X-Parenting: The Art of Extreme Intentional Parenting

CONTENTS

Dedication

To Make A Long Story Short

The Fundamental Principles

Choices!

Who Doesn’t Want To Raise A Champion?

The Bubble Chart

Wherever They Need To Be

Summer Camps

First To Leave The Nest

Exposure

Parenting Is A Team Sport!

Truth And The Consequences

Married Single Mother

Support System

The Laws Of Implementation

Don’t Forget The Basics

How Would They Know If They Have Never Seen It?

Fruit Don’t Fall Far From The Tree!

Built-In Parenting Philosophy

The Military System—Structure, Routine, And Discipline

What Do Other People Think About Your Children?

Mind Control

Beyond Mind Control

Knowing Your Child

The Effects Of Birth Order And The Dynamics Of Siblings

What’s In A Name?

Boys Only! A Personal Preference

Emperor vs. Prime Minister

Changing With Your Changing Child

You Can Tell Me Anything Without Repercussion Policy

Fear vs Respect

Old School vs New School

The Reward System

Only Mom Has A Maid!

They Are Never Too Young

Honesty Is The Best Policy

Goal Setting

Learning Business Savvy

Patience Is A Virtue

Parenting By Your Own Hand

Just So You Know

The Next Chapter

From The Mouths Of Babes

Perspectives From The Editors

About The Author

DEDICATION

T HIS BOOK IS dedicated first and foremost to my children, Porter, Teia, Ben-Ami, Alexi, and Kai who have endured being test subjects in My Lab. I love you with all my heart and soul, and you all are the reasons for everything in this book.

I also dedicate this book to the entire network of people who have assisted me in the rearing and development of my children, most especially my mother, Dr. Vera Brooks, and my sister, Dionisia Ray, without whom most all of this would have been impossible.

My sincerest thanks to my closest friends for not only their curiosity about my parenting philosophies, but also their constant insisting and encouragement for me to actually write this book.

TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT

T HERE ARE A multitude of well-known parenting methods—the Tiger Mom, the Helicopter Parent, Free Range Parenting, and what I refer to as the Winging It Method where you make it up as you go, which is where most parents find themselves with the first child and beyond! I have never been able to effectively categorize the combination of parenting philosophies and methodologies that I chose before I ever even had children, so I can’t claim any one of these parenting identities.

At my very core, I wholeheartedly believe that it is my life’s purpose to be a mother; a mother with a mission to create champion caliber children, and whose legacy is an infamous philosophy of parenting. I define champion as one who is able to compete in life on the highest levels, and has an arsenal of knowledge and skills that provide distinct advantages. It is with this clarity of definition and purpose that I am driven to do what I do. My parenting style can best be described as Extreme Intentional Parenting where every plan is purposeful, every experience is calculated, and every interaction is meaningful, all working towards the attainment of the stated goals. There are a handful of Fundamental Principles that form the basis of my beliefs about parenting, and then numerous uncommon Laws that guide the implementation of those philosophies. These Principles and Laws create the framework for my parenting system. This book is a collection of those very actionable Principles and Laws, supported with details and facts, and validated by real life observations and the incredible stories experienced by my five children.

I actually never intended to write a book, but mine is a story that needs to be told! Admittedly, I harbor completely atypical philosophies and ideas about children and parenting which have long been topics of discussion and curiosity amongst family, friends, and strangers alike. The results evidenced in the children, however, cannot be argued, no matter the madness in my methodology. All five children are phenomenal in their own way: extremely capable students in advanced academic programs, independent and responsible beyond their years, well mannered and well behaved with old school values, very coachable with either natural or trained athletic ability, well-spoken, logic, reasoning, and analytic abilities, and that special x- factor that can not be explained.

My purpose for writing this book is to document the intent, rationale, and actual planning and execution, as well as to share the realized successes and learning opportunities. It is my sincere hope that the concepts introduced in this book offer alternative thinking and stimulate diverse conversation on the subject of parenting. I offer my own ideas that are grounded in common sense, but taken to the extreme in terms of application or implementation. The aim is that my thinking, actual experiences, and successes and failures give you useable tools that you can easily understand and integrate into your own parenting philosophies and style. I offer you an uninhibited journey into my mind, my heart, and my life in order to be an inspiration to you and enable you to parent to the extreme!

THE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES

THE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES

O N THE SURFACE my system of parenting might seem complex, but it can be broken down, analyzed, and understood very simply. There are only a few grounding principles that constitute the foundation of my philosophies. They provide clarity of vision and purpose that allow me to drive the planning and implementation decisions that need to be made. In this first part of the book I will take you on a journey through my most intimate philosophies and beliefs, giving you total access to how I view the world and my ultimate responsibilities of being a parent. Understanding, not necessarily agreeing with, these principles is crucial to putting together all of the pieces of the parenting system and absorbing the messages and lessons from the real-life stories. I ask only that you keep an open mind. I promise that by the end of this book I will have given you a lot to think about!

Choices!

The most fundamental of my principles, and the backbone of my parenting philosophy, is that the child has no choices! You don’t have to agree, but you do need to understand so that the remainder of the principles and laws can be taken in the proper context. Choice is considered a most basic human right, but it requires thought and decision-making abilities based on your experiences and sources of reference. The younger the age, the fewer experiences you have to draw upon to be able to reason and rationalize through making a good decision. As parents we were both in agreement that most of the major choices for our children would be guided, influenced, or decided by us, having insight on the child and the wisdom of life’s experiences. We could assess the characteristics, passions, and needs of the child to determine their most suitable path, as well as make objective, well-informed course correcting decisions as the child grew, developed, and changed.

