The Kingdom of Fire and Fury: A Fairy Tale About Guns and Silly Politics

~Chapter 1~

The Kingdom, The Hunter and His Black Unicorn

Life is a dream for the wise,  a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor.

—Sholom Aleichem

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far far away from our reality... or perhaps it wasn’t and who cares right? The kingdom is called Murica, a kingdom with a formidable military might. but the economy is like an old train stuck in a broken railroad.

The kingdom itself is ruled by a king, but the king itself is subject to the rule of an emperor who controls multiple kingdoms. Murica is using an elective monarch system, as a new king must be elected every 4 years, in other words anyone can become a king, and that includes the uneducated beggars from the street corners or that drunken idiot that always slept outside the Inn which is owned by a gay dwarf. And yes, a king can be replaced by a queen.

And now the year has come when a new ruler must be elected.

And there was this guy who lived somewhere in an outskirt of this kingdom, a veteran hunter and an immigrant to this kingdom, his name was Dickie Cowbell. And he lived in a small cottage by the lake. 

The cottage was pretty much surrounded by maple trees. While enchanted creatures can be found everywhere around the nearby forest, these includes the flying bunnies with feather ears and pink hairy elephants that jogs around the woods while wasting their time chasing the butterflies...

On one fine sunny day, Dickie Cowbell woke up from his cozy comfy bed. He yawns and stretching his arms. He got up from his bed, scratching his back and said hello to his bathroom.

While inside the bathroom, he looked at a broken mirror, rubbing his eyes, removing all the eye gunk and taking a long pee.

Chirp chirp, tweet tweet. says the bluebirds on the roof, as they love to tweet their morning messages to the world like Donald Trump. Even inside the house you can hear the non-stop tweeting sounds of the birds, as if they were spamming their morning messages to everyone.

The windows are opened, and the warm light from the sun are shining through the windows like a golden spotlight.

After Dickie walked out from his bathroom, an aroma of a yummy breakfast meal squeezes through his nose.

The aroma was so good that Dickie was drooling like a pervert fantasizing on a naked woman.

In a flash, Dickie stormed the dining room like a hungry coyote.

And there he saw a complete set of breakfast meal that consist of banana cheese bread, some chocolate cookies and a cup of coffee that was waiting for him.

While Dickie was about to eat, he saw a note on the table that reads I delivered your breakfast meal, but I saw you were still sleeping without your pants on, so I left, but wished to remind you that you still owe me 15 gold, but if you don’t have enough money to pay me, Then I have more task for you to complete, so you can have more meals from me. –Belle the little fairy-

Dickie Cowbell quickly finished his breakfast, takes a quick bath, and ready his hunting gears. These includes two short swords, a steampunk style handgun and a sexy leather armor.

Dickie Cowbell parents died a few years ago, but his parents left him a small fortune. This cottage and a beautiful black unicorn to be his pet companion.

Black unicorns are rare, and they are expensive on the market, rich folks in town wish to buy and auction his unicorn for a huge fortune, but Dickie refused to sell her, but why would he? The unicorn has the ability to heal his wounds, she also runs faster than any horses, and last but not the least, the black unicorn can actually talk like a human and Dickie always treated her like a member of the family. 

The black unicorn was named Tiffany. 

Dickie leave the house and approached his stable, he saw his unicorn and greeted her Good Morning Tiffany.

Yo! You finally woke up you sleepyhead, the black unicorn replied you don’t normally woke up this late, and I saw you on the window this morning and you slept like the dead, and I thought you’re already dead. What’s up with you?

Well yeah, It’s already after midnight before I went to bed and didn’t you just witness me trying to take down a rainbow bat last night? Did you know that thing can worth a good fortune? if only I happened to get one...

And you failed to get one. Look Dick! You are a daylight hunter, not a midnight shooter. You are not trained to hunt down the creatures of the night, especially something that can fly.

Tiffany pointing her foot to Dickie and said if your mama were still alive, she would have smack your ass back to the kitchen for staying out that late, and you’re lucky I’m watching your back!

Oh come on Tiff, are you still treating me like a little boy? I am a grown man now you see? Dickie replied while proudly showing his body muscles to Tiffany besides, I think it’s really worth the try, and this is the first time we ever spot a rainbow bat in this region.  And the market has a very good price for it.

