It’s About the “I”: A New Perspective On How to Build a Fulfilling and Sustainable Marriage Or Long-Term Relationship

Mom, I AM because of you.

It’s About The I: A New Perspective on how to Build a Fulfilling and Sustainable Marriage or Long-term Relationship

© 2018 Dr. Tseday Aberra

Published by TS Publishing

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotes in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-7322737-0-2 (paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-7322737-1-9 (ebook/epub)

ISBN: 978-1-7322737-2-6 (ebook/Mobi/Kindle)

Printed in America

Book design by DesignForBooks.com

Contents

Getting to Know Me

1 LSC 101

What Is Marriage and why Do People Get Married

Why Do Marriages Fail

Performance Issue

Formation Issue

The Connection Between the LSC and the Two Reasons for a Breakup

The LSC Is Different from Conventional Counseling

2 Methodology

Method to the Madness

Phase One: Creating a Long-Term Relationship

Section One: Self-Sufficiency

Section Two: The Three Entities

Section Three: The Five Levels of Compatibility

Phase Two: Maintaining what You’ve Created

Section Four: The 10 Proactive Verbs

All Four Sections Are Interconnected

The Connection Between Section One and Section Three

The Connection Between Section One and Section Two

The Connection Between Section One and Section Four

The Connection Between Section Two and Section Three

The Connection Between Section Two and Section Four

The Connection Between Section Three and Section Four

3 Requirements

Small Rules to Explain Bigger Rules

Principles to Keep in Mind

1. Consent

2. Right to Happiness

3. Equality (Equal Footing)

4. Embrace change

Two Requirements that Can’t Be Ignored

Adulthood

Maturity

SECTION 1

4 Self-Sufficiency

Introduction

Improving Yourself to Improve Your Relationship

The Six Skills of Self-Sufficiency

Good Ingredients Make Good Dishes

Measuring the Quality of a Person

Quality Ingredients

Mentality of a Person

Constitution of a Person

Expanding on the Good Ingredient Analogy

5 Emotional Stability

Introduction

Managing Your Emotions on Your Own

Be Aware of Your Emotional Intelligence

How to Improve Your Emotional Maturity

Learning the Right Lessons

Overcoming Fear: Internal vs External Struggle

Form Reasonable Conclusions

6 Minimum Intellectual Threshold

Introduction

Maximum No but Minimum Yes

When Potential Is Not Reached

Relationships Are About Compatibility

7 Financial Independence

Introduction

It Starts with You Moving Out of Your Parents’ House

The Process Toward Independence Is Long and Hard

Eliminating Dependencies and Vulnerabilities

The Truth About Material Attachment

8 Sexual Comfort Zone

Introduction

My Personal View on a Private Matter

Exploring a Physical Matter Intellectually

What to Make of the Footprints Left Behind

The Subtle Shaping of Your Sexual Mind

Two Sets of Footprints to Figure Out

Looking for Compatibility Is a Process

9 Well-Designed Value System

Introduction

It’s More than Being Religious

Intellectual Honesty in One’s Value System

The Walk and the Talk Should Match

Believe in Something Bigger than Yourself

10 Dead Time Management

Introduction

Work and Sleep Require Little Management

Dead Time Management Is Different from the Other Five

Spending Free Time Constructively

SECTION 2

11 The Three Entities

Introduction

Ignoring Yourself Doesn’t Help the Relationship

Distinguishing One Entity from Another

The Different Faces of the I

The I in this Section

The Two Versions of the I

The Arithmetic Dilemma when Creating the We

Your Partner Is the He/She

Your Partner’s Deficiencies Are Yours to Recognize

A Long-Term Relationship Requires Maturity

12 The We Entity

Introduction

Negotiating a Relationship-Agreement

Ready, Willing and Able

Ready

Willing

Readiness vs. Willingness

Readiness and Willingness vs. Ability

Able

13 The I Entity

Introduction

A Deficient I Destroys the We

Some of Your Needs Will Always Be Yours to Meet

Wearing Two Distinct Hats

The Rejuvenated Self Helps the Relationship

Keep Some of the I out of the We

14 The He/She Entity

Introduction

Your Partner’s Personal Baggage Is Not Yours to Carry

Maximizing Happiness Is Your Primary Goal

Safeguarding Against Yourself

SECTION 3

15 The Five Levels of Compatibility

Introduction

The Creation of a Successful Relationship

Identifying and Understanding the Five

Connecting Instinctively

It Comes Down to Respect

Disparity in Intellectual Aptitude

Respect the Values/Respect the Person

Money Problem is Not a Relationship Problem

Compatibility Is Not Forced

Grading the Levels

16 Emotional Compatibility

Introduction

Good Emotions vs. Bad Emotions

