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    A Penis Manologue
    A Penis Manologue
    A Penis Manologue
    Ebook166 pages2 hours

    A Penis Manologue

    By Joe DiBuduo

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    About this ebook

    After reading The Vagina Monologues, I put together a survey for both men and women. I passed out self-addressed stamped envelopes for the anonymous questionnaire. Everyone I asked personally agreed to fill one out. I put the survey on my Web site, g. I expected to get several hundred replies to my survey. Total replies I received: One. I couldn't believe that in this enlightened age men and women wouldn't talk about the penises in their lives

    Expecting to acquaint myself with some open-minded men willing to fill out my survey, I attended a meeting on Men and Masculinity at Prescott College in Prescott, AZ. To my surprise, mostly women showed up to discuss masculinity. They seemed interested to learn what makes us guys tick. Apparently, we men don't talk about how masculine we are, so I don't know how women are going to learn about masculinity without any men willing to share their thoughts. I guess most men feel we already know we're masculine and don't need to discuss our feelings and emotions as women do. If we do, other men will look at us as though we're sissified.

    After experiencing the reluctance of males to talk about their penises, I figured I'd change the title of my work to A Penis Manologue, because I'm the only one expressing an opinion.

    A highly educated woman who read my outline implied that I'd portrayed all men as potential rapists because of my statements throughout the story indicating that men think about and need sex often. Having sex is a healthy habit, in my opinion, but I told her that rape has nothing to do with sex—it's all about control. Rape is a crime of violence, not passion. Sex is not the chief thing that motivates rapists, says A. Nicholas Groth, director of an innovative sex-offender program at the state prison in Somers, Connecticut. "Rape is the sexual expression of aggression." 1 I personally have never thought about raping anybody even though I've been a horn dog most of my life. I can't remember anyone ever saying, "I'd rape her", or "I'd like to rape her," during any group discussion. I've heard men say what they'd like to enjoy doing sexually to some beauty, but never once heard a man talk about raping someone.

    When I was researching penis facts, I found information that has changed my entire attitude. When I began to write my response to The Vagina Monologues, I wanted to make a comedy out of the story. However, once I started researching and saw the horrors of genital mutilation and other practices that go on around the world, in all strata of societies, I became emotionally upset. I'm one of those people who empathize with any type of victim. The thought of being raped is horrendous to me, and I can't begin to say how I was affected when I learned about genital mutilation.

    When I first began to write what eventually turned into this book, my intention was to use it in a screenwriting class at Yavapai College. However, when I attempted to read my chapter on prison rape, my female instructor banned the story from the classroom. It was hard for me to believe that a college instructor would find talking about Jolly Jellybeans a taboo subject. Maybe because nobody likes to talk about what goes on in prison. I began to think that for my mental health, I should shelve the project. Living and breathing penises was getting to me. It seemed like an abnormal subject to be devoting so much time to. However, when I saw how reticent most men and even a college teacher were to talk about penises, I felt obligated to write about them. So I elected myself to be the official Nookie Probe writer.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherJoe DiBuduo
    Release dateOct 22, 2018
    ISBN9781386058250
    A Penis Manologue
    Author

    Joe DiBuduo

    Like the hero of Cryonic Man, author Joe DiBuduo grew up in Hano, one of the toughest neighborhoods in Boston. He became a writer and an artist, not a prizefighter, but in his rough-and-tumble youth, he never turned away from a street fight.DiBuduo is also the author of a second mixed genre paranormal novel, The Mountain Will Cover You (JD Books, 2016); a second volume of connected short fiction, Story Time Karaoke @ The Chicagoua Cafe (JD Books, 2016); a historically relevant memoir, Crime A Day: Death by Electric Chair & Other Boyhood Pursuits (Jaded Ibis Press, 2016), and a popular narrative nonfiction book, A Penis Manologue: One Man’s Response to The Vagina Monologues (JD Books, 2009, 2013). His publication credits include four collections of flash fiction and a collection of his signature “poetic flash fiction;” a collection of sci-fi poetry and a children's storybook. Jis poetry and short stories for children and adults also appear in online journals and in print anthologies. For more info about DiBuduo's work, see joedibuduo.com.

