A Positive Journey

Copyright © 2011 by Drummond Marais.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2011900201

ISBN: Hardcover     978-1-4568-4790-6

ISBN: Softcover       978-1-4568-4789-0

ISBN: Ebook            978-1-4568-4791-3

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Contents

Foreword

The Journey Begins . . .

Interlude

The Journey Continues . . .

Conclusion

This book is dedicated to my spouse, Gary Pitt, my son, Matthew David, and every HIV-positive person in the world . . .

Truth is not only violated by falsehood; it may be outraged by silence.

(Henri Frederic Amiel)

Foreword

Truth never damages a cause that is just.

(Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi)

I am sixty years old, and although it’s been many decades since I claimed the status of being a ‘minor’, I still belong to several ‘minority groups’. I happen to be an English-speaking white African gay male, a conglomerate label which in itself encompasses a very small populace within my home country of South Africa. Although I was not born here, it has been my home for the past thirty-two years. Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, was my actual place of birth way back in 1950, and ever since then, I have continued to claim the continent of Africa as my birthright—my soul belongs in Africa!

Having been born a male and white-skinned in darkest Africa automatically gave me membership to my first ‘minority group’. My mother tongue of English was the common language of communication within the borders of that tiny British colony once known as Rhodesia, since renamed Zimbabwe, but when I first arrived in South Africa, I instantly joined another ‘minority group’, for the ‘Queen’s English’ yet remains foreign here; and when I finally overcame an internal battle over sexual identity in my late twenties, I became part of yet another ‘minority group’—an English white gay male living in Africa.

However, five years ago, I involuntarily joined a ‘minority group’ that is fast becoming a majority within this country. Membership to this particular group has been the most difficult challenge I’ve ever had to face in my life, for it includes a heavy association of social stigma—the heaviest I’ve ever known through any prior labelling. I have seemingly become a complete social outcast, a pariah, a tainted human being, with whom very few people will willingly interact.

I am HIV-positive—my body carries the dreaded virus!

When I first received the prognosis of HIV positivity in 2005, it hardly affected my life at all. Perhaps I had subconsciously been anticipating this information for many years prior. At the time, my body was functioning perfectly well, and there seemed to be no cause for alarm. I continued going about my daily life with a positive attitude, which I had adopted some ten years prior. I likewise continued to take good care of my overall well-being—I fed and nurtured my body, mind, and soul with all the right elements. Above all else, I chose not to succumb to ‘victimhood’, for I intuitively knew that I would somehow ‘survive’ this so-called plague.

The pages that follow are a journalised account of my positive journey during these past five years. I have seemingly followed a peculiarly mercurial personal path, to say the very least, but I continue to survive. No, in fact, I’m doing much more than merely ‘surviving’ at this moment. I live a full rich life, a great part of which has become primarily focused upon sharing my personal story at every given opportunity. And this yet remains my continued intention with the publication of this particular book.

I sincerely hope that my story will inspire and uplift you. If you happen to be HIV-positive, I want to remind you that you are not alone, and you’re certainly not obliged to travel this specific journey on your own—reach out and seek assistance, guidance, medical care, and communal contact with people who empathetically understand what you’re going through. There are people out there who do care, I promise you. And if the reader is happily HIV-negative, I’d like to suggest that you carefully analyse your personal opinion towards this virus as well as the people who are destined to carry it—hopefully the details that follow will inspire at least some level of empathy within you.

The Journey Begins . . .