The Criteria for Choosing the Right Person

Emotional Needs Don’t Remain Unfulfilled

What Causes Emotional Void

Don’t Leave it Up to Chance

Explaining the Meaning of Ability

First Difference

Second Difference

17 Intellectual Compatibility

Introduction

Winning the Argument Is Not the Point

Every Person Has Intellectual Needs

Compatibility Is Not Intellectual Equality

The Process Leads to Mutual Respect

18 Financial Compatibility

Introduction

The Focus Is More on Earning Potential than on Actual Earning

Mutual Consent Means No Coercion

Beware of the Lifestyle You Can’t Afford

The Household Income Is Divided Into Three Categories

Separating the Accounts

Savings and Discretionary Spending

Suitable Arrangement

Option #1

Option #2

Option #3

The One who Makes Less Sets the Tone

A $30K Lifestyle with Both Parties Working

A $45K Lifestyle When You Can Only Afford $30K

19 Physical Compatibility

Introduction

It Starts with Finding Your Own Sexual Comfort Zone

The Sexual Game is a Two-Way Street

Communication Leads to Discovery

20 Compatibility in Values

Introduction

Value Systems Are More than a Religion and Every Person Has One

Respect People Not Necessarily Their Beliefs

Sharing the Same Values Helps

Make Sure Your Partner Respects Your Values

SECTION 4

21 The 10 Proactive Verbs

Introduction

How Marriages Decline

Reviving Yourself

Reviving Your Relationship with Your Spouse

Understanding the 10 Proactive Verbs

Your Relationship Is a Reflection of You

Complacency Is the Real Problem

Two Ways to Fight Complacency

22 Rejuvenation

Introduction

It all Starts with Dead Time Management

There’s Nothing Wrong with Wanting to Get Away

Your Hobby Can’t Violate the Relationship-Agreement

Don’t Steal Time Away from Your Relationship

A Few Words to Say on the 10 Verbs

23 Reinventing Ourselves

Introduction

The Focus Should Be on the Couple First

It Must Be Something Your Partner Appreciates

Reconnecting on the Five Again

Two Steps to Consider

The Personal Challenge Behind the Process

Back to the Beginning

Getting to Know Me

This book is about the pursuit of happiness, the kind of happiness that’s only found in marriage and long-term relationships. There are many ways for a person to find happiness but as far as I’m concerned, true happiness can only be achieved by being in a committed, monogamous relationship that’s fulfilling and sustainable.

I know people don’t think it’s possible to have a relationship that’s fulfilling and at the same time sustainable. I know this because my clients keep telling me it’s not. They say you can have one or the other but not both at the same.

In terms of fulfillment, they think it’s possible to have an exciting relationship where two people can’t have enough of each other, but not for long. And in terms of sustainability, they can get behind the idea of longevity in a relationship where a couple can stay together for a long time, but not without losing some of the excitement.

But in no way do they believe a relationship can be fulfilling and sustainable at the same time. I’m here to tell you, as I’ve told them repeatedly that it’s very much possible for you to have a relationship that’s freeing, empowering and capable of maximizing your happiness, provided you do what’s necessary.

Contrary to popular belief, marriage and happiness are not mutually exclusive. A lot of people believe a long-term relationship is something that must be tolerated despite the obvious perks. They concede there are benefits to being married but they also admit the benefits come with a price. I can’t say I blame anybody who shares that thought, especially after coming across many couples who mistreat one another and take their marriage for granted.

When starting a long-term relationship, I know how much people feel they have to compromise and tolerate to make an arrangement they consented to, work in their favor. I’ve seen many times how loving couples can turn on one another so quickly and become the primary cause of each other’s unhappiness. To these couples, marriage is like a double-edged sword; a source of happiness and grief at the same time.

As the story goes, if you give a hammer to a monkey, sooner or later, it will smash the tool against its fingers. And even after learning how to use the hammer to crush nuts, the monkey doesn’t quite master its proper use. And from then on, as much as the primate appreciates its usefulness, it will forever remain skeptical of the hammer. The same is true for the typical, ordinary married couple. It doesn’t have to be but, most couples see their long-term relationship this way; appreciative of the benefits it provides but always cynical of its power to do damage.

