Marriage and the Counsel of God

Marriage and the Counsel of God

Michael A. Eschelbach

MARRIAGE AND THE COUNSEL OF GOD

Copyright © 2007 Michael A. Eschelbach. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Write: Permissions, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 199 W. 8th Ave., Suite 3, Eugene, OR 97401.

ISBN 13: 978-1-55635-346-8

EISBN 13: 978-1-4982-7544-6

Manufactured in the U.S.A.

1

Introduction

There are as many reasons to pursue marriage counseling as there are people to seek it. But there are four directions from which forces compel us to counsel before pursuing a marriage or before seeking to terminate one: forces from above, beside, below, and within. First, the force from above is God. God created us to live in communion with Himself and each other. He defined that communion even more specifically by creating new life through the union of husband and wife. The wisdom of our creator is the first and most compelling force to seek the fulfillment that comes within a relationship that is lived according to His design.

Second, a good marriage is important to the community of people around us, near and far. The world itself, whole nations and small communities, is only able to recognize and devote significant effort toward noble causes when marriages and families are sound and vibrant. Christian congregations provide an environment of mutual support when marriages within it are healthy and encouraging. Extended families also benefit from the common effort to know the blessings of relationships according to God’s design.

Third, a good marriage is essential to those below—the children. Children learn about their relationship to God by observing their fathers and mothers. The fallen human nature of children needs a united perspective and response from parents. The souls of children need the united yet multifaceted witness of parents.

Finally, each person involved in a relationship has a soul that yearns to know the union that God intended. The distorted thinking of human nature and the aggressive nature of perversion (especially through the media) make a life within God’s Word and grace essential if goodness is to be discovered and protected. Our souls need truth to know what makes life and grace to inspire us to that life. Such absolute truth and grace can only be found in the Word of God.

God’s Word as the only reliable response to human need in relationships is the origin of this book and the reason for its title, Marriage and the Counsel of God. What follows is the product of more than twenty-five years of study coupled with more than twenty years of marriage counseling (pre and post). The clarity of God’s design for relationships as communicated in the Bible and fidelity to that provide the most reliable means of developing, sustaining, and restoring good marriages. The text generally follows Martin Luther’s chief parts of the Christian faith from his Small Catechism: The Ten Commandments, The Creed, The Lord’s Prayer, Baptism, Lord’s Supper, and the Office of the Keys. However, longer sections of scripture are considered where appropriate and other matters of counseling are treated in supplementary sections. For example, the counseling proper begins with a careful treatment of Genesis 1–3 since that is the foundation and source of everything else the Bible has to say about marriage and relationships. Ephesians 5 is treated in greater detail under the second article of the Apostles’ Creed because Christ provides the other great witness to God’s intent for relationships.

The companion workbook to this volume should be given to each of the individuals seeking counseling. They are to complete the battery of questions (2.b.) before counseling begins and then continue to read ahead and make notes on the subsequent materials. As the counselor leads the individual or couple through these materials the counselee(s) can refer to their notes for questions, disagreements, or interest in further discussion.

2

Preliminary Outlines and Supplementary Materials

2.a.i. Preliminary Concerns—Outline

I. Preliminaries

A. Consent of those responsible to God for your well-being

1. Parents of the woman

2. Parents of the man

3. Pastor

a. Eligibility in regard to the state

i. Marriage license

ii. STD counseling

b. Eligibility in regard to family

c. Eligibility in regard to the Church

i. Of one faith

ii. In the image of Christ and His Church

iii. With obvious and consistent morality/virtue

B. Proposal and acceptance

1. With full capability to fulfill what is required

2. With a full understanding of what is being proposed

3. Freely and without deceit or duress

II. Preparations

A. Counseling to insure all of the above

B. Final consent of pastor

C. Rehearsal . . . date/time________________________________

D. Wedding arrangements in human modesty to the glory of God

date/time______________________________________

1. Texts

2. Music

3. Apparel, marriage party (people), conduct before, during, and after

4. Photography: before, during, after

5. Reception

E. Use of the church

1. Pastor

2. Organist

3. Musicians

4. Cleaning

III. Post wedding pattern of living

A. Faithful involvement in the life of God’s Church

B. Personal devotions (pulse)

C. Private confession and absolution (blood pressure)

D. Faithfulness to vows—in every respect

2.a.ii. Preliminary Concerns—Outline and Explanation

I. Preliminaries

There is preliminary work to do before counseling and even before working through this page.

