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    A Shattered Heart: A Journey of Hope, Trust, and Healing
    A Shattered Heart: A Journey of Hope, Trust, and Healing
    A Shattered Heart: A Journey of Hope, Trust, and Healing
    Ebook118 pages2 hours

    A Shattered Heart: A Journey of Hope, Trust, and Healing

    By Monica Hawkins

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    About this ebook

    A Shattered Heart is a walk with Monica Hawkins as she shares her emotional journey following the tragic murder of her son Dont. She shares how her faith in God was challenged and how she learned to bow to His sovereignty. Prepare to share her grief, unspeakable pain and her healing process to inspire you to hope, trust and love again after a traumatic experience.

    Her journey will encourage and challenge you to run to God despite times of feeling anger, frustration, hurt and hopelessness; knowing there is still a plan and purpose for your life.

    Monicas vulnerability, honesty and comforting words from her talks with God and her support system will provide guidance in your grief journey. If your heart has been shattered this is a must read book. It will help you or any loved one take the first step to finding your new normal after tragedy.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherWestBow Press
    Release dateFeb 11, 2014
    ISBN9781490826387
    A Shattered Heart: A Journey of Hope, Trust, and Healing
    Author

    Monica Hawkins

    Monica Hawkins is an ordained minister, mentor, motivational speaker and entrepreneur. Since the death of her son she has started a nonprofit organization Revive2 to begin again after trauma as well as a foundation in memory of her son’s story Delivering More Help (D.M.H). Scholarship Fund to support college students with a monetary gift to buy books. Monica has allowed God to turn this tragic experience to triumph by helping others through her ministries. www.MonicaHawkinsMinistries.org

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      Book preview

      A Shattered Heart - Monica Hawkins

      Copyright © 2014 Monica Hawkins.

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

      WestBow Press books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

      WestBow Press

      A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

      1663 Liberty Drive

      Bloomington, IN 47403

      www.westbowpress.com

      1 (866) 928-1240

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

      Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ All rights reserved.

      Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

      ISBN: 978-1-4908-2638-7 (e)

      ISBN: 978-1-4908-2637-0 (sc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4908-2639-4 (hc)

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2014902777

      WestBow Press rev. date: 2/11/2014

      CONTENTS

      Foreword

      Introduction

      CHAPTER 1   Caution…Behind The Yellow Tape

      CHAPTER 2   Saying Good-Bye

      CHAPTER 3   The Pain Is Taking My Breath

      CHAPTER 4   Facing The Hurt

      CHAPTER 5   Am I Losing It?

      CHAPTER 6   Where Are You, God?

      CHAPTER 7   Learning To Breathe Again

      CHAPTER 8   My Forgotten Mourner

      CHAPTER 9   Finding My New Normal!

      About The Author

      DEDICATION

      This book of my life’s journey from despair to triumph is dedicated to the memory of my son Donté Michael Hawkins, the one who was the melody to my song and the rhythm to my heartbeat. It tells how my Savior, Jesus Christ, used your life and this tragedy to teach me to live again by trusting Him. He produced a faith and power out of this pain.

      And to my loving son Davon D. Hawkins, whom I admire and love dearly. Thank you for the love you gave me to help me to go beyond my pain, and for how our journey of grief will cause others to believe that they, too, can begin again.

      Finally, to my friend, and still the lover of my soul, Jesus Christ, thank You for keeping me, even in the times I didn’t want to be kept, and for breathing love and life into me every moment of my darkest days. I am grateful to You, Lord, for choosing and trusting me to embrace this journey.

      Donté Michael Hawkins, you will never be forgotten, because you are always in our hearts!

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      It has been a tumultuous journey, the past year and a half after losing Donté. It has given me a stronger faith, a greater love, and an enduring trust in God. Although I have had many trials in my life, none of them compares to this one. I wouldn’t have made it without believing in God and my support system. I have taken comfort in the Word of God, knowing that He who has begun this work in me shall complete it until the return of Christ. Without my God’s love and my support system, I could not have made it through day one, let alone two years. Therefore, I want to take this time to publicly share my gratitude:

      To my loving and strong mother, Barbara Quill, whose love and support inspired me to begin again after each failure in my life, because it would only made me stronger,

      Pastors Christopher and Myra Bell. Pastor Myra, my spiritual mother and leader, your love, encouragement, and belief in me kept me clinging to the Word of God and continuing to pursue my purpose. Pastor Chris, thanks for your love and prayers.

      To my nephew Robert Agurs, thank you for always loving Donté and me.

