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    The Mockeries of the Galaxy: The Unauthorized Parody of The Guardians of the Galaxy
    The Mockeries of the Galaxy: The Unauthorized Parody of The Guardians of the Galaxy
    The Mockeries of the Galaxy: The Unauthorized Parody of The Guardians of the Galaxy
    Ebook131 pages1 hour

    The Mockeries of the Galaxy: The Unauthorized Parody of The Guardians of the Galaxy

    By Valerie Estelle Frankel

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Everyone in the galaxy wants the Plot Device...especially the looming orange supervillain Big Vicious Dude, Lord of All the Galactic Places He Feels Like and his Vice Lord Whinin the Finger Pointer. Clearly, the galaxy needs a hero! Too bad all they’ve got is man-child Quitter Pill, Grapesoda the space babe, Bunny Foofoo, Dweeb the world’s biggest raspberry gumball, and a treelike creature who keeps saying “I am Grout.” Together they’re the Mockeries of the Galaxy, and they’ll save everyone, no matter the cost...as long as it’s not their collectables.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherValerie Estelle Frankel
    Release dateMar 28, 2017
    ISBN9781370328840
    The Mockeries of the Galaxy: The Unauthorized Parody of The Guardians of the Galaxy
    Author

    Valerie Estelle Frankel

    Valerie Estelle Frankel has won a Dream Realm Award, an Indie Excellence Award, and a USA Book News National Best Book Award for her Henry Potty parodies. She's the author of 75 books on pop culture, including Doctor Who - The What, Where, and How, History, Sherlock: Every Canon Reference You May Have Missed in BBC's Series 1-3, Homages and the Highlands: An Outlander Guide, and How Game of Thrones Will End. Many of her books focus on women's roles in fiction, from her heroine's journey guides From Girl to Goddess and Buffy and the Heroine's Journey to books like Women in Game of Thrones and The Many Faces of Katniss Everdeen. Once a lecturer at San Jose State University, she's a frequent speaker at conferences. Come explore her research at www.vefrankel.com.

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      Book preview

      The Mockeries of the Galaxy - Valerie Estelle Frankel

      The Mockeries

      of the

      Galaxy

      The Unauthorized Parody of

      The Guardians of the Galaxy

      by

      Valerie Estelle Frankel

      Other Works by Valerie Estelle Frankel

      Henry Potty and the Pet Rock: A Harry Potter Parody

      Henry Potty and the Deathly Paper Shortage: A Harry Potter Parody

      Buffy and the Heroine’s Journey

      From Girl to Goddess: The Heroine’s Journey in Myth and Legend

      Katniss the Cattail: The Unauthorized Guide to Name and Symbols

      The Many Faces of Katniss Everdeen

      Harry Potter, Still Recruiting: A Look at Harry Potter Fandom

      Teaching with Harry Potter

      An Unexpected Parody: The Spoof of The Hobbit Movie

      Teaching with Harry Potter

      Myths and Motifs in The Mortal Instruments

      Winning the Game of Thrones: The Host of Characters & their Agendas

      Winter is Coming: Hidden Meanings in A Game of Thrones

      The Girl’s Guide to the Heroine’s Journey

      Choosing to be Insurgent or Allegiant: Symbols, Themes & Analysis of the Divergent Trilogy

      Doctor Who and the Hero’s Journey

      Doctor Who: The What Where and How

      Sherlock: Every Canon Reference You May Have Missed in BBC’s Series

      Symbols in Game of Thrones

      How Game of Thrones Will End

      Joss Whedon’s Names

      Pop Culture in the Whedonverse

      Women in Game of Thrones: Power, Conformity, and Resistance

      History, Homages and the Highlands: An Outlander Guide

      The Catch-Up Guide to Doctor Who

      Everything I Learned in Life I Know from Joss Whedon

      Empowered: The Symbolism, Feminism, & Superheroism of Wonder Woman

      The Avengers Face their Dark Sides

      The Comics of Joss Whedon: Critical Essays

      Mythology in Game of Thrones

      We’re Home: Fandom, Fun, and Hidden Homages in The Force Awakens

      Nonsensibility

      Superheroines and the Epic Journey

      The Mockeries of the Galaxy is an unauthorized parody of The Guardians of the Galaxy book and film. None of the individuals or companies associated with this series or any merchandise based on this series has in any way sponsored, approved, endorsed, or authorized this book.

      Print ISBN-13: 978-1545017012 

      The Mockeries of the Galaxy

      By Valerie Estelle Frankel

      Copyright © 2017 Valerie Estelle Frankel

      Smashwords Edition

      All rights reserved.

      With grateful acknowledgements for the critiques of the Whensday Group, especially Adrienne Gormley, C. Sanford Lowe, G. David Nordley, J. Malcolm Stewart, Mike Van Pelt, Sandra Saidak, and Sarah Stegall as well as Dave M. Strom, Daniel Matthews, and Yamini Matthews for gratuitous quips.

