Astrology For The Weak . . . The World's First and Only Multiple Choice Horoscopes

Introduction

Astrology for the Weak: The World’s First and Only Multiple Choice Horoscopes is the Sedona Excentric’s accumulated astrological wisdom. The horoscopes here represent over two decades of highly accurate and mildly sarcastic information from the globally successful magazine. We are passing along all this horse sense to you. You might call it recycled. We call it highly accessible.

Wisdom for the Ages

In astrology we turn to the stars to see how they guide us on our path. There are very complex mathematical calculations used to decode this highly sophisticated, galactic language. Okay, you might think our slide rule is slightly off, but this is everything we have to give, all our best stuff.

Historical figures from Attila the Hun to Ronald Reagan consulted the greatest astrologers of their time to figure out how to plot their course. Now you can too…What, you don’t need to know the best time of the year to cross the Alps with a team of pachyderms? No worries…we’ll keep you in teflon as you move through your year, nothing will stick to you.

Pick the best of...

You have three horoscopes to choose from for each week of each month for years. Read each option and choose the one that sucks the least. Like those who claim to read the stars and lead you in a direction, ours, too, will help you to create your own reality.

So….you think the stars have all moved and realigned in the sky since these were written? Read you favorite astrological forecast from a few years ago and you will find it is the same for a friend of yours today. We invite you to check out these horoscopes as you move throughout each of the coming months and years. Enjoy!

Thom Stanley

January

January Astrology For The Weak 1 Choice 1:

Aries [March 21 – April 19] Holiday depression sets in when you realize that you can’t return the special gift from your former lover. Sure, it is a bug ring, but being around the bathtub renders it nearly worthless.

Taurus [April 20 – May 20] This week will find you both making and breaking those dreaded New Year’s resolutions – again. Fortunately, this time, you just might succeed, as you’ll vow to eat more raw garlic and date less.

Gemini [May 21 – June 20] The pressures of yet another year of living in the same old town working at the same old job and following the same old routines will force you to become a devout Astrology For The Weak reader.

Cancer [June 21 – July 22] This January, you will finally find the courage to clean under your bed, only to be totally stomped into unconsciousness by angry dust bunnies and awake covered with their dust bunny pellets.

Leo [July 23 – August 22] The stars say that you will come to regret buying all your Christmas presents online. All the recipients will be upset that they have no chance of returning the holiday JibJab ecards with their photos.

Virgo [August 23 – September 22] You will make a concerted effort to become more of a nature lover this week, beginning with your choice of deodorants. Sadly, rubbing a crystal under your arms leaves you with a rash and a bit stinky.

Libra [September 23 – October 22] This week, you will promise to forgive and forget trespasses against you as your New Year’s resolution. It may be a bit easier if you remember that time wounds all heels.

Scorpio [October 23 – November 21] You will find yourself spending endless hours fiddling with the new Global Positioning System you got for Christmas. Unfortunately, for Scorpios, it still can’t help you find yourself.

Sagittarius [November 22 – December 21] The pride you took in tossing all those sharpened pencils into the ceiling in your office will turn to horror when the pencils release simultaneously with you and your boss in the room.

Capricorn [December 22 – January 19] You will have weeks, nay weeks, of raucous fun playing with all the fabulous new toys your inner child found left by your secret Santa under the virtual Christmas tree.

Aquarius [January 20 – February 18] This week, you will try to convince yourself that you have become totally in tune with your surroundings. You will be proven wrong when you find all the Christmas gifts you gave on your doorstep.

Pisces [February 19 – March 20] Not being included in a huge holiday party at one of your neighbor’s homes will prompt you to egg and toilet paper their house. Later, you will find the invitation stuck in your screen door - oops.

January Astrology For The Weak 1 Choice 2:

Aries [March 21 – April 19] You will reread the New Year’s resolution over and over again, day after day. You know, it’s the one where you vow to treat people better wherever you are whenever you meet, stranger or no. There it is – that clause in tiny print that says it all happens when you find something appropriate to wear.

Taurus [April 20 – May 20] When you were young, dirty little thoughts meant playing on the bare ground or rolling in mud. My, how times have changed with age. This week, your dirty little thoughts may lead to a few blindsided hard slaps and one full-fledged restraining order.

Gemini [May 21 – June 20] This week, you will feel proud to have accomplished your mother’s dream of you becoming a doctor. Armed with a Shark vacuum and some industrial strength straws, you will hang your shingle on the back door for your Holistic Liposuction clinic in Cornville, Arizona, with franchises available.

