Controlled Mothers and Damaged Daughters

Copyright © 2014 by Dr Terence C Teasdale.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2014906977

ISBN:   Hardcover   978-1-4990-0016-0

  Softcover   978-1-4990-0017-7

  eBook   978-1-4990-0018-4

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Contents

Author’s Note

Introduction

Chapter 1: Damaged by Denied Attachment and Emotional Security

Chapter 2: Damaged by Denying Self-Esteem

Chapter 3: Damaged by Bad Communication (I’m in Charge; I Know Best)

Chapter 4: Damaged by Over-Attached Basic Self-Paradigm (BSP)

Chapter 5: Damaging by Power Abuse

Chapter 6: Damaged by the Psychic Killers: Humiliation, Guilt, and Shame

Chapter 7: Damaged by Anger

Chapter 8: Damaged by Blaming and Victimising

Chapter 9: Damaged by Attacking Face and Impoliteness

Chapter 10: Damaged by Ignorance and a Lack of Self-Awareness

About the Author

To my loving, much loved, and admired Jo, who has shown resilience, strength, and fortitude in dealing with her life.

-TCT

Author’s Note

I n an earlier book, Controlled Women and Controlled Men , of which this is its sequel, I outlined states of mental disorder which, aggregated, control women in their thinking and behaviour. I coined the construct " controlled women " to indicate this unfortunate phenomenon. I do not categorically state that all of the disorders must be present to satisfy this characterisation. Rather, I found that a variety of permutations equally apply. Some, however, such as detachment, dependency, emotional defenses, and neurosis, are cardinal to the condition.

In this book I use the word evil in referring to controlled women. The word evil comes from the Old English yfel meaning ill. In its broader modern sense the word means that which produces unhappiness or harm. It is my thesis that controlled women cause both unhappiness and harm to their daughters. Controlled women are thus evil.

The major controllers of controlled women are The Past, Detachment Disorder, Neurosis, Emotional Defenses, Narcissism, Faked Dependency, Egocentrism and Co-dependency, and Fear-based Emotions.

Based on many years of practice dealing with the psychiatry of families, and women in particular, I have come to the view that controlled mothers inflict dreadful psychological damage to their daughters. In most cases, the damage is irretrievable.

In Controlled Mothers and Damaged Daughters, I explain how each of the psychological disorders is used by controlled mothers to damage their daughters.

Introduction

There is hardly any activity, any enterprise,

which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations,

and yet, which fails so regularly as love. Eric Fromm

The Gods made mothers so their daughters could sleep at night

We should all have the clarity to say "I am alive".

W e are living in a me-wanting-having world: a narcissistic world of " me , me , me ". (Oh. That’s enough of my talking about me. What do you think of me? ), of possessions, of greed, of anger and of aggression. But it is also a world of psychological and character disorder. It is a world of neurotic women inflicting enormous psychological disabling damage on their daughters.

Today, so many women are living with loneliness and internal anger, infused and mostly saturated by uneasiness: separateness, anxiety, insecurity and guilt: clinging like limpets to their minds so that all they feel is alienation and discontent, emotional impoverishment. And in seeking a haven from loneliness, they are despairingly pursuing what they have been denied by their own mothers: attention, attachment and affection: love. Emotionally moribund and detached, they embark on a life’s journey: to seek union with a man to make it two against the oppressive world instead of one.

Today, however, is an era of destructive acts and alarmingly high levels of mental illness and substance abuse. We are bombarded by a glut of surface-only statistics that show depression and anxieties are the unwanted companions of millions and millions of people, especially women. Prescriptions for anti-depressants have lined the pockets of pharmaceutical companies with gold. Our chemically-treated young, our future, our hopes, are being torn asunder by the epidemic of psychological disturbances that banish their lives to alienation, loneliness, and unhappiness. The ever-increasing number of suicides among our youth is devastating our families: the sticks and stones of civilized society.

