Cui Bono

Cui Bono

Urban Paladins Book 3

By Severine Wolfe

Urban Fantasy

Copyright © 2018 by Severine Wolfe

First E-Book Published September 2018

Cover design by Melody Simmons

Proofread by Stephanie Taylor Flores

ISBN: 9780463407202

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: This literary work may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, including electronic or photographic reproduction, in whole or in part, without express written permission from the author.

All characters, places, and events in this book are fictitious or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, actual events, locales, or organizations is strictly coincidental.

License Statement

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to all of the attorneys I’ve worked with and for over the years who showed me how it should be done, must be done. I think recent events have made most of them seriously question what is going on. I sincerely hope they demand answers.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First and foremost, this book would not have been possible without the work of Sidney Powell and her book Licensed to Lie, about the Ted Stevens and Enron cases. The book was a damning indictment of our Justice system. I’ve borrowed liberally from the information in her book, but with my own unique spin, because it’s so much more fun if you add in the evil element.

ONE

The most beautiful words in the universe, I have discovered, are not, You've won the lottery but are actually, I'm finally back home. Especially when those words came from Allie. Even better when they came after more than a year of being without her.

It's funny how much of an impact being with the person you love most in the world can be. So impactive that they can influence how you spend the rest of your life. We’d had only had a short time together, when you consider the whole of our lives, but I knew I did not want to spend any days without her in my life. When she’d removed that option from my menu I went into a spiral and had only recently pulled myself up and out of the hole I'd been in.

I raced back to my apartment. I'd never changed the locks knowing Allie had the key and I wanted her back in. I wanted nothing more. I was only slightly amazed that I was not blinding other people on the road with the wattage of my wide smile that would not come off my face. The only thing that really stumped me was the fact that I was not flying home because my heart was soaring at those short words. I'm finally back home. I'm finally back. I'm back.

I'm back. The two words were resounding through my skull like an endless echo.

Holy shit. Allie was back home.

I pulled into my parking garage and rode up to my floor, parking next to Allie's bike that was finally back where it should be. After I jumped off my bike and ran to the door that would take me to the hallway, that would take me to the door that would open and take me to Allie.

I stopped when I saw her turn around at the sound of my entrance. I couldn't move, couldn't go that extra step to grab her and hold her in my arms that had been mourning her loss for so long. I couldn't breathe. If I did, she would disappear, and I would wake up crying, again. I'd missed her so much it had consumed me.

This was when I realized I had not forgiven Allie as clearly as I thought I had. It actually occurred to me as a thought going through my mind.

Allie stood there. Her curly honey-colored hair was pulled back in a pony-tail, reminding me how young she was. She hadn't been here for her birthday. Hadn't let me celebrate with her. Hadn't let me celebrate her.

If I breathed, she would disappear and never give me the answers I desperately needed. I was so happy to see her and yet, so hesitant to just pick up where we'd left off.

Martin?

She was looking at me and her face became worried. Her nose did that funny little wrinkle thing she did when she was worried. I'd missed that look so much. She'd worn it so often just before she'd taken off on me.

Martin?

I needed to say something but everything I was thinking wanted to come out at once. I was so happy to see her. Angry she'd just flown off and jumped back expecting open arms and no recriminations. At least that was what my emotions were telling me. I wasn't even blinking, not wanting to give the dream any chance to escape my grasp.

Are you okay? She walked over to me and took my face in her hands. Martin?

I couldn't help myself, I leaned forward, and I kissed her. It was the only way to express how I felt, all the things I felt. She grabbed me and kissed me right back. Lord, it was so damned good. I dropped my bag on the floor and grabbed onto her with both hands not wanting her to disappear as she always did in my dreams. I dug my hands into her hair to hold her in place while I ravaged her mouth. This was not a kind kiss, a lover's kiss. I was showing her that I owned her. I needed her to submit to me and my anger, my love.

I began peppering her face with kisses, whispering her name in between each one. I knew I was crying, could feel my tears on my face and I tasted her tears on hers.

Don't leave me, I begged. I wasn't proud. I was honest enough to know I couldn't take her leaving me again, for any reason.

Oh, Martin, she cried and was kissing me again.

How weird is it that we were both there, wrapped around each other in the entryway of my apartment and we were both crying and kissing like there was no tomorrow?

I finally rested my forehead against hers as we both tried to catch our breath. Please don't leave me. I whispered.

She took my hand and led me over to Iain's recliner and made me sit down. She then sat on my lap, and wrapped herself around me, like she couldn't stand the thought of letting me go either.

For nearly two years I had dreamed of this, having her back in my arms. Now that it was here I realized I'd never confronted what I'd been feeling. So many things, so many conflicting things. I leaned my head back in the chair and tried to get my mind back in gear. I just couldn't.

I have no idea how long we just sat there holding on to one another. Allie seemed to be just as frantic as I was about separation. I kept going back to that. She was the one who left me, why the hell was she feeling anxiety? It was pretty crummy of me, but if she was suffering even half of what I had been, I could settle on that. Petty and vindictive, yes, but those were the emotions I felt at that moment. And yet, still, I could not hurt her.

