Itech-nically Said That

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

TLAC: Thanks for putting up with my late night grammar questions and always having my back. Your friendship and support has gotten me through the toughest times. I appreciate you because together we root for the underdog and take life by the balls.

Mom: Words can’t describe the love and appreciation I have for you. Thank you for believing in me and always allowing me to express myself. I wouldn’t be the weirdo I am today without your unconditional support.

To my friends who have supported me throughout this journey: Thank you. Your unintended humor has helped me through this writing process, but I’m mostly thankful that you guys are way screwier than I am – which gave me great writing material to be able to finish this book! Drinks are on me.

To my fur babies, Lulu, Apple and Frankie: Thank you for being patient with me and constantly reminding me that the pee-pee pad is covered in shit… and for those long days and nights, while I was busy writing, that you kept yourselves entertained by chewing the most-expensive shoes in my closet.

INTRODUCTION

iTECH-NICALLY SAID THAT

They say actors are bipolar and writers have deep-rooted issues.

Hi. I’m Kimber, and I’m a writer.

Okay, I wouldn’t say that I have deep-rooted issues per se, but I do come with a lot of layers.

As a child, and into my adulthood, I never really excelled at one thing; I was just mediocre at most things. In my defense, that makes me good at a lot of things – doesn’t it?!

I’m one of those unlucky individuals who have to work super hard at everything in order to excel in life.

Math was not my strongest subject; neither were social settings and making new friends, so naturally I was drawn to writing. Writing never judged or boasted, and I was able to write a whole bunch of crap that seemed intellectual for my age, and feel good about it.

I started writing at very young age. It was my escape. I kept a journal in grade school and a personal log throughout my adult years.

The first bad word I learned how to spell was sex, and it was only because I heard it on TV and thought, Oooh, that’s a bad one! So I took it upon myself to learn how to spell it so that I could show my classmates.

S-E-C-T-S. I remember writing it on my wooden toy box alongside all the other misspelled words, thinking, Oh my, Ma is going to lose her mind when she sees this, but it’s SO FUNNY! Each day sects was sitting there in blue marker – and not a peep from Mum (obviously).

I believe that was the beginning of a life-long journey of potty-mouth behavior and forever getting smacked with Asian slippers. On a side note, a recent article published in the journal Language Sciences confirms that, as F-bomb droppers like myself have always known, swearing isn’t a mental crutch – it’s a sign of verbal intelligence.

iTECH-NICALLY SAID THAT is not only an informative book about technology and the latest gadgets, but it is a reflection of who I am: sarcastic, and full of brazen swear words and sexual innuendoes. Sit back and enjoy all the idioms you’re about to read, because you’re in for a big surprise!

ABOUT | iAMKIMBERWOODS

OH HAI!

I intrigued you enough that you wanted to get to know me, eh? (I’m Canadian, by the way.)

Well, I’m Kimber, and I’m Asian, so it was only natural for me to start a tech blog, which inevitably resulted in a tech book. I figured it was my duty to show my Asian community that I can hang with the gang – and by gang, I mean all 1.3 billion of us geniuses.

After two decades of soul searching, I felt a sudden urge to learn something, since I spent the first 10 years of my life eating sand in the school yard (testing it out for electro-osmosis, of course), Mom was proud.

All joking aside, I became interested in tech at the early age of 13. I saved up enough money to buy my first pager. However, the only person paging me was my best friend Holly, who had coincidentally bought one too. I remember sitting at home on a school night, sending each other numeric messages – these were the caveman days of text messaging – like 07734 (HELLO) or 55378008 (BOOBLESS). That was a popular one.

The first time I was ever exposed to a mobile phone was when I was about eight years old. My super-duper-cool Dad bought one of those massive brick portable cellphones that came with a telephone pole and all. We had it set up in our family van. I don’t think he ever used it once. I used to stare at it in the back seat of our six-seater, wondering if it would do something cool, like transform into a machine or start shooting at things. It never happened.