There are a few, only a few, genuine attempts to yonder beyond statistics, those that do not play political lip-service niceties or seek narcissistic acquisitive ends, that address the issues connected with mental health. Over recent years, we have been mechanically served on expensive plates with reason after reason, all serving government face and purposes. But, all to no avail. Instead, numbers along with misery and hopelessness rise. Physical, spiritual and living deaths are the norm. In a life of plenty, we are living a life without joy. Real emotions are being lost. Instead, we see manipulatively stretched, sickly smiles instead of spontaneous genuine round laughter. Instead of considerate care, we see self-serving selfishness. Instead of responsibility, irresponsibility. Instead of protecting rights, destructing rights; instead of you first, it is me always first; instead of constructive communication, self-alienating social-networking anonymity chit-chat and instant snapshots that are substitutes for authentically satisfying interdependence. Instead of attachment, dis-attachment. Instead of connection, dis-connection. Instead of real pain, dulled despair. Instead of vibrant psychological health, mental confusion and disorder generating neuroticism and depression. Emotional frailty and despondency are the norm. We are living lives of narcissistic consumption and greed.

Families should be society’s cornerstone of togetherness, sharing, and harmony. Instead, we are witnessing and experiencing daily, family disintegration, because instead of joy and pleasure joined in attachment, there is fighting, disrespect, unhappiness, despair, and alienation. There is separation. And within these decaying families, daughters in particular are emerging emotionally and psychologically damaged: damaged by mothers controlled by mental disorders.

WHAT IS THE CAUSE?

We measure our life by time. We all have a right to Live a Life. Controlled women in search of affection are killing that time by living a meaningless life: a life of emotional solitariness and seclusion. Without pleasure, but with neuroticism as their fellow traveller, they are killing their lives!

It becomes imperative, therefore, that we challenge and ask questions about our practices that have brought our society, and in particular our women, to the edge. We need to dig, and then dig more till we reach a core that provides us with the answers.

Let me try to explain the whirligig of female neuroticism: mother-to-

daughter-to-daughter-to-daughter.

It is my belief that the very marrow of society must be our investigative starting point. And that kernel is the family. We must put the magnifying glass on parental socialization practices, for that is where the suffering begins. We must address the stake-in-the-ground of all families: the mother. In this book, I have attempted to do so.

For many, however, my diagnosis will attract repugnance and strong disavowals from those, like feminists and do-good counsellors who have led us, simple followers, down the garden path, forever taking the political and prejudiced view that men are to blame: indeed, for everything. They offer mentally lazy, underdeveloped and easy solutions that lack rigor and spunk, exposing their own psychological frailties and needs, neuroses, and reliance on ego-defenses; but above all, their intrinsic dishonesty.

For sure, it is the mother who holds the rusty key to a locked door she seldom opens to the outside. But behind that closed door, what the mother does, especially to her daughter, will provide us with the answer to the questions: "Why do so many of our daughters have neither a sense of self nor a love for life? "Why aren’t our daughters vibrant, unique independent individuals who have control over their own identities and experiences? Why are our daughters, our hopes, being estranged, Living a Life not of happiness, but one of despair and misery? Why don’t our daughters have the clarity to shout out ‘I am alive’?"

I believe we need to look at mother practices within the home to locate real and not trumped-up answers. Mothers need to look inside at their own feelings and emotions, and question their own bizarre and at times evil behaviour. Not outside, where it is so easy for them, with Sister Support, to blame and point fingers on everyone and everything but themselves. Answers rest with mothers who have themselves been emotionally abandoned and separated from their own mothers.

The answer to the questions is the controlled mother. A mother who becomes the evil mother. A mother who transforms her daughter’s innocence into neurosis. A mother who psychologically damages her daughter.

My thesis is simple, yet troubling:

Controlled mothers damage their daughters

WHY IS THIS SO?

It starts with the controlled mother. The real problem is that controlled mothers cannot relate or connect to others because of their own adolescent emotional plundering by their evil mothers. As a result, thanks to their mentally dis-ordered mother, they cannot love, but they want to love desperately.