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

(Dr Martin Luther King Jr)

Sunday, 8 May 2005

I met Gary Pitt at ‘The Factory’ around midnight. It was instant ‘soul recognition’ for me, and I intuitively sensed that our meeting was predestined. This is the soulmate I have subconsciously been seeking, probably all my life? Oblivious to our surroundings and everyone else therein, we instantly communicated, without trace of inhibition, frequently expressing physical love for one another’s body during the following five hours. The instantaneous physical, mental, and spiritual ease that automatically existed between us somehow implied that we were not, in fact, ‘strangers’ to one another. It was as if we were engaged within an explorative rediscovery of one another’s body, psyche, and overall being. Apart from many intense periods of verbal exchange, our sexual activities included deep throat kissing, oral intercourse, and oral stimulus of one another’s anal regions. In turn, we individually indulged in deeply penetrative, ecstatic anal intercourse with one another, without the hindrance of condoms—such was our implicit ‘trust’ in one another. We both sensed that there were no ulterior motives on either side. For us both, it was a blessed period of symbolic unification between two men through every form of intercourse possible.

Throughout our mutually satisfying and repetitive sexual, cerebral, and spiritual interaction, there seemed to be no need for the employment of ‘safety’ measures of any sort. No holds were barred, no lies were delivered, and no condoms were used. There definitely existed a mutually unspoken acknowledgement of absolute fearlessness between us.

I was emotionally devastated when we were obliged to part company at about five the next morning. However, I somehow knew that we were destined to meet again, soon . . .

Monday, 9 May 2005

With today being my day off from the theatre, I had hoped that Gary would be available to meet with me tonight. I had an intense need to see him again, as soon as possible. I required soul confirmation and, at least, some form of mutual affirmation with regard to our seemingly wondrous and almost surreal experience of last night. I wanted consoling reassurance that my feelings towards him were well founded and true. However, via cellular text messages between us during this past day, I have disappointedly discovered that our next meeting will only be possible tomorrow, perhaps . . .

Tuesday, 10 May 2005

At 1.00 p.m., Gary joined me at a News Cafe in Cresta. It was such a joy to see him again, and although sexual energies vibrated throughout my being, in response to his magnificent physical presence, circumstance decreed that our interactions should be purely cerebral on this occasion. I have now discovered even more information about this incredibly attractive younger man. For he is only forty-five and certainly my junior by nine years! Our commonalty of both having been born and raised in a country that was once called ‘Rhodesia’ provides us with a great deal of mutual referencing. As does the fact that we have individually travelled fairly difficult paths towards our individual self-acceptance of homosexual identification and lifestyle. There is also the pertinent fact of our both having once been married and subsequently fathering children of our own.

We had been engaged in intimately revelatory and comfortably uninhibited conversation for almost an hour when I suddenly realised that I was already late for an afternoon appointment. So I had to depart rather hurriedly. I retained a feeling of emptiness and disappointment for the remainder of today. Our second meeting had been far too brief for me to fully ascertain whether or not he truly reciprocates the feelings I have for him. I cannot, however, ignore the emotional intensity of my continued focus upon him. There is an aching need for his presence, deep inside of me.

Wednesday, 11 May 2005

As a result of a few fairly insistent phone calls from me, both last night and again today, Gary agreed to meet me this afternoon. He invited me to visit him in his nearby town house complex, and within minutes of my arrival there, we were both completely naked and soon ecstatically engaged in passionate lovemaking. Our sexual ‘hunger’ for one another was extremely explicit, and once again, separate decisions for each to have unprotected anal intercourse with the other were seemingly mutual; yet open communication in this regard remains unspoken between us.

Our given physical compatibility provided much of the confirmation I have been seeking for the past few days, if not the past many years. Likewise, during our post-coital conversation over coffee, Gary acknowledged that an important emotional element is obviously evolving between us, even at this early stage of our amazingly serendipitous bonding. And after the much-cherished intimacy of some hours within his delightful company, I could comfortably depart and go off to work that evening, with a smile in my heart. A deep sense of knowing continues to glow warmly, deep within me, for I love this man, and I want to continue loving him for as long as possible.

Sunday, 15 May 2005

I organised a couple of complimentary tickets for my new lover to see me in Chicago: The Musical tonight. I believed it timeous for him to witness this other very important aspect of my life to enable him some additional understanding of my creative psyche. He chose to invite a close friend, a recent ‘lover’, to accompany him to the theatre. Unfortunately, the said friend felt it necessary to impolitely depart as soon as the performance was over, so I was denied the anticipated meeting with Gary. However, dear Gary was apparently more than impressed by the show and was highly complimentary with regard to my own performance in the piece.

