God Used Holes in My Son's Shoes to Change My Life: Inspired by a True Story

Chapter 1

Many kids can remember a lot about their childhood. Me? Not so much, but I do remember bits and pieces. I remember enough that we lived on C Street in J Town. I was the fourth child; I had three older brothers from my mommy’s first husband and I had three younger brothers, so I was the middle child and the only girl.

My father was a construction worker and, when he came home on weekends, he didn’t do much more than drink and fight mommy. I didn’t understand that because, when he was sober, he was a totally different person.

My oldest brother, Otis, came home one day and begged mommy to sign some papers so he could go into the army. He just couldn’t take any of the drinking and fighting anymore. My second oldest brother, Earl, left and went to The Big City.

My mom made all my clothes. They were nice. She made me a dress and a bonnet to go with it. She took us to church every Sunday at the Baptist Church. My daddy didn’t go with us. Instead, he drank and gambled and chased women all weekend. Despite all of his faults, I often preferred to be with my dad over my mom. My mom didn’t like that, but I wanted to spend time with him. He always gave me what I wanted: he let me take tap-dancing lessons, ballet lessons and I even learned the violin. It wasn’t expensive. I dreamed of being a dancer or a nurse one day.

I dreamed of going to college and getting out of j town. We didn’t have much money. We lived in a one-bedroom apartment. I slept with mommy and dad and the boys slept in the living room. Mommy would bathe us in a washtub. I can’t remember why.

I do remember that white folks didn’t like us much and my daddy didn’t have no great love for them either. My Crazy Aunt took me downtown, where we had to ride the bus. When we got on we had to ride in the back. I asked, Why are we back here?

She said, That’s the way it is. Colored people sit in the back and whites sit in the front.

Why?

You ask too many questions.

I liked my Aunt, but she was crazy. She had two boyfriends living with her at the same time. She wasn’t married to either one of them but she told me to call them both uncle ~ Uncle M and Uncle Rabbit. She was violent towards them. One time she beat Uncle M with a cast iron skillet in order to make him give me some money. I don’t even remember what for.

I knew she was full of demons. One time I went to her house. Uncle Not so smart was in the house while she was on the porch screaming, You better not come out of there! I walked past her into the room where Uncle Not so smart was. He was bleeding all over the place. She had stabbed him with a pair of scissors. I was only eight years old and I couldn’t help him. He died of his injuries.

She threw hot grits on Uncle M. She used to beat them men for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She drank that corn liquor and, believe me, she didn’t need that. Dad never whipped me but one day My Crazy Aunt did and daddy got 38 hot. He didn’t want mommy to whip me either. She did it because I took a dime from Little Joe. She made me give it back. She said, Take his money and, one day, he’d be asking you for something. I had no clue what she was talking about then but I am well educated about it now. I was so spoiled that my brothers couldn’t stand me. I told daddy every time they beat me so he would beat them.

My life was already in trouble. White folks started blowing up churches and killing black people. My mom was scared ’cause I wanted to be with the Freedom Riders. They were a different kind of white people. They actually cared about the black people. They were from up north and they came to J Town to help us, but the KKK got mad. I made friends with a white man. He loved corn bread and black eyed peas so that’s what I called him: Corn Bread and Black Eyed Peas. He was from The Windy City and he gave me a fur coat. It was too big but I loved it anyways. J Town was a nightmare. Even little white children threw rocks at you and call you nigger. You weren’t even allowed to look them in the face it would be considered disrespectful and that alone could get you lynched. How can a child understand what it is like to be raised up around such violence? It is by the grace of God that I didn’t end up a serial killer.

The years went by and I turned eleven. Every year on my birthday my dad would buy me a watermelon. No matter how drunk he was he always brought that watermelon home. This was to be the last one and one of the saddest of my life.

Chapter 2

When I was in J Town I only connected to a few people—Dad, My Crazy Aunt, My Christian Aunt, who was holier than thou, (everybody else was going to hell except her). Still, My Christian Aunt was nice—she always told me good stuff. She didn’t like My Crazy Aunt telling me to call all those men uncle; her bad ways kinda stuck on me (you will see it later in the story). My Christian Aunt tried to get my daddy to give me to her, but he said no; I was his only daughter and he wanted to keep me. If he had I wouldn’t be writing this story. My life would have been totally different. But God had me on the road he wanted me to travel. I believe our lives are already planned from the beginning to the end and God has a purpose for the good things as well as the bad that happen along the way.

And then there was my best friend. Her mom took her and all her brothers and sisters to The Sanctified Church, so her mommy asked my mommy if I could go. It was nothing like the Baptist Church ~ they danced and they were very happy! I never saw nothing like it; even for my age I knew something was different; I felt so free and I knew that church was where I belonged. God had planted a seed in my heart, letting me feel what being in His Presence was like. For where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Liberty. II Corinthians 2:17 KJV. I didn’t know that scripture then. Mommy took us to church but I don’t remember reading the Bible or praying.