Cancer [June 21 – July 22] You will come to terms with the fact that you need to eat healthier. The problem is organic, GMO-free and fresh grown foods cost more than you can afford. Since most people can only afford SPAM, which is not so healthy, you will create a new, affordable, healthy product from harvested from your local creek - SPISH.

Leo [July 23 – August 22] You will repeat to yourself over and over again that it is not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. You will do this as the emergency room doctor removes Monopoly pieces from your various orifices.

Virgo [August 23 – September 22] This week, you will take advantage of the latest political shift in the country concerning the world of children’s toys. You will create and patent a Kid’s Spy Kit that includes CIA Barbie, fired NSA Ken and Russian Spy Bobby and Friends.

Libra [September 23 – October 22] You will find yourself confused and disappointed in yourself this week, as your New Year’s resolution was to go the entire week without waking up in a motel room with no luggage, no clothing and painted like a partially licked candy cane.

Scorpio [October 23 – November 21] This year, you will vow to be the only one in your circle of friends and family that will actually keep your New year’s resolution. The trick is to make one you can easily keep, like not using the f word at indoor church services. Church sponsored picnics, with contests, are different.

Sagittarius [November 22 – December 21] You will set new goals for you and your family to achieve this week. You may want to discuss these new goals with your family prior to signing everyone up for that non-refundable fat farm contract.

Capricorn [December 22 – January 19] A change in your job situation is possible this week. It may involve a change in title, a slight pay cut and giving up your pension, but, it not include that much heralded more to Jaipur, India. Oh, well.

Aquarius [January 20 – February 18] This week, you will realign your political affiliation to Independent, making you a member of the only political party without a congressional representative going to prison. Perhaps you could form a new party – the Politically Agnostic.

Pisces [February 19 – March 20] This week is going to mark the beginning of a new direction for Pisces. There will be no more struggling to get ahead, no more fighting to stay afloat. Your answer to freedom is simply to quit. See ya! Adios!

January Astrology For The Weak 1 Choice 3:

Aries [March 21 – April 19] Your resolution to exercise and diet to improve your general health will be broken before you can finish your tiramisu. You will spend the rest of the week trying to figure out a resolution for next year. The best you can do is vow to give up making a resolution. That’s one you can keep.

Taurus [April 20 – May 20] You will try, in vain, this week to spend quality time with a person in uniform you readily admit is totally out of your league. Taurus is not one to go down without a fight. However, the fact that the object of your affection’s team bowls on a different night could prove challenging.

Gemini [May 21 – June 20] This week, you will decide the time is right to remove your tattoos, take out your safety pins, fill in your piercing holes and let that side of your hair grow back. If it wasn’t for your squeaky wheelchair, no one at the nursing home would recognize you.

Cancer [June 21 – July 22] The stars show this may be the right time for you to stop drinking. The stars seem to have heard that you were either conceived in a bar on a pool table after closing time or during a combination of snow storm and Jagermeister. Some other stars remind you to hydrate.

Leo [July 23 – August 22] You will come to accept the gift you have possessed lo these many years. You can channel a deaf, divine spirit, Zot, from a distant time and place. What you thought was your imaginary friend nudging you when you least expected it, will turn out to be Zot. Now you are the only earthly channel who signs.

Virgo [August 23 – September 22] Everyone knows Virgos are known for being able to keep a secret, and your friends appreciate your confidence. A rumor will spread that you have learned the secret to happiness. Being true to your word, your friends all leave you because, while you exude glee and joy constantly, you can keep a secret.

Libra [September 23 – October 22] Tiring of being thought of as insensitive and unable to sympathize or even empathize with those closest to you, this week, you will vow to change your ways. You will spend hours in front of a mirror pretending to be sad and will start carrying eye drops.

Scorpio [October 23 – November 21] Extra money could come your way in January. You will spend the better part of this week tracking down online retail vendors. If successful, you will attempt to return all the crappy gifts your relatives got you for Christmas.

Sagittarius [November 22 – December 21] You will vow to right a wrong and do your best to return the reputation of America to the once heralded Land of Milk and Honey. You will begin by sending the president a dvd of reruns of My Name Is Earl.

Capricorn [December 22 – January 19] You are one among many who now find making New Year’s resolutions a total waste of time and energy. You made them in the past, but realized their futility after never begin happier, healthier or expose you to even one sexual encounter with anyone other than yourself.