Although his praise somewhat delighted whatever remains of my diminished artistic ego, I had to assure him that fame and glory have never been high on my list of vocational priorities. And thereby, I sincerely hope to have discouraged any potential elements of sycophantic tendencies that he may yet harbour; I need to respect him for his own clearly apparent qualities of mature self-assertiveness, and I abhor the possibility of his ever adopting a misguided adoration of my so-called artistic achievements. I truly seek ‘equality’ with this man—something I have yet to experience in life. I certainly don’t want any potential partner to live within the shadow of my professional notoriety. Mutual respectfulness is all I have ever hoped for within all previous intimate relationships.

After a few drinks in the theatre bar, Gary followed me home to Hursthill, for we had made plans to spend the rest of the night together, locked in mutually satisfying bliss. Strangely enough, I was astounded by his natural giftedness with his manipulative parking of his enormous Mercedes Benz within my very cramped driveway. He is certainly a man to be admired, in every sense, and very soon, I was likewise avidly admiring his beautiful physicality within the privacy of my bedroom!

Our subsequent lovemaking was filled with emotional passion and, this time, contained unexpected elements of acute tenderness. Having always claimed a complete lack of inhibition within my expressed sexuality with other men, I am currently surprised by my fresh discovery of new and original methods and techniques that I have never before contemplated with previous lovers. Never before have I experienced such contrasts of the deepest levels of vulnerable surrender occurring within me, which simultaneously stimulate an almost aggressively masculine urge within me—the need to likewise dominate in return. This is truly inspired sex—‘soul sex’ perhaps? There is certainly an equality of sexual energy exchange, between us, which is completely new and exciting to me. My soul is wholly engaged within every moment we share together. My cerebral and physical faculties are continuously inspired and fulfilled by this man. We are complete together.

Monday, 16 May 2005

During this first week of knowing each other, Gary and I have been unable to meet as regularly as I would have preferred, mostly due to our conflicting professional schedules. However, he has seldom been out of my mind, and I am slightly concerned that I may perhaps be succumbing to a negatively repetitive past habit of mine—that of obsessing over a loved one. And as I nowadays consciously choose not to repeat old patterns of negativity, I have decided to exert an impressive amount of self-control where this new lover is concerned. As a result, I’ve been ‘rationing’ my telephonic communications with the man I love! We speak to each other only once a day, although a variety of affectionate text messages frequently pass between us.

This past evening, however, allowed us to spend at least a little extra time within each other’s company. My father happens to be temporarily staying with me in my Hursthill home, at present, and he briefly met Gary here, during a lunch hour late last week. And tonight being my night off, Dad accompanied me to a pleasant Melville’s restaurant where I hosted a farewell dinner for a dear female soulmate friend of mine, who shall soon be leaving town. I had already informed Gary of these plans, giving him an open-ended invitation to join us if he happened to be free. And much to my personal glee, he finally appeared at the restaurant. So he has now been introduced to two of the few truly important people in my life. I fairly revelled in witnessing their comfortable social interaction together.

However, with a subtle reference to our nocturnal activities of last night, Gary has decided to claim a solid night of sleep alone, in his own bed, tonight! Am I exhausting this younger man already? Naturally I am most disappointed that the finale to a convivial evening together will not include his presence in my bed, later tonight. However, perhaps this situation indicates the intended course for our future path together. For I am well aware that we are both highly independent-natured individuals and will obviously require occasional periods of solitariness, separate from one another, in order to maintain and nurture our individually established states of self-reliance and healthy independence—a respectful distance of balance between occasionally spending quality time together and likewise privately enjoying our separate independent lives.