Now, to say that the child has absolutely no choices whatsoever may be just a bit misleading. What it actually turns out to be is limited choices, at a lower level, that have already been filtered down to options in the vein of the intended path. Essentially the child is making choices at a level that they are prepared to make them at that moment, and they grow into more advanced level choices as their experience and maturity levels increase.

For most people this level of involvement in your child’s choices is an unfathomable responsibility to take on above and beyond the responsibilities already required of a parent. Not to mention that some would consider it an infringement on the natural human rights of the child to make his or her own choices. Personally, I see it as an extension of my responsibility to ensure the success of my children and give them every possible advantage. It is actually no different than the methods more commonly known to most as control, brainwashing, and flat out just do as I say which almost every parent through the generations has done on at least one occasion. With this no choice principle at the core of my parenting philosophies, I have clear directive for driving the children in the direction they should go with extreme focus and commitment. That in some ways makes my parenting job easier.

As parents, we had delved into the subject of choices on more than a few occasions by painting scenarios involving different situations the children would eventually encounter and determining what decisions we would make. That way we could ensure that our reactions in the moment would mirror our intentions, and that we were on one accord with the decisions. Agreement between parents philosophically is key. Without it there would be conflicting parenting styles that would be very confusing to the child and would counteract cohesive progress.

The range of choices that might have to be made was so broad we could never list them all out ahead of time and get agreement, but in preparation for what was to come, we talked about a lot of different types of choices and what decisions we would make for the children: schools to attend at various stages of their development, their choice in a spouse, the best fit in careers, managing people in their inner circle who would become close friends, exposure to the world and everything in it, places they would live, first sexual experience, when various concepts or experiences would be introduced to them, the sport they would specialize in, and any number of other decisions that get made in the course of normal parenting. We discussed the pros and cons of our thinking to ensure we were not only of one accord, but that we were truly comfortable with our decisions. And I think that needs to be reiterated—we talked about everything we possibly could before, during, and even after having children because it is a continuously evolving process. Some of the plans we originally drew up had to change, either due to our enlightenment or a different development in the character traits of the child. Although plans fundamentally stay the same, they will often times need to be adjusted or modified.

The first public expression of this particular principle is an interesting story in and of itself. It all began with one of our usual philosophical discussions held around the dining room table of one of my best friends, Glenda. We were in the midst of conversation and naturally ended up on the topic of parenting, when she hit us with it. What kind of choices will you allow your children to make? The question was simple and straight forward, but carried with it a level of complexity that made me pause to really consider my answer and not just give a quick, emotional reaction. If I answered based on my own upbringing, I would have naturally said that the children would make most of their own decisions and it would be my job as a parent to support that 110%. If I answered based on how I have come to understand my own role of parenting, I definitely would be further left of that philosophy.

The pause invited more clarifying questions. Are you OK with choosing their path in life? With assisting in or arranging their choice in a spouse? I think she already knew my answers to those questions, as she knows me very well and we had spent quite a bit of time throughout the years discussing parenting philosophies. The answer to this fundamental issue of who has the choice, the parent or the child, is critical and will either enable or prohibit your ability to affect the type of parental structure I chose and which I will be referring to throughout this book.

Who Doesn’t Want To Raise A Champion?

Well, you could have counted us both amongst the group of dedicated parents that would sacrifice everything to raise not just one, but five champions. As absurd as it sounds, we really thought that was the right thing to do. Ok, we were influenced by the era of Tiger Woods and Venus and Serena Williams, but their notoriety was not the only source of our inspiration. Actually our own parenting philosophies and goals for our children were not far from the extreme methods those celebrity examples were raised under, so we figured why not? The children had the genes to support that goal and they would be raised in an environment that would also support that accomplishment. It would be the culmination of their success. It was always an inspirational thought in the back of our minds that helped drive our commitment, and helped focus our decisions.

We would often talk in depth about the current and previous athletes at the top of their respective fields: what they accomplished, how they were trained, and what it took to do what they did. On one occasion, we happened to be on a long drive and again began talking about being a top athlete. Living in Texas, Emmitt Smith automatically came to mind as an example. Then came the most poignant question that made us begin to question our decision, Do we want our children to be Emmitt Smith or Jerry Jones? That question hit like a ton of bricks. It effectively rocked the foundation of what we believed and the end game for which we were striving. To be clear, Emmitt Smith and other top athletes are to be commended for their achievements and contributions to the game. But from a parent’s perspective, the question basically breaks down to Do you want your child to be the top athlete with celebrity status that makes millions over a limited career, or the one who signs the athlete’s checks?

That was an absolute no-brainer! That one question pointed out a critical flaw in our philosophy and way of thinking—we were selling our children short having their end game at the level of the champion caliber athlete. We needed to expand our thinking and expand the children’s skill set development so that they could achieve that elite level of Jerry Jones and others that owned the business rather than being the star of it. Needless to say, from that point on, everything we considered for the children was viewed from that perspective and with that end game in mind!

The Bubble Chart

The most fundamental plan for our whole parenting philosophy was the organizational