First, everyone benefits from a clear consistent reminder that weddings are not a pay/per service, nor are pastors free-agents available for hire. You will want to put this in writing with the support of the congregation and elders. You will help everyone by treating this subject in detail in adult Bible class, college and high school Bible studies, and in catechism classes. The pastor represents God, the congregation, and other responsible parties (parents and the state, for example). If the pastor is to be of real benefit to a couple he must have time to genuinely assess the situation. Everyone benefits from knowing that they may not come to the pastor with a wedding date and expect to squeeze counseling into that. Nor can the counseling reach its maximum effectiveness unless the couple is willing to consider that the other intended may not be the right person to marry after all. Letting this be known ahead of time provides several benefits. Couples with no interest in spiritual matters will seek another facility for their wedding. Couples who are uncertain will find a setting where they can really consider their future together with godly counsel. Still other couples who are already faithful will find opportunity to continue to grow together. Note: I never refuse a wedding nor to counsel. Never, ever refusing avoids anger and misunderstanding (especially spread by gossip). Rather than refusing, I simply express my responsibility to be genuinely helpful and the conditions within which I might fulfill that on behalf of the couple. We are always the advocates, never the adversaries of any individual. If the couple is not interested in godly counsel, then it will be their decision to refuse to move forward.

Second, now that the couple knows they may not impose a deadline we may explain that this course of counseling also does not have a set number of sessions. This time together with the counsel of God takes as long as the situation requires. If negative answers are discovered in the matters that follow, some time may be required to resolve the problem. Consent of parents or moral living simply cannot be forced with time constraints. If the marriage is to be sound and supported, then that support must come by conviction and the Spirit of God. On the other hand, I have found this counseling to take between twelve and eighteen hour-long sessions. I have even completed this counseling all in one day (a long day) with a couple that I knew well and was very mature in the Scriptures and their faith.

Third, the couple will work through the following in order to know their posture for proceeding. If obstacles are discovered they will need to be removed. The following also provides an overview of the whole process, including wedding plans and post-wedding follow up. When I take a couple through this course of counseling I make a life-long commitment to that marriage, in as much as I am able to do so.

A. Consent of Those Responsible to God for Your Well-Being

The fourth commandment includes a concern for parents’ consent to a marriage. Parents’ responsibility is extended in the civil realm through the requirement of a marriage license and spiritually through the involvement of a pastor. Couples do well to welcome the more objective perspective of those who care the most about their future. Young people are often fearful of this involvement, as if parents are eager to chain their children to an ogre for a spouse. The truth is, as in shopping for a car, loved ones are not concerned with the model you choose but with the reliability. Choose any model you want, but choose a model that will not leave you stranded!

If an individual objects to this involvement, that is a matter to resolve all in itself. This kind of issue is already affecting the proposed relationship and will affect it in the future. For this reason, such matters need to be discovered and resolved before proceeding.

1. Parents of the Woman

According to Genesis 2, as we will see in detail, the man leaves his father and mother, and is joined to his wife. For this reason, the service traditionally includes the consent of the father of the bride. What’s happening in a marriage is a transfer of responsibility from father to husband. Why would a loving father relinquish his responsibility to another unless or until he knows that man will be a good caretaker for his daughter?

2. Parents of the Man

Traditionally, the question in the service is just asked of the parents of the bride. However, the fourth commandment and general Christian concern for the well-being of all makes it appropriate for the parents of the man to give their consent as well.