Technology will continue to play a meaningful role in my life, mainly because without it I’d likely be stranded in the middle of nowhere kicking dirt because my sense of direction is so bad, plus Google maps is life. But also because technology serves a variety of functions in our modern day society and without it; life as we know it, will cease to exist.

To end this note, I would like to say thank you for using your hard-earned cash to buy my book. Your support means a lot!

Sincerely,

Kimber Woods

IN LOVING MEMORY OF APPLE

CONTENTS

STRANGERS HAVE THE BEST CANDY

SUGAR RUSH: KIMBER’S TOP APP PICKS

INVISIBLE BOYFRIEND

RAYA

PERISCOPE

BINDER

SECRETS

SEND ME TO HEAVEN

SIT OR SQUAT

LOOK FOR

iFRENCHKISS

I AM IMPORTANT

HOLD ON!

PIMPLE POPPER

POOPLOG

VUVUZELA WORLD CUP HORN PLUS

HOW TALL

PHARMACY OF THE FUTURE

TALK NERDY TO ME

TALK NERDY TO ME

LIFE WENT THAT WAY

MY DRIVING SKILLS ARE NOT A REFLECTION OF WHO I AM

WHY YOU SHOULD DATE A GEEK

VOTE GEEK!

SEXTING: THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE VERY UGLY

THIS COULD BE HARD TO SWALLOW

THE AMISH

CLOTHING OPTIONAL

SUCCESS HAS MANY FATHERS; FAILURE HAS ONE

FATAL ATTRACTION

I’M SORRY, SIR, BUT I THINK YOU HAVE ELEPHANTITIS BALLS

EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED MUCH?

YOU MAY BE BETTER OFF DATING A ROBOT

HOUSEHOLD AND PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

HOME IS WHERE THE ALCOHOL IS

THIS IS NOT BIG FOOT

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE YOUR ROBOTS

MiP

WILL WORK FOR BATTERY CHARGE

THE AUGMENTED HUMAN

WEIRD SCIENCE

THE COMPUTER STORE

THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

CAN YOU SPEAK LOUDER?

I’LL HAVE A SIDE OF CRISPR

WRECKING BALL

ORIGAMI BOT

YEAR OF THE MONKEY

YOUR BODY IS A TEMPLE…

SILKWORMS: A LAP OF LUXURY

YOUR HEART IS AS GOOD AS YOUR SPINACH

I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT

Attack of the Rubber Prostitute

HUMAI

HOW HUMAI WORKS

GPS SHOES FOR GRANDPA

SPY-BRATOR

FRIEND OR FOE?

GO-GO GRANDPA

NO NEW FRIENDS

RADIOACTIVE

LET THERE BE LIGHT

THE CAT WHISPERER

YOUR MEALWORM AWAITS

FLOATING FARMS

FEAR OF THE SELFIE ELBOW

#TBT: TECHNOLOGY THAT MADE A COMEBACK

KIM AND THE HOLOGRAMS

IN LIVING COLOR

HOW TO MEND A BROKEN HEART

DON’T JUDGE ME, JUDGE LITHIUM-ION

UTRON, ITRON, WE ALL TRON TOGETHER!

AM I PREGNANT? NAH, GIRL… YOU JUST SMOKE TOO MUCH WEED

DEATH TO THE ’80S BARBIE

WORLD’S LARGEST AIR PURIFIER TAKES CHINA

NO METAL IN THE SCIENCE OVEN!

GENERATION Z SURVIVAL GUIDE

Z NATION

13 GOING ON 30: VR LIFE

TALK TO THE HAND

PRINT ME A FERRARI

GO-GO GADGET

I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD

BUT FIRST, TEA

CARPE DIEM, ANYONE?

SPIRE

WE BE TRAVELLIN’ GANGNAM STYLE

I’M NOT A CREEPER, I JUST ROLL A LOT

TO BEARD OR NOT TO BEARD?

