Chasing Rainbows

Dedication

This book is dedicated to many people, both here and on the other side. There are so many, and I will do my best to ensure I have mentioned everyone.

First, it is dedicated to my husband, Brett. He encouraged me to write my books rather than going back into the world of social work. His words to me were, You’ll regret it if you don’t. He provided the financial support to raise our family and take care of our material needs here on Earth. Brett, you have my absolute adoration and my love. My heart will always belong to you…today, tomorrow and always.

Second, my children… it’s an incredible gift to be your mother. The lessons I have learned so far are only the beginning of what you have yet to teach me. This I know for sure and I am your willing student. Each of you has a special place within my heart, and I fully understand that you chose me this go around… just as I chose you in this lifetime as well. I am a lucky woman. It is with the sincerest of heartfelt gratitude that you have come into my life as my children. If only for the briefest of moments… or for the rest of my lifetime here, I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you.

To the family and friends that were my earthbound cheerleaders for always asking the questions, How is your book coming? How is the writing coming along? and saying, I can’t wait to read your next book. This was so encouraging for me and helped me to continue to write. Please never underestimate the power of taking interest in another person’s pursuits and goals. Please never underestimate how the words that you choose to say to someone can literally help them move forward to take those needed steps to follow their dreams and complete their goals.

Also, to those of you who have shared with me that you loved Ryken’s Journey, you have no idea how much that has helped me to continue to complete this second book. It helped me to persevere through my fear and continue to put my pen to paper and my fingers to the keyboard. It helped me to dive back into the seas of grief to dredge up my emotions and pain that were still stuck deep down. I was able to tread the waters once again in the seas of my trauma and tragedy to save my soul. I did this so that I could share an honest and intimate look into my world of grief and loss. My intention is to bring greater awareness about the area of pregnancy and infant loss through my story. Writing these books has helped me become a stronger woman and gain compassion for myself.

Writing Chasing Rainbows has helped me on so many levels. I am beginning to believe in miracles again. I understand the power of something greater than ourselves. What that means for me may be completely different than what that means for you because it is all about our perception. This is some advice from Brett. He has shared that line with me many times.

Genetics has taken us on an unbelievable journey in search of our rainbow baby that I was told was in our future. A big thank you to the medical and health professionals, as well as the grief and genetic counselors, that helped us along the way as Brett and I meandered down the side trails of unfamiliar territory in the land of genetics. That each of you chose to be a part of our soul group to give us guidance and assistance in this lifetime has not gone unnoticed by me. Thank you for all the work that you do to assist parents who are desperate to have a child. Your help in fulfilling hopes and wishes, dreams and destinies, through the work you have chosen as your own life purpose is invaluable to so many. Thank you does not seem like enough but it is sent from my heart to yours.

To the individuals who do energy work and mediumship to help those of us on Earth understand our life here. I have a deep sense of gratitude that each of you has chosen to honour the gift you have been given in this lifetime. Thank you for embracing who you are to help myself and others understand our lives here. Especially when we are struggling in our darkest of hours…lost deep within the shadows.

To the other side…our baby angels, our guides, relatives, ancestors, angels, archangels, Jesus, Mother Mary, Ascended Masters, Buddha, Mohammed, God, Spirit, Creator, and the Collective Conscious: Keep sending us signs and guidance. Do not give up on any of us. I can understand the frustration that you may have at times. Perhaps you may have forgotten how difficult Earth can be. There are some of us who have taken on some exceptional life lessons. Thank you for your patience and never giving up on me.

To you, whoever you are, that read these words, this book is dedicated to you. I want to say thank you for reading my books, as well as for trying to understand my life and my choices. I hope that it helps you as you meander down your own path. I hope it gives you an understanding about the world of pregnancy and infant loss, as well as genetics and soul purpose. My hope is that there is more compassion and a clearer understanding in these areas.

To the parents who are a part of my soul group and belong to the club of pregnancy and infant loss, it is my sincere hope that you find peace within and joy wraps itself around your heart as the last stage of grief, called acceptance, allows you to be healed from your pain and suffering. I am a testament to this after many years of searching for it.