Tiffany pointing her foot to Dickie You know... I heard you snoring last night and you sounded funny.

Me snoring funny? really?

Ah ha ha ha yes, you sounded like a tied up boar ready to be barbecue and it was so loud that I have to move away from my stable and slept beside that rock over there.

Dickie glared at the unicorn straight in the eyes with both of his hands crossed together very funny unicorn..., you seems to enjoy making fun of me.

Oh come on Dick,  I was just kidding and how about let’s hit the road now, I’m pretty sure we got some more hunting to do. The black unicorn turns while galloping around the stable. I talked to Belle this morning, she said something about taking down some Rat-man in the forest.

Yeah I know, we should be moving out soon Dickie gathered all the necessary equipment inside the stable as he prepared to tack up his unicorn, he starts grooming his unicorn by brushing her skin, even though the unicorn itself is pretty much clean by nature.

And he placed the saddle on back of the unicorn, and tightening up the grit.

Hey Dick, I think one day you should learned how to ride on me without these saddle

Why is that?

It will be more convenient for both of us, I run twice faster than any horse and you should just grab my hair without any of these stupid bridle

Oh yeah? I’ll think about it Dickie replied.

Be a man, and don’t be a puss, and with more practice, you should be able to ride on me without falling and without all these crappy horse equipment.

Dickie rides on his black unicorn and ready to leave. They moved closer to the mailbox that was attached to a huge tree which was just outside the house.

Dickie checked the mail and saw a note of list of things to hunt. He picks up the newspaper. And he reads the news while reminding him that there will be an election by tomorrow. 

Newspaper headlines as written "Will We Have A New King Or Queen? Will You Choose The Witch Or The Wacko? Don’t forget to vote tomorrow, the future of this kingdom is in your hands, or at least it should be...."

Some other news Hill Giant’s Fart Killed Thousands of Bees, Honey Price Expected to Rise. A Dwarf Gone Mad, He Ate his Hammer. Cow lost their job as milk price drops.

Hey, are we going to attend the election by tomorrow? Tiffany asked.

I’m not sure, I don’t even know whom to elect or who these candidates are. Dickie replied.

There are 2 of them, one was a wizard named Bonald Trump, he is member of the republican party, and the other one was a sorceress named Shillary, a member of the democrat party.

Tiffany look back slightly at Dickie and said Damn it Dick, I probably knew more about the government rather than you, and I’m a freaking unicorn.

Yeah whatever... Now let’s move!

Dickie and his black unicorn charged straight into the forest.

~Chapter 2~

Hunting Time

Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life.

—Confucius

Th e forest are more than just trees, there are bushes and giant mushrooms everywhere. Getting lost around the forest is easy and running isn’t always possible, but the unicorn is familiar with the surroundings and she knew all the shortcuts that even Dickie can’t remember.  She knew where to run and where to hide.  The unicorn can also track down all sorts of creatures through her enhance smell and hearing.

The black unicorn stops running and start looking around and said I can smell those vermin, the rats are near. And there must be at least 10 of them.

Dickie draw and ready his steampunk handgun. A revolver that can fire up to 6 shots before reloading.

Tiffany continued running and suddenly make a huge leap through a crowded bush and...

There! About 10 of them, their smell can’t run away from my nose, since they all stink like s**t, I need to sneeze... hachoo!!

Rat-man are a large humanoid rat-creature that are mostly inhabit the underground world. They wear clothes, carry weapons and they have some form of intelligence, except that they are barbaric in nature and considered to be a malevolent race. They sometimes appeared on the surface to hunt and pillage surface creatures. And so thus, the surface creatures hates them.

Dickie quickly aimed his handgun, he pulled the trigger and continuously firing six rounds while his left hand continuously hitting the hammer on the revolver.

In just a few seconds, 5 Rat-man fall dead all got hit on the head.

Dickie twirl the revolver around his finger before holstering his gun and went down from his saddle.

Did you killed 6 of them? Tiffany asked

No, just 5 of them, I missed 1 Dickie replied.

Woah, you’re getting good at this. Nice shooting.

"Not hard to hit, they are not as agile as a