BUT CAN IT FLY?

THIS SIGN SPEAKS!

FOR THE GERMAPHOBES

BABY’S GOT BACK

DON’T BE A GLASSHOLE

A LITTLE BIT OF THIS, A LITTLE BIT OF THAT

A NUCLEAR APOCOLYPSE MAY BE AROUND THE CORNER

NO MORE LOT LIZARDS

A CUTE AGGRESSION

DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR-PLANE?

SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!

IRON MAN

HOW MUCH DO YOU BENCH, BRO?

BENJAMIN BUTTON

TO SEE OR NOT TO SEE: THAT IS THE QUESTION

A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

BABEL FISH TRANSLATOR

MEN IN BLACK’S NEURALYZER

HOVERBOARDS

HOLOGRAPHIC WRESTLING GAME

LASER WATCH

THE REBREATHER

WHAT IF MACHINE

TRANSFORMING ROBOT CARS

SAFETY FOAM

SKIN-HEALING PATCH

MECHANICAL WAR SUIT

MED-BAY

CEREBRO

VITAL-CELL READING CELLPHONE

TIME-SHIFTING REMOTE CONTROL

LIGHTSABER

ALL HAIL STAR TREK

THE NEXT GENERATION

THIS ONE TIME I MET CAPTAIN KIRK

WHICH TREKKIE I’D LIKELY DATE

TREKNOLOGY

UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR

THE HOLODECK

FOCUSED ULTRASOUND THERAPY

TRACTOR BEAM

TRANSPORTER

A HAPPY ENDING

A HAPPY ENDING

MISO SMART

HELLO ON THE OTHER SIDE

CHEESE!

THREE FOR FIVE DOLLARS!

HOW TO BLUFF BEING SMART

I’LL BE BAAACK

Chapter One

STRANGERS HAVE THE BEST CANDY

SUGAR RUSH: KIMBER’S TOP APP PICKS

Apps? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Then again, apparently we do. And if we don’t, we will make the time, like on the toilet at work. It’s weird – and totally acceptable, because God forbid we miss a like on Facebook.

When apps first surfaced, people went on a hiatus, stacking up apps on their phone, bomb-shelter style. With the plethora of fart apps floating around, you were bound to get FOMO (fear of missing out) and eventually give in. I sure did – until my Samsung Galaxy caught a virus and died. That was the end of my app quest. That is, until another app rolled around, and then I just told my friends to download it (with a mischievous look on my face).

If you have never witnessed a person walking into a sign while browsing Instagram, or somebody’s near-death street crossing while texting on WhatsApp, that can only mean one thing: you, too, are likely consumed with First World problems, a.k.a. the possibility of missing a crucial ding on your phone, and if it wasn’t you falling into the construction site pothole this time, it’ll likely be you the next.

It’s hard to feel sorry for someone who is a complete idiot. For example, this one time, I almost got hit by a bus while immersed in the tantalizing colors of Candy Crush. Definitely not a cool way to die, and if it’s social media that kills me, someone please say I spared my life to save a dog from a 10-car pile-up or something heroic like that. At the very least, paint a less pathetic version of my final moments.

Now that we’ve established what First World problems really are, here are a few trending apps in no particular order of importance or ridiculousness:

INVISIBLE BOYFRIEND

Some will assume you’ve hit a record low when they find out your dirty little secret: you have the Invisible Boyfriend app. But the thing is, haters are gonna hate, and the majority of these monogamy-driven individuals are just jealous of your newfound (fake) love life, because the reality is this: relationships suck, and with this app, you don’t have anyone kicking you out of bed for eating crackers, and that’s that.

The Invisible Boyfriend app allows you to create a believable social partner for just $24.99! You will receive up to 100 texts, 10 voicemails, and a postcard of your physically exquisite partner, who’s hung like a horse and feeds you strawberries and champagne in your silk-draped bed after your rose-petal bath