A Funeral for My Fat: My Journey to Lay 100 Pounds to Rest

Introduction:

My Best Friend

My best friend and I decided we wanted to lose weight. But working out was too hard for us. We would try, but give up. I thought that running was boring and hurt too much, and I just didn’t have the endurance to do traditional gym workouts. My best friend wanted to, though. It was a constant battle between her wanting to work out and me not liking the discomfort I felt. My best friend could keep going; I’d decide that we would stop.

I turned the focus to food.

Before, we would eat junk food whenever we wanted: fast food, cookies, cake, soda, chips, pizza, corn dogs, frozen burritos, pizza pockets. My friend always ate what I ate, even if she really wanted something else.

I was so tired of being overweight! I hated myself for eating copious amounts of junk food. It was her fault! Why didn’t she stop me? She knew what my goals were, so why was she not making it easier by helping me stay on track?

We were best friends, but we would fight all the time. It typically ended with me telling her how much I hated her and how ugly and worthless she was. The whole time I was verbally ripping her apart, I knew it was my fault I felt this way. But I was so frustrated I had to take it out on her. She didn’t stop me from eating the bad food! And she didn’t make me work harder. So she was to blame too, the way I saw it.

The next day I decided I was no longer going to eat. We were no longer going to eat. She’d complain about how hungry she was. She would constantly ask me when we could eat; I would tell her she was fat. And that she would always be fat if she didn’t stop eating. I hated her. I was glad she was hungry. She should be hungry! It was her fault we were both so fat and ugly.

That whole week, all we ate was a cup of soup and an orange.

I felt fat, tired, and ugly. My friend was fat, tired, and ugly.

One night I found myself crying in my bathroom. I just wanted to be pretty! Why could I not be pretty?! I was so ugly. It wasn’t fair. My friend was there, so I started telling her how disgusting and ugly she was. I was shouting in her face, screaming that she was a failure and no one would ever want to be with someone as hideous as her. She was fat, and I was fat.

She was exhausted, I could see it in her face. She didn’t look healthy, and she looked so sad … I stared at her until I couldn’t take it anymore. I hit her. And as the mirror broke, I could see my best friend staring back at me through all the broken pieces of the mirror, crying with me.

In this life, we are our own best friend. Friends for life. One body, one life, one team.

How crazy would it be if we talked to our friends that way? If we walked around and constantly told them how unattractive they are, how disgusting their stomach and thighs look? Made comments that no one will love them because of their enormous body? Of course we would never talk to our friends that way; if we did, we wouldn’t have many left. If we wouldn’t talk to our friends that way … why do we feel it’s okay to talk to ourselves that way?

When did it become okay to tell yourself how repulsive you are, how you don’t deserve to eat because your body is too disgusting to look at? How you’re not worthy of happiness because your thighs touch when you walk? It sounds crazy, I know! But, sadly, it happens every day. We are guilty of shattering our best friend, destroying our own hopes and dreams because of our self-destructive and negative ways. And when did taking up space become the most repulsive thing that a person could do?!

Dark days happen; storm clouds roll in and bring the worst weather with them. So how can you prepare for that?

With rain comes growth. That rain is what makes us stronger and able to complete the climb to our goals. The rain will come with slippery slopes, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop and build your life in the muddiest rain puddle you find. You can choose to keep moving forward, even on days when you feel gloomy.

Choosing to love yourself is the most powerful tool you will ever have on your journey. Learning to love yourself is the first step in creating the life you want to live. Your self-love will be a driving force on the days when you feel ready to give up and turn back. When you and your body work as a team and you hold each other accountable, you can accomplish anything! When you fuel your body with healthy foods, your body will reward you with endurance to power through those workouts. When you give your body rest days, your body will return the strength to tackle the week. When your body feels good, you feel good. When you treat your body poorly, you won’t walk around feeling like a rock star. I stopped treating my body like a foreign object working against me, and began to treat my body like the best friend it is. And that friend was the person who helped me reach my goals. I would not be the Sharee I am today without the 256-pound Sharee deciding to fight for our goals.

Sure, self-love sounds easy—I mean, how hard can it be to love yourself? But it is challenging, especially in a society where you’re constantly told you need to improve every aspect of your life. From your appearance, the car you drive, and your waist-to-hip ratio, to the technology you use, your job, your relationships, your family, and how you handle stress … nothing is untouched regarding society’s standards of how we can improve our lives and become ideal and socially acceptable people. But that doesn’t mean you have to conform to societal norms or ideals.