Controlled mothers have non-productive ways of loving. From their very early childhood, once the excitement of birth is over, never-to-be-attached daughters are tossed out by their controlled mothers by malignant omission and aggression. They are abandoned and isolated from the very person who should attach, give hope and expectation, warmth and affection: the controlled mother; the evil mother. The sadistic mother.

Removed and set adrift from their psychologically deformed mother, daughters go through life in search of security and relatedness: their own emotional stake in the ground. They want an identity. They want an awareness of themselves. They want to fuse with someone else. For two to become one. Forsaken, they desperately want to be loved.

They survive in a world, however, where they are alone and insular, really knowing they were (and are) not loved, they become driven by doubt, anxiety and a shame that they are unlovable; that no-one will love them. Suspicious and emotionally set adrift, they become pathological and sink into submission and irrational thinking and behaviour.

Separated, alone, and helpless, the daughter wanders through life seeking emancipation, struggling to liberate herself from maternal psychological incarceration. She fails! Instead, she becomes psychologically dis-formed like her mother. Her state of separateness results in neurosis and its major symptom: anxiety. Forever! She spends the rest of her adult life trying to connect and overcome separation. To belong. To come in from the wilderness. She lives a life of me-wanting-having human possessions. Most of all, a husband who will give her what she desires above all else: love and affection; attachment and connection. She is doomed to fall short. Instead, frustrated, her life will be marked by frustration, aggression and anger, envy and guilt. As a wife, she too will make her own daughter her scapegoat and fuse into her, inner conflict and with it, the state of neurosis.

Unable to overcome separateness from being emotionally abandoned,

controlled mothers will forever be isolated and alone,

pervaded by insecurity, anxiety, shame, and guilt: by neuroticism.

The irony is that controlled mothers will never be loved until they know how bad they are, what love is, and how to love.

Controlled mothers don’t understand that love is an art! Ironically, they do not take their time to learn the art skills because other possessions have greater priorities to gobble-up their energy, such as prestige, jobs and careers, success, money, and above all power and status! All bringing admiration! There is far more importance and virtuosity in learning the art of motor car driving and climbing the corporate ladder than being adept in love. Controlled women have to show a licence to prove they have mastered the art of driving competently! Where is the controlled mother’s licence to say she understands and can practise the art of love competently? More importantly, where is her permission note to say she may abuse power, status, and control by perpetrating irreparable harm to her own daughter?

Controlled mothers, deprived and never having, shut off, isolated without love, denied intimacy, have become trapped in a me-wanting-having life: a life of emotional possessions. They are driven by shame, humiliation and aggression to get them. They hoard and exploit. They believe that what little they do have is of worth and belongs to them and what belongs to others is worthless.

The me-wanting-having controlled mother believes she has the unbridled freedom to consume her daughter with an attitude of eternal

emotional suckling for her own distorted benefit.

As such, controlled mothers (and wives) hate their lives. (This is their perception. In reality, they do not hate their lives! They hate the feelings they have about their lives!) But, they have to find ways to survive their misery! Their life’s journey is in search of love. Theirs is a life of lack. They use, turn to, and lean on others trying to force love from them. They seek the security of an authority possession (a husband) and the rewards that it brings by manipulation and dishonesty, and then tear into their scapegoat possession: their stranger-daughter, who attempts to refuse serving the crazy mother’s selfish purposes. Damaged daughters, however, lack status, and are compelled and seduced into to bearing the brunt of the crazy bullying, dominating and controlling mother, who uses perverted anger and rage to squeeze from their daughter emotional care and affection. Eventually, the daughter, who also needs to be loved, worn down and out eventually folds over and submits to sadistic forces in the hope the mother will love her too! Of course, she cannot. Badly behaved controlled mothers are evil mothers.

What emerges from this neurotic intertwining is that psychological disorder is passed on from woman to woman: a never-ending rotation of negative emotions that severely impair individuals and inter-relations, resulting in despair mental discomfort, and unhappiness.

Life does not kill. It is the hatred of life that pushes our youth to suicide

Controlled mothers infuse their daughters with what is dead inside them.