3. Pastor

There is nothing in civil or biblical law that requires the involvement of a pastor in marriages or weddings. What is required for a marriage in the eyes of God is the same as for the state: public declaration of relationship between a man and a woman. The husband will be responsible for the woman and the woman will be responsible to the man. Both state and church will hold them accountable for this public commitment. A civil wedding is no less acceptable to God than a church wedding and a pastor need not be involved. If a couple is interested only in the physical setting for a wedding then the pastor would refer them to the church council about using the church for a wedding—and the pastor is not involved.

Nevertheless, marriage is a deeply spiritual estate. God’s Word and Spirit are essential for conduct that produces good relationships and marriages that endure. If a couple wants the pastor to be involved then they need to respect his perspective and conscience. This course of counseling may convince the pastor that he cannot, in good conscience, give his consent to a marriage nor be a part of it. This does not mean the couple cannot pursue a marriage, and a marriage may work out in the end. But the pastor’s role depends on conditions he has no control over. His approval or disapproval must be respected as given in the deepest interest of love for the man and the woman.

a. Eligibility in Regard to the State

i. Marriage License

States and counties vary in their requirements for marriage. A couple does well to find out what requirements they must meet well in advance. The state’s involvement is for civil order, providing public declaration of the relationship, and binding the couple under civil law accordingly.

ii. STD Counseling

In some states, you can’t get a marriage license unless you have some kind of counseling in regard to sexual conduct and health. In my experience the counseling that is provided by local health departments is incredibly useless and offensive. They may show you all sorts of things that are in fact pornographic. By their treatment of the matter they often promote the very attitude toward sexual conduct that is producing the diseases they are counseling you to prevent. At the same time they often mock traditional values and especially chastity as ridiculous and even unhealthy. One county had sex education materials that listed having to abstain from sexual activity for short periods of time as a negative side effect of abstinence.

Therefore, you will want to know that these same civil authorities will allow you to pursue this counseling with your own physician. This allows you to find a physician who shares your values and have a conversation that is more productive.

b. Eligibility in Regard to Family

Here in regard to family has two parts. First, this means the pastor may not proceed with counseling if the parents do not give their consent. The exception to this would be if the family’s refusal was itself unreasonable and unchristian.

Second, this means that neither individual is already married. In one instance in my experience both man and woman were divorced, but the reasons for their divorces were not biblical; they confessed that they simply didn’t get along with their former spouse. In another instance, a man was still legally married to a woman in another state. In any case, these issues must also be resolved if the counseling is to proceed.

c. Eligibility in Regard to the Church

i. Of One Faith

Here is a place to take sort of a hard and relaxed line at the same time. The most important thing is not that both are members of the same denomination or even the same congregation. Formal membership tells us very little about a person or their faith. On the other hand, many people actually have the same faith or eagerly grow into the same faith, even though they are still considered members of different churches. Only time and serious conversation will allow us to discover where the man and woman are in relationship to the truth/faith and therefore in relation to each other.

Discovering whether the couple is of the same faith and/or helping them grow into the same faith is not something you can make happen or expect to conform to a deadline. The same obstacle to discovery and real progress will be present if the couple is sexually active. Any pre-commitment in the relationship will compromise the objectivity of assessing faith and the spiritual unity of the couple. This is another reason not to accept the constraint of a wedding date.

I am willing to take as long as it takes to discover whether the couple shares one faith or not, knowing that a five or ten week membership class isn’t going to do much for a couple, especially when they just see that as a hurdle they need to get across so they can get where they want to be. That’s the other reason I tell couples, Don’t bring me a wedding date. We can’t know what we need to about the faith of the individuals, the viability of the proposal, nor my disposition toward the wedding if we have time constraints.