During the past few years of my life, I have certainly come to terms with the fact that I am a solitary being. I love being alone. I thoroughly enjoy my own company. And if I have ever recently contemplated yet one last serious relationship within what remains of this present lifetime, it has always appeared to be a given requisite that I should continue to live separately from any future lover. So perhaps I should determinedly erase those persistent and rather clichéd little thoughts that have been flitting through my mind of late—the somewhat romantic notion of Gary and me some day living together and sharing a home should probably be eliminated right away.

Tuesday, 24 May 2005

I am a little concerned about Gary at this moment. We have not been able to see very much of each other during the past week, and although we chat regularly on the phone, I sense that something is amiss. Perhaps he is having second thoughts about our whirlwind romance? Because of my inexplicable yet intuitive inner ‘knowing’ that we are true soulmates and that our bonding was predestined, I have constantly attempted to reassure him with regard to the astoundingly accelerated progress of our still-new relationship. I fully realise that with what I now know of his personal history and previous love relationships as being his only possible reference, he may well be experiencing some doubtfulness within the continually escalating intensity of our love for one another. Perhaps he has previously experienced similar circumstances of having possibly fallen too deeply in love, far too easily and quickly in the past.

I consistently hear myself saying things like ‘Please just trust me, Gary. I know it’s still early days for us, so don’t feel pressured by my declarations of loving you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before . . . that happens to be a fact of my present consciousness! But I’m not requiring the same level of commitment from you . . . just let me continue loving you. Trust me, when I say that I have this inner knowing, which is unexplainable . . . , I know that we are meant to share our lives at this time. Our souls are demanding it of us . . . , so trust me. Don’t fear it and don’t doubt it . . . just let it be!’

But something else is troubling me too. Gary claims that he is currently feeling slightly unwell, physically. In his own words, ‘It’s probably just that flu virus that’s going around at the moment.’ And he doesn’t wish to compromise my presently excellent health by being in close proximity for a while, at least not until he has fully recovered. Is this merely a weak excuse not to see me? (Such a thought is surely a sign of my own habitual insecurities with regard to intimate relationships.) To even consider that this evolved younger man would make such an immature and feeble excuse is surely ridiculous. Such a thought denies all the positive qualities that I have already perceived within him. I choose to give him far more credit for being an honest, responsible, and mature adult.

He has also logically sighted that it would be most irresponsible for his current illness to potentially jeopardise my professional commitment to Chicago—I can never afford to fall ill during any theatrical engagement. And yet, as much as I accept his logic, I loathe having to necessarily accept the suggested concept of his beautiful body currently succumbing to any ‘dis-ease’ whatsoever. For I do not believe in ‘dis-ease’—it serves no purpose within a spiritually ‘evolved’ soul!

For the past decade, I have adopted a no-tolerance attitude towards illness and dis-ease altogether. I am of the firm belief that physical ailments and sicknesses all stem from internal mental and spiritual deficiencies—an outward expression of internalised depression. Mental frustrations, suppressions, or intense lack of soul fulfilment rancorously manifest themselves within the human body unless they are dealt with correctly. And thereby psychological and spiritual processes are essential to the effective rectification of any such so-called dis-ease.

It is quite apparent that Gary is a spiritually committed being, constantly in search of his own unique soul enlightenment and ever open to new philosophical ideas. But I do suspect that my outspoken opinion on the deficits of physical illness may be a concept that is alien to his current spiritual understanding and cerebral enlightenment. And therefore, his stereotypical ‘conditioned’ human response to a so-called virus that’s going around at the moment disconcerts me somewhat.

Thursday, 26 May 2005

Today I decided to pay Gary a visit, regardless of his cautionary advice against it, for he has apparently been unable to go to work for the past few days because of the ‘flu virus’ that continues to torment his body. Deeply troubled by this information, I had to see for myself. So I arrived at his flat armed with gifts of inspirational flowers and sustaining food, only to be truly horrified by the obvious signs of negative illness at work within his being. His naturally muscled form has dramatically softened and weakened since I last saw him. There is dullness in his eyes, a complete lack of stimulating energy at work. He has seemingly given up and surrendered himself to some unknown force. What can I do? How am I going to assist this man whom I already love so intrinsically? What shall I do to rescue his soul, for he is truly my own soulmate? How do I reinspire him to live vitally once again?