Many people believe marriage makes them happy but only to a certain extent. I’m proven right of that assumption with every new couple I get to work with. It never ceases to amaze me when I’m reminded of the gap between the level of happiness couples think is realistically achievable, and the level I know they can achieve if only they knew how. To those of you who don’t have access to my private practice, this book is my first attempt to assist you in your discovery and hopefully help you narrow the gap between what is and what could be.

I promise you, if you give me enough time to show you what to do before and after you start a long-term relationship, or what to do to maintain it as exciting and fulfilling as it ought to be, I’ll prove to you that not only is it possible but the changes you’ll make will also improve other parts of your life (personal, professional or otherwise).

My method is not just about fixing relationships; it’s about improving all relationships—good and bad, and all relationships can be improved. Whether you think your relationship is in trouble or believe you and your partner have achieved something special, this book will show you that there’s always room for improvement. The concepts discussed herein will prove to you that the level of marital bliss you can achieve is far beyond what you have now or what you think is possible, but only if you do things correctly.

When I say, do things correctly, I’m referring to doing things according to the Life Simplified Concepts (LSC), the methodology I developed. The first step to understanding the methodology is to accept the premise that marital bliss simply means having success in one’s marriage or long-term relationship. And as I have mentioned before, a successful long-term relationship is one that’s fulfilling and sustainable.

The second step to understanding the LSC methodology is to acknowledge there are two phases to consider when working towards a successful long-term relationship. The two phases are: the creating phase and the maintaining phase. The creating phase simply refers to the starting of a long-term relationship and the maintaining phase is the plan to keep the relationship as exciting and fulfilling as it was when it was created.

Although the overall approach requires you to be aware of said two phases, the methodology goes a lot further than that. It divides these two phases into four sections, with each section further breaking down one major concept into more elaborated mini-concepts. But it’s better to begin your exploration of the overall methodology with the four sections first.

These four sections correspond to the four steps you need to adhere to if you want to build a sustainable, fulfilling long-term relationship bent on maximizing happiness. The process begins with the first step or the first section which is about you (the self) and working towards improving yourself before you enter a long-term relationship.

If I were to compare you and your partner to the two main ingredients that make up a relationship, I would say that when the ingredients are of quality, the relationship created thereafter is as good as the ingredients. Success of any long-term relationship depends on improving the quality of the two persons who create the relationship, which according to the LSC, translates into becoming self-sufficient or achieving full Self-Sufficiency. I know you’re not exactly sure what that means yet but you will very soon. For now, just remember that Self-Sufficiency is the first step towards building a successful long-term relationship.

Then, the focus of achieving success switches from each person’s Self-Sufficiency to the relationship. To create a long-term relationship properly (or to create a proper long-term relationship), you’ll need to know how to assess the level of compatibility between you and your partner, and based on the assessment, determine if you two can sustain a fulfilling relationship.

A relationship is fulfilling when two people agree to meet each other needs and do so in a manner that’s satisfying to both. When expectations are met on both sides, there’s fulfillment. But in order to meet each other needs in the manner the partner wants and expects their needs to be met, the other must be willing and able. Ability to meet one’s partner’s needs is what determines the level of compatibility.

To turn a fulfilling relationship into one that’s also sustainable, both sides must first be satisfied with what they’re getting out of their relationship-agreement. And then, they must perform on an agreed-upon level of willingness and excitement where each person’s satisfaction remains high on a continuous basis. A relationship is fulfilling and sustainable at the same time when the two sides are committed to maximizing each other’s happiness and promise that their effort in meeting each other’s needs won’t lessen during the relationship.

The willingness to meet one’s partner’s needs becomes easier when there’s compatibility. In order to do so to full satisfaction, a couple needs to be compatible because that way, both sides will be doing what comes naturally to each person. This is how a proper long-term relationship is created. However, before you learn how to create one properly, you must first learn how to identify what a not-properly-created-relationship looks like. Under the LSC, such a relationship is referred to as a deficient relationship.

To fully understand what a properly-created relationship entails, you first need to know what a deficient relationship looks like and what makes it deficient. While you’re focused on the process of building a long-term relationship and busy putting the pieces together, it’s equally important to know which of your needs you must not include in your relationship-agreement as it is important which needs to include.