Example: The best marriage I have ever seen was with a young lady who was a member of my congregation, but I didn’t educate; she was there when I got there, and already through the system, so to speak. She was dating a young man who was Roman Catholic nominally, but that’s all. And we talked about these things for weeks and weeks and weeks as we counseled before they were married. What told me about their condition was their disposition toward the counseling and their involvement in the life of the Word/church. He was never absent from worship, stayed for adult Bible study, and was steady and active in a men’s weekday breakfast Bible study. He was responsive in counseling, asking questions and discussing his understanding. So they were married, even though he had not yet been formally received as a member of the congregation. Thus it was no surprise that his disposition and activity remained consistent after the wedding, as before. It was not until two years later, after services one morning, when he came to me and said, What do I need to do to become a member here? I said, Well, the fact is, you’ve been a member here for I don’t know how long. I’ve just been waiting for you to make a formal declaration of the fact.

ii. In the Image of Christ and His Church

Neither man nor woman may be expected to know automatically what is required of them according to biblical design in Genesis 2 or Ephesians 5. That realization will come in the course of the counseling. But at this point, it is necessary that they both consent to the idea that there is a design, according to creation and redemption, which a marriage must follow in order to realize its potential. This is an early moment were the counselor may discover that strong convictions regarding feminism or evolution must be resolved before any other progress can be made.

Example: In one case, I was not the couple’s pastor but they had asked me to perform their wedding. I had not worked through these preliminary questions but discovered in the course of counseling that the woman’s feminist convictions made her absolutely unwilling to accept the word obey in the wedding vows. Though I spent great time and effort in explaining that obey is something everyone does, according to their nature and role, still she could not get past the idea or the word. In the end, I explained that I could not perform a ceremony that omitted the word since then I would be leaving the biblical text and uncertain of what I was doing/performing. If the wife to be is not asked if she will obey according to Ephesians 5, perhaps they are just as married, but I could not be sure—especially as my presence is precisely for the purpose of certainty in regard to the biblical marriage. In consideration of each other’s convictions, I gave the homily at the ceremony, but the ceremony was provided by their own pastor, who did not have such reservations.

iii. With Obvious and Consistent Morality/Virtue

Integrity is essential for the man and woman intending to marry and for the whole community within which they live. If Christian weddings are provided for couples whose sexual activity or living arrangements obviously contradict the Christian faith, then the wedding and the church are marginalized. This is the place where I ask the couple if they are living together and if they are sleeping together. The two separate questions are important. We may not assume that a couple living together is sexually active, even though that is the assumption of the world and a problem in itself (Ephesians 5:3). We may also not assume that because a couple is not living together they are remaining chaste. Productive counseling cannot take place if the couple is already physically committed or sexually active. The necessity of preserving the sexual indulgence becomes the motivating force for the man, and the need to know that intimacy was not a mistake becomes the motivating force for the woman. The disposition of counselees in such circumstances has made it clear that securing the wedding was all that mattered. Consequently, serious issues that were discovered in counseling were glossed over or dismissed by the couple.

Example: There was once a young lady who was a member. The young man she intended to marry was not. In our first meeting we came to this question and discovered that they were sexually active. I explained to them why this was not good for them and how it would be an obstacle for our progress in counseling. I left them with some options on how we might proceed and waited to hear from them. I didn’t hear from her until about three months later. She wrote me a long note about how angry he became during their drive back to where they were going to school. When they returned to her apartment he became violent and even punched holes in her walls and kicked in her door. All of that because he realized that his personal sexual gratification was in jeopardy of being suspended until after the wedding. The young lady was, of course, both upset and relieved. She was upset at the thought that she could give herself so intimately to a man who was so selfish and violent. She was relieved because she found out in time to terminate the engagement and relationship.

What are the Christian counselor’s options when a couple admits to cohabitation or sexual activity? Here again it is essential to be positive, offering options that will resolve the impediment rather than being negative and refusing any further involvement. Any couple can understand and accept how their condition or disposition will affect the involvement of one who represents God according to His Word. The thing that couples and their families cannot accept is how condemnation and rejection as a first response is in any way consistent with the gospel. So, what are the options?

Physical intimacy (sexual and living arrangements) is the obstacle to be removed. This obstacle can be removed in either of two directions. The couple can formalize their relationship by obtaining civil recognition or by separating and maintaining chastity. Formalizing the relationship provides integrity for the situation, but removes the pre-emptive aspect of the counseling. Separating protects the pre-marriage benefit of the counseling but is often resisted or seen as unreasonable.

