Z.E.O.: How to Get A(Head) in Business

INTRODUCTION—

DON’T BE A C.E.O.... BE A Z.E.O.!

There’s a whole wall of business and finance books in this bookstore. Look them over for a second if you haven’t already. Most of the authors have handsome or attractive faces—they sometimes put ’em right on the covers of their books. They’ve got Fortune 500 C.E.O.s. Authors who’ve sat down with Oprah (or at least with Larry King). Former U.S. Army generals and Navy admirals. Hip-hop entrepreneurs. Reality-show winners. All-star athletes, even. And an Australian woman with a secret so simple she only needed fifty other experts to help her explain what it was.

There, at the end of the shelf, an NBA coach wants to tell you how his winning ways on the basketball court can translate to the boardroom. Here, farther down the rack, a retired politician wants to share lessons in excellence he’s culled from a lifetime of shady dealings in Congress. And on the shelf right in front of you, a handsome religious official wants to tell you how improving your relationship with the Lord can improve your financial standing.

But you’re not looking to any of these upstanding, respectable leaders. Instead, you’re looking to zombies—decaying human corpses, reanimated via scientific or magical means, and made to walk the earth and seek the flesh of the living, eating people’s brains, and biting them to create yet more zombies. And while most authors of business advice books are thoughtful and articulate individuals (at least when the ghostwriter is done editing their manuscript), zombies are inarticulate—monosyllabic, if that.

Zombies drool. Zombies smell bad. Zombies are self-centered and violent.

And yet it is to these desiccated, shambling corpses that you have chosen to look for help with your business career.

At this point, all I can say is: Well done!

You’ve found the one that is not like the others. This demonstrates that you already possess the intelligence and acumen needed to discern the most expeditious route to becoming a successful, top-performing leader. You’re drawn to that which is different, and because of this trait, you can expect different results. Better results.

By selecting this book as your guide, you can prepare to achieve a level of business and financial success undreamed of by the other faces smiling down from the business-section bookshelf, however attractive or confident they may appear.

Dear reader, the world of business stands at a crossroads. Recent economic crises have made clear that the current rules and practices governing the marketplace and the boardroom need to be changed, and fast. It is time for a radical shift in the way business is conducted.

This shift will be made possible by the zombie.

You see, in addition to not being zombies, another flaw that most business-book authors share is that they made their fortunes in the twentieth century. We’re a decade into the twenty-first. Doesn’t it stand to reason that new tactics and technologies will be called for in this new age?

The business world is constantly changing, and change brings uncertainty. Far too many C.E.O.s bluff and grasp at straws when called upon to make important decisions about where an industry is headed. Economists are dumbfounded by the reactions of a market that is increasingly unpredictable. Major corporations appear strong one moment and on the brink of collapse the next. Boards of directors survey the business landscape in vain, seeking a leader who can bring stability and growth to their organization.

Into this vacuum, the zombie slouches forward, confident and ready to lead.

Strength. Comforting predictability. Utter decimation of all competitors. A zombie brings all of these qualities to the table. In times of recession, turbulence, and things-being-generally-fucked-up, zombies possess the leadership qualities that businesses need at their helms if they are to persevere and flourish. Everyone knows that zombies keep the malls full, but they also keep the cash registers ringing.

By learning the tactics of the zombie and applying them to the world of business and finance, you can become something greater than any corporate C.E.O. You can become ... a Z.E.O.

Yes, in this brave new century, it is the Zombie Executive Officer who will emerge as the engine driving the world’s most successful corporations and conglomerates. Whether they know it yet or not, every organization will soon want a Z.E.O. in charge. Boards of directors and shareholders alike will demand an executive who leads using the techniques and tactics of a stinking, rotting, brain-eating zombie.

And you, the holder of this tome, are poised to become one of the first to enjoy the benefits of the Z.E.O.’s position.

This manual will systematically enumerate and explain the traits of zombies that can be used to propel your career to the top, to make and keep a business profitable, and to ensure that your personal finances are ready for several rainy days. And, should you desire a swift ascent up the corporate ladder, the second half of this book will provide a quarter-by-quarter guide to going from wherever you are in your current job (mailroom, administrative assistant, visiting adjunct assistant lecturer) to the office of the C.E.O. (Z.E.O.) in the span of a single year.

Is it hard to believe that so much will be possible in only twelve short months? It won’t be once you start seeing the effectiveness of a zombie’s tactics. This book is like nothing you’ve seen before, and following the advice it provides will show benefits beyond any you have previously been able to imagine.

Much like a zombie, the advice in this book will keep surprising you with its resourcefulness, its adaptability, and its power. If you enter this process with an open heart (and brain), then little can come between you and the position of Z.E.O. If you’re ready to put in the time and effort it takes to become like a zombie—in both thought and in action—then arise from the grave, my friend....

Your future is waiting.

SECTION I.

BUSINESS TACTICS OF ZOMBIES

The lessons that can be gleaned from the zombie are diverse and powerful. Some lessons may be entirely new to you, but others may seem eerily familiar. This is because, throughout history, zombies have influenced the leaders and thinkers who have, in turn, influenced the business world. This section will examine several extant business texts, and consider the influence that the walking dead may have had on the authors. Zombies have always represented the indomitable, the strong, and the successful. It is not by chance that so many have patterned themselves after zombies.

The business world is difficult terrain. There’s a reason why it’s described as cutthroat and dog-eat-dog. It is daunting, violent, dangerous, and not for those lacking a spleen. If you’re looking for a guide—for a mentor or partner who can safely conduct you through this difficult wasteland—you need to pick someone who is tough, unstoppable, and maybe just a little insane.

Someone like a zombie.