      CONTENTS

      Prologue

      Total Space Bum

      Planet Zebra

      The Trshbn

      The Fried Oreo

      Sector Nameless

      The Everyone Sucks But Me

      Return of the Planet Zebra

      The Big Party

      Prologue

      Ten-year-old Quitter Pill sat playing a beeping handheld game. Nonetheless, this wasn’t The Princess Bride. In fact, he sat in a hospital corridor, a grim and foul-smelling place. Hey, kid, your mama’s waiting. It was a Nurse Ratchet type, big and muscular.

      He didn’t look up from the Gameboy. I don’t wanna.

      Whiny brat. Y’know, all the readers are waiting for you so we can get this thing rolling.

      Okay, let me finish this level.

      After doing so, Quitter trudged inside. His mother Mega Pill lay shrunken and tired in the bed, wasting away from a terrible case of Disney Moms Syndrome.i Hands shaking, his mother handed him a brightly wrapped gift, printed over and over with the awkward words Get Well Soon.

      Taped to the top was a comic. "Wow, thanks, Mom! Is it Spider-Man?"

      She summoned her feeble strength to gasp, No.

      "X-Men?"

      More wide-eyed struggle to communicate. Fraid Not.

      "Fantastic Four? Hulk? Iron Man? Captain America?"

      She shook her head, biting her lip as, for a moment, the pain proved too much.

      "Squirrel Girl? Howard the Duck?"

      Sorry, she managed.

      Having run out of possibilities, he flipped through. It seemed The Mockeries of the Galaxy were a misfit team of aliens who’d picked up a square-jawed human hero and let him lead for some reason.ii They sailed through the galaxy on a beat-up ship snarking at evil overlords and claiming legitimacy by team-ups with real superheroes. I’ll give it a shot, he said noncommittally. But how’s this connected to the rest of the franchise?

      Mega Pill gasped pathetically as the pain signaled her end.iii My sweet boy, I will always be with you. Whether you lead a boring life of school, homework, and public accounting on earth or become an intergalactic space hero.

      Quitter began blubbering. That’s no choice at all! You said that Flash Gordon film was staged!

      Yes, his mother managed. I did say that. But the truth is more complicated. You see, you’re the son of— And in that dramatically perfect moment, she died.

      Sobbing at the top of his lungs, the little boy raced out into the night, clutching the sharp-edged gift and unsatisfying comic book close to his chest. Ow, papercuts, he blubbered. Running faster and faster through the hospital parking lot, he finally slammed headfirst into a fence and went sprawling. Ow! He staggered to his feet, only to slip in a greasy puddle.

      As he lay in the abandoned lot, still sobbing and plastered with increasing amounts of mud, a great white light glowed overhead. If Quitter had loved alien encounter stories as much as superhero comics, he would have adored the textbook arrival.iv In his pocket, his Walkman suddenly roused to life and played a series of mystic chimes he was pretty sure weren’t on the tape. The lampposts flickered. I got a bad feeling about this, he mumbled. The fog rolled in, though not so thickly that he couldn’t see the classic flying saucer shape overhead. With a faint hum of energy and scent of coconut,v a human-sized figure took form in front of him.

      It was a giant chicken. Beak, yellow feathers, and all. It eyed the mud-covered figure as if spotting a tasty worm.vi

      Quitter’s eyes went big. Are you my daddy?

      The giant chicken eyed him. Yeah. Sure, kid. Me and an earthwoman had an egg together and you hatched from it.

      Daddy! He embraced the feathered figure.

      The giant chicken eyed the boy. I think I see why your dad stranded you on earth.

      Total Space Bum

      A masked alien bounty hunter strode across the swampy alien planet, admiring its alienness. Suddenly, a tinny tune introduced into his consciousness. He looked down.

      There, a creature about the size of his smallest finger was cavorting about, dancing and, oddly, kicking at lizards. He picked up one, and using a hollow rock formation, attempted to shoot a basket.

      The bounty hunter eyed the dancer, then lifted a heavy boot and brought it down. Vermin everywhere.

      Across the galaxy, Quitter was skateboarding through space. The Power of Love blasted through his Walkman.vii He wore a denim jacket over boyish charm and tussled hair. There was also a hockey mask that served to keep the space out. When Quitter spied a space postal rocket, he grabbed the rear bumper and got himself a lift. The rocket driver glanced back. Quitter waved and winked. The driver swerved and tried to nonchalantly scrape him off against an asteroid. Quitter swung to the left and stayed where he was until the rocket could make its next delivery.

      Unfortunately, the rickety house (all alone on a small asteroid, with an even more rickety weather-beaten fence and bright red mailbox) housed space hillbillies whose hygiene was so bad Quitter could smell it in vacuum. They all had loaded muskets.

      You! Stop!

      Space bullies! Quitter yelled.

      We know you took the Plot Device! one yelled. It’s the whole point of this movie and we’re taking it back! His own breath bounced back from the inside of his bubble helmet and seemed to stun him for a moment. Gases lucky enough to

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