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      Book preview

      A Penis Manologue - Joe DiBuduo

      My Best Friend Pokey is tried and true. He awakens every morning with his head held high. I know he’ll continue to be there to guide me through life, and bring me pleasure whenever he can. A friend like this is hard to find, but lucky me, I was born with mine. We treat one another well, and he does all the thinking while I follow. The big brain is under the direction of the small brain, as every man knows. My sympathy goes out to all women because they can never have such a friend. Although I call my friend Pokey, most people call him by his proper name, Mr. Penis. Penises are what the following pages are all about.

      Chapter 1

      The Penis and its Replicas

      I

      think it’s time to lose our zipperphobia and talk about what’s behind the zipper. Is the male organ beautiful, or even pretty? In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic. Those not impressively endowed wore a fake penis if they chose. These people probably thought their penises beautiful if they displayed them just because they could. I imagine the less well-endowed men made sure their fake penises were beautiful.

      Dildos

      Our Babymakers must be fashionable if not downright beautiful, because replicas of them are sold worldwide. Many women seem to have a desire to play with a penis of their own. They go to parties, stores, or online to find a penis the size and color they desire.

      It appears that dildos have been trying to replace penises since the beginning of civilization. Dildos, in one form or another, have been present in society throughout history. The first dildos were made of stone, tar, wood, and other materials easily shaped as penises and firm enough to be used as penetrative sex toys. Modern dildos are made of many different materials and come in all shapes and sizes.

      Artifacts found from the high culture era of 10,000 to 40,000 years ago are called batons by archaeologists. Some scientists believe the size and shape of these ice age implements leaves little doubt that they were sex toys. The world’s oldest known dildo is a 20-centimeter siltstone phallus, found in Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm, Germany, and is estimated to be 30,000 years old. This dildo was on display at a Blaubeuren museum exhibition.

      Dildos were called olisbos by the ancient Greeks who fashioned them out of wood, leather, and stone. Italians in the fifteenth century happily named the toy diletto, which means delight in Italian. The term dildo evolved from diletto.

      Victorian-era doctors created a mechanical portable vibrator to massage female genitals in attempts to cure hysteria. Were they trying to replace the penis with this invention? Later, the device was advertised in a Sears catalog in 1918.

      Even now, there’s a harvest and prosperity festival (Hōnen Matsuri) led by Shinto priests celebrating fertility every March 15 in Komaki, Japan. Costumed participants parade a 620-pound wooden penis around Komaki. Throngs of women carry massive dildos in their arms and the food and souvenirs are usually phallus shaped.

      The only reason I mention dildos is to point out that no matter how many have been created in varying sizes, textures, and colors, the old tried and true flesh and blood, natural-born penis is irreplaceable. But guys, the good news is, we can create replicas of our very own. There are mold making kits out there to replicate your Curious George. There’s Clone-a-Willy, Create-A-Mate, Clone Your Bone. All we have to do is mix the substances in the kits, put them in a super-sized soft drink cup, insert an erect Dingaroo, and wait five minutes. That gives us the negative mold, which we then fill with wax or other soft or hard substances to create a clone of our very own. Once the mold is finished, we can produce as many clones as we want. Think of all the money we’ll save at Christmas by giving our girlfriend or wives the part of us they like best.

      Chapter 2

      Blue Balls

      P

      eople like to joke about us men being led by our Little Soldiers, but what I’m telling you is true. Penises have ways to control their owners that we never speak about. Like getting hard and so stiff that the owner can hardly walk, sit, or even sleep without it getting in the way.

      Those of you who have never experienced vascular congestion won’t understand how if you ignore your Anaconda long enough it’ll conspire with the testes to make you so miserable that you have to go hunting for a partner to relieve vascular congestion and prevent the onset of the dreaded blueballs (BB). 

      BB is the slang term for a congested prostate or vasocongestion, the condition of temporary fluid build-up in the testicles and prostate region that is caused by prolonged sexual arousal. A pain in the testes usually accompanies the condition. The way to relieve the symptoms of blueballs is through ejaculation. While well known to men, there’s scant information in medical literature about

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