What Mama Didn't Tell Ya: Relationship Advice for the Young and Young at Heart

What Mama

Didn’t Tell Ya

Relationship Advice for the Young

and Young at Heart

Jae J. LeBrou

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© 2013 by Jae J. LeBrou. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 10/09/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4918-7651-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-7652-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-7653-4 (e)

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Contents

Acknowledgements

Prologue

Chapter One: First Meetings

Rules of Engagement

Safety Issues

Early Safety

Who is this guy really

Going Out

The Art of Conversation

Friendships

What makes a good friend

Your Friends

A girl’s guy friends

Your Guy’s Friends

Chapter Two: Who Are You and What Do You Want?

Know yourself

Mamas and Papas

Religion and Spirituality

Chapter Three: Real Relationships

Being in love

Don’t Peak Too Soon

Don’t stalk your man—it’s not a good look

2-way street

Real Realities

Relationship Limits

Choosing Relationships

Is ‘marrying well’ a perspective?

Online Dating

Family Involvement

Money

Chapter Four: Intimacy and Sex

Sexual Safety / Sexual Health

Sex and Relationships

Pregnancy and childbirth

Chapter Five: When All Is Said And Done… .

Glossary (A-Z)

Acknowledgements

Firstly and with utmost reverence, The Lord God on high through whom all things are possible.

My parents who probably cringed whilst reading each page of this book—actually, I only allowed them to read the edited, selective version—ssshhhh!

My besties Bernard and Maria who have, jointly and individually, managed to keep me on the right side of sanity since primary school. Their no holds barred, straight-up honesty and incredible sense of humour has been several vertebrae in my spinal column.

My brothers—for allowing me to have at least some relationships and not beating everyone up; although most were pretty scared.

My niece, Ilana, who was my sounding board as to the age-appropriateness of the information I was providing. Whether she likes it or not, she has now been ‘advised’.

The loves of my life, from the best to the worst who have given me the experiences to write this book. Nothing happens by chance or coincidence, all things have their place and purpose.

The artistic expertise of Gary Poole, singer and songwriter and Kofi Asante of Asanti Jewellery who graciously allowed me to exhibit their works within this book.

My life coach Brett of True Potential for the focus, guidance and empowerment - you are a precious gem. Also to all the wonderful people who have supported and encouraged me on this journey. You are blessed!

Lastly and most importantly, my miracle, baby girl. The one person who has made me sit up and take the lesson seriously. To CJM mummy loves you (even though I embarrass you sometimes). Mwah!

Prologue

So often women find themselves in situations with men they find difficult to handle. This does not only apply to young girls, teenagers or twenty-somethings, but also older women, with significant life experience.

Take a moment to think about the first time you went out clubbing with friends, on holiday or even just shopping and encountered a group of guys with whom there was a mutual attraction, or not as the case may be. Or maybe out on a first date, being in a car alone with a man or the first time you visit a male friend’s home.

The experiences and knowledge we have is invaluable to our female children yet so often matters such as these are difficult to discuss. There never seems to be a ‘right time’, maybe you don’t want your child to know what you got up to as a ‘youngster’ or whatever the reason is. Consequently, we end up not sharing our knowledge with our young girls or peer group. Don’t forget, our children think we were born yesterday and born to being our current age. They don’t believe we know what they are going through or that there is even the slightest possibility that we have been through the same or similar situations before.

This book was written just as a guide to my little girl for when she is old enough to have to deal with men and relationships. As a mother, part of me wants to wrap her up in cotton wool without explaining anything and not allowing her to go out until she’s 30 years old, but we all know that’s not going to happen. So, that’s when the other side of motherhood kicks in. The alternative is to equip her with the knowledge and tools to enjoy her youthfulness safely and then marry well.

This book will not stop you from having a broken heart. It does not cover every, single situation in life. It will not ensure your future, but what it hopes to do is something else. It hopes to show you that there are things that can be avoided or at least a way to be able to make informed choices about the situations you choose to put yourselves in and how not to inadvertently get into situations you do not like.

This book is not based on any scientific research. I have not trawled through other books for guidance, nor have I read up on this subject in preparation of writing this book. However, having been a Social Worker in various capacities for over 15 years, I have had access to people in a way most people do not have the opportunity to. The views and opinions you see here are my own, based on my own personal and professional experiences, my perceptions, ideas and the experiences and wisdom of my friends and family, male and female alike. You do not have to agree or even like what I have to say on the subject matter presented here. I invite you to keep an open mind and form your own judgement.

I know there are certain pieces of information mentioned within this book which would have been invaluable to me during my adolescence. I strongly believe I would be in a very different place in my life right now, if I had been aware of this information earlier on in my life.

I too have experienced the pain of a broken heart. I know what it is to want a man that is no good for me and I too have made mistakes in life that will not only be paid for by me, but my daughter in her upbringing also. I do not make excuses for my behaviour but I endeavour to learn from the kinds of mistakes that we, as human beings, will make at various points in our lives.

Through my own mistakes I have caused ripples which could, if not well managed, be the cause of tsunami-sized events in my daughter’s future choices. I have exposed her to a single-parent, step-family which although is becoming more frequently seen, is not the ideal or chosen path for most individuals. People recognise it takes two responsible parents to raise a child, but we have to work with what we have.