Once achieved, they stare at death in the face of their daughters

The reason that this psychological disabling carousel continues to whirl is because of the early-child exposure to a dysfunctional controlled mother. Trouble is, controlled mothers are not independent. Thus, they cannot, and do not respond-ably to their daughters; daughters who want emancipation: freedom from the authoritarian and overbearing restrictions of a controlled crazy mother and her destructiveness. They want to fly their wings like an eagle and be spontaneous, to accept their uniqueness, to know and integrate their personalities. To become a separate autonomous being to live a Life-to-Live.

Daughters want a me-becoming-being life. It won’t happen. Instead, their controlled mother, as we have seen, abandoned in childhood and rejected in adulthood, crazy with negative emotions, behaviour and psychological dis-comfort becomes evil by converting her own vulnerable daughter to neuroticism: a clone of herself. A controlled daughter who in turn will expose her own daughter to neurosis. And so it goes on, generation after generation.

I have written this book to highlight that controlled mothers damage their daughters and prepare them for an unfulfilled and meaningless life. A life of anguish and pain. It is written for anyone who has an interest in rescuing damaged daughters from becoming controlled by mental disorders and from the clutches of evil mothers. It is written especially for the damaged daughters. Hopefully, this book will help them understand that their misery is not self-induced because they are bad. They are not bad. Their sorrow and unhappiness, and at times crippling despair, are mainly caused by an equally damaged person: a mother controlled by neurotic disturbances, those passed onto her by her own disturbed mother, and those that she has had to cope with all her life. Controlled mothers and damaged daughters have a Life to Live. I am wishful that this book might engender debate and enlighten understanding, and in some small way enhance both those lives.

SO WHAT ABOUT LOVE?

When was the last time you met a truly lovable person? Cannot remember? Today love is simply a perfunctory exchange of personality parcels gift-wrapped in gold paper to bring hopeful and excited anticipation to the receiver. With the passage of time, presents become old, irrelevant, and forgotten. They are put aside and gather dust. Shiny and bright love wrapped in misunderstanding becomes dull and dusty.

Real love is a gift that doesn’t need gold wrapping paper. Yes. Love is giving. But it is not giving a newly-bought present. But rather giving and incorporating something far greater, something you have had all your life: your own sense of self! It is a selfless and independent act. With confidence and self-esteem, in giving your sense of self, your own being as you actually are, you choose to share your life equally with another. Only then, strengthened and enhanced, will that other know she or he is loved, and understands that true love needs not dressing-up.

The essence of love begins with knowing the essence of who we are

MY HOPE

My hope is that the whirligig of psychological disorder will stop whirling! Only by being independent, with a true understanding of oneself will one stop the rotation and cease being psychologically controlled.

Lack of independence + lack of understanding one’s true sense of self

=

neurosis

My hope is that all mothers will become aware of their psychological disturbances, shake off their shackles, and behave response-ably to their daughters with real love by giving and not taking, connected by equality and selflessness, without abandonment or rejection, to ensure that both will have a Life-to-Live of happiness, joy, and well-being, with their own sense of self.

Happiness is the desirable state of being

Love is a verb. It is giving. It is altruistic. It is "you".

In giving love we beget love

Shameless love is selfish. It is taking. It is "me". In taking love we lose love

Only by giving what is alive in us do we know we are alive.

And in giving, we bring others alive

MY HOPE IS THAT THE CONTROLLED MOTHER WILL COME ALIVE AND SELFLESSLY GIVE HER SENSE OF SELF TO HER DAUGHTER.

ENHANCED AND STRENGTHENED, THE DAUGHTER WILL COME ALIVE TOO, KNOWING SHE IS LOVED BY HER MOTHER.

Disease can be cured. Despair kills!

Chapter 1

Damaged by Denied Attachment

and Emotional Security

From birth, children need to feel safe.

Daughters need intimate attachment with their mother from birth. They also need to know that the mother is physically and psychologically available, not only during childhood, but also throughout their life. Controlled mothers, themselves psychologically flawed, are unable to satisfy these needs. They are too busy dealing with their own disabling neurosis.

Daughters of controlled mothers emerge as damaged adults

NB: I have written extensively