The most valuable and important aspect of any healthy life is your ability to love yourself regardless of your flaws. And so what if you’re flawed?! I actually hate using the term flaw, because honestly, welcome to real life, where thighs touch, or don’t touch, and people stare because your legs are stick thin; real life, where skin stretches, arms wiggle when you move them, hips have love handles, back fat is a thing, and one boob is bigger than the other. It’s not a crime to be a real person. It’s not a crime to be thin, and it’s not a crime to take up space. It’s not a crime to be you. And if someone has a problem with that, it says more about them than you.

But again … it’s hard. We are talking about self-love here! We are not talking about running a marathon, climbing Mt. Everest, or performing a triple bypass … We are talking about self-love! This is no easy task (if you did not read that in a sarcastic voice, please reread with a sarcastic tone). But I know that for some people reading this book right now, self-love does seem impossible. Because self-love exists only in fairy tales with perfectly dressed princesses, and where Prince Charming is always there to save the day. Self-love is found in the fields where the unicorns roam free. Self-love is a concept that seems impossible to achieve, because you are like the person in the opening story. You are the girl or boy constantly fighting with the image in the mirror.

When you look in the mirror and are so enraged and disgusted with what you see, you can’t feel anything but hate. You might be big or small; self-love doesn’t waltz through the door for those who are skinny, and it doesn’t leave the room for those who are big. It doesn’t matter what size you are … Self-love is a choice and it’s not one that is easily made. Self-love takes work, just like any relationship. Except in this relationship, no matter how much you hate, degrade, and despise the other person … there is no leaving. You have two options: choose to love yourself and strive to work as a team to accomplish your goals, or choose to hate yourself and spend the entirety of your life struggling with the uphill battle of I will love myself when I’m perfect.

And just in case you decided that you want to take the challenge of the uphill battle, I’m going to give you some advice: There is no end. There is no medal of perfection. There is no self-love waiting for you at the top. You will never be good enough for yourself if you choose the uphill battle. But you will always be good enough for yourself if you choose to work as a team and strive for the best and healthiest version of yourself. I don’t know about you, but I would rather live my life happily than live my life miserably until I’m perfect. But that could just be me.

So what do you do? How do you overcome the cycle of self-loathing, hate, and destruction? Well, I don’t have all the answers. I might be twenty-six years old and oozing with wisdom (haha!), but I don’t have all the answers. What I can share is what worked for me and a method that I used on days when hitting the mirror seemed like a good choice. What I suggest is, write a letter to yourself; something honest about why you’re doing what you’re doing, what you’re fighting for. And read it on days when you feel, I don’t matter, so why even bother?

Dear Sharee,

Take a deep breath. Think about how far you have come. Think about the hours of dedication you have put toward your health. Do you really believe you are a failure? So what if the scale didn’t show anything this time! It’s a stupid lying cow and it will never be on your side! But you know who is on your side? Me.

I am always here for you. I feel your pain, I feel when you’re sad, I feel when you’re so tired that you want to give up. And it’s OKAY to feel that way. It’s okay to be tired. Take a rest day. Call your mom. But don’t you dare think for one moment that you’re useless and haven’t accomplished anything! You set out to change your LIFE, not a pair of socks. Life-changing takes time! You knew when you started that it wouldn’t happen overnight … But it will happen. I know it will.

Sharee, I am always here for you. I will fight with you, cry with you, and burn some calories with you. But please promise me that you will take care of yourself and me. I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to lose you and lose us on this journey. This is not about looks (although it will be nice to rock some crop tops someday), this is about the rest of our life: Being healthy. Feeling that sense of belonging and not worrying about our weight.

Buckle up, it’s going to be a long journey. But you don’t have to do it alone. You have me, God, family, Dre, friends … You’re not alone. You can do this.

Love yourself,

and love always,

Sharee

Write a letter to yourself; use it as an opportunity to explore what you want to accomplish. What are your goals? What life do you want to create? What encouragement will you need along the way? Write it out. And use it. Use it on those days when a big muddy rain puddle is looking like the place where your life is going to stay. Because, as we begin to walk through my journey, you will see that rain puddles happen more than just once. Throughout this book there will be opportunities for you to reflect on your own life and journey. This book highlights my experiences and my downfalls, and my goal is for my story to spark a movement for you and your journey.

