Beloved

Beloved

Thomas Warner

Copyright © 2011 by Thomas Warner.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2011900750

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4568-5382-2

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4568-5381-5

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4568-5383-9

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Contents

PART 1

Diary of My Beloved

Foreword

Chapter 1 BAD NEWS

Chapter 2 ANXIETY RISES

Chapter 3 COOL BREEZE

Chapter 4 BLUE MONDAY

Chapter 5 ANGELIC NURSES

Chapter 6 MOOD SWINGS

Chapter 7 ON TENDER TREADS

Chapter 8 HALLOWEEN NIGHT

Chapter 9 WAITING

Chapter 10 THEY KNOW BEST

Chapter 11 HORRIBLE SATURDAY

Chapter 12 EMPTINESS

Chapter 13

Epilogue

PART 2

Life goes on

Chapter 1 COMING TO TERMS WITH LIFE AND DEATH

Chapter 2 LOST WITHOUT HER

Chapter 3 JESUS STILL SAVES

Chapter 4 THE LONG WAIT

Chapter 5 MARY’S WELL

Chapter 6 IT IS LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS

Chapter 7 STAYING CLOSE TO JESUS

Chapter 8 EMPTY WINE GLASS

Chapter 9 A SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS

Chapter 10 INDECISION

Chapter 11 REALITY CHECK

Chapter 12 JESUS WONDERFUL COUNSELLOR

Chapter 13 REACHING OUT

Chapter 14 SEARCHING FOR LOVE

Chapter 15 THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Part 1

Diary of My Beloved

Foreword

This is not beloved’s life story for that is not mine to write, but it is the main part off the last 3 months of her life when she loved, lived, then went home to Him who created her, farewell my beautiful wife I will see you again when the time is right, when at last our two spirits reunite.

First there was uncertainty-then there was a swelling—then there were some tests—now comes the results . . . .

Chapter 1

BAD NEWS

September 04th-09-08 It’s been almost three weeks now since Bernie has been diagnosed with breast-cancer. On her second visit to the hospital her daughter Lilly came along with me to support her. Dr Rock a lady doctor told her straight out that there were significant abnormalities and they did not know what type they were or where they were coming from. (They have since told her they thought it was in the lung). She must have been terrified but she never said she was poor thing. I know I was.

A few days before she had had a CT scan which turned out clear thank God, and then went on to have an Ultra Sound Scan and in the middle of this a male doctor came in and sapped her with this mini-Bi-Opsy instrument on her right breast. Bernie was told that this would hurt and hurt it did leaving a fair amount of blood behind which upset her even more, poor thing.

One week prior to our going on holiday on the 18th of September they phoned her to say that they had found where it was coming from and on a scale of one to ten it was very good news indeed. Her relief was very oblivious and so was everyone else’s including my own although I have to say it took a little longer to sink into my simple mind, a fact which shook me even more.

They told her she could go on holiday for the week and than they would start the treatment when she returned; that is after her very early appointment on the 5th of October which was to outline what they were about to do. I have to say she was so courageous and we had a great time in Italy, although knowing her so well I could see from time to time she was suffering, on our return home she took to waking very early in the mornings and I could hear her shuffling out there in the sitting room. I knew she was trying to keep herself busy but I knew in my heart that she could not keep this up for long, and on the second morning home from Italy which was the 27th of September she got up around seven of the AM and after a few minutes I thought I hear her crying so I went out to check and she was indeed crying like a baby.

All I could do was hold her tightly and let her sob away as I knew that she had to cry some of the fear out of her system. No one could keep that kind of fear all bottled up. She apologised for crying, imagine that, the poor girl was petrified, I put that SAD therapy light on, you know that ultra violet light that is supposed to lift the spirit on those very wet and dull Irish mornings; then I made her a cup of tea just to let her cry away alone which she did for awhile. I offered to take her out into this rare and beautiful September morning but she said she would rather go alone which I understood completely. She threw a few things into the washing machine and then put on her make-up and looked as beautiful as any heavenly Angel and I remember thinking or hoping rather that she would not be going up there for a very long time.

She never went for that walk instead we drove to the Square. ‘I’m too tired to walk’ she said. There was a silence in the car that was uncomfortable so I put a Tom Waits CD on. Which isn’t always the best thing to do as he is not everyone’s cup of tea, anyway as we turned the corner Mary a lady who used to live in the upstairs apartment came along and we offered her a lift to the Square which she accepted gracefully.