I missed you so much, she finally whispered against my chest. I hugged her to me tighter. I didn't want to talk about it now. I just wanted to sit there and wallow in her.

I missed you, too, I said quietly. I inhaled deeply taking in her scent, the smell that was uniquely Allie. It hadn't changed. She hadn't changed her soap or shampoo. She was everything I remembered, except actually being there. It was already dark outside, and we watched the lights in the city outside the windows. Neither of us spoke again.

We must have sat there for an entire hour, maybe hours, just staring out the window, neither wanting to speak and break the magic bubble we'd wrapped ourselves in. She was there with me and I could not let go, no matter what. I could breathe now, lightly, in short breaths. I blinked very quickly, afraid I'd wake up and find myself in my recliner having dreamed the entire thing, my heart broken and sore all over again. I didn't want to go back to that place I'd been in for over a year. That place was pain and want... and almost betrayal. It felt like a betrayal, but it wasn't, not really.

To the best of my knowledge Allie had never betrayed me, but it felt like she had by leaving. This is where you have a hard time thinking with your brain. You know something inside your head, but inside your heart is something completely different that is at odds with what's in your brain.

I knew I hadn't betrayed Allie, because I'd tried. Some chick somewhere in Nebraska woke up in a motel with a horrible hangover and no memory of the night before. It was better that way. Allie had broken me. I had nothing to offer another woman.

I'm sorry, Martin, she looked up at me. I'm so sorry I hurt you.

I didn't know what to say.

I was raised Catholic, but I'm not a believer. Life had shown me that any belief in a benevolent deity is nothing more than a child's wish. But I'd been raised to believe in forgiveness. I was raised to believe in atonement and reconciliation. None of that was helping me now. I was barely keeping the anger at bay, but I didn't want to get mad and make Allie disappear again. It didn't matter that she'd just left, there was no huge blow-up, her storming out with some acid retort coming out of her mouth. I'd come home to a Dear Martin letter. I was angry that she'd left, that she didn't feel she could be with me and learn the things that would keep her safe. I hated it. I hated her feeling that way and making me feel the way I did.

Iain says that youth is wasted on the young. He's full of shit if this is being young.

I couldn't say anything though. The terror that she would just disappear and this time with her was only my mind fucking with me. But, it was real and tearing at me from inside. So, I just kissed her hair. She closed her eyes as if she had been blessed and I continued holding her in silence.

I began rocking the recliner. It was relaxing and calming to have her there. I didn't stop even when she started crying. Still, I said nothing. I had to hold it back. She wasn't just crying like girls cry in the movies. No. This was ugly crying, heart-rending sobs. I finally took one hand off her to grab the box of tissues on the end table and dropped it in her lap. I quickly put my arm back around her, afraid she'd fly away if I gave her half a chance.

I hated having to leave you, she was sobbing again. Brion made it so much harder, constantly asking why, when I could barely stand being apart from you.

Then why? This was what I really wanted to know. I had to know this before we could go forward. It was an important question.

I had to learn my call and how to protect myself. I was putting you in danger because I didn't know what I was doing. I kept thinking of what would have happened to you if I hadn't been able to pop a shield over us that night. What would happen if you got killed trying to protect me. I had to learn to protect myself as well as you. She looked up at me, her beautiful eyes filled with tears, they were swollen, and her nose was all red. You would have kept protecting me and I would never have learned what I have if I hadn't gone away.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes because I didn't want to show her the pain I felt. What she said was the honest truth. I hated it, but it was the truth.

I had evidently produced a scar over the wound on my soul her leaving had left me with. Just like back then, in the immediacy of the moment, I felt like I'd been hollowed out. If you've ever been to Ceilidh's house for a Fourth of July celebration you know what I mean. She always does a huge watermelon scooped out and full of melon balls. When you see the empty rind at the end of the night, that was me. It was me now, because suddenly I was right back there.

Spending months on a bike not really meant for touring the country, I just wandered. I finally came back home looking like Grizzly Adams and stepped into my harness and started working. That's when the scar began forming and the wound was... healing. Eventually, I began working out again, and actually enjoying my job at Kane. I was healing, but even at this moment, I was not healed. I wanted to heal completely. I was sick and tired of feeling hollowed out, dead inside... alone.

In the past year I had begun going out again. Not looking to get laid like I had before I met Allie but going out to be with people I knew. You know, going out for dinner or movies. Most of the time, when I had free time I wanted to just lay on my couch and stare at nothing. I still didn't feel included, not completely, but it was a beginning and Ceilidh was assuaged and didn't give me those sad, concerned looks that she had since Allie left. I was making friends at the dojo where I worked out. Okay, I'll be honest, I would make a smile and say hello, but it was better than skulking around like a whipped dog.

You hurt me, Allie, I finally got out of my mouth. You hurt me pretty badly and I'm still not in a good place. I thought I was, but seeing you again shows me that I'm not. If this was a dream, perhaps I needed some self-actualization for getting rid of the pain I still felt.

