Strength to be Myself

The author, Royce Adam Smith, is a soul born into harshness. He is a person who, throughout his life, struggled with pain and suffering that came from outside sources closest to him. The pain came from those who were supposed to protect and love him.

Royce Adam was born in 1969 in a New Zealand city called Auckland. He lived most of his life in Australia, arriving to stay in Australia at about six years of age. He always wanted to express his story in a way to show how the power of good is stronger than the power of bad. It is his hope that people who read this series of books will see how to find their own strength, their own strength to be themselves, the strength that is, and always will be, within each and every one of us.

I dedicate these books to the strength within, the strength that is within all of us and connects us all.

Royce Adam Smith

Strength to Be Myself

Copyright © Royce Adam Smith (2018)

The right of Royce Adam Smith to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781788485876 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781788485883 (Hardback)

ISBN 9781788485890 (E-Book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2018)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

25 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5LQ

Chapter 1

It is said by some professionals that a baby in the mother’s womb has some sort of awareness once it gets to a certain age. It could be logically ascertained that emotions are part of that awareness. The wavelengths of emotions would be known much stronger to the baby than the particles of thought, but the particles would still be there, enhancing the wavelengths of emotions. If I, as a developing baby in my mother’s womb, were aware of these emotions and thoughts from my mother and my father, then I would have been very confused and very scared. The love most people feel from their mother and father was more than a mystery to me. The confusion started in the womb of my mother. Not understanding the emotions that were being flooded to me from my mother and my father, I wondered if love was out there. As children, we humans find love very important for survival and growth. It is said babies in a mother’s womb can hear music, and the emotions of that music can be felt. I still wonder what music I heard there. What emotions did I feel?

I lived all of my life not knowing love from my parents. I lived a portion of my life not knowing what love was. Being the middle child in a family of five children, I was shunned by both my father and my mother for their different reasons. But it all came down to that my father had raped my mother, and I was conceived. They had been together for a number of years and been married for a few of those years. Apparently, they didn’t make love again after I was conceived until three years later, and my little brother and sister were born, non-identical twins.

Did I feel the hate towards me? In my life, I felt it all too well, but I didn’t understand it at all for most of my life. But did I feel it as I grew in my mother’s womb. Was I aware of how my mother tried to abort me a number of times through her pregnancy? Even at eight months, did I know she tried to lift that bathtub up again? It was bolted to the floor when she tried so hard to lift that bathtub hoping it would kill me. Could I feel her emotions and know her thoughts? Did I know what my father was feeling towards me and his thoughts? He did consider putting me up for adoption over the years from my birth and as I grew up. Was I aware of how I reminded them both, in their separate psychologies, of that dreadful secret? Was I aware of the hate they both had for me?

I hope not.

I did know the pain and suffering these two people would cause to me from the moment I was born into this world though. My mother did something to me when I was born that screams injustice. Of course, I didn’t know it was her at the time, but it certainly had many lifelong repercussions for me both physically, mentally and emotionally.

I was told by family members who were there that the doctor that had circumcised me, like my two older brothers had been done also, and my mother were hotly arguing. My mother was saying that not enough had been taken off in my circumcision and that more was needed to be taken. The doctor was arguing that taking too much could cause problems for the boy in life, and the pain of it was not good for the child. My mother wasn’t hearing it, threatening lawsuits and what not, so the doctor said okay.

The doctor took me away again, obviously very unhappy at the events. My aunty and grandmother couldn’t believe what was happening, yet could do nothing. My cries went silent as he took me away in the room where no one could hear me, and the surgery was performed again. My screams were heard immediately as the doctor re-entered the long hallway. I wasn’t crying anymore, I was screaming. This side of the ward could hear me. Some nurses came out of their allocated jobs to see if the child was okay. The doctor rushed to my mother’s side and showed her. His face said a thousand words. She still wasn’t happy and tried to make him do more again. She didn’t get her way again thankfully. The doctor stood his ground. I wonder if he knew that for some reason, this mother just didn’t like her child. I wonder also how the nurses felt watching this mother behaving in such a horrible manner. I think this moment was edged into my grandmother’s and aunties’ (my father’s side) emotions towards my mother very firmly that day. My father’s mother and sister were not aware, of course, of what my father did to my mother.

If I knew what sort of life these two were going to give me, would I have fought so much to survive? Did I know if I fight now, I would be fighting for most of my life? I would need to defend myself so many times from the people who should be protecting me, supporting me, loving me. Did my physical being know some things, but did my soul know other things? When my mother tried to stop me from coming here with such hatred and pain towards me, what was my soul thinking? Did my soul have a mission? And if I could feel the emotions from my father also, there certainly was no love or support from there, as I would learn quite brutally through my life. He would never accept what he did to my mother to conceive me and would somehow blame me for it all, trying to hide the evidence of his rape from the world and himself. There was no love out there for me, from my mother nor my father. I would have been sure of this if I had any awareness at all. But still, I was determined to come to this world. I knew there was love out there; I could feel it within myself. And I knew it was important even if in my little developing mind, I didn’t understand it all.

I came to this world fighting and struggling to survive, but it was love that I looked for. It was love that I fought for. It was love that kept my heart strong. It was my hold on self-love that kept me alive. Growing up in my life, there was no love to be found. The only love I had was the love inside myself. I know of many, many times in my life where I had to find the strength to love myself and the strength to be myself. It was the only thing I had in my life. Over the decades into adulthood, I only ever wanted to be myself. The strength to be good. It was my search for love out there that kept me looking for the good and healthy things in life. It helped within my own being. My life from the get go was living amidst so called protectors that didn’t like me, care for me, support me or teach me. I learnt from before I was born that this world, the current time and space of this world, can be cold, heartless and not supportive of you. It can pain you enough to change you, it can try to tell you who you are and/or it can try to kill you. But speaking for myself, I will always look for love first, and I believe with all the hope that is within me that I will always look for the love in all, before I succumb to the pain, the bad. I will not be that who is bad. I do not want to be a pain giver.

When it was time, I travelled to my new home in this life. Going home to the love and safety that was family. Well…as I heard many times in my life, at least I was lucky enough to have food, bed and shelter. Of course, I don’t remember much from the first few years of my life, but I do get the feeling of being smacked often from my mother from very early in my life.

Now my understanding is that my mother and father didn’t have sex again from that time until my twin brother and sister were born three years later. I do remember vaguely wishing my mother would not hit the new babies as she was either about to smack or did smack one of them. I would hear and see one crying with mother over the crib with anger on her face. The love our mother and father gave was very minimal, if at all, to any of us children. I don’t think they knew what love was. Our father took a gentleness to my sister, the only girl in our family. My younger brother, her twin, was often targeted for abuse, neglect and lack of support for some reason also. His was different than mine, but he suffered too through his life. My eldest brother was targeted from my father quite dramatically also. The brutality he knew was horrible also. My other brother was belted often in life from our father, but I am not sure if he was as overall aggressive to Craig as he was with us three. Our brother, Craig’s twin brother, died at birth so I often wonder if it was due to the emotions he felt about the loss of a son of his, Craig’s twin brother. He could be gentler with Craig from it. Raymond and Davie didn’t get as many beltings and