You need a guide who’s going to shoot straight with you (and who can take a shot). Someone who’s seen tough times, and has always found a way to make it through. Is your boss making you work unpaid overtime? Are workplace politics making you lose sleep over the shaky allegiances you’ve forged? Do you feel your department is under fire for the way it’s bungled a recent project?

Then maybe you need a guide who has actually been under fire. Like from guns. (And "on fire" too, while we’re at it.) You need a guide who has been under attack from all directions for as long as he can remember—but who has found motivation in this fact, and used it to forge ahead, even while inspiring (and creating) others like him.

Trust me, whatever you’re dealing with—a zombie has seen worse. Wherever you want to go, and no matter how daunting and difficult the road leading there looks to be—a zombie has been there and back again, and lived to tell the tale. By incorporating the traits of a zombie into your own life, you can become as dynamic, brave, and unstoppable as any member of the legions of the living dead.

The path to the C.E.O.’s comfy chair is a violent and treacherous one, stained with blood and flesh (delicious, delicious flesh). This is the world you’ve chosen. And zombies, while they didn’t choose to be reanimated (it’s just something that sort of happened to them), are the masters of this gory domain.

From the Monroeville Mall to the Uneeda Storage Facility, zombies naturally gravitate toward centers of commerce and industrial facilities. This is no coincidence. Inside every zombie are the core impulses to harness the power of capitalism and use them to take over.

So carefully study and internalize the lessons in this section of the book. Prepare yourself for a road that will be fraught with danger and intrigue, but which holds great reward for those who traverse it successfully.

Do It Your Way (a Zombie’s Way)

What’s the wrong way or the right way to complete a project?

Is there a universal right way in which work should be done?

Are there objective standards of right, or is there only what’s right for me?

I know. These seem like decadent questions best left to wife-swapping French philosophers, right? But addressing the rightness or wrongness of work approaches is something that happens every day in the business world. Different corporate cultures have different attitudes about how work should be handled. Variations in work culture can be considerable. It can be difficult, especially when you’re new, to get a solid sense of how you should carry out your projects and responsibilities.

But it shouldn’t be.

When you’re given a new project to manage, don’t ask yourself "What’s the right way to do this?" Instead, ask: How would a zombie do it?

A lot of people think zombies approach their tasks lazily or without deep personal investment simply because they move slowly. In fact, zombies could not be more invested in their work. If a zombie moves slowly, it is because its muscles and tendons are rotted away, and attempts at quick locomotion would cause the zombie to come apart entirely. The smallest actions often require supreme effort for a zombie. A zombie lurching awkwardly toward its target may be tantamount to a person with a severe disability walking in spite of it. If a zombie is legless, it crawls. If its eyes have been gouged out, it feels its way forward (arms outstretched and flailing). If it’s nothing but a skull and some spinal cord ... fuck it! It’s still crawling forward like some nightmarish inchworm.

A zombie does not stagger or crawl because it’s some kind of slacker who isn’t invested in what he’s doing. On the contrary, a zombie is so invested that it staggers or crawls despite hardly being able to move. The focus and dedication necessary for this feat are remarkable.

For a zombie, each task it performs (opening a barricaded door, finding a way to circumvent a barbed-wire fence, herding a group of humans into a corner) is really just a subset of a larger task (eating brains). A zombie is a successful leader because it never loses sight of this ultimate goal, and it never compromises (like by eating just part of a brain, or a monkey’s brain if no humans are handy).

When you begin a project with the mind-set of a zombie, you never lose focus on what would constitute a successful outcome. There is no room to compromise. There can be no rolling back the number of deliverables. There is no reassessment of quality-control levels. There is only the goal. You’re out to reach it, 100 percent. Ninety-nine percent is not going to be acceptable.

As you already know, in modern-day business situations your colleagues and associates will often do things wrong, behind schedule, and with less than total dedication. The business-speak term that has evolved to smooth over such failings is expectation management. A vendor might say, We told them we’d have their widgets ready to ship on Tuesday, but it looks like now it’s really going to be Thursday because we suck and fucked up. I’d better make a phone call and manage their expectations. In fact, expectation management has become a skill considered vital in business leaders and covered thoroughly in management training classes. (Managers must be prepared to use it daily on employees who feel they are entitled to raises, better working conditions, and more vacation time.)

With a zombie, expectation management is simply not possible. A zombie wants what it wants (your brain) when it wants it (now). No amount of MBA corporate-speak is going to change that.

So, anyway, here’s the important thing: Zombies don’t compromise, and everybody knows it. Nobody tries to get a zombie to compromise or accept substitutions because a zombie can’t compromise and there are no substitutions for what a zombie wants. Acting like you could manage a zombie’s expectations would be as asinine as it would be suicidal.

It’s not enough for you to just be focused on the successful completion of a project or deliverable. Like a zombie, you also need to project outwardly that no alternative or substitution is acceptable to you. When you do this, your team will begin treating you like a zombie—not a zombie that wants to eat brains, but instead, a zombie that wants business excellence and 100 percent quality.

The uptick in the effectiveness of your collaborative projects will be dramatic and instant. It will get you noticed around the office as that guy/gal who always delivers ... on time and under budget and you’ll be just one more shambling step closer to becoming Z.E.O.

EXCELLENCE

When a project comes together perfectly, when

everyone works together to maximize profits,

or when a human is completely skeletonized,

you’ll know that excellence has been acheived.

Real Power Is Zombie Power

Understanding how power works and how to manipulate it for your own advantage is one of the most important steps to becoming a Z.E.O. And while ancient wisdom questions whether it is better to be respected or feared, as a Z.E.O. it’s possible to be both of these at once. How? Power.

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