1

A Tour to Rock Bottom

Everyone has a turning point. That moment in their life when they realize they want to change. This moment typically happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing. Sometimes it takes us more than once to see how painful our current state is. For some people, their rock bottom is being humiliated in public by strangers commenting on their weight or food consumption. Other individuals’ lowest point is being relentlessly tormented by peers. Some hit their lowest when a significant other leaves them as a result of their weight. Health scares, deteriorating joints, family pressure, spousal encouragement … Everyone has their turning point. That moment when it’s decided that enough is enough. That moment when you’re so low, your only option is to go up.

I had a ledge moment in my life. I didn’t hit rock bottom until after I fell off the ledge. I thought the ledge was my lowest point, but life has a funny way of making sure you really wake up when you need to. My wake-up call, rock bottom, and teenage-life-shattering moment happened after I started my weight-loss journey. I had already begun the hike up great Mt. Weight Loss, when I became overconfident, stepped too close to the edge, and plummeted to the rocks.

The first day of school was quickly approaching. My senior year of high school. I couldn’t believe that in 180 days I would officially be done with high school! One of the best things about a new school year is the new-clothes shopping. Every school year I would go shopping with my mom and get to purchase new clothes, book bags, shoes, and school supplies. My mom and I arrived at the mall and made our way inside. As we shopped at various clothing stores … a trend began to develop. Clothing stores that my friends shopped at didn’t have my size. I was seventeen years old and a size twenty.

After becoming frustrated with all the stores, my mom saw a store that had some larger-looking women displayed at the front. We went inside and I found a whole store that had clothing in my size—in fact, they didn’t carry anything smaller than a twelve. My mom grabbed some jeans for me and I picked a few shirts and went back to the dressing room. I put a pair of jeans and a shirt on and then called my mom to come give her opinion on how I looked.

When my mom walked into the dressing room, I burst into tears. My mom burst into tears too. The whole day was emotionally draining. Store after store, and still nothing would fit. I was seventeen years old and the only place that had jeans large enough was a plus-size clothing store for adult women.

Between the tears I said, Mom, I don’t want to buy old-lady clothes.

And we both sat and cried in the dressing room.

That was my ledge moment, crying in the dressing room with my mom while shopping for my senior-year wardrobe. That moment was not only hard on me, but it was tough for my mom. Her heart broke to see me absolutely crushed and frustrated about my weight. To see her daughter, whom she knew was lovely inside and out, be so emotionally drained, frustrated, and discouraged. A few days later, my mom approached me with the idea of us joining a weight-loss program that met on a weekly basis and had loads of materials to help you be successful.

Before I continue, let me tell you about my mom. She is 5'2½", petite, and thin. She’s been a fitness addict for years and even taught fitness classes through all three of her pregnancies. My mom is gorgeous, outgoing, smart, and incredibly fit. My dad is active, handsome, and exceptionally smart. He’s a pilot, so we’re talking genius IQ levels. Gene pool selection-wise, I was granted top-notch opportunities. This explains my sister—tall, platinum blond hair, ginormous blue eyes, naturally thin. And my brother: tall, tan, handsome, and blessed with the typical teenage-boy metabolism. I was an anomaly even within my own family.

So my mom approached me with the idea of us joining this weight-loss program. There was a meeting group not too far from our house. I didn’t know much about the program, but I was willing to try anything at this point. My mom wanted to support me, and she had a stubborn five pounds that she had been trying to lose. So me with my hundred-plus pounds to lose and my mom with her stubborn five pounds walked into our first weight-loss-program meeting.

I was nervous about going. I wasn’t sure what to expect. What do people who want to lose weight even talk about? We walked in, found a couple of seats, and sat down. A few people introduced themselves to us and asked how we were doing. Within a few minutes this bright and cheery woman walked to the front and started the meeting.

The meeting began with individuals sharing their weekly accomplishments; some were weight-loss related and others were fitness accomplishments. The atmosphere was full of positivity and support. As more people shared their mini-stories, I looked around the room and saw a thin, petite woman sitting in one of the chairs. She had extremely long hair that reached mid-thigh and was wearing an oversized white T-shirt. She stood out to me because she was so small. I thought to myself, How could a woman that small possibly need to lose any weight?

Throughout the meeting, I kept looking over and thinking about why she was attending a weight-loss-program meeting. She was so small. When there were ten minutes left in the meeting, the woman leading the gathering shared that a member was receiving a special award today. She explained that the award was the lifetime member achievement award, which is presented to individuals who not only reach their goal weight, but also maintain it for a specific amount of time. Before the name was announced, she shared that this individual had lost over one hundred pounds and was even wearing a shirt to show their before picture. She announced the name, and the thin woman with the really long hair walked to the front to collect her award.