With heartfelt gratitude, I want to thank Stephanie, Deann, Janna, and Aunty Dorothy, who were my unofficial editors for this book. I appreciate your support and help to make this book the best it could be from an editorial perspective.

A special thank you to Stacey, for sharing her dream with me in August of 2012. In her dream I had written a book called Chasing Rainbows. However, Stacey did not know anything about my writing journey yet. Stacey shared her dream with me a few days after I had asked the universe for guidance about whether I would be writing one or two books. Thank you Stacey for bringing me the message about the title of what the second book would be called. I had already named the first book Ryken’s Journey, although I had not shared this information with anyone. So, this divinely guided dream was a wonderful gift for me as I was given clear direction from my guides and angels through Stacey. The answer that I was given was ... there would be two books ... the second book would be called Chasing Rainbows. This is one example of how divine intervention works it’s magic into my life and guides me.

A heartfelt thank you to my Aunty Dorothy, who chose to say the words to me on September 11, 2016 after my book launch of Ryken’s Journey with family and friends. I had shared with her that I did not think I could finish writing Chasing Rainbows and share it with the world. It was going to be very painful for me and it would take more healing work from within to share my story. Aunty Dorothy’s message to me was this, What if your book helps one person. Then it will have been worth it. Her courage to speak those words helped restore my faith and continue my writing journey.

Thank you to Kyran, who helped with the back cover by taking the picture of my hands and the heart. You are a gift to our family and the world.

To my grief counselor, Della Ferguson, who wrote the words that grace the back of this book after reading my manuscript. With the sincerest thank you for saying yes to having your name attached to Chasing Rainbows. Thank you for always helping me navigate through my life, no matter what stage I am going through. I treasure the gift of you and our friendship.

Introduction

When life gives you lemons you can choose to make lemonade, or you can choose to let those lemons rot. You can choose to feel sorry for the hand that life has dealt you, or you can learn how to overcome obstacles that you never thought you could or would even have to overcome. For many, the ideation of choosing to overcome something that has happened in their life is not even on the horizon let alone in their peripheral vision.

What I am really trying to say is this. I have heard many people say these words to me: Losing a child is something you never get over. I would have agreed with this if I had not gone on my quest in search of what my soul had planned for me in this lifetime. Now I am trying to help others understand through my own journey and life experiences what I have learned. I have come to the realization that we are here to learn and grow. With every painful experience and loss there is a silver lining. You just have to be willing to search for it. There were some days when I was more than willing to look for this silver ray of hope, while other days I truly did not see the reason why or have the energy to even open my eyes to this possibility. The phrase you are always exactly where you are supposed to be at that exact moment in time has helped me on more than one occasion. I believe it takes an inner resolve to go within to find your inner strength so you can begin to heal. I am telling you it is worth it. More importantly that you are worth it.

I had to learn the hard way about choices and doing what was best for me. To date, this has been the most difficult life lesson I have had to deal with. The next most difficult life lesson was learning how to be truly happy and full of joy again. This seemed impossible after watching Ryken die from Non-ketotic Hyperglycinemia (NKH). Yet, this is only one kind of many rare diseases that babies and children all over the world have died from. There are so many parents in the world that are grief-stricken and suffering. We are not alone, even when we feel alone. This book is about my inner strength to trust again in the process of life and to believe again in something greater than myself.

Sharing this part of my life is about freedom. Freedom from myself, so that I can give permission to myself, and my higher self, to stand in the light and be seen as I am. It is my hope that it will start a freedom revolution for those of you holding yourself back, keeping yourself hostage from the gift of truly and consciously loving yourself and enjoying your life here.

Now that the storm has passed, and the rain has ceased for the moment, here’s the continuation of Ryken’s Journey. Without further ado, this is Chasing Rainbows.

Chapter 1

Learning to Live

Without Ryken

Our Ryken is dead. The reality of our loss is still too difficult to comprehend some days. The year on the calendar is 2006, and I do not have a single New Year’s resolution. I guess that is not the whole truth. Someday, I want a healthy baby for our family. I know that I have to get through my grief first.

