Animals with Issues

Animals with Issues

Copyright © 2015 by Bill Runyan

Smashwords Edition

All Rights Reserved

Cover artwork created by Monica Haynes

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Preface

The Trial

Betrayal

The Great Escape

Art Appreciation

My Trip to Tokyo: A Personal Memoir

Death of a Salesman

Rehab

Retribution

Dance Fever

Phil

The Duel

Gourmets of the Savannah

Nancy

A Dysfunctional Relationship

Holy War

Doppelganger

The Contender

Scout

The Comeback

The Architect

Wisdom

Bullies

Foster Care

A Clash of Philosophies

Epilogue

Preface

In the course of my life, I have been confronted with many difficult philosophical questions such as Does God exist? What is the meaning of life? When did you get out of prison? I never seem to have answers for these perplexing queries, at least not sober. But in philosophy, are not the questions ultimately more important than the answers? And if there were answers, wouldn’t they be in the back of the book?

You won’t find the answers in the back of this book, but what you will find are moving stories of individuals wrestling with the trials and tribulations of the human condition. It is particularly tough for these characters because, except for a couple of exceptionally disturbed personages, they are not human. They are animals. It’s not even obvious what kind of animals they are, but fear not. Each story ends either by giving you a strong hint or has links you can click on that will take you to place(s) on the internet featuring the animal(s) in question.

Please note: This book is not suitable for children. It wasn’t written for children; not even evil little children like you see in horror movies; so, don’t read them to your offspring. It may give them nightmares, and they could be in therapy for years. I’m not paying for your kid’s therapy, so don’t even ask.

While not family friendly, this charming collection of short stories is suitable for adults with attention deficit disorder because the stories are short and you don’t have to read them in any particular order. It is also good for a drinking game where you try to guess what the animal is and you have to take a drink if you get it wrong. If nothing else, there are links to YouTube videos that will keep you amused and you won’t get arrested for drunken driving if you are kept busy watching videos until you sober up. Consider this work my contribution to public safety.

Table of Contents

The Trial

So finally, my time has come. They’ve brought me in to face my inquisitors in a cage, in a cage mind you, like I am some wild animal. What are they so afraid of? Cowards! So, there they stand in a circle around me, all dressed in white. Do they think they are angels? Blasphemous bastards! So now they sit in judgment of me, me! I can scarcely believe it. These overfed excuses of humanity. These meat puppets are now going to judge me. Judge me and for what? For eating a little extra food, I suppose. Times are tough.

So, I found a sack of grain in storage. Yes, it wasn’t part of my rations, but the bag was open. It would have been ruined by rain or ransacked by vermin if it weren’t for me. Or worse it could have gone bad, gotten some fungal infestation and someone could have eaten it and died. Why it could have been contaminated already. I was risking my life for the community. Yes, it was an heroic act. I’m a hero damn it! Aren’t you listening? Are you deaf as well as ignorant? What is wrong with you people? Why do you stand around pointing and talking amongst yourselves? What kind of trial is this? What kind of kangaroo court is this? Where is my lawyer? I demand representation by counsel this minute! This minute, do you hear?! But I can see you don’t hear. My pleas and exhortations have fallen on deaf ears.

But now my cage is wheeled away. I’m being taken outside, at last into the sunshine. I’m going to be set free. They must have realized it was all a horrible mistake and were too humiliated to talk to me. Well, that’s alright. Mistakes do happen. I’m not one to hold grudges. I can be magnanimous. I’m just that sort you know.

I’m taken out of the cage and put on a platform. Oh, nice view from here. If someone could direct me back home, I’ll be on my way. What’s this? Now I’m being held. My neck is pressed to the platform. Is that an ax?! No! No!

The head chef at the Epicure addressed the others, That last bird squawked way too much. He disturbed the patrons. Next Thanksgiving, we’ll inspect the turkeys outside.

Table of Contents

Betrayal

I hate this reality show. I’ve been here so long I can’t even remember signing up for it. Getting old, I guess. Yes, I hated and still hate this show. I hate the noisy neighbors and the complete lack of privacy, but I at least had Wzui. Such a silly name, but that just made him even more adorable to me. Then you took him away from me. Yes, I blame you, all of you sick twisted voyeurs that had to watch us every minute of every day. The only time we could get even a modicum of peace was in the evening when you all leave to sleep or gawk at someone else, or whatever it is you do. No matter.

So that was the time of day that I decided to strike, to strike her, that foul temptress, the one who lured my beloved away from me. At first, there was just a coy look now and then. Yes, just a glance here and there, occasionally followed by the most casual caress. As time wore on, she became increasingly bold. The casual caresses turned to passionate embraces and when she wandered off with him behind the rocks, did they think I didn’t know what they were doing?

Oh yes, I bided my time. I know this is just a show for you. You people brought her in just to stir things up. I knew that and thought that soon you’d grow bored with her sordid displays and take her out, or us out. I thought that you wouldn’t leave things as they were. Would you destroy a family for entertainment? I thought surely not. Little did I know the depths of your depravity. You would do anything to be amused, and your amusements are always of the basest sort. Drastic action became necessary, so I took it.

It was on a lovely evening in early fall that I made my move, an evening when love was in the air or should have been, love between him and me. Yes, I loved him still, even though he had succumbed to the charms of that bestial beauty, that salacious slut, that...well I run out of words to verbalize my disgust, but I digress. I crept slowly, oh so slowly to where she was sleeping. My intention was to choke the life out of her, but no, I couldn’t, not from any second thoughts or lack of courage. I didn’t choke her because her neck was covered, shielded by the head of he who had once been my one true love, the one that was now sleeping by her side.

Then suddenly it all became clear. She was not the one that needed to die; it was the one that had betrayed me; the one that had left my side and snuck off in the middle of the night to be with that vixen. Well, their little affair was going to come to an abrupt end.

I struck suddenly and without mercy, he struggled, but I hung on tight, choking the life out of my faithless fiancé until I felt his body go limp. Only then did I let go. And she, what did she do you might ask as I was giving him his just rewards? Well, she never even woke up. So, do what you want with me. Without him, my life is over. You sick freaks!

Jealousy

Table of Contents

The Great Escape

I was growing tired of dirt. I was covered with it. I’m an aviator, not an excavator, but I had volunteered for this, so I continued to dig without complaint, except to myself. We were good at this, even though it didn’t come naturally. Luckily, we had good direction from some army engineers who were captured before we got here. They called themselves the Cunicularia, egg heads all. I did wonder if they were so smart, how did they get caught in the first place?

I did have to admit; they supervised us well. We worked as a team. Everyone had a job, and they knew how to do it. Some of us dug, and some of us carried the dirt out of the tunnel. Still more of us scattered the dirt in such a way that the guards didn’t see what we were doing.

We’d been digging for over a week now. The last two tunnels had hit a wall; maybe this one would be different. It wasn’t. Once again, we had been stymied in our progress. Our captors were most clever. Had they surrounded the whole camp with concrete down to the bedrock? Looked like it. Captain Gannet was not going to be happy about this, but someone had to tell him. We drew straws to determine who was to do this potentially unpleasant task. I drew the short straw so that someone was me.

I walked in on the captain during a meeting. I was going to back out before he could see me, but I was too late.

What is it Peck? growled the Captain.

Bad news, sir, I reported.

I hate to tell you this Captain, but…

Out with it.

The tunnel has hit a wall. We can’t go any further.

The captain