To better grasp the full picture of what a successful long-term relationship entails, you need to know the common characteristics of a flawed relationship and what you need to avoid when you create yours. A flawed relationship (i.e., a deficient relationship) is one that’s susceptible to the most obvious (but avoidable) pitfall that can derail not just yours but any long-term relationship.

According to the LSC, the solution to avoiding this pitfall is learning about The Three Entities concept and how to keep the entities separate from one another. Again, I know you’re yet to familiarize yourself with LSC terminology, but for now, just know that The Three Entities Section is the warning sign section and it cautions you what to avoid so that you find happiness with your deficient relationship.

Finally, the last step to the LSC is realizing that long-term relationships are valueless if they can’t constantly and consistently provide the same level of happiness and fulfillment. To attach value to your relationship, not only must you know how to create it properly, but you’ll also need to know how to maintain it. Section Four of the LSC will show you how.

All the sections and the terminology within will make sense to you as you begin to read and carefully examine the plan I propose. What I propose in this book is a comprehensive plan on how to achieve success in a long-term relationship. It’s designed to accommodate a larger population; from single people who are contemplating a long-term relationship, to couples who have already committed but want to fix what’s broken, to those who think they have it all figured out without realizing there’s always more to improve.

You don’t realize there’s more to improve in a long-term relationship because you don’t know as much about the subject as you think you do. This is not a knock against you but a simple statement of fact. The only experience you have about relationships is through the ones you’ve been in, the ones you read about or watched on TV or the ones your friends confided in you. Other than that, your knowledge in the matter is limited.

The reason I say you don’t know as much as you think you do (and I include a large portion of the adult population in this conversation), is not just because of your limited sample size but when analyzing the successes and failures in relationships, you think correlation is the same as causation. You’re used to fixing relationship problems on a trial-and-error basis, assessing the result based on the action you took prior to the result. The problem with such an approach is it leads you to believe that an action taken before an event caused the event.

Such an approach ignores what comes between the action and the result because most people don’t have the time nor the energy to analyze the nexus between the two. They don’t have any reason to get deeper into the matter because, if it’s not part of their profession or craft, the study of marriage and long-term relationships doesn’t interest them as much.

They simply employ a trial-and-error approach because they’re personally invested and pressed with time. They’re personally invested because it’s their own relationship, and time is of the essence because they need to fix it quickly before it gets worse. The action they took that led them to finding happiness in the past is what they will keep doing until proven otherwise. But this can’t be considered a sound plan in managing a relationship responsibly.

In truth, there’s nothing wrong with your limited knowledge in this subject matter. Why should you know more about marriage or long-term relationships if this field of expertise is not your profession? You shouldn’t and that’s perfectly fine. What I take issue with, however, given your limited knowledge and sample size, is when you pretend to manage your relationship as if you knew how.

Realizing you don’t know as much about long-term relationships other than your own (and even then, you don’t bother to go in depth as long as what you know has helped you fix a problem), should give you the appetite to know more. Knowing more about something you value and want to preserve, will compel you to improve it so that you can enjoy it further and without uncertainty. You should have more respect and appreciation for your marriage not to hand it over to an amateur like yourself whenever it needs fixing or a simple tune-up.

The least you can do is hire professional help. Whenever you’re in need of the services of an accountant, plumber or a surgeon, you don’t try to do it yourself; you look for outside help. Even though it’s different with long-term relationships and you can’t turn to outside help to do the managing for you, what you can do in this case is get the necessary training.

You should convince yourself to get professional training so you can fix what needs fixing professionally. How is it that you don’t force yourself to get the appropriate training and education on how to manage your marriage, if you claim your marriage means a great deal to you? Understand that the plan is to get the right education so that you become a professional in managing your relationship.

Not only do I not want you to figure out your long-term relationship on the go with little experience to handle it efficiently, but I also want you to avoid whatever clichéd advice people get from conventional counseling. I don’t want you to learn tricks on how to patch-up relationship problems with superficial, short-termed solutions. I want you to make a serious investment and study the subject as an academic. I want you to learn it from experts like me who’ll teach you how to manage your long-term relationship like a pro; like it mattered.