Friday, 27 May 2005

Sometime during the day, Gary informed me of a proposed visit to his doctor, Erlan Müller, at the Northcliff Health Centre. He has apparently decided that his current physical debilitation now requires drastic allopathic medical procedures rather than the more holistic methods he has thus far chosen to employ. I had to take a deep ‘spiritual breath’ upon receiving this news, as I no longer hold much regard or respect for the leaders and misguided followers of the medical fraternity in general. It is my belief that doctors have long since been unquestionably granted a godlike status within human society and that very few actual healers remain within their dubious ranks. But humans have a habitual weakness for desperately putting the future of their physical lives into the greedy mercenary hands of medical practitioners, who all too often only concern themselves with their own private financial income at the end of any day! Nowadays, the so-called doctors all too readily experiment upon their highly vulnerable and easily malleable patients with cocktails of newer and newer drugs or, when in doubt, too easily feed them those abhorrent antibiotic toxins that in themselves so debilitate any human body. Doctors have become careless, irresponsible ‘drug dealers’ in my humble opinion!

However, I desperately attempted to understand and accept my lover’s present predicament. Gary has reached the end of a self-imposed tether. He has become so physically incapacitated during the past few days that he is no longer able to adequately function upon an even vaguely professional level at his place of employment. And as I listened to his explanation with regard to this decision to visit his doctor, I, simultaneously, became aware of a troublesome feeling of dis-ease within myself!

That intuitive feeling was not misplaced. For a few hours later, upon my concerned enquiry with regard to his earlier meeting with the said doctor, who also coincidentally happens to be homosexual, I was told that the medical doctor had taken a multitude of blood samples from my lover’s body and had predictably prescribed a heavy dose of poisonous antibiotics. I just knew that my poor dear Gary would now continue to experience his sickness of body for some time to come . . .

Saturday, 28 May 2005

Although two potentially draining performances of Chicago yet lay ahead of me, I managed to fit in a short visit to my lover’s flat today. I was in no way encouraged by what I saw. Gary is looking worse than ever and now consistently vomiting uncontrollably. Yet somehow I sense within him a certain spiritual resilience. There is a vague glimmer of positivity in his eyes. Hopefully his prior soul determination is returning? However, I was soon obliged to relinquish any further immediate responsibility towards him in order to re-engage with my professional commitments at the theatre. My deep concern for his mind, body, and soul will remain within me throughout the next four performances of this weekend.

Monday, 30 May 2005

I visited my very sick lover today and insisted that he return home with me so that I can better attempt to take care of his waning health, hands on! I somehow sense that I am now required to feed and nurture the healing of more than just his ailing physicality. So I claim universal energy and inspirational guidance to assist me in the coaxing, cajoling, and the willing of his spirit back into the fullness of which I first encountered within him less than a month ago.

Wednesday, 1 June 2005

Today was the most extraordinarily emotional of all the days that I have experienced for many years. At my insistence, I accompanied my lover to Dr Müller’s room in order to receive the said doctor’s ‘pronouncement’ upon Gary’s present health, or lack, thereof. I had intuitively prepared myself for this event, for I had somehow already predicted the medical prognosis about to be delivered. I had, therefore, attempted to likewise prepare my lover’s sensibilities for the very worst possible scenario. But I probably set myself an impossible task therein. For how does one fully enough prepare another person to receive what is tantamount to a ‘death sentence’?

Gary was visibly stunned by the news that he has now been labelled HIV-positive. Yet his verbal response to the doctor’s patronisingly doomy prognostication was controlled and polite as was his acceptance of my immediate offer to likewise be tested for HIV in the hopes that such information might prove useful to this doctor’s prognosis. It was only when we were later seated in my car again that he finally allowed his turmoiled emotions imperative release. My darling lover literally broke down, bursting into tears just like a little boy!