      To my friends Ronniece Sirmons, Bernice Martin, and Robin Phillips-Skinner, your friendship, support, and love have given me so much strength in my rough days.

      To Tehia Cork, Stacy Johnson, Soleil Meade and Vanessa Thompson, thanks for loving me and giving me words of encouragement.

      To Otis and Tracy for designing my cover; it is amazing.

      To Mary, my trauma specialist, you were God-sent.

      And finally, to all of my co-laborers in the faith, and friends who have kept me and my family in your prayers, I truly appreciate your prayers and love.

      FOREWORD

      When Monica Hawkins asked me to write the foreword to her book about her personal journey through the grief she experienced, and is experiencing, after the shooting death of her younger son, I knew it would be extremely emotional, yet extremely helpful to so many. It is not a feel-good story that has a happily ever after ending, but one of learning—learning how to live, love, and hope again.

      Who among us has not experienced life-altering trauma? Some of the experiences have been devastating, pushing us to the point of thoughts of suicide; others we have learned from but recognize that their impact is lifelong. People seem to allow you to grieve when you lose someone to death, but very often people will not understand that there is a grieving process that you may need to walk through with any type of loss, whether it is the death of a relationship, the death of trust for people, or the death of innocence due to rape or molestation. Monica’s book will help those who grieve to understand their feelings in a constructive way. To those who have wondered if they can recover from traumatic experiences, Monica’s journey should encourage you.

      Her vivid depiction of the events and emotions that she experienced will also help those who support grievers. It is one thing to know the steps or phases of grief; it is another to experience the range of emotions of grievers, as their supporters, walking through the grief with them from beginning to end. This book gives insight into what grievers think about, what they feel, and why they do and say the things that they do.

      On behalf of all who grieve and all who support those who grieve, thank you, Monica, for your transparency in this book. I recognize that this was a hard project, but I know that countless people will benefit from it.

      Myra Bell, Author and Pastor

      INTRODUCTION

      Why I wrote this book …

      Everyone experiences trauma in their lives. Many times we attempt to get through it alone because we think no one will understand. Sometimes we can’t explain the pain to people. Too many times, people will tell you, Just get over it.

      This book is to encourage you to face the shock, anger, and hopelessness, and not let it detour you from what God designed for your life. It’s very difficult for some of us to live beyond the pain of the things that have occurred in our lives, whether sexual abuse, domestic violence, or experiencing the loss of a loved one.

      My life was forever changed on May 6, 2012. My heart was shattered, and there were moments that I didn’t think I would be able to go on. In this book I share my journey. I chose, when I felt so hopeless, to hope in the God to whom I had given my life. I dared to trust in God, who said that He would never leave me or forsake me. In this book I share how there were moments when I doubted God and was angry with Him, but then I believed God. I learned firsthand that believers don’t mourn in the same way as unbelievers. I learned that God is not saying that we won’t grieve, but rather that we still have Him with us as we grieve. Grief is something that you don’t get over, but you can learn how to live through it by trusting God.

      God has a purpose and a plan for our lives despite the loss. God told Jeremiah in the Bible, Before you were formed in your mother’s womb, I knew you. —Jeremiah 1:5.

      There were moments that I didn’t want to think about my future. I found that although there are times we don’t understand, if we allow Him to comfort us and show us that He loves us, we can obtain a full healing.

      As you read this book about my journey of pain, loss, and being restored, I pray you find the comfort you need to begin to live again.

      CHAPTER 1

      CAUTION…BEHIND THE YELLOW TAPE

      For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me,

      and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.

      —Job 3:25

      It had been almost a year since I walked behind the yellow tape that had the word CAUTION in bold, black, capital letters. It was May 2, 2013. My older son, Davon, and I frantically tried to make it to the airport to catch our plane to Denver, Colorado. We had a 6:00 a.m. flight. Of course, Davon was late picking me up. I told him we needed to leave by 3:00 a.m. to make sure we would be on time to catch the flight, and at 3:45 a.m. he finally arrived. It was pitch-black outside, but I could see the brightness of the moon. We rushed to load the car and get on the road to the airport.

      I was frantic and panicking on the inside, but on the outside I was calm, singing gospel music. Inwardly I prayed, Lord, let us make our flight. I desperately needed to get away and start a new journey after the year I had just had. To make things worse, I looked at the gas tank and blurted out, Oh no, we don’t have gas! The intensity of my emotions raised the anxiety, frustration, and panic. I prayed, Lord, don’t let us miss our flight.

      The drive to the airport seemed to take

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