After some small talk I was surprised to hear Bernie tell her point blank the she had breast cancer. Deadly silence descended in the car for what seemed like ages but was only for a moment or two. Then the usual stuff, you got to be positive and all that. Mary then told us about her husband Amen who is a security guard with Group 4 Security Company. He had been held up a few weeks ago by some criminals who held a gun to one of the guards head and the two guards inside the van had no option but to hand over some bags of cash. Her husband was very shook up and sure who wouldn’t be. With the result that he was and still is out of work months later with the shock of it all. Poor man must have been horrified.

In the shopping centre Bernie was not her usual self, forgetting half of what she went there for, and taking twice as long to do the shopping. This was to be expected I supposed. Everything has changed and fairly quickly too.

Five or six years ago Bernie and I were homeless. After our respective marriages broke down we found ourselves sleeping on other peoples floors. We were grateful to those who put us up but there is no place like one’s own home. Then when we finally got our own little one bedroom apartment it was like winning the lotto.

It was a wonderful time for us and we were very happy there and we still are. I love that place, it gave me back my dignity and my spirits were lifted like never before. Now as I look around our little home it depresses me something terrible. Why? Because we let it become clustered up so.

There is nowhere to hang anything. Every available space is occupied by something or other. In the bedroom I have to step over things on the floor. Once I even woke up with my foot through the handle of a new bag she had bought weeks ago, another time it was a coat hanger. I believe that under the bed the coat-hangers are breeding like rabbits. We can’t even open the hall door fully because of the coats hanging on the back of it.

So here I am deciding to de cluster the bedroom. Along the wall facing the bed are two large wicker baskets full of bed clothes and old shoes and other stuff. ‘What are you doing?’ she asks me as she sees me pulling the larger one out of the bedroom.

‘Look love’ I said, ‘Just go into the sitting room for awhile, I’ve stuff to do here’ I begin to drag the larger of the wicker baskets out into the hallway outside out apartment. She comes running out and tearfully says ‘What are you doing? That is part of my life your throwing away’ and begins to trawl through the basket frantic like, and then like a bolt from the blue it hit me. This is the kind of stuff you do after someone has died, not before, this must the way she is thinking and she became very upset. And I did also.

Her sister Marian came around and that was the time for me to get out of the way; so here I am in the bedroom writing this, it will keep me from going crazy if it does nothing else, and maybe when all is well again, which I believe will be thanks to the doctors and staff in Tallaght hospital, and with the help of our God and His blessed Mother, (it may also help someone else). Marian has been talking to her now for almost three hours and poor Bernie looks wrecked. Marian is lovely but tends to dwell on the negative a lot, which is not good.

We hope to go out later, maybe a meal or to the cinema, anywhere to take her mind of things poor soul; however what we want and what we get are two completely different things, this has been my experience. True to form we did not go out, at least no further that the local chip shop where we got two smoke cod and chips, mmmm lovely. Later on we will say our Rosary giving thanks to God and then watch the Get Smart DVD, a blast from the past.

8-15 PM still Saturday. And we have done the Rosary in which we find ourselves at peace if only for a short while. We pray for all who are suffering in the world, there must be millions and millions of people who are hurting. Anyway Rosary said we put on the film, Get Smart, a copy we got somewhere, two minutes into the film and my beloved is fast asleep on the sofa, she is exhausted poor thing. It’s been one hell of a day and this is only the beginning. Thank God for God that’s what I say.

Half an hour later her sister Martina rang and she is an Angel sent from God. She herself had breast cancer and knows exactly what Bernie is going through. Step by step she takes her through the early stages, not dwelling on the later stages, or if she does she does so in a humours manner, e g, ‘I looked like Sinead O Conner’ that kind of stuff. I turned off the television and started to lock up for the night; I could see that she was jaded (very tired) and when the conversation she was having with her sister ended she followed me into bed and in no time at all she fell fast asleep.

It was hard to believe that just three days ago we were in Italy. We had been to Capri on the last stage of out trip. We went to Napoli or Naples as it’s known to us Irish. A beautiful shipping port, I was amazed at the size of the cruise ships and how many there were, three or four storeys high they were. Some one said that Naples was a city of crime and that it was very dangerous for tourists to stroll around. Be that as it may it was an exciting city to be in.

From there we got the ferry to Capri, forty minutes or so and we were there. The jewel in the Mediterranean they call it, and it was beautiful but far too many tourists for my liking; one could hardly move and this is September, I shudder to think what it must be like in July—August. But it is a beautiful island.