My only course for response to this highly emotional outburst was to ask him whether he believed that I was responsible for the present state of affairs. To which he instantly replied in the affirmative. This fairly shocked and predictably disappointed me, for as little as anyone professes to actually know about this so-called HIV, it is almost common knowledge that the said virus does not make itself apparent within a mere couple of weeks of infection and subsequent incubation. And with his previously shared information of having received a negative HIV status merely a week before meeting me, I found Gary’s near indictment of my being responsible for his suddenly altered status very difficult to accept as it was simply based upon dubious medical hearsay. However, with my given generosity of spirit towards the man I love and with his desperate psychological needs in mind, I openly invited him to emotionally lash out at me!

‘Hit me, Gary, if that’s what you need to do,’ I urged him. ‘If you truly believe that I could have willingly passed a death plague on to you, knowing how much I truly love you, then hit me, beat the shit out me! If you think I deserve such punishment, do it . . . !’ I further provoked him.

His response to that was meekness in itself. He chose, instead, to reaffirm his ever-growing love for me. And as I held him within the reassuring embrace of my arms, I myself felt justly assured. I just know that we will be okay. I already accept my own inner strengths and indomitable survival instincts. I have so many experiential reserves upon which to call, whenever in need. My soul is powerfully at work within me, and my spiritual resilience is unquestionable due to five decades of extremely challenging life experiences. I have already successfully dealt with and surmounted many threateningly devastating blows of fate, in the past, including a couple of ‘near-death experiences’. The present circumstances hold no fear for me whatsoever! And I know that, should it be necessary, I can be strong enough for both of us. I just pray that, in time, I will inspire a similar self-determination of spirit within my darling soulmate.

Thursday, 2 June 2005

This past afternoon was yet another deeply emotional time for my dear Gary. For some inexplicable reason, he had felt obliged to inform his ex-wife (from whom he has been divorced for the past eight years) about his positive HIV status. So at his invitation, Michelle visited us at my Hursthill home at about 3.00 p.m. I respectfully allowed them some initial privacy but continually made my supportive presence known to my lover by occasionally appearing from the kitchen, where I was desperately trying to keep myself ‘occupied’. I hope he fully realises that he is not alone in this thing. I intend to stay beside him throughout this challenging experience. Hopefully, we will both continue to evolve spiritually because of our present circumstances.

Friday, 3 June 2005

As he was feeling slightly better today, Gary decided to return home to his town house flat after a very brief period under my personal care. I would rather he had chosen to remain in my home a little longer, but I must respect his natural masculine need for self-assertion and independence. At least his spirit appears to be rallying somewhat since the doomy news of two days ago. I pray that the present signs of hopefulness will soon lead him to a consciousness of complete acceptance and resolution with regard to his HIV status.

Later today, I also received a ‘courtesy’ phone call from Dr Erlan Müller. At our first meeting, two days ago, Gary’s doctor had found it difficult to accept or respect my personal attitude towards dis-ease as a whole. I believe he views me as a most irresponsible human being. However, I had made myself available to undergo the necessary blood tests for HIV but only with the intention of facilitating Gary’s general prognosis. I made it clear at the time that such information would be extraneous to me, personally. Therefore, his overtly hesitant words to me, during the phone call, went as follows: ‘Mr Marais, I sense that the information I now have to share with you has little importance with regard to your chosen attitudes towards your general health. However, I am duty-bound to inform you of the fact that your blood tests indicate that you are HIV-positive. I highly recommend that you undergo further essential tests as soon as possible. Your life is at stake, Mr Marais!’

I happened to be driving along the busy Beyers Naudé Drive at the time, and somehow his dramatic doom-filled pronouncement upon my health merely merged with sounds of the heavy traffic surrounding me. It was only after I had later returned home