My mouth dropped—how could she have lost one hundred pounds?! She was asked to describe how she felt before her weight loss compared to how she felt after. She shared a story I would never forget. It was her turning point, her rock bottom.

One morning she was at a doughnut shop picking up goodies for her co-workers, and while she was walking away, she overheard a group of men say, Wow, I hope she left some doughnuts for everyone else. And they began mocking her weight. That was her turning point. She went on to lose over one hundred pounds and now wears a shirt with her before picture on it.

The meeting ended with me feeling in awe and that I could accomplish the same thing she did. Weight loss didn’t seem so daunting after sitting in a room full of people who accomplished it every day. I was excited to join. After the meeting concluded, my mom and I went straight to the grocery store. When we completed our registration for the program we received a bunch of materials to help guide the jump-start weight-loss process. We used the sample grocery list that was provided for our shopping overhaul. We probably had more fun at the grocery store than two people should. But we were so excited. For once I actually felt that I could lose the weight. I could reach my goals. I could look like my mom and my sister. My mom felt it too. I knew she could sense that we had possibly just found the key to my success. We had found the program that was going to help me reach my goals and lose weight. The surge of positive energy fueled our shopping trip. We looked for all the items that were on the list at the grocery store, and we laughed the entire time.

When we got home, we prepackaged all the food and wrote on the outside the servings of each. It seemed so easy. I knew exactly how much I needed to eat every day and all the food was prepared and easily accessible. I just had to grab and go. No more wondering what I needed to eat and feeling guilty for fast-food splurges. I had everything I needed: the food, the materials, the support-group meetings, and my amazing parents. I attended the weekly meetings and the weight slowly began coming off. After two months I had lost eleven pounds. I felt accomplished and proud of myself. I had finally figured out this weight-loss thing. I had the tools, confidence, and attitude to reach my ultimate goal weight. I was down eleven pounds and felt incredible.

Over the next few weeks, my attendance started to decrease, and by month three, I was no longer attending the meetings. I didn’t need the meetings anymore; I had lost eleven pounds. Clearly, I had cracked the code of weight loss and was well on my way to prancing around on the beach in an itty-bitty bikini. Weight loss was now a part of me. I understood what I needed to do to reach my goals. It was no longer challenging … so I believed that I did not need to put forth the same amount of effort. My body was in weight-loss mode, so I could sit back, relax, and enjoy the weight-loss easy-life process. This whole weight-loss thing, I had mastered it.

I was tiptoeing closer and closer to the ledge, the ledge that was going to send me plummeting to the rocks below. I was creeping closer to my lowest point, and I had no idea. Inflated egos will do that to you, cloud your perception and impair your judgment. Down eleven pounds and I was on top of the world; I could do no wrong. I could reach all my goals and destroy any obstacle that stood in my way. Weight loss was not hard. At least I thought it wasn’t.

Eventually, I had to face the consequences of my immaturity. But the extent of my consequnces was yet to be determined. My mom and I sat in the car in silence until I turned to her and said, Mom … I’m nervous. I don’t want to see the scale and I don’t want to see anybody at this meeting.

I know, honey, she said, but this is the first step to getting back on track. I’m nervous too.

I rolled my eyes. Nervous about what? I said to myself. You’re small, always have been small, and you lose weight just thinking about losing weight! The frustration inside me grew. And the anxiety building up inside me was in overdrive. I felt knots in my stomach and wanted to just cry and curl up in a ball away from the world. I wanted to be anywhere else in the world than waiting in the parking lot outside the weight-loss-program building.

I was frustrated with myself. How could I be in this position again? Dreading the scale, dreading walking into a meeting, dreading seeing the people who knew I was on a mission to lose weight. I got out of the car, and with my mom a few steps behind me, we walked inside to the program meeting.

I felt like everyone’s eyes were on me. Judging me. Asking themselves why I hadn’t attended a meeting in so long, when clearly, I had so much weight to lose. Trying to guess how much weight I had gained, in their minds. I kept my head down and tried to avoid eye contact. My face felt red with embarrassment and shame. I hated this feeling. I hated this moment. I wanted to bury my face in humiliation.

It was my turn to weigh in. I took off my jacket and shoes, exhaled, and stepped on the scale. The woman in charge of members’ intake wrote down my stats and didn’t say anything. She just handed the measurement booklet to me and told us to have a great meeting. My mom and I walked to some empty seats and sat down. I opened up my measurement booklet and tears flooded my eyes. I closed the book and hung my head.

The meeting started, and though I