Unlike you whose interest in this subject matter is limited in scope and depth, mine on the other hand is wide and deep. I am not just a professional, I’m an expert. I’ve dedicated two decades to the practice of Marriage and Relationship Counseling, and I’ve spent the last eight years studying the subject with great interest and particularity. I’ve combined research, personal input and my extensive experience to the study, and expanded my findings into a curriculum to which this book is an introduction.

When I say you should learn how to manage your long-term relationship from me, it’s because I will teach to become a professional in the field. As a professional, you’ll be able to manage your relationship knowing fully what it takes to succeed. You’ll develop a larger, long-term perspective of your relationship that you’ll begin to fix a problem before it becomes one. With professional training, you’ll learn to manage it not reactively but proactively.

Without professional training, you can learn to manage your relationship adequately on your own, just as you would manage to build a hut when in need of a shelter. There isn’t much know-how needed to build a hut as long as it stays upright and keeps out the elements. But I will teach you how to design and then build a proper long-term relationship so you can have a sturdier, more luxurious abode with the size, structure and comfort of your liking.

Other experts who are stuck in outdated convention will teach you about marriage and long-term relationships the same way you would learn cooking at your neighborhood community college. But learning how to cook as a hobby isn’t the same as becoming a master chef. With the LSC and the methodology therein, you’ll become a professionally trained expert in managing your relationship. Once you read this book and begin to analyze your relationship with a trained eye, you’ll believe me when I say there’s always something to improve, if not with you, with your relationship.

This book is designed to improve your relationship even if you think there’s nothing to improve. I say there’s always room for improvement with all couples, but even if you disagree because your relationship is great and it ought not to be tampered with, I urge you to go through a couple of the chapters because you will be surprised with how much there is to learn.

Once you read how thorough and well-articulated the concepts are, this book will give you an in-depth understanding of why your relationship works as efficiently as you think it does. At least that way, if nothing else, you will know not to mess it up in the future.

If you learn the reasons why your relationship works so well, then you’ll also be cognizant of the things you do inadvertently to upset it. And after reading this book, you’ll learn to refrain from doing those things any further. Instead of resting on your laurels and hoping that nothing goes wrong between you and your partner, you can read this book and discover a few more interesting concepts that could help you better manage your married life and increase the level of your happiness. If we agree that the ultimate goal is maximizing one’s happiness, then why not see if it’s possible.

Read this book and I promise you’ll be surprised with what you’ll learn.

That said, my primary motivation for writing this book is to give real, tangible solutions to couples who’re struggling to understand why everything they do seems difficult and counterproductive. I’m also invested in reaching out to couples whose marital expectations were very high initially but after few years in, they’ve found themselves disappointed and disillusioned about the future.

In addition to wanting to revolutionize how one approaches marriage or long-term relationship, my other wish is to catch as many of you as I can early, as single people, before you make a long-term commitment. That way, I’d be able to walk you through all the four steps of the LSC and teach you how to do it right.

Nevertheless, the beauty of the LSC methodology and how all four sections are interconnected is that it will benefit any couple or person who’s serious about the quality of their life and the fate of their long-term relationship. I don’t like it when couples break up, especially when their frustration in failing to succeed in their relationship is something, with little guidance and education, can be totally eliminated.

In my private practice, I’m always saddened to come across couples who are ready to walk away from each other, not because the love is gone or they lost interest, but simply because they don’t know how to fix what’s wrong with their relationship. I’m always running into new, endearing clients who genuinely care for one another and greatly value their relationships, but they simply don’t know or understand what it takes to make their relationship work.

These days, there are too many unnecessary breakups and numerous unhappy couples who’re suffering in silence that can be rescued and put back on the right track. In today’s world where there’s plenty of help for those in need, no one should suffer on their own. In the past, rescuing a long-term relationship used to be a challenge for therapists because couples weren’t open to counseling as they are today.

It used to be that many frowned upon asking for outside professional help because they believed it made them appear dysfunctional and incompetent. But nowadays, there’s little resistance on that front, especially when couples—like the ones I come across, are clearly more appreciative of the benefits than they are suspicious of the social stigma.

The resistance these days comes from skepticism. Couples are less concerned with the stigma attached to counseling, but they’ve grown weary of the vocation as a whole and its efficacy. Their skepticism is warranted because the statistics prove it. Conventional couples therapy promises more than it can deliver, which is why the number of couples going to counseling in the last decade has not increased as anticipated.

In my opinion, the reason for the disappointing figures is that people have lost respect for the message. The deference they used to have for couples therapy is slowly dissipating because the lesson they get from counseling is outdated and no longer caters to a smarter, more informed clientele.