Soon, I started going to church with Miss Lula Mae and God was planting those seeds in my life that would one day change my life forever. Later, I would remember that Sanctified Church and that would help me understand why I went there in the first place. We think we just end up places. No! Even before we get saved, God directs our path, because He is all about purpose. Jeremiah1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. So, it was God who wanted me at the Sanctified Church. Even though we would like to take credit for our lives, we can’t—it’s all God!

Some of the places I went should have gotten me killed, but every step I take in life is all for the Glory of God. Just read about Joseph. One day he was wearing a coat of many colors and having dreams, the next thing he knew he was being tossed in a pit. You think that was his idea? Of course not! God had plans and the coat of many colors was not included. On our journey we will lose many things.

There was an elderly woman I helped. Her name was The Mystery Woman. All the other kids were afraid of her. She was very, very old; she was blind and had only one breast. I couldn’t figure out what happened to her; I knew she needed help; she was very creepy. I don’t know how she did it, but she told me something I said or did. I can’t remember which one it was. I was nowhere around her. The other kids thought she was a witch. I don’t know what she was, but she was always nice to me. God was planting the seeds of caregiver in my heart, which will follow me into my adult life.

Do you see what God is doing? He’s planting seeds as I go, creating purpose. So, when the time comes, I can look back and, even though it looked like I wasted my life, God was using everything—good and bad—to shape my future. Good experiences, bad experiences; good relationships, bad relationships—just so I could succeed in the life and purpose He designed just for me.

Look at Joseph—he thought he was through dealing. Then they took him out of the pit and now his journey continues. It’s not over till God say’s it’s over! Just remember, God is always in control. I didn’t always know this. We have a destiny.

It was meant for me to be born in J Town, but it was not God’s plan for me to remain there. Even though it broke my heart and separated me from those I loved (especially my dad—I was his favorite.) Joseph was his dad’s favorite. He was born in Canaan. Just because you were born in a place does not mean that’s where you get to stay; you have to follow the leader, which is the Holy Spirit. Soon as you are born, He begins to lead you to your destiny.

Chapter 3

On a Saturday morning we all got up, like we always did. Daddy was gone to work; mommy was doing what she do. We all went out to play; everything seemed normal. Then, about noon, some of the kids in my neighborhood found me over on Lynch Street. They were yelling, There’s a car in your yard with an out-of-state tag! I was excited. I didn’t know who that could be. I started running and laughing but, when I got there, my whole expression changed. Mommy was putting clothes in the car fast as she could and they were our clothes!

I can’t remember the date only the day. I said, What’s happening?

She said, We going to Winter Town with your rich uncle. First time I ever saw him and wish I hadn’t saw him then.

I screamed, What about daddy? He come home we won’t be here! Now, I am crying, Why, mommy, why?

I tell you what, you go and take Byron, Mr. P and Asher and leave me and Moore go.

Mommy, please don’t take us away from daddy. She made me get in the car and we left J Town. I can’t imagine the pain daddy felt when he came home and his whole family was gone. I was being selfish. It wasn’t me daddy was beating on. If it was I know I would have wanted to leave too. You beat a dog long enough, and he’s not tied, he will run away. Mommy was tired of being mistreated. I guess she didn’t know what else to do. At least she didn’t leave us or blame us for it. She loved us in sprite of what she went through.

The trip was long; we never been out of J Town. I just felt lonely and confused; never been without my daddy. I was 11. What can I say? I didn’t know what to expect. I was frightened; I had a lot of questions but I knew I would have to somehow find my own answers. I just didn’t know where to begin. I never prayed so I didn’t know how to ask God for help.

Isn’t that something you go to church for? Yet we don’t pray or read the bible. I don’t think we had a Bible. Probably had a manual of Satan. I was just one little sad girl. Byron was glad to leave (wasn’t his real daddy so he didn’t care); Asher and Moore was babies so they didn’t know. I was the only one affected. At that time, Mr. P was all right—he was always on the quiet side. Mommy loved Daddy, she just couldn’t do it no more; I don’t blame her, she did what she had to.

Later I would discover that it was all in the Plan of God. Romans 8:28 says, All things work together for good to them that love God; to them who are the called according to His Purpose. I believed mommy prayed. God sees all and He knows all. I believe, in our situation, He was protecting Mommy and Daddy from doing something they couldn’t take back. Some things are irreversible. Fighting can cause devastating results. Daddy could have accidentally killed mommy or vice versa. The enemy is not as dumb as we make him out to be and you and I have an enemy. Satan, who wants to ensure that the purposes of God are not accomplished, uses people, and whatever else is available.