Aquarius [January 20 – February 18] This week, you will unsuccessfully attempt to find a potential mate in the grocers that shares your vegan values, but has an open mind toward physical encounters. Your chances would likely improve if you would move your conversation to fruits or vegetables other than organic bananas or cucumbers.

Pisces [February 19 – March 20] Pisces usually just roll through January as smooth as a hockey puck on ice with little to no fanfare. This week should prove to be no different, as you will glide on by with absolutely no one noticing you at all – not even the zamboni.

January Astrology For The Weak 2 Choice 1:

Aries [March 21 – April 19] This week, you will seriously consider getting back into the dating scene and will realize the need to seek the advice of closest friends. They will most likely tell you just to be yourself. But, if being yourself is why you are alone, perhaps you should be someone else.

Taurus [April 20 – May 20] You will need to be careful what you wish for this week. After complaining repeatedly about the size of your paycheck, your boss will finally agree that your paycheck doesn’t match the quality of your work. You can expect a reduced sum starting next week.

Gemini [May 21 – June 20] Strange things will lie ahead for Gemini this week; fortunately no stranger than normal. You will, however, have dreams of being attacked by a person wrapped in roast beef. After discussing them with those you most trust, you will decide to go to bed slathered in mayo and holding slices of white bread. Well, that’s strange.

Cancer [June 21 – July 22] You have learned, with time, to be prepared for the usual and unexpected holiday challenges. Your readiness gives you the time you will need to pamper yourself for a change. With a new year ahead, the only task left is to rid yourself of that grin plastered to your face – the one that says, Hi, nice to meet you.

Leo [July 23 – August 22] Another year and another resolution. This year you may want to think long and hard about coming clean to your relatives and friends about all the lies you told. Fortunately, Leos are notorious for not keeping their vows.

Virgo [August 23 – September 22] This is a good time to strip yourself of that veneer of false bravado you have been wearing, and trust your friends will accept you for who you really are. Reveal your vulnerabilities – like your abject fear of small people – like babies, children, little people and bent over old people. You may trust your friends too much.

Libra [September 23 – October 22] You are known as one who can really turn a phrase, or is it turn a trick. Either way, it’s cool. Friends will tell you to stop making mountains out of molehills. It will dawn on you that that’s exactly what you need to and study to become a plastic surgeon.

Scorpio [October 23 – November 21] Bizarre holidays will fascinate you this week. You will find such celebrations online. This being January, you should look up January. Being creative, you will probably be able to observe each of the strange holidays. Let everyone know how you chose to celebrate Old Rock Day.

Sagittarius [November 22 – December 21] Charting the stars and the planets and layering a map of your life across the cosmos is basically astrology for dummies. So, the mere fact that you are reading this page shows the seriousness to which you respect the science. You will still wonder why predictions and forecasts are the words that matter most.

Capricorn [December 22 – January 19] Not known to get embroiled in politics, whether local or national, you will surprise everyone this new year when you volunteer to carry petitions in the parking lot of your Walmart. You will encourage passersby to sign their names to help outlaw fake cheese on nachos.

Aquarius [January 20 – February 18] Keeping your New Year’s resolution this time around will be your most difficult challenge to date. You will feel a need to prove professional wrestling is legit before accepting that new gig as The Masked Couch Potato.

Pisces [February 19 – March 20] This week, you will take a hard look back on your recent past and note your accomplishments. After a short accounting, you will look ahead to upcoming goals you have set, asking yourself repeatedly, What’s the point?

January Astrology For The Weak 2 Choice 2:

Aries [March 21 – April 19] You’ve always been big on re-gifting. It’s not that you’re cheap, just particular. But this week you will have a hard time deciding who you know that would truly appreciate a nice lawn jockey with lantern.

Taurus [April 20 – May 20] So, this week you will give the gift to your ex-partner that lasts and lasts and can’t possibly be returned – a perpetual, five hundred foot restraining order all wrapped up with a pretty red bow.

Gemini [May 21 – June 20] For years, your significant other has been promising you a new ring to replace that Cracker Jacks box toy. Sadly, you will disappoint - this time with nothing more than a ring around the tub or the collar.

Cancer [June 21 – July 22] You will be depressed this week after receiving a gift you have pined over for some time. You will open a box and find what you thought was a riding crop, leading to a horse, is a shoehorn leading to loafers.