She was crying again. I just held her. I was crying as well. It was weird that I felt like some of the poison that had been killing me was leeching out of me with each tear. I wonder if this is what girls feel when they cry. Is this why they cry so often?

I wanted to come back the moment I left, but it had to be done, she said. We are too important, YOU are too important, for me to be an anchor around your neck, dragging you down.

I hugged her tighter. She had never told me how she felt. I wanted to argue with her, but I couldn't. It was the reason Ceilidh had left me in the care of her father, Iain, to finish training me up as a Paladin. She'd taken time off from Brook, her husband now, to learn about being a Paladin as well. However, she had not sneaked out of town like a criminal. She had kept in touch with him.

With that realization in my brain, I knew me. I knew that I would have gone to her, to be with her because being apart from her was too much. And, she would have never learned what she needed to know. I finally just leaned my forehead down on her hair, breathing her in.

I still can't believe you're here, I whispered. I was rewarded with a tighter hug.

I now have what I need to stand beside you, Martin, not behind you, not hanging around your neck.

I suddenly felt exhausted. But I didn't want to stop holding her.

Will you lay down with me? I'm so tired, I asked her, not wanting to even let her go long enough to walk into my room.

She nodded.

In books and movies, they always show the hero standing up and carrying the heroine away all suave and... hero like. Not me. One of my legs had gone to sleep, and I nearly dropped her. I limped into my bedroom, and I realized that while Allie didn't look like she'd gained weight, she looked thinner if that was possible, but she'd gained heavier muscle. This had to be the sorriest looking exit scene by any couple in the history of romantic couples. I began to chuckle. I climbed on the bed, still not wanting to let her go, and I was laughing. I was imagining what we looked like in my head and it was funny. Dear God. When was the last time I'd found anything funny?

TWO

Allie was laughing as well, and I tickled her as I remembered she liked it. My soul got lighter, my mood, too.

You're really here, I finally realized. If I were dreaming, I would have been way smoother bringing her in here. Now I just needed to chain her to me irrevocably, so she would never leave me again. It didn't matter that I knew that was the surest way to lose her, but the feelings were still there.

Yes, I am, she said, kissing my chin. And, I'm here to stay. She stopped kissing my chin and looked up at me, and I saw the truth in her eyes. It was odd because the last couple of weeks she'd been here, she'd been sad and had a hard time looking me in the eye. I hadn't caught it in time, that's on me. However, now? Now I could see her need for me in her eyes, as I'm sure she could see my need for her in mine.

Please be here when I wake up, I said, and she nodded. I closed my eyes and fell into sleep, sending up a quiet prayer to a god I no longer believed in that she'd still be there when I opened them again.

I woke up several hours later, still holding her. She was snuggled into me as if she felt the same overwhelming need to hold tight. I fell right back to sleep.

When you're tense, you do not sleep well. If you did, sleeping pill producers would go broke. For the first time since she'd left me, I slept. I slept hard. My entire being gave up all the tension I'd held close and slept like a boulder on the bottom of the sea floor. Allie did as well since she was still there, fast asleep when I finally woke up and knew I'd stay awake. I felt rested. I felt... alive.

It's cliché, but it's a cliché for a reason. I no longer felt dead inside now that she was back. I wasn't complete, not yet. We would work on it. We.

My arm started bitching at me because she was sleeping on it. I tried to get it out from under her head without waking her. That and I had to piss like a racehorse. I finally stood up, shaking my arms awake and trying to keep from groaning and waking her up. I practically ran into the bathroom, leaving the door open so I could watch her while I took a piss. I smelled myself and frowned. I needed a shower. I'd worked myself out hard the night before when I had gotten her text. I looked over at the shower and realized I could shower and watch her at the same time if I stood at a certain angle and held my head in the doorway of my walk-in shower. I could make this work.

I was able to watch her sleeping on my bed the entire time I showered, only putting my head back in long enough to rinse the shampoo from my hair. I quickly turned off the water and wrapped my towel around my hips. I'll admit here, it was a little weird having an erection after more than a year of nothing but flaccidity. I closed my eyes and tried to dry off and get dressed. She was still asleep.

I heard her stir as I was pulling my cargo shorts on. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. I smiled back and crawled to her on the bed. I kissed her with everything in me. Her arms wrapped around me like an octopus. She pulled me to her. God, her hands felt so good against my skin. I was lightheaded from her touch.

Allie and I had never slept together in the sexual meaning of the phrase. We'd slept together in a bed, loads of times, but we had never had sex. We both wanted to, but Allie just hadn’t been ready for that step. Evidently, her time overseas had changed that if the way her body moved against mine was anything to go by and I had extensive experience reading needy women. I pulled up and looked down at her, and she smiled up at me.

Yes, Martin, she said and raised her head to kiss me again. I am telling you yes.

I am not a stupid man. I accepted the gift she was giving me.

*****

I woke up from dozing and saw Allie there watching me, playing with my curly hair.

I thought it would hurt more, she giggled.