Hells Warm Fires
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About this ebook
Stuck in a miserable job with no prospects, a man decides to end it all! Then, just as he's about to jump, he spots a piece of paper that might just give him that one break he's been looking for... A holiday like no other... A holiday in hell,
Jonathan Antony Strickland
You really want me to reveal personal information here?O.K then... here's some stuff you might (or might not) like to know about me!Well for starters you can contact me on milthyswinebuckle@gmail.comMy Hobbies:1_Are you bored. Then do what I do. Take off all your clothes and paint your face and arse bright blue. Then run outside and shout abuse at passers-by... passes the time if nothing else!2_Managed 18 keepy ups with ye old pigs bladder once....What's that you say? Not that impressive! Well... what I failed to tell you was that the pigs bladder that I did the 18 keepy ups with, was still inside the pig!3_Not pissing on the evil that is Milthy Swinebuckle, if he were ever to catch fire4_Scratching my arse!5_Watching Milthy get his arse kicked by a three legged tortoise...HA !!!6_Scratching my arse and..oh wait I've already said that! Ah, what the hell. It's a good one so I'll say it again.7_???? **** ???? with **** then ?*?*!8_Wondering what I'm doing during hobby seven?MY most prized possession: Hitler's missing left testicle (NOT FOR SALE).My most famous quotes:1_A step in the right direction can still mean the death of an ant!2_I look down on almost everybody...although come to think about it, it's probably because I do climb a lot of trees!3_You know that poem "if", what a load of crap. Kipling got it all wrong. What he should have said was "If you can portray the ideas you get to a sober man (no matter how shite though's ideas may be), and keep a straight face. Then you'll be a man MA SON!4_HMMMMMM........I think I'll eat my socks!5_MMMMM.......cheese and onion flavour .........NNNNIIIICCCCEEE!!!!6_Ignore the above quote's and instead just read and live your life by number 7.7 As far as I'm concerned you should not judge a fellow person on their looks, sex, race or beliefs. There are only two types of people: 1_Everyday ordinary people who just want to get on with their lives and not bother anybody else...2_The preachers, the arseholes and the gobshites, who want to tell you what to do, what you should be doing and how you should be doing it.My favourite words:...knickers, bra's, boobs, bums, knockers, shit, shite, bollicks, twat, boobs (such a good word it needed to be said twice), gussets, stains, ugabalooga, randy, stodgeflaps, fgkgkujhghrewh, and TURD!!! That's TURD... Got it? No? Then I'll say it again, just in case you missed it...T.U.R.DMy Arch Enemies:1_Milthy Swinebuckle....Beware he who sneaks, creeps, squawks and chortles. He who goes by many names. Names such as... Archibald Stott, Feagus the mostly squidgy, Terrance the quite nasty tormentor etc... but to me he will always be Milthy Swinebuckle (or if I meet him face to face... ARSEWIPE!)2_Mr.Hairy Monkfish... Swinebuckle's main henchman (and suspected bumchum)3_Randy Stodgeflaps... not much to say about this guy except he is one of Swinebuckle's best mates and a bit of a ballbag!Charity work.....Milthy Swinebuckle has been infected with writers tourettes. Only I can help him. I really hope I don't catch it though, as every few words he writes he can't stop himself writing words like..."KNICKERS" or "ARSE" or some other filth! It takes him a good twenty minutes to write and edit a single sentence. I really "NADS" feel sorry "BOOBS" for the "GUSSETS" poor guy......"B...BB...BBB BOTOMSSS, ARSEHOLES, PANTS,......Oh bugger!"PS: Does anyone actually read any of this personal information shit?
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Hells Warm Fires - Jonathan Antony Strickland
Smashwords Edition License Notes: This is a free story, you may reproduce it as you wish, so long as you do not charge for it. Please leave any comments on the authors smashwords page.
Hells Warm Fires
or: CHILLING OUT IN HELL!!!
by: Jonathan Antony Strickland
Twelve years, twelve Goddamn years I've wasted in this shitty job
, thought Nobby Roachester. Stuck in that claustrophobic little office day in day out, I might as well have joined the French Foreign Legion for what it was worth. Now look at me, on the edge of a bridge with a wife and two kids who don't care. Doing away with myself will be a big favour to them and everybody else who have had the misfortune of meeting me. I've achieved nothing in thirty four years. Then again though, why should I strive to better myself? When all is said and done, the rats that race around me are just as bad! I've existed on a planet that only cares for gobshites, dickheads and arseholes. Well this is it, finally the end is nigh. If my life was a game then the
game over sign would be flashing above my head, and good riddance too. No extra credits or continues for me. You can keep your spare change in your pocket. I don't want no more of this crap! Now, all I've got to do is jump!
Nobby looked around for one last time, secretly hoping for a ray of light that would make him see another alternative but all he could see were the lights of the big city that had been so cruel to him and the laughter of the people who mocked everyone and anything that didn't conform to their dog eat dog ways. He was completely bored and pissed off with his life, not only disillusioned by his job and the people he worked for but also the ones who he once loved and cared for.
As he was just about