Now, as a mother, I realise and understand that I have done things that have broken my mother’s heart. I can see how I would react to my daughter ever introducing me to the calibre of some of the men I have dated, some that I dared to introduce to my parents and how they probably prayed that I would come to my senses. It is clear that the relationship choices I have made have impacted negatively on my life. They have affected my child in that the father I chose for her is no longer within the family home and I have started a cycle that may only be repaired by a doting father-figure who can put the needs of his child before his own. Some men cannot do this and do not understand the importance of the father within the family, never mind the father-daughter relationship.

It has been said that you do not understand or appreciate what your mother has been through until you are a mother yourself. Again this is one of those things that I failed to recognise the impact of until I became a mother. Looking at my wonderful daughter I was initially filled with only joy and happiness. As the time went on and she began to move and speak independently, I began to think of her as her own entity. It was only then that I started panicking! I made a firm decision that once she had started talking about the dreaded ‘boys’, I would lock her in an attic room not allowing her contact with the outside world until she was at least thirty years old. By that time I would have vetted and chosen a suitable husband for her—one who will not break her heart or allow her to go without the privileged life that she so deserves. Well, you can probably guess that I didn’t in fact lock my daughter in the attic otherwise this book would have been written from within a prison, quite possibly a psychiatric one.

At the time of writing this book, my precious ‘baby’ girl is not yet 10 years old. She is yet to encounter anything to do with the complexities of romantic relationships, however the human interactions she is experiencing all count towards the person she will grow up to be. Her experiences with family relationships, with myself and her father, her social interactions and educational experiences, etc, will all count in establishing her self esteem, self worth, determination, emotional balance and all the other facets of her personality. It is important to remember that children don’t just wake up one morning and decide to be a certain way. They are eased into their personalities, strengths and weaknesses, but we as parents aren’t always aware of this internal, emotional transformation. Our eyes seem to suddenly open at the point when the change has happened and we wonder where did that behaviour/attitude/style of dress come from.

Whilst this book is primarily aimed at females, I feel its readership is not limited to females only. Male readers; fathers especially with daughters, or just guys in general will gain some insight into relationships having read and understood the key points within this book.

Of course this book will not guarantee you will find a perfect mate. Nor will reading it mean no mistakes will ever be made in your life. It serves as a guide to these issues, a way of providing you with ‘food for thought’ but the rest is up to you. The information is provided, now you live your life the way you see fit—I can not do that for you.

Both my parents were born in Ghana, West Africa and are both Christians. What this meant was that there was a very definite moral code within my household. I apologise to them both at this point by the mere virtue of my having written this book and discussing publically what is rarely even discussed in front of your parents privately, in an African household. Once they have accepted my apology and come round to my way of thinking—which is a long shot here—they may well recommend I re-read the book myself and follow my own advice.

Good luck one and all!

Jae J. LeBrou x

Author

Chapter One

First Meetings

When you’re out you may well see a guy you are attracted to. Don’t approach them! If you want to get their attention you might do something simple, something that neither indicates to them that you are on the prowl, nor reek of desperation. A walk-by will do. If he is interested, he will approach you. It’s as simple as that.

There is no need to seek out a man. Men are primal beings so if they want you, they will find a way to let you know. If they don’t, there is no need to go after them. Men need to chase you. It’s part of a process in placing value on you. How you respond tells him how he should treat you. I am assured by men themselves, that even very shy men will approach or find a way to get your attention, if that is what they want. Don’t get me wrong though. Yes, if you pursue a man long enough he may eventually give in. He may date you for a while, may even have sex with you. But rest assured that when he meets the woman who catches his eye, who he is compelled to pursue, he may well leave you for her and you will be left to pick your heart up from the floor. Stark, but true. So now you already know this, don’t open yourself up to this type of situation.

Think too about where you met this guy. Just because you met him at choir practice in Church doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a good boy. Similarly, just because you met in a club it doesn’t mean he’s a player. Don’t forget that wherever you met him, is where he met you. Maybe he has some misconceptions about you that need some correcting too.

While we’re here we might as well dispel the myth that you have to go clubbing or to social soirees in order to meet your ideal mate. Yes, it helps but only because you, in a shorter space of time and often with an intended goal, are in your finery and have a non-crazy reason for interacting with all the strangers in attendance. This clearly presents an opportunity to, in a non-speed dating* type of way, have casual conversations and move on to other people without causing embarrassment. You are expected to ‘network’ for want of a better word. On the other hand, you could meet your mate in a library, a shopping mall, a grocery store, a swimming pool, on an aeroplane, the list and the possibilities are indeed endless. You could meet in the course of a routine day or on a day when things take you on a different course than your usual one. Call it fate. Call it destiny. Call it God’s divine plan. Whatever it is… . there is someone for everyone in this world.

There are different views on this subject and many a discussion has ensued. Should you give a guy your phone number at your initial meeting or is it better to take their contact details?

The important thing is that you take your time and consider things carefully. Allow yourself to consider whether you want this guy calling you at all—don’t give your number out easily. My view is not to give your number but to take theirs as this gives you time to think. The control is then yours and from the first time you call or send him a text, he will have your number. Then it’s up to him. The proverbial ball will then be firmly in his court.

Be honest, if it’s safe to do so. By that I mean