Leo [July 23 – August 22] The stars say that this is a great week to avoid making major decisions. Also, avoid making minor decisions. In fact, avoid making any decisions this week. In other words, the stars say just be yourself.

Virgo [August 23 – September 22] You will go from rags to riches this week when you come up with the idea to create Jell-O molds in the shape of famous peoples’ faces. The jiggling faces will frighten children, leading to lawsuits and you back to rags.

Libra [September 23 – October 22] This week, you will be known as the person on your block who will buy, donate to or sign whatever is being peddled door-to-door. You will also be the first to sign an anti-solicitation petition.

Scorpio [October 23 – November 21] You will gain recognition this week when you single-handedly save deep space exploration. To save money, NASA will relocate to a control center in Mexico to use your invention, Astro Beano.

Sagittarius [November 22 – December 21] You will be embarrassed this week when a close friend catches you returning their gift to you for a refund. You’ll feel better when you learn they had just finished cashing in your gift to them.

Capricorn [December 22 – January 19] This holiday season will have you seeking peace of mind. You will possibly find happiness, solace, tranquility, comfort, quietude and other stuff like that, but sadly, peace of mind will elude you.

Aquarius [January 20 – February 18] This week, you will be the big hit of an upcoming corporate meeting when you suggest each member in attendance channel their favorite cartoon character from their past for their presentation.

Pisces [February 19 – March 20] Never being known by friends or family as the one who can tell which end is which in any given situation, you will find yourself in a bit of an embarrassing spot this week when you look a gift horse in the...

January Astrology For The Weak 2 Choice 3:

Aries [March 21 – April 19] Your love of charades will fuel your desire to become a mime this week. You will try, but fail after losing a shouting match over a street corner with a timeshare salesman. Perhaps if your hands were as loud as his mouth, you would have stood a chance.

Taurus [April 20 – May 20] Your mother will continue to tell you time and time again to always remember to wear protection when having sex. However, wearing full body armor may be carrying it a little too far – and a bit cold.

Gemini [May 21 – June 20] While watching a movie about kidnapping this week, you will recall being abducted by extraterrestrials when you were a small child. When you confront your father, he will remove his nose and ears. Whoa.

Cancer [June 21 – July 22] You will awaken day after day this week discovering new, mysterious, tiny body tattoos. Finally, you will find the nerve to look under the bed and find two teeny Harley Davidson motorcycles.

Leo [July 23 – August 22] Once again, you will make the mistake of making you New Year’s resolution public. This time, though,you will keep them. Eat more, drink more and curse more, are definitely words you can live by.

Virgo [August 23 – September 22] Now may be a really good time to pamper yourself. Start the week caring for your feet; take them out for a walk. Then play some head games. Follow that up with a little hand jive –that’s jive.

Libra [September 23 – October 22] This week, you will forego believing in coincidences, but yet find it odd that every time you are on the toilet, the phone rings. What about refried beans followed by gas and bloating – coincidence?

Scorpio [October 23 – November 21] People will turn to you for advice on every matter this week. You will tell them repeatedly, Do what you want. It doesn’t matter unless it is in regards to sex, money, health work, or love.

Sagittarius [November 22 – December 21] You may wake up one morning to a troupe of fairies frolicking in your shower. Just for fun, you will flush the toilet and watch them do the ooh, ooh, hot, hot fairy dance. Stay away from the bidet.

Capricorn [December 22 – January 19] For some strange reason, you will consider taking up the accordion. After a week of steady practice, you will awaken one morning in the Nevada desert with some water, a little beef jerky and that noisy squeeze box with a note that reads, Play to your heart’s desire.

Aquarius [January 20 – February 18] This week, you will decide to join one of those hair replacement clubs. Too bad there isn’t a hair fairy to leave you money under your pillow. You would be rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Pisces [February 19 – March 20] Your doctor will advise you to improve your mental health by exercising your brain this week. So, you will decide to jog your memory and leap to conclusions. You will then be diagnosed as the first patient ever with a cranial charlie horse.

January Astrology For The Weak 3 Choice 1:

Aries [March 21 – April 19] Be honest on your resume, but don’t tell too much this week. Leave out the fact that you lost your last job at the local cryogenics facility for knocking the power plug out when dancing with your mop.

Taurus [April 20 – May 20] The energy of a brand-new year will find you confident enough to finally come out of the closet. But just one look at your choice of clothing and you will be pleaded with to go back in and change.

Gemini