The pain that I hold within my body makes it feel as though I am walking around in a full body cast. I am broken everywhere. Yet, if you were to look at me, I look fine… physically. I do not look broken. If you take a moment to look deep into my eyes, you will see darkness. The light has gone out, unless I am interacting with Kaden or around him. He is my flashlight in my dark and lonely world. Grief is my shadow. It is constantly at my side. It is my new alter ego, and no one can see it. But I feel it deeply on every level in every moment. There is no escape for me unless I sleep. Although, sometimes it even finds me in my dreams. There really is no escape for me right now.

Some of my friends are too uncomfortable to take the time to look into my eyes. They have abandoned me. I think my pain is too much for them to bear, or I can only assume they do not know what to say to me. Maybe they are concerned that infant loss is contagious and they don’t want to catch it. However, I should not assume. That word, broken down, means to make an ass out of u and me. I learned this clever little phrase from one of my high school teachers and it has stuck with me all these years. This has left me a bit bitter about some friendships with certain people. I am not in the mood to care if I make an ass out of myself right now. Some people just really piss me off, if I am being honest with myself.

I try to shrug off the hurt feelings of being discarded and ignored by those people. I have many friends and family members who are there for me and try to help ease the pain that they can clearly see in my eyes when they take time out of their busy schedules to connect with me person-to-person. I should be grateful for this. I will focus on the friends and family that have stuck around and are there for me to lean on. That is the silver lining in this scenario.

I remind myself that Brett and I are walking together on a new path that is unfamiliar ground. We can now add parents who have lost a child to our resumes. We are walking in this new territory with Kaden in tow. There are just the three of us now. We are each stepping forward every day onto this new path. The old path we had been travelling on had four of us. It was called the path of hopes and dreams. Not anymore. Ryken has left our family, and now there are just the three of us once again. Just as it was before he was born. Yet there is a significant piece of our life that is missing from our family. That piece is called Ryken. This is our truth and sometimes the truth hurts. It not only hurts, but it can cause so much pain that it literally hurts to breathe. It can also take away the desire to live. So even though you are breathing, you are not really living because the pain is so unbearable.

Yet that is the reality here on Earth. Those that have perished, who have ascended to heaven to go back home to the other side, leave behind a trail of broken hearts that feel irreparable. At least that is how my heart feels.

Together the three of us are trying to make a new life, in our new home, in a new city as well. I am going to have to figure out how to live without Ryken for Kaden’s sake. I am starting anew, but I feel like I have moved to another planet. This is what my grief is doing to me. It is a place where every single thought and plan involved our second baby boy being with us. Baby made four, but there is baby no more. I can’t get this phrase out of my head. It is like a broken record player that is stuck.

It is a new life without Ryken. Honestly, even thinking those words in my head causes me such anxiety that I am on the verge of vomiting. I try to put that sentence out of my head and just focus on Kaden. This is hard to do. My thoughts continue to take me down memory lane. The past is where I live most days.

Ryken’s bedroom at the end of the hall is quiet. The bassinet was wheeled into his room because it was too hard to continue to look at it every day in the living room. The phrase out of sight out of mind shoots across my mind like a fleeting star. This is not the case, as Ryken is always on my mind.

The dresser drawers have all of the clothing that Ryken will never wear. Some were new baby gifts but mostly Kaden’s hand-me-downs. The vision of Ryken growing up and wearing some of my favourite clothes of Kaden’s is but a distant dream. We have empty arms and broken hearts.

I am walking around in a state of shock and numbness still with a good dose of depression and anxiety mixed in for good measure. I don’t know if my heart will ever be the same again and I don’t care at times. It takes a lot of energy just to get up every day and get dressed. I reserve most of my energy to take care of Kaden.

It’s a Sunday morning at the beginning of January. We have begun our day as usual, with our delightful toddler. The one thing that I take great comfort in daily is our oldest son. Kaden has been getting extra hugs and kisses that we would have given to Ryken if he were around. If he were physically here with us. I remind myself, or should I say my ego reminds me, that he is not.