Two days before that we were in Pompeii. Wow, what a place; frozen in time since the year 79AD where all those people died after that volcano erupted, what was it called again? Oh yes Mount Vesuvius. Did you know that they had sliding doors back then, and the width of the railway tracks came from them having to step over the sewage along their narrow streets, stepping stones were placed so the donkey and cart would also be able to traverse the tiny roads, this measurement is the same used today for the train tracks that run the length and breath of the worlds railway systems.

It as a busy port for traders from all around the Mediterranean and men being men would look for the ladies of the night, or day, come to that matter; one way of finding out where they where would be to listen for the cat-calls. One lady would stand outside the house and howl like a wolf, a she wolf it must be said. The sound would be followed until the house was found. One has visions of the poor man puffing and panting the closer he got to the house before he indulged himself if indeed he had any puff left at all.

Another way was signage, on the roadway here and there would be found a sculpture in stone of a man’s erect penis pointing the way to the house of delight, eh, I mean, the brothel. Once inside were murals on the walls depicting various positions and the seeker would negotiate a price for which ever one he wanted, here it must be said that each one of those paintings can today be found in the Karma Sutra, and each lady was rated from one to eight, but we were told of one lady who had a rating of Eighteen, wow, she must have been hot, oh sorry, I mean good at her trade. There are dozens of more important sites but I’m too excited now to mention them.

The day before Pompeii we went to see the Villa D’ Este in Tivoli water-gardens; this is a massive estate belonging to some high ranking Cardinal or someone like that, tell you the truth I was not listening, I was too mesmerised by the size of the place, and all its water fountains, there were hundreds of them, beautiful they were. But the one thing that stuck in my mind was that two years ago Bernie and I were here. Once you enter the estate it’s all downhill and what goes down must come back up, hundreds if not thousands of steps, Bernie took one look and knew she could not do the tour this time, one elderly lady, Kitty is her name, was eighty years of age and she manage to do all those steps. Bernie who is almost thirty years her junior could not.

Poor thing had to wait in the coffee shop until the tour was over, she was not on her own though, some other girls could not or would not do the tour. They were just not interested I suppose, not everyone is into gardens no matter how splendid.

Sunday the 28th of September Bernie was up early as seems to be the custom for her these days. I confess I love my bed. I keep telling myself I’m practising for when I die. I have been known to go to bed at ten-o-clock and not get up until seven or eight the following day, my record is sixteen hours, only time in that time I get up is for the loo or and a bowl of Corn flakes.

On the fourth day of our holiday we went to see Ancient Rome. We took in St Peters Basilica—the Vatican museums and the Sistine Chapel, wow, what Art, what Culture, and what treasures are in that little country the Vatican. Bernie reckons that it all should be sold off and the money given to the poor. She has a point but where would a poor soul like me get to see such beautiful works of Art?

No tears this morning then. But every now and then I would glance her way; she has such a beautiful face. Helen of Troy may have launched a thousand ships, but my baby’s face could easily sink so many more than that, if their captains were not paying attention to what they should be doing instead of admiring her beautiful face.

She has such a sense of humour, so bubbly and fresh, though she has put on a little weight of late but hey—nobody’s perfect. Everyone loves her warm and charming ways. She makes people’s spirit lift and usually leaves them laughing as she leaves them to go on her merry way. I do not tell her enough but I do love her so, she is infectious and she has infected me, through every vein and vessel in my body.

This morning at mass we met our long time friend Bridget, that poor soul has been through the mill, having lost one daughter, now her other daughter Sofia has breast cancer and is really struggling to come to terms with it. She is also thirty weeks pregnant, she met Bernie for the first time this morning and the two of them bonded immediately. They both spent some time consoling each other. A lot of tears were shed and Bernie was brilliant the way she hugged and consoled that young lady, playing the mother hen to perfection. God is wonderful the way He sends His Angels to encourage one another. He is full of Love and Compassion for His children full stop.

Bernie’s brother Steven and her daughter Lilly came over this evening, they are so full of love for her. Her whole family are so very supporting of her; it makes me dizzy sometimes but leaves me filled with wonder at the love they have for her.

Every now and then she makes light of her situation but I know inside she is very, very frightened. I also know that she has to face it head on. I have to allow her to do so at her own pace, and must not keep jumping up and down to do things for her, which is not something I do anyway to any great degree. I cannot allow her to sit there and feel the fear all the time and yet feel the fear she must if she is going to be able to conquer it. 11-45 and another day, this Sabbath comes gently to an end. Sleep well my beloved, for only God knows what tomorrow brings.

