Boosting Your Joy: Happy Little Advice for Your Relationships, Your Career and Yourself

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INTRODUCTION

BOOSTING YOUR JOY IS WITHIN YOUR GRASP

Your marriage feels off. Your kids are ruling the roost and running over you. You seem disconnected from your friends. You are moody or get angry often. You don’t have adequate time to handle your home or manage your career. You are unsatisfied where you are professionally and you constantly worry about money. And to top it all off, your favorite jeans don’t fit.

Is the joy being sucked out of your life? Are you overscheduled and underappreciated? Are you being pulled in too many directions? Do you wish everyone would give you a break? Some days do you just want to crawl back into bed and hide?

Americans are simply more stressed and more depressed. Nearly one out of every four women is medicated to get through the day. The number of Americans taking anti-depressants rose 65% in the past fifteen years.

Today’s society expects women to be super moms, super wives, and super in business. Well, my cape is at the cleaners and it’s going to stay that way to keep me sane. I’ve battled the family and home-based business pendulum for twenty years. I understand the struggles to maintain healthy relationships in your life, keeping your husband, your kids, and your friends in a happy place while trying to make your own mark on the world.

In Boosting Your Joy, you will learn the two indicators of a strong, healthy marriage, how to keep it steamy in the bedroom, and after fighting, how to put the relationship back together. You will hear ten ways to have more friends or ratchet a friendship up a level.

Parenting is a thankless job but it doesn’t have to be joyless. Children are hard-wired with their own unique personalities and therefore, blanket discipline in families won’t work. Come learn what will so you have kids that mind. All parents worry, Boosting Your Joy will coach you through the thirteen vital conversations you should have with your children to keep them safe. The parenting section also teaches how to foster loving sibling relationships. You will be taught ways to cure tattling, elicit worthwhile apologies and say no to your kids. A parent is only as happy as their most troubled child. In this book, you will acquire the know-how to create resilient children.

Boosting Your Joy will encourage personal development and add helpful tips for running a home-based business. Stop yourself from stopping yourself. This book will provide a practical way to generate excess positivity to outweigh negativity. You will be introduced to concepts like Word of the Year and maintaining a Blessings Jar. Time Management strategies such as prioritizing, closing the loop on projects and finishing strong are revealed. The Formula for Success divulged in these chapters will pinpoint your areas of weakness and help you focus on the right improvements. Balancing home and career, leading others well and handling times of transitions will be discussed and tips given.

If you choose to take the advice laid out in this book, the result will be a life filled with joyful relationships and happy pursuits. Armed with the knowledge of what produces an effective marriage, you too can celebrate many anniversaries to come. Applying the parenting techniques within will squarely put you back in the authority role with your kids and create a more peaceful home. If you harness the wisdom of self-management revealed here, you can lead a successful home-based business or run your home like a champion.

I come to you with almost twenty years of leadership experience in the direct sales industry in which I coached and trained thousands of women on developing themselves and their teams. I coached an award-winning sales team, was a top personal and team recruiter, and a multi-million-dollar producer. I’m a certified human behavior specialist that trains others on personality differences and how to convey ideas so others understand. The communication skills and leadership development spilled over into the home where I raised three amazing daughters and created a loving marriage of twenty-five years to my husband Vincent. Now I’m not a doctor, a psychologist or a saint. And I’m still on the road to self-actualization myself. I just happen to have some tips that I learned so far that I’m happy to share. I love spreading joy and want others to lead cheerful lives.

I can understand why we all haven’t mastered this life of bliss. It’s a long and crooked road to happiness and just when you have one area figured out, another part of life falls apart. This is a daily pursuit, not a one-and-done solution.

I would love to be your guide on this journey. Allow me to show the way and point out a few cranky thieves of joy. At the same time, I can coach you on ways to inject more happiness into all areas of your life.

So what are you waiting for? Do you want to wake up tomorrow to a truly positive life? Isn’t it time to make your home a joyful one? Do you want to show your kids what a great marriage looks like? Are you ready to get your business in a happy place? If you answered yes to these questions, let’s get started.

SECTION ONE

Achieving Marital

BLISS

Chapter One

LOVE THE ONE YOU ARE WITH

Choose your Love; Love your choice. —Thomas Monson

Loving someone else is brave. It creates vulnerability to care about someone. But it’s the most rewarding human endeavor. We’re supposed to offer our hearts to one another and love fiercely.

My husband Vincent is my favorite person on this earth. I love him madly. He is my whole world. And he drives me crazy. That in a nutshell sums up marriage. You pluck someone out of a bunch of people and hope to craft a joyful life together.

My wedding day was the best day of my life, in spite of the fact that a band member stepped on one of our cakes and the baker had to run back and make another one. In spite of the fact that a full glass of wine was tipped down my wedding dress at the first table I greeted during the reception. It’s still my favorite day!

The memory of walking down the aisle toward my gorgeous soon-to-be husband Vincent is seared in my brain. He was there at the altar with his eyes shining and his lips smiling just for me. And I was thinking, Lucky me, I have you. I have you beside me to do life with. I have you to be a daddy to my future kids. I have you to shore me up when times are tough.