Over breakfast and coffee, Kaden makes us smile and laugh with some crazy antic he is doing. He is good medicine for both Brett and me. With a whisper under my breath, I say, Thank God for Kaden.

Brett has gone downstairs to exercise as we had purchased a punching bag the day before. Both of us thought it would be a great way to exercise and release some of our stress. My thought is that it will be a great way to deal with my grief. Brett tries it out and decides not to put on the gloves that have come with it. Unfortunately, he cuts his hand and it bleeds a bit. It is not a big deal though. Nothing is a big deal anymore after our loss. After losing Ryken the little things in our life get put into perspective quite quickly.

We head upstairs and our munchkin is hungry and requesting toast. I would usually tell Kaden no and offer a fruit instead. Today I am feeling more tired and less strict about Kaden’s fruit and vegetable intake at the moment.

So the snack is made, and Kaden is busy eating toast and jam. He is sitting in his chair and dancing in his seat while he chews. After he has thoroughly enjoyed this yummy treat he shows us how sticky his hands are. He pats his hands together…back and forth and back and forth, he moves his hands together and apart. Of course his hands are sticky because Dad has made the toast and piled an inch of jam on it!! This may be an exaggeration… half an inch. Life is never boring with a toddler around… or a dad for that matter. His eyes light up and he throws his head back while his beautiful, boisterous laughter echoes in my ears because Kaden thinks this is so funny. That sound makes me smile and my heart feels a bit better. My sunshine, Kaden. Even on the cloudiest and darkest of days, he lifts my spirit like no other.

Our day slips away quietly, and before we know it, night has fallen. Kaden’s bedtime routine helps me focus. I am able to move about doing the nightly tasks for him. There is so much comfort in routine for me. My brain goes on autopilot, and I just do what I need to do with no thinking involved. I could analyze this to death, but I don’t. I am just happy that I can do this routine for Kaden. I am trying to be as normal as I can for him. Yet the truth is that I am unsure of what normal is anymore. At least what my normal is. The truth is, if I am being honest with myself, I do not feel normal at all.

The phone rings, and I hear Brett’s mom’s voice as I say hello. She shares with me that an aunt of Brett’s would like to have a Christmas ornament made for Ryken. It will be round, and she would like a picture of him for this gift. That is very nice of her, I hear myself say. My mind is racing and I feel a bit of anxiety because I am trying to figure out which picture to use. The one that comes to my mind instantly is the picture we chose for the funeral cards. Ryken was wearing his baby blue toque, as well as a baby blue outfit. I ask Brett if he thinks that is the picture we should use. He replies, Sure.

I am very excited for the night as it allows me to drift away from my life. The place I live where Ryken is nowhere to be found. There are still physical symbols around me though. It is as though they help me prove he was here and the past year of my life was not a dream. I once had a baby that I held in my arms and that I had carried inside my womb.

I glance in the kitchen and all of his medicine is still on the cupboard right beside the fridge. Exactly where I placed it the day that Ryken finally came home after graduating from the NICU at twenty days old. Strangely, these physical things give me comfort. I can’t bring myself to move it yet. The thought of Ryken brings tears to my eyes. I will them away because Kaden needs me now.

I berate myself, as I know that he is with his angels on the other side. Yet the mother in me still wants him here… with me and with our family. The stages of grief are upon me. Let me tell you that it is a force to be reckoned with. I have no energy or desire to fight against it right now. The most overwhelming stage for me is depression. It is still so hard to understand what has happened. Maybe I am in the middle of bargaining. I really don’t know, and I really don’t care. I bargained with God when Ryken was in NICU, and I thought he would help me. He did not help me. I let it go for now. However, I still have a bone to pick with God.

Bedtime stories are read, and a thousand hugs and kisses are bestowed upon Kaden from both of us. I enter my bed and am full of gratitude that sleep has finally come to rescue me from the daily pain that I am living in. I welcome the reprieve the night gives me. As I think this thought, guilt settles in for the long haul, though. I am very vigilant that a mother’s guilt is detrimental. I have no idea at this moment how to release my guilt or the foresight even to will it away.