If the couple simply will not separate, then obtaining a marriage license and formalizing the relationship is simple. This does not mean there will be no counseling or a wedding ceremony. Quite the opposite. Now counseling, though post rather than pre, can be pursued without time or emotional constraints and a wedding (recognition/affirmation of a civil marriage) can be arranged which everyone can support. In one case, I formalized the civil marriage in a private ceremony, immediately after the couple obtained the license, and then a year later performed the ceremony in a wedding service.

If the couple wants a traditional wedding, then separation is the key. If they claim that they live together for economic reasons, then the pastor and congregation need to be prepared to muster whatever help is necessary to provide for those economic requirements (find them temporary living space, pay off a lease, etc.). If the couple is sexually active, then a commitment must be offered to refrain. In any case, the pastor does well to be always in a helpful mode, offering solutions that provide a path for integrity in the relationship.

B. Proposal and Acceptance

1. With Full Capability to Fulfill What Is Required

This is where you ask the questions about an individual’s freedom to be married.

1. Are you trying to get away from something?

2. Do you think this is a business partnership?

3. Are there other competing interests that we should know about?

Some people seek marriage to escape a bad situation at home, or in search of security, or to avoid loneliness, or even to obtain some physical advantage. Any such force in a person’s life will blind them to real issues of marriage. Exposing such issues in no way means the end of the relationship, but realizing them IS essential if we are to know what kind of relationship we are dealing with.

2. With a Full Understanding of What Is Being Proposed

Does the man understand that proposing means he is committed to giving his life, sacrificially, permanently, and selflessly for the well-being of the wife? Does he understand that doing so means following the Word and example of Christ by inspiration of the Spirit of Christ? Does he accept the biblical model of manhood? Is the man ready to do so without reservation? This reality of what is being proposed must be considered before the proposal can be taken seriously.

Similarly, does the woman understand that by accepting his proposal, she will be submitting herself to his care? Does she accept the biblical model of womanhood according to Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3? Accepting his proposal does not mean that she relinquishes the protection that Scripture affords a wife. It simply means that short of abuse, adultery, or abandonment, she accepts the leadership and care this man will provide.

3. Freely and Without Deceit or Duress

Freely here refers to civil law. This means he or she is not a fugitive of the law, an illegal alien, already married, or in some other way hiding something from the other. A marriage that is being sought because of a pregnancy falls in this category. In many instances, the marriage of biological parents is absolutely not in the best interest of man, woman, or child. This question also means that neither he nor she is being bullied into this commitment. Some individuals are very persuasive or dominant emotionally, consciously or unconsciously forcing the other along a course they are not sure of.

Example: I have had cases where the man or woman felt very uncertain about the proposed marriage and very afraid of making that known. In each case I made it clear that such fears or reservations will not be resolved unless they are expressed, and that they could do so with my advocacy. Once expressed, the other person has to realize that to obtain a marriage by duress is not to have a marriage at all. In fact, I asked the other, Why would you want a relationship with a person who does not feel the same way about you?

And freely without deceit or duress. I’ve had an incident not in my past but in my friend’s past where a guy had a marriage somewhere out west, and just left, found another girl, and was going to get married again. So you’ve got to ask these things. And then it’s just some nuts and bolts to think about when you’re making arrangements.

II. Preparations

A. Counseling to Insure All of the Above

B. Final Consent of Pastor

C. Rehearsal . . . date/time______________________

D. Wedding Arrangements in Human Modesty to the Glory of God

date/time____________________________________

1. Texts

2. Music

The Bible speaks about marriage but not about weddings. Therefore the wedding service cannot be prescribed, per se. Nevertheless, if the wedding is to take place in the church, it must be a service of worship to God, within which the union of a man and woman in marriage will be solemnized. The invocation, sacred music, readings, and liturgy that are biblical provide the content. Personal expressions of feelings, family traditions, popular music, and expressions need not be forbidden, but properly take place at the reception.

Example: I once officiated at a wedding for two particularly spiritual people.