Just Plain Funny Quotes - This Is Not A Poetry Book
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About this ebook
"The Day I Met Charles Bukowski And Other Stories...:" I realized what I'd thought at first was a man was actually: A very stocky woman with short hair who'd forgotten to shave.
Firstly, check my website out for a free copy instead - otherwise: In a world that can be devoid of inspiration comes a remarkably inexpensive - it's only .99c - and witty volume of amusing quotations and scenes delivered straight to your phone.
In it you will find: Profound, elegant and often hilariously poignant quotes reflecting the range of the human condition and blah, blah, blah - look, let's just get this out of the way, there are NO dirty pictures, okay…?
Now, where was I? Let's see "...Quotes, inexpensive and witty, no dirty pictures, delivers to the phone..." - Ah…! Just Plain Funny Quotes - This Is Not A Poetry Book" book can be kept next to you on your desk (although it's on your phone - duh, stupid, stupid, stupid e-book technology!) and, therefore, you can also keep it in your pocket or handbag or wherever for whenever you need: Wit, deep insight and just plain common sense quotes…!
Some of the quotes you'll find inside:
"It's been my sole experience: Life's the balance between one's expectations and the budget available. And I'm on a tight budget both financially and emotionally."
*"I wouldn't say I hate my job and my life. But if I had to choose, we'll, it would be a pretty fine line and so indiscernible I easily wander over the border between the two and back again without ever being fully aware of the transgression."
*"The only difference between being 18 and having nothing is being 41 and knowing I've nothing and trying to do something about it."
He said: "I have hundreds of thousands of dollars! Millions! How can you compete with that…!"
"I've nothing – how can you compete with that?" I said.
*"Quite a standard reaction, typically, when in a relationship, I become completely unreliable within a very short space of time."
*"It Was Supposed To Be Free, But Amazon Said .99c Was Free Enough...!"
*And plenty more (this is not a quote from the book)…!
"Just Plain Funny Quotes - This Is Not A Poetry Book" - GET IT NOW!
________________________
Dear Reader,
If you enjoy the humor and references often used by writers such as Charles Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson, Jack Kerouac, John Irving's earlier stuff, Ken Keysey, JD Salinger, Tom Robbins, Dan Fante, maybe even John Fante, J.G. Ballard, Chuck Palahniuk, Will Self, Dennis Cooper, Martin Amis, Anne Sexton, Jay McInerney and others, if you enjoy funny writers, writers with an edge, writers who are politically incorrect, writers who don't take their literary "masterpieces" too seriously, writers who can laugh at themselves, then this is for you.
*Check my website out for a free copy instead
Thanks for taking the time to read this,
Chassis Albuquerque
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Just Plain Funny Quotes - This Is Not A Poetry Book - Chassis Albuquerque
1
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I'd remained emotionally detached listening to him berate and threaten his drunk 12 year old son.
Most men do.
There was nothing to be gained becoming hysterical and acting irrationally.
*Conversation witnessed between a family of property moguls and their son - Albuquerque was training as an accountant, a job he quickly resigned from.
2
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It was from Shimansky I'd learned a curious Polish tradition: Putting your child in the washing machine to improve and correct their attitude - depending on the severity of the misbehavior this determined the number of spins and type of cycle: Delicate, Regular, Half-load, Express, Wool - RINSE.
*There is no such Polish expression - Albuquerque knows a lot of Polish people and, though he made this up, feels strongly that it should be a Polish expression.
3
*
This is what life in a fit of rage has handed me - nothing.
*2009 - The recession (another one) had just begun setting in, From Albuquerque’s notes and essays, A reflection On Life.
4
*
Life had done me few favors and, for warmth, so-called "austerity" had long ago decided to permanently drape its rough, ugly blanket over me.
*2009 - The recession continues unabated and prices of goods increase all round. Albuquerque gripes he’s never had to pay so much for a stripper…
5
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Terrible language, I know, but Shimansky was the worst kind of colossal, stinky, selfish cunt possible.
Normally I don't mind cunt - hairy cunt, smooth cunt, black cunt, pistachio cunt - you know what pistachio cunt is…?
The pistachio's a type of cashew, but the pistachio had nothing on Shimansky.
Shimansky was a conglomerate cunt.
*For the record, Albuquerque states he has nothing against any type of nut
**Shimansky
- a diabolical character based on a real diamond dealer the Albuquerque family had the misfortune to cross paths with
6
*
I had him cornered, like a rat.
And he was a rat, a very particular kind of rat.
And the thing about rats is they have no morals.
*An unfortunate altercation with a former employer
7
*
I’m not saying I’m a socialist or a communist.
I mean I enjoy sex and fucking – that’s why people worked, because of sex and fucking.
*As a rule, Albuquerque will only find employment anywhere that is against the flow of traffic - according to him this saves on journey-time because he is not having to deal with rush-hour traffic in and out of the city
8
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She’d a beautifully shaped head and a body to match.
And she could actually type, accurate and fast.
Sometimes in life that's all you needed to be: Pretty and an exceptional typist.
Let me tell you, for a guy like Shimansky - who was all about detail - a fast, accurate typist was probably like a blowjob.
*Albuquerque is an okay typist
**It is unclear who the typist is based upon and is - probably - an amalgamation of people
9
*
I need this typed up and printed out. And make sure that asshole reads it,
I told her.
Which asshole…?
she asked and I looked at her. "I’m not a moron, you know, you’re all assholes to me…!"
*A referral to an essay written by Albuquerque entitled: "Nominal Proportionate Salary Compensation" that he sent to corporate headquarters
**He never received a reply
10
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Even if she was only just 17, sometimes a woman can be so busy they forget to have a sense of humor and can't remember even how beautiful they used to feel and all that remains is the marching band smile of several