And twenty-five years later, we have certainly faced some challenges. We’ve raised three daughters, bought two houses and both changed companies we worked for several times. We’ve had lean times with four job losses, losing money in the 2008 stock market crash and having two house payments at once. We’ve had tragedy in our lives with the loss of our four-month old nephew, Logan. We’ve had health scares like dealing with my mom’s kidney failure and encountering anxiety and depression in our household. Life has not always been smooth sailing. I still feel lucky in love.

My grandfather was married for sixty years to my grandmother. Pop-Pop as we called him used to always say, Dance with the one who brung you. In other words, stay with the one who has stuck by your side. The saying expresses loyalty toward your partner not just in the good times, the easy times or when it suits you, but all the time. Too many people say I do and then when life gets hard, they quickly question, Do I?

A good marriage isn’t something you find. It’s something you make. So just how can you do that?

MAINTAINING REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

I tease Vincent that the key to a happy marriage is low expectations. But seriously, it’s true. If you expect your husband to be the one to make you happy, that’s setting him up for failure big time. Your spouse wasn’t put on this earth to be in charge of your happiness. That’s a big ask. When you maintain realistic expectations of what another person can deliver, you live a more satisfied life.

Men aren’t equipped to be our emotional thermometer. They are not mind readers. They are not even good face readers. Or haircut noticers. But they are ours. So we keep them.

A happy life isn’t so elusive with that someone special by your side. People with significant others tend to be happier and more satisfied in general. Now that isn’t saying there aren’t hard days. Your husband isn’t supposed to be Mr. Perfect. He just needs to be Mr. Perfect for You. We all have quirks. He does. You do. Being able to live with the other person’s idiosyncrasy is what gives your marriage a chance.

Joy Break: Follow the Signs

My daughter Kennedy at age ten asked, How will I know my husband when I meet him? How will I know HE is the one? I said there would be signs. Perhaps that was too ambiguous, because then she asked, What? Like a big red sign with an arrow pointing at him?

I used to believe couples should stay together no matter what. Work it out. I no longer think that’s the straight up answer. When couples aren’t good for each other, staying together for the kids doesn’t show what love really looks like. Rather it shows the opposite. Perhaps it’s better to go find a fit that works.

My in-laws, Madalyn and Jerry have each been married three times. In our family, we say, Sixth time’s the charm because they ended up with the best partner, even though they had to take a few dry runs. Sometimes you follow a crooked path to find each other. And others know right out of the gate.

My freshman roommate in college had never been on a date. One day a fellow engineer major in one of her classes came by and asked her if she wanted to get pizza. She declined and he left. Being present for all of this, I said, Why did you say no? You should go get pizza with him!!

She said, Well, it’s too late now.

I declared, No it isn’t. Run after him. Tell him you do want to go. So she did and they started dating. Years later she sent me a wedding invitation with a personal note saying how glad she was I told her to run after him. They never would’ve gotten married without my meddlesome assistance. He remains the first and only man she dated.

Joy Break: Booting the Groom

My brother-in-law Ian is from England and he married my sister-in-law Anita from Texas. To honor her upbringing, he wore Texas cuff links and cowboy boots to their wedding. I told him right before the ceremony that I loved seeing him in those boots because they make terrible running shoes. Hard to leave a bride at the altar when your soles are slippery!

I heard about a husband who was in the middle of making a sandwich and then said he was going out for mayonnaise, but never came back. He just left the sandwich and marriage unfinished. Now that family gives a jar of mayonnaise to all new brides and grooms joining their clan to ensure they will never have to run out to get some. Once you’ve found your Mr. Perfect for you, keep the mayo stocked.

LIVING WITH YOUR ROMEO

I saw a sign once that said, 90% of being married is just yelling, ‘What?’ from the other room. Finding Romeo can be tricky. Living with Romeo may be even trickier. We all saw what happened to Juliet!

I recommend facing marriage with a sense of humor. That was the number one quality in a husband that was important to me. I wanted to have fun every day. I wanted someone to live joyfully with. Interestingly enough, women enjoy laughing more than men but men enjoy making women laugh. So it works out. True to form, I crack up more than my husband Vincent but he’s the one often causing me to chuckle.

He amuses me wherever we go, even in a foreign country. On a trip to Paris, I was very interested in going to see the Palace of Versailles. I wrote an assignment on it in middle school so I was very excited to see it in person. When we were at the window to buy admission tickets, the woman asked if we wanted headsets to hear the audio information. Vincent said, Oh no, I brought my wife. She did a report on it in sixth grade.

I looked at him and then looked at the woman and said, Two headsets please. Good grief.

My best friend Stacy says, You know a marriage will be successful when both parties feel they got the better deal. I personally think I’m one lucky girl. Vincent remembers what I order at various restaurants around town. I just look at him and he offers up what I like here. It’s nice to share a brain with someone. My sister Rebecca says her husband Charles has an incredible memory. He will recount stories all the time and Rebecca doesn’t remember any of it even though she was present.