Conventional counseling has lost its effectiveness because people have caught up with its tricks. It merely puts a bandage on a festering wound, thus rarely getting to the root of the problem. What people have discovered is that contemporary marriage counseling is centered around conflict resolution; an approach that’s fact-based and superficial.

The problem with conflict resolution is that at the end, nobody is held accountable if the conflict is resolved. According to contemporary convention, the thinking is: if couples are persuaded to let go of their differences and agree to drop their conflict, then they’re deemed a success.

This type of approach doesn’t offer a permanent solution. It only postpones the conflict to a later time by allowing it to come back camouflaged as a new problem in a different scenario. It leaves couples frustrated and resigned to believing that counseling is a waste of their time. And if they were to have any future success in their relationship, they’re better off trying to solve their issues on their own.

Couples today have access to an enormous amount of information at their fingertips that they feel they don’t need outside help. They believe they no longer need to sit with a therapist who’ll offer them a temporary patch-up solution that seldom reaches the root of their problem. But the unfortunate fact is access to information doesn’t necessarily mean knowing how to use it, and that is assuming the information is useful to begin with.

Modern couples are more informed than before. They’re open to solutions that work for them, provided the messenger is not superficial and the message is not fluffed with pointless jargon. Couples of today are accomplished, well-adjusted and no longer fooled by counseling gimmicks that insult their intelligence.

They’re looking for practical, sound advice capable of explaining to them the things they’re doing wrong and the reasons why they’re wrong. In terms of improvement, they expect a solution they can take home and apply to their circumstance; something they believe will help them fix their relationship not just because they’re told it would but because they appreciate the philosophy behind it. If offered a pragmatic approach that challenges them intellectually but also capable of delivering a message that’s concise and with substance, they will listen.

Couples in the 21st century have access to a litany of information at their fingertips but never received a formal education on how to use that information. Nowadays, they can find relationship advice without having to leave their home, but what they find is often disjointed, unstructured and messy. This book is an attempt to organize that information thereby giving it structure and sense. The plan is to simplify their lives by simplifying their relationships.

I’ve been a psychologist long enough to know that relationships are better when simplified. Simplicity comes from acquiring the right knowledge and the stamina to put that knowledge to work. When people come to understand themselves and their relationship in the least complicated way, the happier they will be.

Relationships become complicated when they’re filled with clutter. This clutter comes from external distraction and influence people are subjected to but end up following because they can’t see past it. I call this outside noise.

The information people receive from various publications and the internet is the primary cause in creating this clutter. This outside noise is an extension of all the armchair psychology that passes as advice. I am not dismissing the advice because it’s not totally wrong or unreasonable; it’s just that it has outlived its usefulness and, therefore, not consistent with modern relationships.

But what further complicates the management of relationships is the failure of contemporary conventional counseling which doesn’t offer much but empty jargon. The jargon is not wrong but it needs to be further simplified for better understanding. But even if it’s made easier for the layperson (which in my opinion has gotten smarter and more informed), it’s has not kept up with the changes in society which no longer caters to a victim’s mentality thinking. And what’s worse is that this jargon is available everywhere and it makes up the majority of the outside noise.

My approach is about simplifying matters by removing all the clutter. When I say remove, I don’t mean eliminate it completely. What I do is trust your judgment and leave out what you already know. Simplicity is hard to achieve and what I teach is not an easy curriculum. But once you understand my methodology and apply what you’ve learned to your life and relationship, the results will be self-evident.

My philosophy is called the Life Simplified Concepts (LSC) and my overall approach to therapy is to empower couples by giving them the ability to self-diagnose and solve their problem on their own. My ultimate goal is to teach them how to identify the source of their problem and then build a workable solution around the source (and not the problem). I know my approach looks easy on paper and the fact that my methodology is called Life Simplified doesn’t help either. But as much as it is practical bent on pragmatism, what I propose is not for the simple-minded.

The expression Life Simplified is not just one of those smart, quirky sayings I utter in passing, hoping that one day it becomes a fridge-magnet logo. To me, it’s a way of thinking—a school of thought to which I fully subscribe. It’s the guiding force not just behind my professional advice but one I follow in my personal life as well. Not only am I committed to simplifying my personal circumstance but I’ve also made the Life Simplified philosophy the foundation on which I built the curriculum discussed in this book.