Instead, I wear its shackles, and I am its prisoner. I fully admit to myself that I am wracked with guilt daily and many times in that day. I feel guilty that Kaden has a grief-stricken mother. I feel guilty that Brett has a sad and depressed wife. The list goes on for other family members and friends as well. The list is overwhelming. I am unable to be there for anyone. I try my best to be there for Kaden.

Then I even feel guilty that I am not happy, because Ryken has told me that he wants me to be happy. I have been given permission from my baby who lives on the other side to be happy. Yet this does not help alleviate the emotions within my body or the thoughts inside my head. He maybe does not understand the emotions of an adult because he did not hit that stage in this lifetime. He had no chance to become a parent. How can he say, I want you to be happy. This is just too much for my mind right now. I let this go too, for now.

Chapter 2

Phone Call

Brett has returned to work and it is cold out. That’s putting it mildly. It hovers around -25˚C and with the wind chill -36˚C. The cold outside in no way compares to the frost that covers my heart as I peer out the window. I am grateful for the warmth of my house and the warmth of the hugs from Kaden and Brett. That is my gratitude for today, and it will have to suffice.

I work hard at being in the present moment, even though my thoughts take me away to the past regularly. Kaden and I are forming a new routine together. A routine without our baby, my ego adds.

Again, I thank God I have Kaden to get up for, have a shower for, eat healthy food for and take care of myself for. Kaden is the ray of light that always brightens my day, no matter how cold the weather is or what storm is brewing inside of me. Believe me, there are many storms many times throughout the day. Luckily, I can keep them at bay for now.

I am treading water in the seas of sadness again. Even though I know Ryken is okay, I am still hurting. In my state of grief-stricken despair, I struggle to be the best mom that I can be right now for Kaden. The phrase People always do the best they can at each moment in time passes through my mind. When I went back to work in July 2004, after my maternity leave ended, I used to pray that Kaden would not need counselling as an adult because I was not home with him during that time. I learned to let it go eventually because he was with Jessie and he was loved and adored by her. Now I am full of concern and worry because he is at home with me all the time. My anxiety goes through the roof just thinking about being separated from him. I know that is not healthy, but I am unable to do anything different after what I have just been through. I cut myself a break for the moment.

The phone rings, and I am brought back to the present moment. I decide to answer it. I hear a friendly female voice on the other end of the receiver. She tells me her name and I remember our meeting. This is the health nurse that had visited me when Ryken was home in November. She had come out and weighed him the first week we were home after Ryken was discharged from the NICU. She was able to see how great Ryken was doing. He had been attentive and gaining weight. It was such a positive visit because neither one of us had any concerns about Ryken. I had even begun to question if my baby even had NKH, or what the medical world called his rare condition, non-ketotic hyperglycinemia. This is naïve but true. That is the power of hope and sheer will. My determination did not save him, though. My higher self kicks in and whispers in my ear. Ryken chose his life. He did not want to live long. I choose to not listen to her right now, and instead I am playing with my ego and loving it.

I pull myself back to the present moment again. My thoughts are that she must have come back from her Christmas holidays and checked her infant death list sheet. Oh, there it is. Ryken Addison Larocque, died December 12, 2005. Oh. That is strange. He was the picture of perfect health when I saw him in November. How can that be? I’ll have to call his mom today. Of course, I don’t know what she said to herself but that is what I have imagined in my head. How else do they know these things? I am only making assumptions in my head.

I live in a very different world than I used to. I have many demons to contend with now. They are sarcastic and cynical most times. That was a prime example of one. These demons try and conquer my world. The strange and painful world inside my head. The truth is that I have become quite a different person since losing Ryken. I think to myself that I would not want the nurse’s job.

I again have to pull myself back to the present, the moment at hand, as the telephone receiver is pressed to my ear and I am listening to her speak. I hear the words, I am so sorry for your loss. I think to myself, I am sure you are. It’s very depressing! No, those words don’t even do my