So now they have a recurring joke between them, Charles says, Yes, you were there and yes, you had a great time!

A dear family member, Sonya, knew she was with the one when her dad asked, Is he your umbrella fellow? Will he stand with you in the storms of life? Will he shelter you and care for you? And keep the rain off your back? Sonya said, Yes. I found my umbrella fellow.

My Aunt Ginger faced a storm when her husband Roger was diagnosed with Frontotemporal Degeneration. He lost his ability to speak and reason and retreated into dementia. It was devastating to witness. Ginger would sing to him nightly:

You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away

Roger’s light went out after four years of battling this disease. Ginger was committed to him to the end. Roger will always be hers. But the heart is a funny thing. It expands and makes room for more. We saw evidence of this after Roger’s death. Ginger fell in love with Steve, the nurse who took care of Roger. Steve was kind and compassionate to both Roger and Ginger and after Roger died, there was a continued bond and a pull to be together. I think that’s also what love is capable of. Freeing a widow from loneliness. Loving your spouse to the end is a big commitment. And I’m not saying it’s an easy one. Just a worthy one.

When my daughter Hailey was six, our family went to the movies and I asked her to carry the drinks. At one point I asked her if she was ok with the load. She said, I’ll be fine unless I get itches. I believe that’s what people think when looking at their marriage. I’ll be fine unless I get itches. And you will get itches. Some people call the desire to leave your partner after seven years of being together, the Seven Year Itch. Really the itch is part of living together in the same space and trying to stay on the same path. But the itches shouldn’t make you run for the hills.

The balance of marriage is spent teeter tottering between adoring your spouse and being annoyed with your spouse. Those struggling with their partner should remember that you don’t really eliminate issues with a different spouse. Instead, you simply trade out the aggravations of your current spouse for someone else’s hang-ups.

In order for a marriage to work, you need to commit to the marriage as much as you do your partner. Divorcing because you fell out of love is like selling your car because you ran out of gas. Find that love again. Refill the tank.

Joy Break: Sneeze Saver

Vincent’s laptop screen is always dirty. I am not going to lie; I think it’s from his sneezes! It would drive me crazy but it doesn’t bother him. Don’t take on problems that are not yours. Remember we don’t have to deal with what we don’t have to deal with!

With a bit of a giggle, I will tell you what the screenwriter Adele Rogers St Johns said, There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first. In a marriage you will always have to handle another person’s shortcomings. Try not to give your spouse’s faults too much power.

What you focus on expands and the little irritants can grow to be a huge problem if you let them. We all have strengths and struggles with our spouse. Learn to highlight everything that does work in your relationship.

Each of us comes into a relationship loaded with our own baggage. And as partners, you will sometimes have to help carry their load. It’s just the way it works in marriage. For instance, you will have to help manage his depression and he will have to deal with your yo-yo dieting. Give grace for human imperfections.

I talk a lot. A lot. My poor husband has to listen to my many thoughts. I even utter out loud to myself. Women speak nearly three times more than men. The average female uses 20,000 words per day vs. the male sounding in at 3000 words.

I heard this incredible story about a lady who was kidnapped and taken to an ATM by knifepoint. There was no money in her account when they got there. The lady felt she had to explain about her financial woes. She explained to the kidnapper how she had lost her job, bounced two checks, and was having some hard times. Then when she was taken to a secluded area, she started rambling, Oh no, are you going to rape me? I will be emotionally scarred and bring all that baggage into my new relationships. I’ll have to go to therapy and I don’t know if I believe in therapy. All that time thinking and talking about yourself, what is that supposed to do?

Finally, the kidnapper said Pull over and let himself out. When he got out, she couldn’t help but take it personally that he didn’t even want to kidnap her and that maybe a few ex-boyfriends had a point about her being annoying. This woman had literally talked herself out of a kidnapping not to mention several relationships.

I know I too might be a poor kidnap candidate. I simply chat too much. With a slight tilt of his head, Vincent’s face will leave the conversation and I know the party’s over. Body language is a powerful form of communication and one that goes all the way back to a nonverbal society in caveman times. We spoke mainly with our hands back then. So what could it mean today when a man puts his hands in his pocket? It means he doesn’t want to talk. He has put his communicators away. Most men don’t need or want to rehash things. They don’t talk about feelings as much as women would like because they don’t talk as much in general.

Joy Break: Blub, Blub, Blub

I would always try to talk to my husband while I was brushing my teeth. He finally said, I’m sorry, I don’t speak toothbrush.

EVOLVING TOGETHER AS A COUPLE

Don’t try to change each other. When you marry someone, you do so loving him the way he is without the thought of improving him. And two things will happen. First, you will change him simply by co-existing together. You will leave an indelible mark on him. Rub some rough edges off. And secondly, for better or worse, he will change on his own. If you marry in your 20s there is a ton of personal development that happens and by your 40s, you’ve usually become a