And if you’re still wondering what this whole Life Simplified stuff really means, maybe this would help. To put it differently, it’s about approaching life in an uncomplicated, pragmatic manner so that you can wreak all its benefits. You do so by minimizing the damage a reckless, mismanaged life can cause.

Although the mere suggestion that life is more enjoyable when simplified is, in and of itself, an exaggerated simplification. My Life Simplified philosophy is not as plain. There’s a lot of work that goes into it before one can turn life simpler and more enjoyable.

I believe that life (or to put it in a more relatable perspective: the proper management of marriages and long-term relationships), is made to be more complicated than it really is because it’s being constantly defined by those who haven’t done their homework. I have done my homework and this book is the proof. But it hasn’t been easy to convince others of that just because my methodology is called Life Simplified.

When I introduce the LSC to my clients, they think I’m offering them some magic pill like in those obnoxious Weigh Loss commercials. But far from it. Compared to others, there’s a lot of homework and brain power one must invest in when trying to understand my approach and methodology.

Whether it’s in counseling sessions, workshops or seminars, when people first hear me speak of Life Simplified or simplifying life, I know they say to themselves: this stuff is easy. Most people think my teachings are based on a formula that’s intellectually less challenging. They don’t realize that there are difficult steps they need to overcome; challenging concepts they must understand; and complex principles they have to adhere to before they’re successfully able to simplify their relationship. There’s nothing easy in what I propose, and simplified does not mean easy.

In private sessions, when the concept of simplicity is discussed for the first time, most of my clients feel instant relief because they think I’m going to give them license to slack off. To them, simplicity means the utter rejection of all things complex so that when things get hard and complicated in their relationships, they don’t hold themselves accountable.

Life Simplified is a common expression but my version is unique. My version doesn’t sponsor simplicity by rejecting the notion of complexity or all things complex. Quite the opposite. It accepts it with objectivity and an inquisitive mind. And as far as marriage and relationships are concerned, my version of Life Simplified takes complicated ideas and tries to decipher them intelligently, making their application to one’s circumstance more manageable.

My version doesn’t follow the don’t-worry-be-happy version of life that most people are happy to get behind. What I suggest is a more challenging proposition, and the challenge is to take any given concept that theoretically seems complex and enigmatic, and with little common sense, make it simpler and more manageable to apply.

With my version, there are two steps to the approach. First, you take a complicated concept (in this case: marriage or a long-term relationship) and simplify it so that it becomes understandable. The second step is to take the simplified explanation that’s just a theory at that point, and learn how to apply it to your personal circumstance in a way that’s intelligent and practical.

My plan with this book is to assume the first step. I’ll take the responsibility of simplifying this highly complex subject and make it understandable to you. And per the second step, you take what you learned and apply it to your relationship to fix and improve your situation. Take the lessons from the LSC and try to structure your life around this simplified concept to maximize your happiness.

Let’s begin.

What Is Marriage and why Do People Get Married

Whenever I ask my clients what they think the definition of marriage is, their answers are usually vague and full of fluff. Based on what they say, it sounds like their answers are contrived, uninspired, as though they weren’t convinced themselves either. On the other hand, when I ask them to tell me what their marriage means to them, suddenly, they prop up, have a smile on their face and begin to talk with confidence. Their response gets clearer and their explanations more reasoned.

The difference between the first and the second instance is the excitement in their voice and the level of conviction in their response. In the first instance, they simply regurgitated what they heard from others; what I call outside noise. Whereas, in the second instance, they speak from firsthand knowledge and personal experience, and thus more assured of their explanations.

When they share their own experiences, their response starts with, "I got married because I wanted … or I got married because I needed … or something to that effect. And if they weren’t married, they would say, I plan to get married because I need to … or, if I get married, it’s because I want to …."

They use verbs like need or want to show marriage is something they would enter to fulfill their selfish reasons. Not selfish in a pejorative way but something that’s based on realizing self-interest and that interest needs fulfilling. They see marriage as an investment; an arrangement with a payoff at the end.

They see it as an arrangement where if they put in the work, they’ll get something in return. They understand that like every adult who’s in need of a companion, they have needs too and they want to find that special person who’ll help them meet those needs. And to do so to their satisfaction, they recognize marriage to be the better conduit to achieving that objective successfully.

The couples I talked with admit they didn’t get married for some selfless, benevolent reason, as if they’re