He saw me dancing in that Sanctified Church. He knew God was planting seeds that would one day reap a harvest in my life; he knew God had a plan for me and it had something to do with holiness and he wanted to stop it. That’s why we had so much hell in our house: Satan was trying to keep God out. But, as always, God has a ram in the bush; He’s always ahead of Satan. God had already planned for mommy’s escape, even while Satan was planning our demise. God had already planned our deliverance. What the enemy meant for bad will always turn around for our good, even though we are not aware of it. We feel useless, like we are never going to be able to succeed in anything.

Leaving my daddy, my future looked very bleak. I believe we have God-given purpose and the devil hates us and his only interest in us is to take us down and keep us down by any means possible. He had already planted seeds of defeat in my mind. Galatians 5:17 says, That the flesh lusteth against the Spirit; and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary the one to the other. So you see, you are not useless or defeated. The Spirit of God is fighting to get control of your life, because we were born into sin. But when the time comes, God will call your name.

Chapter 4

Life has so many uncertainties. I had to start learning that you can go to sleep and wake up one day and things are totally different the next day. It don’t take much for the world, as you know it, to change. Just like Isaac. One day, he’s running around playing with the other kids, next thing you know he’s a sacrifice. That’s the way I felt what happen. Where am I going? More importantly, why am I going? Is my daddy coming later? Is this my last time seeing him? Inside, I was crying and scared. I couldn’t think of it as a adventure—that wasn’t my mindset; I knew deep in my heart mommy was running away from daddy. He had no clue where we were going.

That chapter of my life was closing and I had no idea what was next. Or maybe I didn’t want to know—new place, new friends—what sorta place was she taking us? Were the people friendly? How did the white people act in this new place? Were they like our white people or better or maybe they are worse? Do mommy know where she is taking us or is she saying any place is better than the hell she left?

When we first got to Winter Town I told you my brother Otis went to the army. Well, he got out, married Anne Mae, and moved to Winter Town. So we went to live with him in Winter Town. My nightmare had just begun. I just lost my daddy now I am about to lose my mommy and brothers. She gets into contact with The foster Uncle, whom I never met, and she just gives me to him like I am a sack of potatoes. A sacrifice had to be made. Guess who that was? Sound familiar? The Isaac story but, in this case, there is no ram in the bush.

So now I am on my own. He has lots of children. Some would say your mommy was doing what she thought was best for you: My Foster Uncle had daughters, so she figured that would be good for you, but no one asked me how I felt. Mommy should have waited. At least gave me time to adjust to the new world she had forced me into. Things were moving too fast; my little 12 year old mind couldn’t keep up with all the changes. She was pushing me into a place where I have never been; a place where I felt it’s time for me to take over; I need to try to control my situations; people are pushing me into places I don’t want to be.

I got to try to help myself—it’s called survival. I realize I was on my own Dorothy you are not in Kansas anymore. The first thing I did, never did it before, I ran away from my foster Uncle’s house. I didn’t belong there; I wanted to be home; I wanted things to be the way they were. I wanted my daddy, mommy and brothers back in that one room apartment in J Town. What is this? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Is God punishing me? That’s the first conclusion my 12 year old mind came up with. But she just took me right back.

I started Middle School. It was the first time I ever went to school with white kids. Didn’t quite know how to react to that, but my cousin told me not to be afraid. White kids in J Town throw rocks at you and call you nigger but these white kids were nice. I had to get used to the idea of being friendly around whites who were not freedom riders.

One thing didn’t change: whites in Winter Town were just like whites in J Town—they needed someone to clean and cook for them. One thing I could never figure out: they hate us, wants to kill us, thinks of us as the scum of the earth, but they need us to keep their homes clean, cook their food and some prefer blacks over whites to help raise their kids and this been forever.

I kinda built my own little world around myself; I had been severely hurt and overwhelmingly lonely. I didn’t know how to get rid of those feelings; I believe it caused me to be angry and bitter; I was in a hostile environment, with no daddy or mommy protection. People don’t treat you or talk to you like they do their kids. I knew I was not wanted or loved there and no one cared but my daddy and he didn’t know where I was. I thought mommy hated me because I reminded her of daddy; she used to say, You look just like your daddy. So she got rid of the last thing that reminded her of him and that was me. I was already illegitimate cause mommy and daddy wasn’t married when I was born; now I am illegitimate and an orphan. Believe me, this story is not going to get better no time soon.

Chapter 5

My Foster Uncle lived in the Springs, on Plymouth Street. He loved animals—there were rabbits, peacocks, chickens, dogs and the meanest rooster on the planet—his mission was to spur everybody who lived or came to that house. My Foster Uncle always went to the wrestling matches on Monday night him and My Foster Aunt and he took all the girls with him. Left the boys home—that was his birth control; keeping an eye on us.

My Foster Aunt had already prophesied that I was gonna be the first to get pregnant. I don’t know why some people could always see me doing wrong and nothing right. It was probably because of the way I looked. Even though I was very young, I drew a lot of attention, but not intentionally. I still thought as a child, acted like a child, but I just never seem to never fit in anywhere. I think