Chapter 2

ANXIETY RISES

September 29th—Monday and instead of lying on in dreamland as soon as I heard Bernie and Lilly going down to the Square to sort out a few things, up I jumped and started to sort out a few things myself. I tidied up the sitting room and ran over the floor with the mop, cleared everything out of the hall and painted the ceiling and walls, we had bought the paint before but I never got around to using it. The sweat was pumping out of me as I went into the bathroom and did the same. It looked real nice and I was glad I made the effort. Once my body gets over the shock I’ll tackle the bedroom, hopefully every room will be done before I go back to work on the 6th of October. That will be my full four weeks holiday used up, what I’m going to do when the going gets tough I do not know. I will have to leave that in the hands of our beautiful Saviour. And trust in Psalm 23 the Lord is my Sheppard I will not want.

Sometimes when reality hits home I get this terrible fear not of dying but of living out the rest of my days alone and afraid. I know that God is there but sometimes I would like to see Him, I have often felt His presence and on those occasions I would face a man-eating tiger, after all I have been married for nigh on thirty years, but those feeling of utter helplessness are terrifying thank God they only last but a moment.

Anyway one must be positive at all times, especially at those dark moments when all one wants to do is to creep into bed and sleep ones life away. Thank God for our prayer-group friends who call every now and then particularly Wally and Maureen from down there on Main St Tallaght village, that couple really are a Godsend, God bless them and all the other people who pray for those in need, I believe prayer to be a powerful weapon in the fight against sickness and other things.

3-15—My beloved is back with her daughter Lilly of whom it has to be said is wonderful, running round trying to get everything sorted, like a medical-card, and listening to her (getting things done) it’s like trying to pull teeth from a two year old heifer. Ringing the hospital making sure that they know that the 4th is the day Bernie has her appointment, of course they know but one hears some terrible things about the HSE these days, horror stories, but these must be put to the back of ones mind as onward we go.

I was feeling good today and even a little frisky if you get my drift. Bernie was standing at the kitchen door and I must say she looked beautiful. The sap began to rise and I cunningly made my move. Like a prowling lion I pounced and wrapped my arms around her in case she tried to escape. Like a good detective I frisked her to try to get her in the mood, I felt this hard thing in her bra and suddenly it light up with a blue light. ‘Christ what’s that,’ I said jumping back ‘It’s me phone.’ she said, ‘in case the hospital rings’. God, that put an end to my gallop, not even Viagra would work after that.

She is busy in the kitchen cooking dinner, chops today, nice, peas and spuds, mmm, lovely, I only hope she remembers to turn the oven on this time, poor thing, she means well but cooking is not one of her good points, her mother now that was a different matter, she was a qualified chef in Moran’s hotel in town somewhere, sadly Bernie has not inherited her gift. She has many other gifts thought, when I think of some I’ll write them down.

The ovens on, I can smell the chops burning I better go before the kitchen goes on fire. September 30th Tuesday looking forward to the prayer meeting tonight, a chance for a change of scenery for a couple of hours. The hospital rang this morning. Bernie has an appointment for Thursday the 4th October. I can feel the fear coming from my beautiful wife. The silence is deadly.

Now the nerves really come into play. Martina says they will probably take her in Friday and do the business Monday. The apartment is in chaos at the moment but the painting is coming along nicely thank you. I’ve even hung the TV on the wall and freed up the corner left of the window. I know she is worried and who wouldn’t be poor thing. My mind is beginning to stray all over the place, which if I’m honest is nothing new, but I’m starting to lose a little weight. Maybe I can afford to lose a stone or two, but I’ve been skinny all my life and I don’t want to go back down that road. Bernie also is keeping herself very active, but she is very quite, God, life can be a bitch sometime, and they say you have to be a bastard to live it but thankfully we don’t think like that. I will pray like hell (pardon the expression) tonight and ask all the others to do likewise, although they do that already, bless their little hearts.

Another few days and I have to go back to work, dam it, just when she will need me most. Lilly and her family, along with Steven, Bernie’s brother, will all be in Paris, going to Disneyland with all the kids next week so support will be very limited. Somehow or other though, we will manage, we have too, full stop.

October 1st Wednesday; I tackled the sitting-room this morning. Bernie had gone out with Lilly, still sorting out stuff. I’m wrecked, having to move furniture about, paint the wall then move it back again. Two coats of white emulsion straight from the can, the ceiling nearly broke my back.

I also done the kitchen, took me most of the day, Bernie came back as I was finishing off, I mention something smart about two iron boards and she went for me in front of Lilly, needless to say I was not amused. It sort of took the good out of all the work I