myself but by what I do for others. I am God’s ambassador to this planet, to the community that surrounds me, to my family and friends. Whether I succeed or not is immaterial to God. It is how I succeed or fail in this life that matters.

July 17, 2002

Why do I feel so lost in my walk with God? If I lose my God-centered focus, I lose everything I’m holding on to. Apart from God, nothing else makes sense in this life. But sometimes, even God doesn’t make sense. We call that mystery.

Why does God make it so difficult for us to follow Him? Though we make every conscious effort not to sin, we give in to the slightest temptation swayed by powerful emotions. We feel bad or guilty afterwards and ask for forgiveness, only to sin again. Jesus told the adulterous woman that her sins were forgiven and not to sin anymore. But how is this possible?

We live in corrupt bodies and a sinful world. I keep repeating to myself that the effort belongs to God and I should not trust myself to overcome my own weakness. But where is the effort of God in my life?

Called to obedience, I am just like a puppet on a string living in a world where I have no control of. Like a shell washed ashore, I have been thrown back to the sea to be tossed and churned by the waves and washed ashore again. It is a cycle that does not seem to end. When will the waves get tired of me?

I am tired and weary, too overwhelmed and burdened by trying to focus on living a God-centered life. What if I just let nature take its course and enjoy life? I must be trying too hard.

July 31, 2002

I feel terrible today and I don’t know why. I’m feeling disillusioned and disenchanted with life. I find it so empty and meaningless. I just want to go home to be with God and rest in Him. I don’t know what God wants me to do. I do not know what He wants from me. I don’t think I’m making any headway and I don’t know if I’m supposed to. I know God will make His move at the right time. In the meantime, I’m finding myself vulnerable and running out of steam. I just want to give up.

I’m not doing much so what am I complaining about? My work is cut out for me. Half of the time I’m doing nothing. Am I deteriorating this way? I’m glad I don’t have to work in a stressful, highly pressured environment.

A friend told me to be patient and God will make His move at the right time. He said that God will not give me a hundred thousand dollars when He knows only too well that I’m not ready for it. There’s much wisdom in what he said. He’s right, of course. God is stretching and testing me. My reaction is all too human. There are times I just want to give it all up. I do not find any fulfillment in what I am and what I do.

Again, I’m being too hard on myself. I do not know how to appreciate His gifts or His blessings. I do not know how to rest and let Him do the worrying. But where does this percolating pressure and annoying feeling come from? Could this be from Satan?

Maybe I’ve been looking in all the wrong places. He’s everywhere and yet nowhere. He’s certainly far and distant, yet close enough for me to know. Why can’t I just enjoy life instead of taking it for granted?

I pray for God’s mercy and grace, strength for today and hope for tomorrow. God is always good.

August 9, 2002

Last night, I met again with DC. We discussed several things. He suggested that while I’ve been searching and living my spirituality, I may have lost my self. The reality is that we cannot separate ourselves from the world we live in because we are also spiritual beings. We have a physical dimension to our existence which we need to preserve as the self in order for us to relate to this world. He thinks I have abandoned my self-identity in my search for God and spirituality. As a result, I am neither fulfilled with my self nor in my spiritual journey.

I explained to him that it is my desire to pursue the Godly and noble things in life, turning away from the worldly and searching for the intrinsic values in life that enable us to have a healthy relationship with God. I want to be a mirror of God because I know that this is His universal will. However, I don’t know what His specific will is. DC suggested that it may not be an either-or situation of making things happen or waiting for things to happen. It could be a combination of both. Reality tells us that it is rare for God to speak to us audibly. Most of the time, we are left to wonder in our discernment as we look for confirmation.

From our discussion, it seems that his insight is not compatible with what I have been taught. He suggested that I should first determine what I want to accomplish in my life or what it is that I want to do that would make me happy. He emphasized the importance of working within a frame or boundary and slowly expanding that boundary as my journey progresses. This provides a sense of calculated safety from variables we have no control of.

I thought I gave God a free hand to navigate my life. In other words, I gave up the wheel, gave up control yet ended up confused and lost. If I had those boundaries, that probably would not have happened. Even in God’s own sovereignty, there is a role for choice. I have to reclaim that role and understand that, by exercising the freedom to choose, there is no guarantee in making the right choice. Choice is such a wonderful gift we take for granted.

So what do I do now? I think I need to pull back and rethink the issues. Somehow, I need to resurrect my self and determine when to make or not to make that choice. Whether I make the right decision or not, I do not think that God would care less about my quandary. I have been pushing too hard in seeking direction. I need to slow down and take it one step at a time.

People will always be people, inside and outside of church. There will be conflicts, tensions and issues. I know I have the right to be upset and disenchanted but I also have the right to be gracious and compassionate. I need to get over my feelings and move on. I’m taking a one-month sabbatical hoping that this will help bring back some sanity and balance to my life.

August 26, 2002

Today is another one of those terrible days. I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. The question, what is God trying to do with my life? keeps nagging me. I keep on praying for wisdom and discernment but I’m getting nowhere. Am I going through the dark night of the soul? Why do I feel so unhappy and disillusioned with my spiritual life? I feel like a headless chicken, running around in circles, searching after a God who is nowhere to be found. Why am I experiencing this gnawing, insatiable hunger for fulfillment in my spiritual life? Where have I gone wrong with serving God?

DC asked me what I want in life. I thought I wanted to be a mirror of God but I’m finding this very difficult and taxing. Doubtful of being effective, it is becoming more apparent that I cannot even do justice towards this end. It seems all my life I have accomplished nothing. I can’t seem to get my mind to finish what I’ve started. I wanted to be a philanthropist but I don’t have the resources. DC told me to forget it. Chances are it’s not going to happen. I wanted to be a doctor but, at 46 years old, I have neither the time nor the capability. I thought I could be a good spiritual director. But look at me? I can’t even figure my own self! I thought I could finish at least a certificate course from the seminary, but I gave up after two subjects.

How do I feel about work? I am not motivated. I don’t feel any excitement. I’d rather stay home. The company is going through some difficult times. The owner is downsizing but was told my position is secure.

I get tired rather quickly even without doing much. DC thinks I’m depressed and maybe I am. Tomorrow is my last day to teach. I hope I don’t end up vegetating too much.

Where do I go from here? Who knows? I wish I could just live one day at a time and enjoy life. Maybe if I lived every day as if it were my last, I might feel different. I know God is somewhere close. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be having these nagging thoughts. Maybe I’m thinking too much. Maybe I should be more trusting even without a clear direction or discernment. Does it really matter? What about happiness? Is it just a state of mind? What is happiness? What is fulfillment? What is life all about? The other night, I dreamt that LIFE stands for Living For Eternity.

September 4, 2002

Last Friday, I was laid off for the third time in twelve months. My initial reaction was, What is happening? I thought I made the right decision to keep this job. Maybe it still is. Maybe this is a stepping stone towards something God has in store for me. I may also have incorrectly discerned when I declined an unexpected job offer and chose instead to hang on. But what’s past is past. There’s no use crying over spilled milk.

When it rains, it pours. It’s just one of those moments when life becomes a continuous comedy of errors. Do you know what it feels like when your brain turns blank and you stop trying to make sense out of what is seemingly senseless? I must be numb to what’s happening because I can no longer think. I’m just going with the flow. I must be getting jaded or stoic because I don’t know what to feel anymore. Yes, I know there is a God behind all of this. He alone holds the key to this mystery and I should allow Him to do the thinking for me. After all, He is in control while I am not. He is sovereign. I have to believe and trust that only good can come out of this for there is nothing else left for me to believe in.

What’s scary is that when I’m working, it’s only a matter